


The Shadow in My Reflection

by bringmesomepie, LeahCat



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abusive John Winchester, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anorexia, Blood, Body Image, Bulimia, Bullying, Child Abuse, Dreams and Nightmares, Drunk John Winchester, Dysfunctional Family, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Happy Ending, Hospital Sex, Hospitals, Hurt Castiel, Hurt Dean Winchester, Internal Monologue, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Night Terrors, POV Castiel, POV Dean Winchester, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Phobias, Rehabilitation, Scars, Self Confidence Issues, Sick Castiel, Sick Dean Winchester, Teen Angst, Vomiting, force vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-27
Updated: 2014-07-23
Packaged: 2018-01-26 19:48:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 60
Words: 82,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1700414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bringmesomepie/pseuds/bringmesomepie, https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeahCat/pseuds/LeahCat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mirrors are just a reflection to most, but for the bullied, timid, 14 year old boy, Castiel Novak, and a humble, angry, 14 year old boy, Dean Winchester, it is a way to become normal.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Introductory

**Author's Note:**

> ***WARNING***  
> This story contains things that may be triggering to some people. Nothing is censored or light-hearted. I have chosen not to use archive warnings due to major spoilers. So, if you are triggered by any of the archive warnings -- Not saying all the warnings are used in this fic -- you should probably not read this story. Read at your own risk. You have now been warned.
> 
> This story is also not beta read, and if anyone is willing to beta read it, comment below. :)

 

_ _

_**10 years before present time...** _

 

“Eat all the vegetables on your plate, Castiel,” Naomi, his mother, said, “Then you can have dessert.” 

                “But Mama, I don’t like carrots.” Castiel said pushing his plate to his mother. “No buts Castiel!” She said strictly, pushing the plate back to him. Castiel crossed his arms and pouted. “Listen to your Mother, Cas!” Chuck, his father, said passing the bread to Gabriel, the middle child.

                Everyone at the table had their eyes on the poor 4 year old. They all knew that if Papa talked it was getting serious. “Yes Papa…” Castiel sighed, his eyes dropping to his plate as if staring down the food would make it disappear.

                It was all quiet at the table expect for the noise of forks hitting the plate and loud chewing on the food that was made. “The food tonight is great, Mama.” Anna, the second to youngest child said to her mother.

“Thank you darling.” Naomi replied smiling at her 5 year old daughter.

                Castiel was still staring at his plate. He didn’t like much foods being the very picky child he was. He looked over to his older brother’s. There was Michael and Lucifer, the twins. They were 8 years old, but totally different than each other. Then there was Balthazar, 7 years old, Gabriel, 6 years old and then Anna, the red headed 5 years old.

                “May I be excused?” Michael asked looking at his Father. He was the only one not afraid to talk to him. His father nodded and Michael got up. After Michael left, Lucifer did, then Gabriel, followed by Balthazar and Anna.

                So there Castiel was, alone with his parents staring at the carrots he had left on his plate. Naomi sighed and started to pick up the plate from Castiel.

                “Put it down, Nai.”

                She looked up to see her husband glaring right at her waiting for her to put it down. “Chuck, he’s 4…” She started to say not putting the plate down.

                “I said put it the fuck down, Naomi!” Chuck yelled as he harshly banged his drink on the table. Out of fear she sat it back down and started to clean up as Castiel sat there, still staring. “Now eat your damn carrots before I force feed them to you.” Chuck yelled out to Castiel.

                Castiel looked down at his plate and looked back up to see his Father staring at him. “Well?” He asked with a tone.

                Castiel stared up to him and grabbed his fork, only to drop it on accident. His Father stared at him. “Fine,” he said, “fucking fine.” He yelled. “If you don’t want to eat your fucking vegetables then,” He grabbed Castiel’s plate with wrath “don't fucking eat them!” He tossed the plate on the floor, crashing it to pieces. The whole house went silent. “I don’t give a damn.”

                Naomi stared at her husband to her youngest son with tears filling his eyes. “Chuck!” She yelled. “No Naomi! I’ve had enough with your damn son!”

                “My son, just my son?!” She yelled.

                “Yes your fucking son. I want nothing to do with this fucking mistake!” He shouted, pointing to Castiel who was in tears. All the other kids came down the stairs, staring at their parents. They had fought many times before but this time was different than the rest.

                “He is not a mistake, Chuck!” She yelled getting closer to him. “Bullshit! He doesn’t fucking talk to anyone expect you, he doesn’t fucking like anything, he won’t eat a damn thing either! Just the damn junk food.” Chuck yelled to Naomi, turning around to Castiel. “You hear that Castiel?! You fucking hear that! You’re going to grow up and be a lonely fuck, a lonely FAT fuck, you hear that?! You’re going to be—“

                “GET OUT!” Naomi yelled at the top of her lungs stopping everything. Chuck turned around with a confused look on his face. “What—“

                “I said, get out!” She demanded.

                “You…You can’t kick me out. This is my damn house!” Chuck yelled.

                “Well think about that before you harass my child!” She said. Castiel was in tears staring at his mother and father. “But, Naomi—“

                “I said get out, so get out before I call the cops!” She said glaring at him, ready to grab the phone. “Fine…” He said walking off, seeing his other kids. “Fuck you all!” He yells. Michael walks over to his Dad before he got to the door and wrapped his arms around his chest. “Papa, don’t go!” He yelled.

                “GET THE HELL OFF ME!” He said flinging his son to the ground and slamming the door behind him. Anna and Balthazar ran to the door to see their Father’s clothes flying out of the window with shouting from outside. Luci was on Michael’s side looking at his foot that had gotten twisted in the fall.

                Castiel sat there in tears until his brother, Gabriel came to him. “What’s h-happening, Gabe?” Castiel asked crying into his closest sibling. “I don’t know Cas, I don’t know.” He whispered holding Castiel.

                Later that night young Castiel opened the door to his parent’s bedroom hoping to find his mother. “Mama…” He timidly asked, walking to her. She hiccupped and wiped her face quickly for Castiel not to see her tears. “Mama…Mama, I’m sorry.” He said in tears.

                Naomi’s eyebrows turned as she saw her baby cry. He thought it was his entire fault. “Come here baby boy, Ssssh…”  She said quietly holding her arms out for Castiel to cuddle in. “M-mama I’m so s-s-sorry.” He mumbled, hiccuping a lot.

                 
                “Castiel baby, it’s not your fault...Ssssh baby boy. Come on, we all need some sleep. Do you want to sleep with Momma?”

                Castiel sucked on his thumb and nodded. She picked him up and laid him on the bed with her. Turning off the lights she kisses his head, smoothing his hair out of his face. “Mama?” Castiel quietly asked. “Yes, baby?”

                “When is Papa going to come home?” Cas asked. Naomi was scared to answer but did the best she could. “Not for awhile baby boy…not for awhile.”

                Castiel nodded. “How long is awhile?” He asked.

                “We’ll talk about it in the morning Castiel.”

                “Okay Mama…Goodnight.” He said quietly, closing his eyes again. Naomi sighed, tears in her eyes again.

 “Goodnight baby…I love you.”

               


	2. Present Day

**_Present Day…_ **

“Castiel, if you don’t get your ass down here in 5 minutes we are leaving without you!” Michael yelled from down the stairs. Castiel nodded to himself forgetting Michael was _exactly_ like their father and _expected_ an answer.

                “I’ll…I’ll be down in a minute.” Castiel called but apparently too quiet for Michael to hear. Michael comes to Castiel’s door to check on him.

                “Cas, stop being a faggot by checking yourself out in the mirror and come on. We have to go now or we’ll be late.” He slapped Castiel’s on the shoulder. “No need to be late on your _first_ day of _high school_.” He teased as he ran down the stairs and again _expecting_ Castiel to follow.

                Castiel looked at himself in the mirror one last time, sighing to himself. _‘Don’t remind me.’_ He thought to himself grabbing his favorite trench-coat, going downstairs. He looked into his parent’s bedroom where his Mother was still lying. She had a problem with oversleeping or even sleeping all day.

                “Earth to Cas, Earth to Cas, come on let’s go.” Balthy yelped, snapping his fingers in his face. Castiel flinched making everyone laugh. “Got to stop zoning out Cassie, you’ll get yourself in trouble.”

                “Like how?” He asked quietly, with a confused look.

 “Like this!” Luci yelled, throwing his morning apple at him, hitting him smack in the face. Castiel automatically grabbed his eye and showed his pain no matter how hard he tried not to.

Gabriel ran out of his way to get to him. “LUCIFER!” Anna yelled, slapping him across the arm. Gabriel helped Castiel to the car with the others ahead of them. He put an ice bag on Cas’s eye as it was getting red and swollen.

Gabriel patted his shoulder. “It’ll be okay Cas, just say you got in this awesome fight. You’ll be the tough kid.”

Castiel just nodded, sighing. ‘ _Only 7 hours…’_ he thought to himself _‘only 7 hours…’._

* * *

 

Castiel walked into the nurse’s room as soon as he got into the school. “Hello, you must be a freshman. I haven’t seen you here before.”

Cas nodded.

“Well I’m guessing you’re here for that shiner, huh?” She asked with a smile as Castiel stood there, silent. He nodded once again. The nurse’s smile turned upside down seeing Castiel not talk. “You okay? You look a little nervous?” She asked another question, giving him some ices.

He nodded and started walking to the door in a rush as he heard the bell ring. “Wait!” The nurse yelled out to him. He looked back with his ice in his hand. “What is your name?”

“Castiel…” He said quietly and ran off. The nurse nodded and went back to work. Castiel walked into the classroom about 2 seconds before the 2nd bell rang. Everyone was staring at him and his dark, swollen, eye. He stared at everyone, losing his hearing to the outside world as he looked upon the class. It was a blur.

“Sir, sir please take a seat.” He finally heard from the teacher behind him. He slowly began to walk to the back of the classroom where only 1 seat was left remaining. _“Freak.”_ He heard in whispers behind him.

The chair in the back was next to a window and a kid taller to him, which was taller because Cas wasn’t little. The boy didn’t say word to him, he just wrote the notes on the board as Castiel looked out the window. Castiel could see his own reflection in the window plus the kid’s next to him.

He was wearing a red plaid shirt with the sleeves halfway up his arm. His jeans were dark and he sat with his legs spread open. Next thing Castiel knew, the stranger was looking at him through the reflection laughing.

“What’s so funny?” Castiel said turning around to look at him, confused. The boy laughed harder somehow not disturbing the class.

“You talk?” The boy said calming his laughter. Cas sighed nodded.

“My name’s Dean, Dean Winchester.” He said pulling his hand out wanting to shake Cas’s. Castiel stared awkwardly and looked around. Dean looked down and laughed again, getting Castiel’s attention. “This is the part where you say your name.”

“Castiel Novak, that’s my name.” He said quietly. Dean smiled and patted his shoulder. “You a tough guy aren’t ya?” Dean asked pointing at what Castiel assumed so his right eye. He remembered what Gabriel told him, _“It’ll be okay Cas, just say you got in this awesome fight. You’ll be the tough kid.”_

 ‘ _Maybe this year I can finally be normal.’_ He thought, only lying to himself. He couldn’t lie. “No, I’m not.” He finally spoke getting a flashback of that morning and his 18 year old brother Lucifer.

“Come on man, you can’t get a shiner like that without getting into a massive fight. Did you beat a kid up?” Dean asked.

“Not exactly…no actually…I didn’t.” He said, closing his eyes and sighing. _‘Stupid, stupid, stupid’_ He thought to himself. “Then what happened?”

“Just—

And before he could say anything an old bully of his sitting in front of them budded in. “He probably got beat up for being a faggot!” The boy, Crowley, shouted. Castiel stopped talking to stared at the window again, thinking to himself. _‘Dean, will never like me now’_ He thought.

Dean looked at Castiel. “Is that true?” He asked quietly.

“No…well sort-of.”

“There is no ‘sort-of’ either one foot in or foot out.”

“Well, no one beat me up, but…I guess I am a ‘faggot’.” Castiel said almost under his breath at the end.

Dean smiled and nodded. _‘Why is he smiling?’_ Cas thought. After that the bell rang, only 3 more classes to go.

* * *

 

It turned out Dean was in all of Castiel classes and he didn’t if he hated it or not. Dean was a normal guy, unlike Cas. He was…well _perfect_ to Castiel. His eyes were a bright green, like walking through a field of grass that had the light on it _just right._ His blonde-ish, brown hair was flowing just perfectly over his head. His smile was the best part; his lips just the right shade of pink.

He couldn’t stop thinking about Dean.

“Cassie, hello?” Balthy said snapping his fingers in the car ride home. Castiel looked up and all of them were looking at him. “Damn it Castiel, did you not hear _any_ of that?” Michael said slamming his hands on the wheel.

“No…” He quietly spoke. “Castiel, speak up. You can’t be a mouse forever,” Michael said before continuing, “If you’d actually _listen_ for once you wouldn’t have this problem.”

“I’m sorry.” Castiel spoke louder, but apparently not loud enough for his eldest brother. “No you’re not or you’d act like.”

“He is trying his best, Michael!” Gabriel blurted out. Gabriel was the only one that understood Castiel, or at least the only one that didn’t let Michael and the brothers walk all over him. “So, you can shut your damn mouth.” Gabriel yelled, as Michael pulled into their house.

They all got out of the car and rushed in the door. Expect Cas, he walked. Gabriel and Michael fought the whole time going in the house, while others joined in. By the time Cas was in the house, everyone was quiet and Cas knew why. Mama was up.

There she was, their mother. The only person in Cas’s life that he felt truly loved him other than Gabriel. Unlike Gabriel, their mother was almost never out of bed or awake so this was a good part of Cas’s day.

“Oh my goodness, Castiel what happened to you?” She said, looking straight him coming over to him for a hug. Lucifer was staring at him, telling him through his eyes that if he told their mama the truth, he was done for. But he couldn’t lie…not to his mama.

“It...It was an apple.” He actually said quietly. Naomi would never admit it but she loved Castiel best. She _did_ pick her favorites and everyone knew. He was just like her, not an itch of his dad in him.

“An apple,” She asked turning around, “did someone throw it at you?” Castiel looked down at his feet, opening his mouth to talk with nothing coming out. “Castiel, who did this to you?” She asked lifting his chin up to so he was looking at her.

“…L-Lucifer.” He whispered. Before anyone could talk Lucifer was already going after Cas.

“That’s it you piece of shit!” He shouted rushing over to him, pushing him to the ground. Castiel tripped getting up, and rushed to the stairs. Lucifer was right behind him.

“LUCIFER STOP!” Gabriel yelled running after him. “SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH GABRIEL!” Lucifer yelled kicking Gabriel as soon as he reached him. Castiel made it into his room, locking the door behind him. Lucifer banged on the door. “LET ME IN CASTIEL. YOU FUCKING FAT-ASS. WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO? MAKE DAD PROUD? PROVE TO HIM THAT YOU’RE THE FAT, ALONE, ASS HE ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU’D BE?” Lucifer shouted loudly, banging on the door.

Castiel pulled his knees up to his face as he sat on the floor right before his mirror. _‘stop, please, stop’_ he thought in his head. He had tears running down his eyes.

                “THAT’S RIGHT CAS, YOU’RE TURNING INTO EXACTLY WHAT HE WANTED TO BE; A FAT LONELY SON OF A BITCH.” Lucifer yelled, not banging anymore. Cas heard his mother talk calmly to Lucifer, telling him to stop; which he did eventually.

                Once he had left Castiel looked at himself. The tear marks on his cheeks and redness in his eyes, the way his stomach rose and fell with the flaps of his shirt.

                He got up to see his full self. ‘ _He’s right…’_ he thought. ‘ _I am a fat, lonely, ass…I’m Cas…’_ He thought again. He removed his shirt, his pants, his shoes and socks, leaving him in his boxers. He looked at his stomach, lifting the little bit that could go up, up. He stared at himself.

                “He’s right.” He said to himself quietly. Cas looked down thinking to himself. He just wanted to be liked, to be normal, and to be _perfect._

                “Castiel, your supper’s over here, if you want it.” Gabriel shouted from outside his door. That’s when Castiel got the idea. Cas knew what he was going to do now.

 He wasn’t going to eat.


	3. I Already Ate...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cas POV = MCRgurl
> 
> Dean POV = bringmesomepie
> 
> (Just to make it a little less confusing for the time being) :)

“Sammy, I brought food home.” Dean said as he entered the shady apartment. A saw brown haired brown dashed out for the room him and Dean shared.

“Whatcha bring?” Sam beamed.

Dean placed a small take out bag on the table. “Eat up.” He answered walking towards the couch.

“What about you, De? Aren’t you hungry?” Sam asked while digging through the bag revealing only enough food for one person.

“I already ate. Shared a sub with Jo. Not hungry.” Dean patted his stomach.

“You’re lying.” Sam frowned. “You haven’t eaten.”

“Sammy, we ran out of money last night. I had just enough to grab you dinner tonight and we have enough food for your lunch tomorrow.”

“What about you, De?” Sam stood.

“Don’t worry about me, Sammy. I got people who can grab me some grub.” Dean turned on the TV. “Eat then get in the shower.”

“Dean…you have to eat.”

“Yeah, I do eat.” Dean flicked through channels.

Sam huffed and began to eat. Dean tried to focus on the TV but couldn’t. He hadn’t eaten in days…3 days to be exact. Dad had been gone for a week and a half. He was supposed to be back days ago.

Dean wanted to eat, but in the back of his head he liked the weight he was losing. He exercised every night and during gym class which he started today.

He flicked the TV off and walked into his and Sam’s bedroom. Sam had just pulled on an old ratty t-shirt for bed. Dean laid down on his bed. “How was your first day of 5th grade, Sammy?”

“It was ok.” Sam sighed. “Why isn’t Dad here?”

“He is on business, Sammy.” Dean said as he heard his stomach growl.

“When will he be back?”

“He will say when he calls tonight.”

“Why can’t he just find a job here so he doesn’t have to travel around leaving us here?” Sam pouted flopping onto his bed across from Dean.

Dean sat up and huffed out a breath of air. “If Dad could hold down a job here he would have, Sam.”

“But he missed our first day of school. It was your first day at high school, De.”

“I know, Sammy. Get ready for bed.” Dean stood and walked into the bathroom. He turned on the shower and stripped off his shirt. He looked at himself in the mirror. In all honesty, Dean hadn’t really been eating for months. He would lavish himself for the one week or so John was home, but when he gave Dean the money for the rent and the money for the time he would be gone Dean would be saving up all of it for Sam. He would not let Sam skip one single meal. If that meant that Dean had to skip breakfast and lunch then so be it. He was ok with even skipping all meals towards the end because his job is to take care of Sammy. Dean sort of liked the pain of hunger. It was a remind that what he is doing to for Sammy’s health.

He looked at his torso and you could clearly see the outline of his rib cage and his collar bones were jutting out. He had just looked at himself that morning in the mirror but he hadn’t noticed his hipbones starting to poke out. _‘You look good, Dean. You’re not good enough. You’ll never be good enough.’_

You remember when his father told him that once while him and Dean were exercising by doing some hand to hand combat. He had _almost_ pinned John but John tripped him up and Dean got pinned. Ever since then he has never thought he was up to his Dad’s standards.

He got in the shower and thought about the guys he sat next to in first period. He smiled at the thought that he had all his classes with him. _‘Castiel Novak.’_

Dean was definitely not openly gay. God forbid Dad to hear him out on that one. Dean didn’t know what he was. He thought he was straight or at least bi until he stared into the hypnotizingly crystal blue eyes of Castiel. He barely even knew Castiel, but that mean he didn’t picture Cas as he tugged his throbbing hard muscle. He could just picture bending Castiel over and slamming his dick hard and deep into his tight hole.

Came with Castiel’s name rolling off his tongue. He turned off the shower and wrapped a towel around his waist and walked into the bedroom and pulled on some boxers when the phone rang.

“Dad?”

“Dean…”

“When are you coming home?”

“I should be home real late tonight. You head onto bed and I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Promise?”

“Dean, man up.”

“Dad, Sammy is getting angry. He don’t like you traveling all over the place leaving me and him alone for weeks at a time barely getting by on food.”

“I’m trying my hardest, Dean. I hope you know that, son.”

“I know that Dad, but Sammy…he—he is still young. I mean today was his first day of 5th grade and you weren’t there.”

“I’ll see you in the morning, Bud.”

“Da—“ John had hung up. “Dammit.” Dean whispered setting the phone down and flopping onto the bed quietly. He looked over at Sam’s bed. He was out cold.”

Dan curled up and stared at the wall across from his bed. He drifted into a dreamlike state of thoughts about Castiel and having his slightly dry pale pink lips wrapped around his dick.

The only thing that got him out of the half dream was the sound of the front door opening. He sat up and John poked his head in the room. “Dean? Why are you still up. It’s 3 am? I told you to go to bed.”

Dean didn’t realize how long he had actually been zoned out or the rage hard on he was sporting. “Uhh…I couldn’t sleep.”

“Well, you have school in the morning and I need my sleep.”

Dean nodded and laid back down and waited for John to walk out the room and shut the door. Dean dropped his hand down into his boxers and wrapped his fingers around his dick. He silently thumbed over the tip and slowly tugged up and down. He bit down a his pillow to muffle his moans. For the second time in one night he came with Castiel’s name fall off his tongue in his orgasm.

He couldn’t wait to see that boys face again. He smiled and rolled over thinking that he could shower again in the morning. He curled up in the ball as his stomach growled painfully loud causing his to moans audibly. It felt… good. He was finally in control of something.

Only if someone understood how he felt.

                                                                                ***


	4. The Mirage

Castiel didn’t sleep that night. He couldn’t stop thinking about himself. The only thing that made him smile was the thought, of him not eating. He was going to start that today.

                He got into his class earlier than the day before. He didn’t like being stared out, although he didn’t think anyone would. The sit he had had yesterday was still open with the same boy sitting next to it. Castiel took it, half smiling at Dean. He was _almost_ happy with himself today.

                “Hey Cas.” Dean said with a toothy grin. Castiel was surprised that Dean actually wanted to talk to him. No one ever wanted to talk to him, why did Dean?

                “Hi.” He replied shyly looking out the window, fixing a piece of his hair that had gone wild. He couldn’t look at Dean. Every time he looked at his eyes, he felt so small. He was just Cas and Dean was this perfect man. Castiel liked him more than Dean would ever like him and that fear was killing him.

                Castiel had made himself think a long time ago that no one would ever like him. Exceptionally sense he was gay, and no one knew. Even if someone liked him, it’d never be a boy and he knew Dean was _100% straight._

                Class soon started, not a peep out of Dean since he said hello. He was way chattier the day before.

                “Castiel, can you tell the class the answer to this problem?” The teacher exclaimed pointing at a problem on the board. Castiel looked around in a daze. He forgot he was even in class.

                “ _x=23_ …” Dean whispered in Castiel’s ear. “23?” Castiel said louder than you thought.  The teacher nodded and glared an eye at Dean. “Thank you Dean, but next time let Castiel answer for himself.”

                Dean nodded and looked at Castiel. His cheeks where blushed and his head was low. The kids in front of them where laughing. “Idiot,” Crowley snorted, “And a faggot.” His buddy Alastair laughed harder.

                Not long after that happened the day seemed to fly to lunch. Dean sat with Cas at lunch. Castiel didn’t know why, there were so many other people that he could sit with; cool people. “You gonna go get some lunch Cas?” Dean asked beating his fingers on the table. Castiel smiled a bit and shook his head. “Not hungry?”

                Castiel nodded and the next thing he knew his stomach was growling. Dean chuckled. “Your stomach says differently.”

                Castiel blushed and looked at Dean. “I guess it does but, it’s fine. I don’t have any money anyway.” Dean’s mouth turned into an ‘O’ shape as he nodded. “My family runs low on money too time and time again.”

                “Oh no, no…my family isn’t poor. Not to say yours is poor. I’m just... I’m sorry your family is low on money.” Castiel hid himself under his hands. “Cas…its okay, calm down. What’s the matter?”

                “I’m—fine.” He hesitated. He closed his eyes. “Castiel, what’s wrong?”

                “Nothing!” Castiel yelled getting up after seeing Dean’s perfect face. Dean got up and ran after him. “Cas, wait up!” He shouted.

                “You’re too nice, you have to be up to something! You have to be friends with Crowley or…or Alastair! You’re tricking me! That is what you’re doing!” Castiel said running into the men’s bathroom. Dean was right behind him. He ran all the way to a stall Dean grabbing the door right before it closed on him.

                “Cas, I’m not. I’m trying to be your friend.” Dean said getting a little too close to Cas.

                “Please, don’t beat me up! I’m sorry!” Castiel yelled covering his face. “Please! Just leave me alone!” He exclaimed walk backwards to the corner of the wall. “Cas, I’m not going to hurt you…” Dean went over to Castiel, close to him. “I’m not…I’m not going to hurt you. I’m right here…” Dean said calmly, carefully touching his shoulder.

                Castiel instantly cuddled into him, only letting one tear fall from his eye. Dean didn’t realize it but he held him tighter, it felt…nice.

                Castiel looked up to him and smiled, making Dean smile. “I’m sorry…” He said again quietly. Dean shook his head. “Ssssh, it’s okay…” Dean patted his hair back and smiled. “How about you and me go ditch this hell hole and talk, would that be okay?”

                Castiel nodded and got up. “That’d be _perfect._ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So so so so sorry, for the VERY short chapter but, the rest next part is in Dean's POV which is done with bringmesomepie, my lovely co-writer. <3 With that, the next chapter should be longer than this! Sorry again -MCRgurl


	5. It's None of Your Damn Business What I Do

They walked out of the restroom and out a side door. This wasn’t the first time Dean had skipped. He stayed under the teachers radar. Skipping only just under the phone call to the parent.

He lead Cas down a path until they got off campus. That’s when he relaxed. “So, Cas, tell me about yourself.”

“like what?” Cas mumbled.

“Got any siblings?” Dean smiled.

“Yeah, four brothers and one sister, you?”

Dean chuckled. “One little brother. His name is Sam.” Dean looked down at the ground. “Sammy.” He snickered.

“What’s so funny?”

Dean flicked his eyes towards Cas. “Nothing…it’s just if your family isn’t low on cash…why didn’t you get any lunch?”

Dean saw Cas shake his head. It was like he was having an internal monologue. “How come you didn’t eat?”

“Didn’t have the money. Give me a straight answ—“

“You don’t have any food at your place?” Cas blurted out then quickly covered his mouth. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok. The food at my place is for Sammy.”

“Then what do you eat?” Cas deadpanned.

He looked away and smiled. He spotted a park bench and walked over toward it and sat down. Cas followed and sat beside him. “Sammy started 5th grade yesterday. The kid is growing up fast. What are you siblings like?”

Cas was quiet for a moment Dean scooted in closer until their thighs touched. “They are alright, I guess. They are family. You can’t choose your family.”

“Not close with them?”

“Well, The oldest of the Novak siblings is Michael and Lucifer. They are 18 and twins. Balthazar is next, whose 17, Gabriel is 16, and Anna is 15. I’m closest to Anna and Gabriel. Balthazar is ok, and Michael is a try hard. He tries to be the man of the house. Lucifer is an asshole and the worst brother ever.”

“What do your parents do for a living?”

“My mom’s an Anesthesiologists. She basically gets paid to knock people out before surgery.”

Dean looked down at his hands. “And your Dad?” Cas shook his head and wrapped his arms around his torso. Dean nodded. “Not in the picture?”

“Yes, he left when I was 4.” Cas played with his hands. “How about you? Does your Dad do?”

Dean scoffed. “He—He’s a truck driver. He delivers supplies to different companies across the states.”

“He’s not home a lot?” Dean nodded. “How about your mom? She must do something to make up for your Dad’s job. Does she work part time or a stay at home mom to be home with you and your brother?”

“No, it’s just my Dad.” Dean paused and cleared his throat. “Um, my mom died when I was little.”

Cas’s eyes widened. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean…”

“No, It’s fine. She died when I was four in a fire in my little brothers nursery. A circuit blew in his room and Mom and Dad ran towards mine and Sammy’s room. Dad pulled Sammy out of his crib and ran out of the room and I carried my six month old brother out of the burning house. Dad ran back to help Mom but she was engulfed in the flames.” Dean looked away from Cas.

“I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s fine. It was 10 years ago. We manage.” Dean sighed.

Cas nodded. Dean turned to look at Cas. He heard Cas stomach give a violent grumbled. “What that your stomach?”

Cas blushed. Dean thought it was adorable. “Yeah…” Cas whispered.

Dean nodded. “Well, tell me something about yourself, Cas.”

“There’s not much to tell.”

Dean laughed. “Well, my name is Dean Winchester, I’m a Aquarius, I enjoy sunset, long walks on the beach, and frisky woman…or men.”

Cas smirked. “I’m Castiel Novak, named after an Angel of the Lord and I’m from Pontiac, Illinois.”

Once the ice was broken Dean and Cas talk for hours. They talk about anything and everything…except food. They stayed away from that.

“So it’s getting pretty late, Sammy is probably worrying sick.” Dean smiled.

“Yeah, my mom has probably already started supper.” Cas stood.

“I have to fix supper for Sam and Dad.”

“How about you?” Cas asked with curiosity in his tone.

Dean scanned the surrounding area. “See you tomorrow, Cas.”

He hurried off not checking to see if Castiel followed him. He started to run down the street. It was a long walk to the apartment but Dean ran it all the time. He ran this street every day three or five times a day sometimes. Today it would only be twice. Now and after supper.

He never stopped running. His legs screaming and his head was swimming. He ran up the stairs and unlocked the door to the apartment.

He walked inside and saw Dad sitting at the couch watching TV. “Where have you been?”

“I was hanging out with a friend.”

“Well, go start fixing dinner. Your brother is throwing a fit over how hungry he is.”

Dean walked into the kitchen and grabbed a water bottle from the fridge and pulled a few things for supper. 20 minutes later He set two plates of food at the kitchen table. “Soups on.” Dean said walking towards the bathroom.

Sam dashed out of their room. “You’re not eating?”

“Nah, me and a friend hung out and ate at his house.”

“You’re lying, again.” Sam pouted. Dean stormed over to Sam.

“Dammit, Sammy, I’m not lying. I went over to his house we ate finger foods and played video games. It got late I went home. I’m not hungry. Now go eat.” Dean whispered sternly in Sam’s face.

Sam nodded. He turned and walked towards the kitchen where John was already eating. Dean closed the bathroom door and ripped his shirt off and looked in the mirror. _‘You did good today, Dean. You could have been better though. You have to be better to meet his standards. You’re worthless Dean. You don’t amount to anything. You’re a good for nothing guy who can barely take care of your little brother. You’re useless, Dean. You’re not good enough. You’ll never be good enough.’_

Dean’s stomach painfully growled. He’s on day number five of no eating. He felt drained and sick he was so hungry. He couldn’t eat. Dean splashed water on his face and walked out of the bathroom. He stripped off the rest of his clothes and got in his running clothes. He walked straight out of the apartment. He set his water bottle by the door and the apartment and began running. He ran until it got dark out. His chest hurt and his legs screamed. His stomach turned and flipped. He ended up close by the park bench him and Cas were sitting at. He stopped to catch his breath but he felt bile creeping up his throat. He lunched towards the closest trash bin where he empty the little bit in his stomach.

He turned and took a swig of water from a water fountain. He was about to start running back to the apartment was a familiar face had been watching him. “Dean?”

Dean put his hands on his hips and took deep breathes. He was drenched in sweat and huffing and puffing exhausted. The figure walked closer. It was Castiel. “Cas? What are you still doing here?”

“I never left. I needed some time alone before heading home. Why are you back here?”

“I went on a run.”

“No, that wasn’t a run. You want to exhaust yourself…you wanted to vomit.”

Dean shook his head. “No, it was just a run.”

“Dean, we talked all day today…stop lying to me and tell me the truth.” Cas crossed his arms over his chest.

“It’s none of your damn business what I do.” Dean shoved passed Cas and jogged towards home before breaking into a sprint. Halfway through his sprint he felt more bile run up his throat. He gagged mid run. He stopped abruptly and dry-heaved into a bush before everything faded to black. The last thing he remember was the world tilting sideways.

                                                                                ***


	6. A Blurry, Faded Sight

_“It’s none of your damn business what I do.”_  The words echoed in Castiel head as he looked down at his feet. He stood up and kicked at the dirt on the ground, wrapping his arms around his waist. “I’m such a fucking idiot.” He said to himself.

                He walked with his arms across his chest looking at his feet, not paying attention to the world. He felt like he was going to be sick. His stomach was jumping, throbbing like it was swollen. Castiel looked across the street of his home. The amber lights glittering in the light.

                Something was under the light. Castiel walked closer, and then he realized. “Dean!!!” He yelled rushing to his side. He touched his face, cold against the pavement. He saw a pile of puke in the brush next to him, making Cas’s body shake.

                He takes out his phone and dialed 9-1-1, as anyone would do.

                “9-1-1, what’s your emergency?” a lady on the other line said. “Hello…my—my…”

                “Sir, I can’t here you, speak up.”

                “My friend… He has passed out…”

                “What’s his name, sir?”

                “Dean Winchester…”

                “Where is your location?”

                “1680 Baker Street… or close by…”

                “Alright, ambulances are on their way, what’s your name, Sir?”

                “Cas—Casper…” Castiel shivered out not wanting to give his name…he had to get out of here.

                “Alright Casper, we are on our way. I am going to hang up now, okay?”

                Cas nodded then realizing no one could hear him. “Sir?”

                “Okay…” He said, hanging up himself.

 _‘You could have made a friend, but no you lost it. He doesn’t like you anymore…just like everyone else.’_ The words ran inside his head, over and over again until Castiel got home.

All the lights were off but cars where in the driveway, so everyone must have been asleep. Castiel knew it was dark outside but was it that late? How long had he just sat there? How long did it take to help Dean?

                His stomach growled as he opened the house door, a hiss releasing from his lips. He turned on the lights in the hall to see what he definitely didn’t want to see. Michael.

                “Where the hell have you been?” He said, just like his Father would have. “It’s 2 o’clock in the morning.”

                _2 o’clock_ in the morning? He was out that late? Castiel began to feel a sting in his stomach, he felt so sick. He started to walk to the stairs. “Are you even listening to me, Castiel?!”

                Castiel looked back to Michael. “Are you ever going to listen Castiel?! Get out of your little world…” Castiel felt the sting again and grabbed his stomach tight. Michael stared at him confused as Castiel drifted in his thoughts.

                “Cas? Cas, please listen to me… Are you drunk or something?” Michael said getting closer to Cas as Castiel held his stomach tighter. “I’m fine…” Castiel breathed out quietly, feeling a tug in the back of his throat.

                Castiel started to walk to the stairs, only seeing Balthazar at the top. “What’s going on down here?” He yelled, seeing Castiel on the first step.

                “Castiel is just getting home from God knows where…I swear he’s drunk.” Michael said walking over to Cas, looking him straight in the eye. Balthy nodded and rubbed his eyes, acting like it was normal for this to happen. To be fair though, Castiel had never touched alcohol before.

                Michael was speaking to Cas, probably asking him questions. Cas didn’t know, he just saw his lips moving with his blurry view. ‘ _They know all about you Cas… They know all about your plan…they’re going to make you exactly what your Father wanted you to be…just like Lucifer said…’_ He began to start walking up the stairs, his hand on the bar to help him up.

                “You worthless piece of shit, talk to me! Be a fucking man, and talk to me!” Michael yelled a little too loud for it to be this late. Castiel stopped listening all in general walking all the way up the stairs. Michael was right behind him, screaming at him about something.

                The tugs in his throat got stronger as Castiel went into his room, shutting the door and locking it. He felt something crawling up his throat. Grabbing a trash-can quickly, he throws up the little of water and stomach bile he had in his stomach.

                He dry heaved the rest of the time, coughing up a storm. It felt different to him…he felt in the control. He was in power. He looked at himself in the mirror, pulling up his shirt to see the flattest stomach he’d ever seen.

                It glowed in the light making Castiel smile. ‘ _That’s not enough Cas…your still a fat-ass…you still got to prove the big guy wrong…prove them all wrong.’_

Castiel grinned at himself. He had a new plan and this one was much better. Cas grabbed his stomach. ‘ _You’re not skinny enough yet, Cas…got to be skinner. You’re still ugly, and worthless. No more gaining weight…lose, lose, lose.’_

He nodded at himself taking off all of his clothes right to his boxers. ‘ _No good enough…look at those fat thighs, and baggy neck. Wow, look at all that fat hanging off your calf Cas. You’re just like they thought, fattest ass ever.’_

                “Castiel?” He heard faintly through the door. It was a small voice, not a strict voice. “Castiel, are you okay…?” It was Anna.

                Castiel nodded, as always forgetting he has to answer; they can’t see him. “Yeah…”

“Are you sure…? I heard you coughing, it was pretty bad.” She asked.

 “Yes…I just got something in my throat…” He said, still eyeing himself in the mirror. “Okay…” She answered silently.

‘ _See Cas, she doesn’t care…she didn’t even try to come in…she wants you to be like Papa too…’_

“No!” Castiel yelled louder than he should have to himself. He got on the floor and sat down. He stomach wasn’t flat when he sat down, it sank and folded.

He got up and onto his bed, curling himself into a ball. He looked at himself in bed through the mirror. ‘ _No matter how you stand Cas…you’re going to be a fat-ass.’_

He told himself, closing his eyes quickly. He turned off the lights and tried to sleep, only to be interrupted by flashing lights outside his window, a couple of houses over. The ambulance had finally got to Dean. Castiel got up and looked out the window, they were leaving.

 _‘At least Dean is okay…he is perfect anyway…’_ He told himself, going back to bed; the same phrase of words going through his head as he closed his eyes drifting to a soft sleep.


	7. Quit Lying to Me, Dean...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We learn a little about Dean's past and a little bit of Dean's thought process

“Mr. Winchester? Mr. Winchester?” He heard faintly. Dean’s eyes fluttered open. He was on a bed with a woman with her hair in a ponytail and wearing a little purple shirt…scrubs. Dean knew exactly where he was. “Good morning, Mr. Winchester.” She beamed.

“Wha—“ Dean mumbled. “Where…”

“You’re in the hospital, sugar.” She raise the bed up so he was in a sitting upright position.

“What time…”

“It’s 7 in the morning. You gave us all a scare last night. You were found passed out of the street. You were badly dehydrated and your blood pressure was low. We got your identification out of your wallet and contacted your father. He just left to take your little brother to school.”

“I gotta get outta here.” Dean said starting to get up.

“Oh no, sweetie. You are hooked up to an IV, oxygen and a feeding tube. Your doctor wants you to stay the night for observation. You can leave first thing tomorrow and be at school by Tuesday.”

“No, I have to get outta here. I-I-I don’t like hospitals.” Dean panicked as he started to remember when he sat in a hospital waiting to hear news about overly burnt mother in surgery. Bobby hadn’t arrived yet to Sammy and him to his house yet.

Dean was sitting by John when a doctor walked into the waiting room telling them the news about Mary’s death. Dean still remembers every word.

_“Mr. Winchester, Mary had a weak pulse when we found her at the house and it stopped three times on the ride here. She had an even weaker pulse when we went into surgery. IT gave out and we couldn’t revive her. I’m sorry, Mr. Winchester.”_

_“No, no, no, try something else. Adrenaline, electric shock, chest compressions…anything!”_

_“I’m sorry, Mr. Winchester, we tried everything. Mary has passed away.”_

_“Daddy, where’s Mommy?” Dean had asked pulling on John’s pant leg._

_John wiped his face and saw Bobby walk in. “Dean, take Sammy and walk over to Uncle Bobby.”_

He remembered watching John fall to his knees sobbing. Bobby took Dean hand and lead him out of the hospital. Bobby explained what happened to Mom. From then on he hated hospitals.

“I understand that, Mr. Winchester, but we are under strict orders to keep you here and get you healthy.”

“I-I can’t be in here.” Dean panted. “I can’t…I can’t…”

He pulled off his oxygen tube and ripped off the IV and began tugged out the feed tube when two nurse came in. “No, no, Mr. Winchester. Don’t…” The nurse replied scrambling towards him.

He pulled it completely out and coughed. The three nurses tried to pin him down but Dean was stronger. He knocked them off him and got out the bed with shaky legs. He grabbed his clothes and walked out of the room.

The nurse weren’t too far behind him. He began to run. He was use to running on shaky legs so he made it out of the hospital fine. He ran out of the parking lot and around to a big tree to hide and change before running again.

He didn’t really know where he was but he just kept running until he found a familiar road and ran. He ended up at the park again. He sat down on the park bench and curled up in a ball panting and shaking.

He didn’t know how long he sat there before he heard his Dad’s 1967 Chevy Impala John only drove when he was home. Dean gets his license in 2 years, then he got the Impala. He heard the door opened and shut. Soon a large body appear beside him and sat down. “You wanna tell me why the Hell you bolted out of the hospital?”

Dean shook his head.

“You wanna tell me why you are shaking like a leaf?”

Dean looked up and saw his father’s face. It was not his normal expressions. It was an expression he only saw a few times before. It was a face was sympathy. “Mom…”

“That’s why you bolted out o the hospital and ran 6 miles to sit at a park bench 3 miles for our apartment?”

“Yeah.” Dean whispered.

John gripped Dean’s shoulder. “I signed the discharge papers but they promised me to force you to stay in bed until Tuesday. I don’t need you breaking down again.”

“Yes, sir.” Dean nodded. “Why are they going to make me rest for 2 days for passing out.”

“No one told you?” John asked.

“What are you talking about?”

“It’s Sunday, son. Friday night when a 9-1-1 call found you passed out on the sidewalk you got rushed to the hospital. Around 4 in the morning Saturday, you woke up in a glossy eyed state. You state screaming and completely catatonic. They put you under. It’s Sunday evening.”

Dean nodded. “Dad, you should go home. If it’s evening Sam should be coming home soon.”

“You’re coming with, son.”

“I’ll be home soon, I’ll be fine.” Dean mumbled.

“No you’re coming with me. I’m not letting you pass out again. The doctors don’t even know why your blood pressure was so low or so dehydrated.”

“I’m fine, Dad. Go home. Get some sleep. I’ll be home later.” Dean grunted.

John huffed out a puff of air. “Be home before dark, you understand me?”

“Yes, sir.” Dean nodded as John headed back towards his Impala and drive off.

Dean watched as his father got out of his line of sight. He stood and decided to do something he promised himself he wouldn’t do. He looked around and spotted no one around. He walked over to a nearby bush and crouched down. He absolutely hated what he was going to do, but he hated the weight in his stomach more. He slid his index and middle finger down his throat. He worked the fingers further and further down his throat until he touched the back of his throat until he gagged. He repeated it again. He repeated it until and vomited. Four times. He puked until his throat burned. He spat into the pile of bile and stood. He looked around and he was in the clear.

He ran a hand down his face and started to run down the street towards home. When he got home Sammy was sitting on the couch waiting. “Dean…”

“Hiya, Sammy.” Dean huffed.

“You’re an idiot, Dean.” Sam pouted.

“What are you talking about?” Dean replied walking to the fridge.

“You might be able to deceive Dad and doctors and everyone else but you can’t lie to me.” Sam crossed his arms over his chest.

“What do you think I’m deceiving people about?”

“You don’t eat…You know I know. I’ve noticed your drop in weight…I’ve noticed your excessive exercise. You can’t lie to me, Dean. Not me.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Sammy. I eat, and I want to stay in shape.”

“Staying in shape doesn’t make you pass out.”

“My blood pressure was unusually low and the run caused me to get dehydrated.”

“QUIT LYING TO ME, DEAN!” Sam yelled.

“Shhh, where’s Dad?”

“He went to pick up some take out.” Sam snapped.

“Sam, I eat, I’ll eat when Dad gets home.” Dean lied. “If you want me to prove to you that I eat, Sammy.”

Sam rolled his eyes. “You’re unbelievable, Dean.”

Dean walked into their bed room and flopped on his bed and was soon asleep. He missed supper that day because John wouldn’t let Sam wake Dean up. John told him that Dean was weak and had a slight panic attack. He needed to sleep.

*&^%$#@#$%^&^%$#@!@#$%^&*

Monday went by in a blurry. He didn’t realize how bad his body was. He was cold and weak. He barely had enough energy to make it to the bathroom. His legs almost gave out twice on the way back. He slept most of the day and couldn’t stomach any food; not like he wanted anything.

His throat burned from what he did yesterday and his stomach muscles ached. He felt guilty for what he did. It was worthless. He was worthless.

He was in and out of sleep all day. He just remembered one moment when he was awake…Sammy was sitting by his bed. Dean was glossy eyed and unfocused. _‘You’re hurting your body, Dean. You’re going to kill yourself with what you are doing. Eating is good for you and you’re not fat if that’s what you’re thinking. Take care of yourself, Dean. You’re my big brother, I want you to take care of yourself like you take care of me.’_

After that everything blurred away and Dean was asleep again. By the time he woke again the room was dark and the curtain were closed. He felt better but not 100%. He looked at a clock _2:23am_. He rolled over on his side and closed his eyes. “You’re wrong, Sammy. I’m worthless, fat, and not good enough.” Dean whispered to himself.

He drifted back into sleep and dreamed of fucking Castiel Novak into his sheet with is name dripping off Castiel’s tongue. That was the one thing that made him feel better.

                                                                                ***


	8. No!

Castiel woke up with a hard thud to the chest. “Get up, fat-ass. We leave in 20.” Luci said walking out of the room. Castiel turned to his clock. _6:50am._

Castiel got up, putting on his clothes, looking at himself in the mirror. He tried fixing his hair and the way his clothes looked on him. They were tight, and he didn’t like it. He stood there looking at himself in the mirror, trying his hardest to finally look _perfect_ , until Balthazar was in his room pulling him out the door.

The drive to the school was peaceful in Castiel’s mind. He was tired and didn’t feel like being awake. His family might have been talking about him, or to him but Cas didn’t care today. He was going to start his new plan and be happy. ‘ _Finally going to be perfect…’_ He thought.

He got out of the car and for once wanting to see the face of perfection; Dean. He wanted to see his green eyes that where brighter as he smiled. He wanted to see his skinny perfect body. He actually felt wanted by someone for once.

So when Castiel walked through the door to the classroom, his happiness disappeared. There was no one sitting next him. Then he remembers, what had happened that Friday night. “Oh…” Castiel accidently said out loud. Next thing he knew the students across from him where staring at him as he smacked a hand over his mouth. _‘Stupid Castiel, so stupid…’_

“Wow, the faggot’s so lonely he’s talking to himself!” Alastair said laughing with a few other students. “Such a weirdo!” Crowley chuckled, turning back in his sit to look at Castiel.

Castiel tried to ignore them, so he looked out the window. His eye was still a bit red, but it just looked like he was tired. His hair was wild in his reflection, he couldn’t fix that. The class had gotten quite which probably meant class had started.

Castiel looked over his shoulder noticing Dean was not there. No plaid shirt or dark jeans…just a chair. ‘ _Where is he…? How bad off was he…?’_ Castiel thought looking at himself, seeing fear run through his face. _‘What if he’s hurt…what if…’_

Castiel shut his eyes, and shook his head.

 ‘ _What if he died Cas…it’d be your fault…all your fault for leaving him…you left him there all alone! He could have been taken away or killed! You’re not only a lonely, fat-ass; you’re a worthless, selfish, damn boy. No one will ever like you until you’re perfect.’_ He thought, the words boiling in his brain, as he panicked. He was shaking and staring at himself in the window; fear running through his pores.

_‘All your fault Cas…his probably dead because of YOU; No one else, just YOU.’_

“NO!” He yelled out loud, making the class go silent. Castiel looked around at everyone, their eyes wide all staring at him. The teacher stopped what she was doing looking over in his direction. All Cas could hear was the pounding of his heart in his chest, as vision went blurry.

                Castiel pushed himself out of his chair, dashing out the classroom without even thinking. “Castiel, come back here!” The teacher yelled from the doorway. He was running all the way to the other side of the school, there was _no_ stopping him.

                He ran all the way out of the school, to the park him and Dean had gone that Friday. He sat on the bench, tears engulfing his face. He pulled his legs up to his chest, crying into his knees.

                ‘ _Why the hell did you run away, Cas? You’re such an idiot.’_  Words like that ran in circles in his head. Punching ever inch of happiness he had in him that day. Castiel began to think and put his head in reality. ‘ _Think positive Cas…he’s just tired…he is just…no…’_

No matter what Castiel told himself, it did nothing. His thought told him Dean was hurt or even worse…he couldn’t stop. He wanted to be in control. Then it hit him; his plan.

                Castiel looked around spotting a sliver trash can near the public water fountains. Of course he hadn’t eaten anything that day but he could at least try, right?

                He got up from the bench, wiping his eyes with his sleeve. He stood next to the trash-can looking at his hand. He moved his finger, in and out of its palm. Slowly, he put 2 of his fingers in his mouth, far back. He gagged.

                _‘Not good enough Novak, you have to be perfect.’_

Novak nodded to himself and stuck both of the fingers back down his throat until he couldn’t take it anymore. Water and stomach bile quickly came shooting out his mouth, almost missing the trash-can. Castiel liked it.

                ‘ _You’re going to perfect as long as you keep this up Cas…soon you’ll be perfect.’_

He smiled at himself and looked around. He wasn’t going to let _anyone_ know this secret. He _needed_ to be in control. He _needed_ to feel powerful because he _had_ to be _perfect._

His stomach was hurting so bad though, he _needed food._ Castiel looked around seeing many things, one thing catching his eye; a food store.

                His mouth watered and his stomach growled seeing the word _food._ He was going to eat, yes but he knew what he was doing. He ran over there, about 20 dollars in his pocket to buy lunch that day. He stared at all the food. There was chips, sodas, and everything you could think of.

                He walked around, not looking at anyone in the store. He grabbed a huge bag of chips, a litter of soda, with ton of other junk foods. The cashier looked at him funny, like he could judge.

                The totally was 14.08 and Castiel grinned, rushing out into the forest near the park. He spread out all his foods and lay against a tree. He opened the chip bag, stuffing chip after chip after chip into his mouth and gushing down a whole liter of soda. His stomach felt happy with all the food, he was getting a high off of it.

                He was full – over full actually and looked down at himself. ‘ _Oh my God…Look at yourself…You’re turning back into that fat-ass.’_

Castiel thought fast and stood up, looking around. He rushed over to another tree, gagging himself until every inch of the food was out of his stomach.

                He stared at the giant mess of his bile in the grass right in front of him. He smiled knowing that he could eat and still feel in control. That he still could be _perfect_ and _eat._

Castiel smiled and started to walk to the park. He didn’t care about happened to him anymore, because soon he’d be _perfect._


	9. I'm Fine...

“Dean, time to wake up.” Dad shook Dean sternly.

Dean’s eyes fluttered open and he groaned. “What time is it?”

“6:30. Get dressed, eat breakfast and head out. I am going to look for job around here so I don’t have to leave you and Sammy alone.”

“No, Dad, it’s fine. The trucking job pays better than any job you have had.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want you over working yourself.”

“I’ll be fine, Dad.” Dean got out of bed. He still felt drained and weak but put on a brave face. He threw on some clothes and walked into the living room. He sat on the couch until Sam was ready to leave.

“Ready to go, Sammy.” Dean stood.

“Yeah, are you ok enough to go. You don’t look yourself.”

“I’m fine, Sam.” Dean opened the front door.

&^%$#@#$%^&^%$#@$%^&*

He walked into his first period class. He gave his doctors note and he sat down at his normal desk and propped his head on his hand and stared off into space just wanting to sleep.

He hadn’t noticed anyone come over to him until he blinked and flinched when he saw two bright blue eyes staring at him. Castiel. “Hey Cas.” Dean rasped.

“Dean, you’re ok. Where were you yesterday?”

“Wasn’t feeling good yesterday. Ditched school.” Dean said with his head draped on his hand.

“Are you feeling ok?” Cas asked.

Dean nodded weakly. “Yeah, I’m just weak.”

Cas nodded and class began. Dean laid his head on the desk.

&^%$#@$%^&*&^%$#$%^&*(

Two classes later Dean and Cas ended up at lunch. Dean didn’t eat and Cas seemed fidgety. “Cas are you ok?” Dean rasped.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.” Cas looked around. “Let’s get outta here.”

“What’s wrong, Cas?” Dean sat up staring at a very nervous looking worried Cas.

“Let’s go to the park we went to on Friday.” Cas blurted out shakily.

Dean had noticed how jumpy Cas had been that day. Dean was too tired to care much. When Cas asked if they wants to get outta here he was game. "Yeah. Sure. Sounds fun." He stood from his seat. He had stood too fast and got a head rush and say right back down. Cas rush too his side with his big blue eyes.   
                "Dean?"

"I'm fine." Dean snapped pushing Cas an arm’s length away. "Let's just go."

Cas ducked his head down in embarrassment. His face was red. "I'm sorry, Dean. I was just worried. I completely understand if you don't want be friends anymore."

Dean was confused. He didn't understand Cas logic. He slowly stood and looked at Cas. He didn't say anything. He grabbed Cas's wrist and began to walk out of the school. He didn't let to until they were off the school grounds. "What did you mean by you completely understand if I don't want be your friends anymore?"

Cas moved his head back into its ducked down position. "I-I-I don't have a lot of friends..." He answered.

"Well, you got me...and I'm not going anywhere." Dean smiled. He didn't like Cas like this. Hearing that he didn't have any friends broke Dean's heart. Cas was a sweet guy. He wouldn't hurt a fly. Cas was perfect in every way but people didn't like him. They treated him like crap for no reason other than he was gay.

Dean remembered walking to his car the other day and hearing a senior, Lucifer, call Cas a fat ass. Dean almost ran over there and beat the living shit out of him because Cas was perfect and skinny the. Dean. He wanted to as perfect as Cas. Dean didn't deserve the affection Cas was giving him for worrying about his absence on Monday.

The two sat at the park bench they had on Friday. "Do you really mean that Dean?" Cas blurted out.

He didn't realize how long he had been stuck in his head but could only guess there was a long string of silence. "Of course I mean it, buddy." Dean half smiled.

Cas smiled. It was all but beautiful, absolutely breath-taking. It was a smile that he had seen Sammy have he gave Dean the amulet he wore every day for Christmas that was supposed to go to Dad or the time Sammy won a trophy in soccer. Dean liked to call it the closest Sam will get to be a boy.   
There again Dean found himself zoning out. He looked at Cas and scooted closer to him. Their thighs rubbed against each other. "Where we're you really yesterday?" Cas mumbled shyly.

"Passed out on the sidewalk due to dehydration and low pressure. I don't know why my blood pressure was low..." Dean lied. "I do know the run dehydrated me. If it wasn't for some random stranger i would have been in school yesterday."

"You sound mad?" Cas replied as he watched Dean's expression change. He was shaking slightly. Dean was slightly angry but he was mostly starting panic at thought of hospital and the recurring memory of his mother’s Death and his father downfall. It was his fault for his mom’s Death. He knew it. If he had t take so long to take hold of Sammy or questioning Dad when he could have gone to save mom she would still be alive. It was probably his fault for the fire anyway. He had been playing in Sammy's nursery I the spot the fire started that afternoon before dinner. It was his fault.

"I ca-I don't do well in hospitals." Dean mumbled with panic bubbling over.

"Dean, are you ok? You wanna talk to me about what you are thinking about?"

Dean was too far gone. He went too far. This was a full blown panic attack episode. "No! It's my fault! She Dead because of me! I kill everything touch! I'm not good enough! I'm useless! I should have died not her! She could have taken care if Sammy!" Dean yelled falling out of the park bench and onto the ground where he curled in in himself and screamed and began to sob. He couldn't breathe. His throat was closing in and he was gonna die right there and then in front of the guy h has been having wet dreams about.

"Dean! Dean! Take a deep breath for me, Dean!" He heard over his screaming.

"I don't deserve anything! It's all my fault!"

“DEAN!” Dean heard again. “Calm down, please.”

_Come on, Dean, snap out of it. Not in front of your crush. This is what you always say. You’re useless, worthless. Breathe…breathe._

“Dean, please, listen to me. Please, calm down and breathe.”

Dean recognized Cas’s voice. He blinked and took a breath and stared up at the blue eyes -looking down at him. He realized Cas was straddling over him. “C-C-Cas?”

“I’m right here…I-I’m right here.” Cas slowly crawled off Dean. Dean sat up and breathed slow and deep. He noticed the tear stains on Cas’s cheeks.

Dean wiped his face of his own tears. “I-I-I’m sorry…you had to witness that.” Dean had his face.

Cas got on his knees and sat beside Dean. “Dean, it’s ok. Does that happen often?”

“Not really. I don’t think about that very often.” Dean panted.

“What were you thinking about?”

Dean shook his head. “I can’t…”

Cas nodded. “Ok.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Dean repeated.

“It’s ok, truly.” Cas whispered. He rubbed Dean’s back gently. Dean felt Cas gently rub over his spine. “Are you sure you are ok, Dean?”

“What are you talking about? I’m fine. I just had a little fucking panic attack.”

“No, I’m talking about Friday night.” Dean was silent. Dean remembered that Cas saw him dry heave after that run when he stopped at the park. He didn’t want to talk about it. “I was the 9-1-1 caller Friday night.”

Dean understands part of the reason why Cas asked why Dean sounded mad. “Thanks Cas. You’re a good friend, but a hospital is not a place I should be.”

“Why?” Cas asked innocently.

“It’s nothing. It’s not your problem.”

“It’s about Friday night. You on purposely run until you threw up and passed out.” Dean nodded as his eyes wetted again. “Dean, you can tell me anything.”

Dean couldn’t say. He trusted Cas. Cas was one of the only people he could trust and they have only known each other for a few days. “I know…but you’ll hate me.”

“Why would I hate you?”

Dean played with his fingers. “Cause of what I do.” He whispered just loud enough for Cas to hear.

“What do you do?”

“Actually it’s more what I don’t do.” Dean painfully smirked.

“Dean…what’s wrong?”

Dean cleared his throat. “You know you’re beautiful, Cas. I don’t know why Crowley and Alastair treat you the way they do. You are kind, gentle, sweet, and breath taking. I wish I looked like you, but no. I’m worthless, useless, good for nothing.” Dean paused to gather his thoughts. He looked at Cas. “I run a couple miles every evening and do other exercises every night until I get light headed, throw out or pass out. My Dad is never home so he gives us enough money for the time he will be gone. I save up and give all the money toward food and supplies for Sammy. I don’t eat. I’m not good enough for food.”

Dean watched as Cas gave not an expression of pity but of sympathy. Cas nodded. “I’m sorry I called 9-1-1.”

“No, you did what any normal person would have done. You’re a great friend Cas.”

Dean felt like the empty pit in his stomach was finally being filled; by Cas. He smiled. “I’m always here for you, Dean.”

“What? No, speech on what I do is wrong. No immediate calls to the hospital or nut house?”

“Do you want me too?” Cas deadpanned.

Dean shook his head. “No.”

Cas nodded and sat back down on the park bench and Dean followed. They sat there for hours just talking. Soon Cas had to go leaving Dean all alone, but for once he didn’t feel completely alone. He had Cas.

                                                                                ***


	10. Your Own Father Doesn’t Care If You Live or Die…Why Should You?

He didn’t know how along he was out there on that bench after Cas had left. He just knew by the time he realized he needed to get home he started getting this weird feeling in his stomach. It wasn’t hunger.

It was a weird feeling; like butterflies in his stomach. It was overwhelming. _‘You can’t love, Dean. You aren’t good enough for love. Nobody loves you the way you are. Always a bridesmaid never a bride or what not. If you would stop eating you start to be decent, you sloppy fat ass. Sammy doesn’t have enough food because you have to save a tiny bit for yourself. You selfish bastard. Why is Cas even your friend?’_

“No…” Dean whimpered as he stood from the bench. “Cas?” He looked around and nobody was anywhere to be seen. He blinked away the tears in his eyes and began to run. He ran down an unfamiliar street. The street light were on and nobody was out. He got to this woods area and dashed into the enclosure of trees and brush. His head pounded of thought about Castiel; non sexual thoughts. His eyes were swimming and he had no idea where he was.

He thought about Cas’s smile, so genuine and sweet. His crystal blue eyes and solid black hair. _‘Stop thinking about him. It would be one more step back for you in your Dad’s standards_. _Dad knows who you really are. A good soldier, nothing else. Daddy’s blunt little instrument. Your own father doesn’t care if you live or die…why should you? All there is, is “Watch out for Sammy.” “Look after your little brother, boy!” You hear your Dad’s voice in your head 24/7, right? Clear as a bell. You’re nothing.’_

He just kept running. Whimpers escaped his lips. He couldn’t breathe. He ran and dodged trees. “No…” Dean yelled.

He then tripped over and root and face planted the ground hard. Once he hit the ground he broke out into a sob. He panted and tears rolled his nose. Drool dripped out of his open mouth and off his lower lip. He choked out cries and horrible noises. He curled up in a ball.

He heard something rustle across the grass and leaves a ways away from him. He silenced himself and looked up. He felt warm liquid roll down the side of his face. Probably torn up his face when he fell.

He heard more rustling. Dean stood and crept towards the noise. He hid behind trees and spotted a figure on his knees holding his hands over his stomach. Dean crept closer and watch it happen and he saw the figures face; Castiel.

* * *

 

Castiel’s POV

Castiel pushed his knees back and bent forward closer to the tree. There were empty chip bags, crushed soda cans, and so much more trash around him. He was completely over stuffed and felt sick – which was a feeling he was starting to enjoy.

He looked down at his long, lanky fingers and pulled them up to his mouth. _‘Do it Castiel, do it! You’re being just as Lucifer said…just like your Father thought you’d be! GET IT ALL OUT!’_ Castiel nodded and stuck 2 of his fingers down his throat.

He gagged with a sharp gasp, grabbing his stomach with one hand, helping it out. He pushed his fingers farther back and seconds later, a flood of stomach acids and contents were spilling out. He did this over and over again until he was puking out only the mucus from the bottom of his stomach.

Looking down at the mess he made, he smilied at himself. He stood up, brushing himself off, turning around to the stares of someone.

“Castiel…Is that you?” The person whom Cas now knew was Dean said. Cas walked backward, not wanting to answer. “Cas, it’s me Dean…” He said walking closer to him.

Castiel back-up falling backwards onto a bush. Dean was right at him. He held his hand out to Cas to help him up. He openly took it feeling a shiver go down his spine. He looked at Dean’s eyes; those perfect, damn, green eyes. He closed his eyes.

“I…I-I got to get out of here!” He randomly shouted, pushing Dean out of his way, only to have Dean right on his tail.

“Castiel, come here…” Castiel stopped in his tracks, dropping to his knees into a ball. Dean got down next to him and patted his back. “Castiel…What—what were you doing back there?” He asked rubbing Castiel smooth back. Castiel just sobbed, there was no talking. “Cas…talk to me…” Dean said getting teary himself. “What’s – what’s wrong?” He asked pulling Cas’s chin up.

 _‘You can’t tell him…no one can know! He will tell everyone Castiel! You’ll be a freak and NEVER get to be normal.’_ Castiel thought to himself. But like Castiel did with everyone…he couldn’t lie. “I just want to be normal! Why can’t I be normal, Dean?! Why can’t I be you? You’re perfect!”

“What are you saying Cas…?”

“I-I’m saying, I’m a fat-ass that – that just wants to be perfect; to be normal.” He sobbed into Dean. He didn’t say a word, just kept Castiel close. Castiel looked up at the green eyes brighter than any he’d ever seen. “You’re – You’re not leaving? You’re not freaked out by me?” He asked looking at Dean.

Dean shook his head and smiled. “Who am I to judge?” He smirked brushing back Castiel’s hair. “I mean you did witness me at my worse and even me confess what I do. How is this any different? We are one in the same, baby.” Cas for once in the day smiled. Maybe, he could tell one person…maybe Dean actually liked him? Castiel didn’t know all the answers but, he did know that the only thing that made him smile at the moment was Dean. Maybe Castiel’s thoughts weren’t the best but, Dean’s body was. That’s all Cas knew. He knew Dean Winchester was the definition of perfect.

                                                                                ***


	11. Our Problems Tie Us Together

**_DEAN POV_ **

It had been a week since Dean had found Castiel in the forest, and every day since then Dean had been there to rub his back through it. Castiel had gone to the forest to the do the same thing every day and Dean never judged or even questioned. Dean had tried doing it with him, for 3 out of the 7 days but he hated it. He told him that he’d only do it under certain harsh concessions. But nevertheless he was always there for Cas.

Four bags of Doritos, three cans of icing, each a box of cookies and six cans of soda to wash it all done with. They were full. He looked down at the huge food belly, Dean, who was struggling with the thought I have so much food in his body, looked at Cas. Cas lead Dean to his secluded spot in the woods to empty himself of the evil in his belly. Dean admitted that he had only done this less than a handful of times before. Cas was right there supporting him through and the two more times after that.

Dean crouched down beside a tree with Cas a few steps behind standing waiting. Dean glanced over to Cas and the looked at his hand. He took a deep breath and placed his hand on his bloated stomach then slowly moved his index and middle inside his mouth. He touched the back of his throat until he gagged. The last time he had done that he was running on pure adrenaline and didn’t how he did it being extremely nervous with Cas there.

He did it again. He kept going after he gagged and the gag only got worse. “It’s not working, Cas.” Dean swallowed.

“Keep going…I-I’m right here.” Cas reinsured.

 Dean looked at the ground. _‘You’re going to be fat if you don’t do this. Cas will think you’re a loser. A fat loser just like Dad thinks of you.’_ Dean repeated the actions until he could feel bile move up his throat. Once more he did it and it was like a explosion out of his mouth a nose. After he was done he knew there was more and he did it again until he was for sure he was empty.

He panted and spat into the bile. He felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked over and Cas was there. “Your turn?” Dean rasped and standing on his shaky legs. He watched as Cas kneeled down and simply stuck two finger down his throat and barely even gagged before bring up everything in his stomach in one go. Dean was no good for Cas.

After two more times of forcing himself to puke after he engorged himself with food, he decided it was easier for him to not eat rather than bring it back up.

They ended up on the park bench after school one afternoon. “Cas, don’t take this the wrong way…” _‘Damn Winchester. You sound like a little bitch. Idiot.’_ “I don’t like throwing up. I don’t care if you do. It works for you, baby, but—but that’s not me. It’s simpler to not eat than puke. I can only do it if I seriously have to like when I was at the hospital or if my body makes me. I’ll be with you though.”

Cas nodded and they were quiet. The days went on and every day during lunch and after school Dean was with Cas. He rubbed Cas’s back as Cas puke up breakfast and lunch. Dean never questioned Cas actions and Cas never questioned Dean eating habits. Dean hadn’t eaten in days; nothing at all. Cas was cool with that for some strange reason, but Dean didn’t care. He would whisper sweet nothings in Cas’s ear. He had even been starting to call Cas baby to lay subtle hint, but he quickly realized that they were going straight over Cas’s head. He had to do something more dramatic.

*&^%$#@#&*(&^%$#@#$^*(

**_CASTIEL POV_ **

The only thing Castiel questioned was what Dean had said the first day saw him there. _‘We’re one of the same, baby.’_ He had said. Dean called him baby. Other days in that week he had been getting closer to Cas. He kept on calling him things like baby and winking at him. Castiel didn’t know what to do.

Cas had always thought that Dean was 100% straight. ‘ _Dean’s 100% straight…he couldn’t ever like me…but he called me baby? What does that mean?’_ He thought to himself while sitting at the park bench with Dean beside him. He was very close to him; like thighs touching close.

 _‘Is he flirting with me…?’_ Castiel thought looking down at his feet, with a paranoid look on his face. He hadn’t ever had a boyfriend or even a girlfriend for that matter. He just knew he liked boys, not even being friends with a single boy until Dean and barely any girls.

 He never kept any friends; he always blamed himself for that. He would walk into school every day not wanting to talk; he’d be in pain physically or emotionally, usually emotionally. His brothers picked on him since he was 4; Lucifer was the best at it and Gabriel only did it when he was younger. Although his father left him at 4, he would come and visit when he knew their mother was at work. Michael would love that, but Castiel would be beaten because he was the reason their father was kicked out; that he lost his kids.

The one time he almost got a friend they left seeing the bruises on his skin and probably some scars. Cas just always thought it was because he was ugly, so no one liked him for that.

Castiel turned to look over at Dean who was smiling at him. “What?” Castiel asked blushing, not even knowing he was staring at the glittering green eyes.

 “You’re always zoning out, and I sometimes wonder what you’re thinking about.” Dean said, chuckling. Before Castiel even knew it was out of his mouth, he had said it…the worst thing he ever wanted to happen. It was complete word vomit. It just came out. He blushed instantly

 “I was thinking about you.” His heart stopped and his eyes where wide. He was already shaking. “I-I—I mean…I was thinking about y-your—I uh…” He could feel himself sweating. _‘Idiot…makes a run for it! He doesn’t like you; he’s now going to hate you! You’re going to be a stalker to him, thinking about him.’_

“Cas! Cas it’s okay!” Dean shouted putting a firm hand on his shoulder only to make him fall over to the ground. Castiel scrambled up, really red and sweating.

“I’m – my bad… sorry—I mean, uh... I—“

Dean walked over to Cas and dusted him off with a toothy grin. “Castiel…calm down…” He said looking up at him. He was shaking so bad and felt like a boiling cup of water.

“I—I’m s-sorry… I should—“

 And before Castiel could say another thing out of his mouth, his lips were shut closed. Dean had pressed his lips smack on Cas’s. Castiel felt sick and stared at Dean. He liked the kiss; he loved it actually. But frankly, he hadn’t even hugged another soul other than his mother and sometimes Gabriel or Anna. He gazed his fingers on his lips and looked at Dean. Dean was blushing but smiling. Castiel couldn’t even make a word fall out of his mouth anymore, he just stood there.

‘ _Don’t be stupid Cas, say something! Don’t just stand there, say something!’_ He shouted in his head to himself. He stared at Dean not knowing what to do, and it seemed Dean didn’t either. Dean was blushing and red just like Castiel had been.

“Listen Cas…I—I got to uh…go.” Dean said walking backwards, tripping over his words. Castiel _nodded not knowing what to say as Dean ran off, stopping ever so offend to look at him._

Castiel began to walk home after awhile; he didn’t know how long he stood there. He walked home, although it wasn’t that dark yet. His mother wasn’t home, and it seemed like everyone was in their own bedrooms or something because all Cas heard was the sound of TV or music.

He breathed out his mouth and could smell bile on breath. Shrugging, he went into the bathroom, locking the door, turning on the shower and taking off all of his clothes. He looked at himself in the mirror. His ribcage poked out, and his stomach was flat and limp.

‘ _You’re doing so good Castiel. You’re not going to be anything like Dad thought! You’re finally going to be perfect. You’re going to be normal and everyone will finally like you.’_ He thought to himself. He got into the shower and touched his hips that were poking out only slightly. He looked done at his feet and thighs. ‘ _You still have a lot of fat to go…’_

He looked at his fingers and arms. ‘ _You’re still a fat-ass, wow better work harder.’_ He thought to himself, nodding his head. ‘ _You need to work even harder for Dean…’_

Dean…He thought to himself. He grazed his lips with his fingers and remembered Dean had _kissed_ him. That he had been a wimp and did nothing about it. He just stood there. Castiel imaged his lips on Dean’s again. He smiled only to sigh knowing he was too much of a wimp to anything about his feelings.

Getting out of the shower he heard someone knocking on the door. “Hey Asstiel, get out of the bathroom. I got to take a piss.” Balthazar yelled knocking on the door. Castiel sighed and put a towel over his hips, opening the door to see Balthy. Castiel walked out of the door into his room, knowing Balthazar was glaring at him. He sighed, thinking about Dean until he went to bed that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! It would help a ton for y'all to give us some review (good or bad)! I get writers-block VERY easy, so also if you have any ideas, I am all up for suggestions. Thank you! 
> 
> -MCRgurl


	12. Safety

**_Dean’s POV_ **

“Dad? I’m home.” Dean spoke as he entered the apartment that night. He looked around and spotted his father on the couch with a bottle of whiskey in his hand. He saw two other on the coffee table and the one in his hand was almost empty.

“Where you been. S’my an I had t’ f’x supp’r lone.” John mumbled.

“I was hanging out with my friend.” Dean closed the door.

John stood to his feet. “I told you to be home right after school today, you useless piece of shit.”

Dean flinched. “I’m sorry, Dad. I forgot. It won’t happen again.”

“You’re dam straight it won’t happen again. Get over here.” John yelled. Dean slowly made his way towards John. When he got within arm’s reach John grabbed Dean and slung him onto the ground and into the couch. “Pants down.” He ordered. “Boxers too.”

Dean was shaking in fear. He unhooked his belt and slid his pants and boxers down and John shoved Dean’s face into the cushions of the couch to muffled Dean’s voice. John stood to the side of Dean. John took off his belt and seconds later a loud crack sounded as the leather strip smack against Dean’s ass.

Dean’s screamed only got louder with reach whack. 30 lashes was just the tip of the iceberg. “Get up.” He ordered. Dean scrambled to his feet and pulled up his boxers and jeans. “What is the lesson from all this?”

“Come home straight after school.” Dean mumbled and that got him a slap to the face.

“Speak up, you bastard.”

“Come home straight after school.” Dean spoke up and he got a punch right under his left eye sending him to the ground and then a hard kick to the stomach taking his breath away.

“Pull a stunt like that again and your punishment will be worse than this.” John scolded looming over Dean. “You understand, boy?”

“Yes, sir.” Dean rasped wrapping his arms around his stomach. John walked to his bedroom and shut the door. Dean groaned and curled up in a ball on the floor with his eyes squeezed shut tight. He was in so much agonizing pain that he could move.

He escaped into a dream about slowly and sweetly kissing Cas on the park bench. It was simple, romantic and gentle until _BAM! BAM! BAM!_

His eyes shot open and he received and pain through his stomach. His Dad was standing above him. Five kicks to the stomach to wake him up. “Wake up you dumb ass. Get off the fucking floor.”

Dean slowly and painfully rose to his feet. His ass, stomach and face hurt like bitch but Dean put on a mask to hide his pain. He started walking into the kitchen to fix his father some breakfast when John started speaking.

“I don’t give a fuck what you do, but you have to be home at 6:30. A lady is coming over and helping you and Sammy pack up the apartment.”

Dean was confused. “What? Why are we packing up the apartment?”

“A woman; a very kind woman, Kate Milligan and her 3 year old son Adam are helping us move out of the apartment.” John grumbled.

“Where are we moving too?” Dean asked stunned.

“Kate’s house. She’s my lady friends, soon to be your step mom. Adam is your half-brother, anyways.”

“Half-brother?” Dean spat out.

“Hey, watch your tone.” John snapped.

“I have a half-brother?” Dean asked.

“Yeah, if you were here at dinner last night I could have told you with Sammy. Sammy took it well.” John retorted. “Whatever, I am going to be gone for a few weeks. The last rent is in its normal spot and money for food until you are settled into Kate’s house in also in its place. Remember to watch out for Sammy.” John set standing and grabbing his duffel and walking out.

Dean stood in the kitchen frozen. John’s words from last night and this morning rang around in his head like church bells. ‘Y _ou useless piece of shit, you bastard, boy, dumb ass. If you were here at dinner last night I could have told you with Sammy. **Sammy** took it well. You’re worthless. You deserved that beating last night. It wasn’t enough. You **deserved** more than what you got. You don’t deserve food. You’re not good enough for food. You have to mean something to get food, Dean. You are nothing.’_

Dean struggled for air. He grabbed a pencil and paper and wrote a note to Sam tell him he was going out for a little bit. Dean grabbed his running clothes and shoes and pulled him on carefully. He walked quietly out the door and locked it. Sam’s safety came first. With every running steps flared up the pain in his ass and stomach. His face hurt from the punches but his head hurt from John’s words. He couldn’t breathe but was still running.

He only stopped once and that was because he was getting so choked up that he puked up stomach acid. He got his breath and wiped his chin before running like nothing happened until he reached the park bench. **_Safety_**. He only wished Cas had been there. He just wanted to wrap his arms around the guy and feel like he was someone. But he was alone on that park bench at 8 in the morning. He curled up in a ball on the bench for God know how long before heard a familiar voice coming towards him. _Cas._

* * *

 

**_Castiel’s POV_ **

“YOU DID _WHAT_ , GABRIEL?!” Castiel heard his mother shout at apparently Gabriel. Although, Gabriel seemed to always have Castiel’s back, he was called the trickster of the family for a reason. He was always getting into trouble, and tricking was his specialty. “This is the _biggest_ mistake you’ll ever make in your life. How could you? I let you do whatever you want and you go and do this!” He heard his mother yell. She didn’t yell much.

“Mama, I’m sorry!” Gabriel never called her Mama anymore either. This _had_ to be bad.

“No! I let you kids do anything you want! All I ask are you don’t drink, do drugs or have sex until marriage and what do you do? You go have sex with a girl that’s not even your girlfriend! Is—is this some type of sick joke?” She yelled hearing a whimper from Gabriel all the way in Cas’s room.

“Come on Mom, Gabriel slipped up once I’m sure he hasn’t done it more than once.” He heard Anna say as he got closer to the stairway downstairs. “Isn’t that _right,_ Gabe?” Anna asked, her eyes begging him to answer correctly.

Castiel was on the stairway looking down into the room where they were. Everyone was up and talking expect him. ‘ _Why do they never wake me up…?’_ Castiel thought to himself, not being noticed with all the shouting.  

Gabriel nodded to Anna’s question. “Anna! He could have done this 1,000 times and this would still happen!” Michael explained loudly. “Michael, I’m just—“

“You know he’s right Anna, don’t fight with him…” Balthy calmly said. Anna sighed and nodded. Gabriel was in tears and even Lucifer wasn’t fighting.

Anna wrapped an arm around Gabriel and was trying to calm him. “Do you even know the girl’s name?” Naomi asked brushing her hair out of her face looking down at Gabriel.

“Kali; her name is Kali.” Gabe spook quietly almost into his hand.

“You did it with _Kali_!” Lucifer yelled with a smile, holding his hand up for a high five only making the room go quiet. “Oh brother, I hope you didn’t catch anything.” His hand slowly went down along with his sense of humor as Mom glared at him.

“Mom, what am I supposed to do...?” Gabriel asked wiping his eyes with his sleeve.

“A-about what?” Castiel asked walking down the stairs to the end.

“Castiel...I thought you were asleep…”

“W-what are you s-supposed to do a-about what?” Cas shook out.

“Gabe here knocked some girl up!” Lucifer said slurring the words out of his mouth with a devilish grin.

“Lucifer!” Anna yelled.

“You guys didn’t feel like…like this was important for me t-to know?”

“Cas…we were going to tell you…” Mom said going up to him.

“Stop! Get away from him!”

“What, Castiel? What are you talk—“

“I said…GET OUT. EVERYONE.” He yelled holding his breath, getting everyone’s attention. It was Castiel’s time to care for Gabriel and he wanted nothing to do with anyone but Gabriel. Everyone was in a gasp hearing Cas yell. He barely talk, so him yelling was a warning.

They all left the room; expect Gabriel who was staring at Cas. “What the hell was that Cas?” Gabriel asked as Cas sat down awkwardly next to him.

“I’m helping you…”

“Cas, that’s not helping that’s being ru—“

Gabriel’s voice sank regretting his words as soon as they came out. Cas looked over at him, standing up quickly. “Cas, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—“

“Yes, you did! I knew you didn’t like me either. Never have, just an act!” He yelled.

“Castiel, what are you talking about? We all love you.”

“No! You don’t! I just wanted to help!” He yelled louder, making Michael come out of his room and look as well as Anna. Gabriel dropped a hand on Castiel’s shoulder, trying to get him. He only felt bone.

With a confused face he ran after Cas. “Cas! You are helping! You’re here…You’re always here being yourself.”

‘ _Being myself…I don’t want to be myself! I hate myself! He knows I’m not normal!’_ Castiel thought to himself, tears getting in his eyes. He turned around and ran out the door hearing Gabriel running behind him and Michael saying “He has problems Mom; he needs to be checked out.”

Somewhere on the way out realizing he was a mess, Gabriel had stopped running after him. Cas was only in some sweatpants, and old t-shirt; not even shoes on his feet. He went to where he always went; the park.

But unlike other times, Dean was there. Dean was sweaty and slightly distressed, but Cas didn’t care, it was Dean. Castiel usually only was there with Dean at night, why was he here now? He was too depressed to think.

“Dean!” He yelled out wiping the tears out of his eyes.

“Cas?” He asked as Castiel ran over to him, ramming into his chest, falling apart. “Castiel what happened?”

“Just...stay here…please…” Castiel shouted cuddling into Dean’s chest.

Dean nodded and held Cas tighter. “Cas…what’s wrong—“

Cas didn’t know what made him do it, but he did. He was depressed and figured only one person cared about him now. Only one person and that was Dean. So he did what he thought he’d never have the guts too.

**_He kissed Dean._ **

 


	13. Pain and Pleasure

                **_DEAN’S POV_**

With Cas on his chest was painful but he wasn’t on his mind. What he was thinking about the lips on top of his. Castiel kissed him. _‘What going on? This can’t be happening. Castiel doesn’t like you this way. He must have been drinking or high so something.’_

Dean closed his eyes and kissed back and cupped Cas’s cheeks and turned his head and deepened the kiss. Seconds later Dean pulled back but kept his hands on Cas’s face. “Cas, what was that for?”

Cas stared into Dean’s eyes. “I-I…I don’t know.”

Dean rubbed the pad of his thumb across Cas’s cheek and smiled. Cas reached across and gently slid his hands down the side of Dean’s face. Dean leaned into the touch and closed his eyes. He was afraid Cas saw the bruise there, but Cas never said anything. “That’s ok, Cas. I’ve wanted to do that for weeks.” Dean smiled as Cas hand grazed over Dean’s chest.

“I’m glad you are here.” Cas whispered.

Dean smiled and leaned in closer and Cas placed his hand firmly on Dean stomach. The pain in his stomach flared up and Dean pushed himself away from Cas as quickly as possible and hissed in agony as he wrapped his arms around his stomach not looking at Cas, yet.

When he did look up at Cas, his facial expression was one of complete horror and teary eyes. Cas had lost all color in his face. Dean knew Cas thought he had hurt him. Dean scrambled back over to Cas and gripped Cas’s shoulders. “Dean—Dean…I-I’m…I’m sorry. I-I hurt you. I didn’t…I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry. I-I should… I should g—“

Dean slammed his lips into Cas’s as the other man rambled. He gripped Cas’s face once again then pulled away. “Cas, listen to me when I say you did not hurt me. I got hurt last night. It was all _my_ fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not your fault.”

Cas nodded and Dean wiped Cas’s wet eyes and rose to his feet. He stretched out his hand and lead Cas to the woods for privacy.

* * *

 

**_CASTIEL’S POV_ **

                Castiel walked behind Dean as they entered the woods. He was confused, they only usually went to the woods for when he had to let all his food out, but he hadn’t eaten today. Dean sat down near a tree, patting beside him as if saying ‘ _sit here Cas.’_ He tried to ignore Dean’s hiss of pain as he sat down.

                Castiel sat down next to him, giving him a questionable look. Dean smiled and kissed Castiel cheek, making him blush, deep and red. “Dean, what are we doing out here?”

                “I thought I’d bring you somewhere special to us, but private.” He said getting closer to Castiel, kissing the side of his chin. Castiel was shaking and scared, and didn’t exactly know what was happening. But Dean’s sweet kisses on his neck where enough to make his pants tight. Castiel wasn’t new to these feelings of course because of purity, but that was just cause of purity. He had never thought dirty thoughts before with Dean or ‘played with himself’ as his brother’s called it.

                “Lay down baby,I got you, you're safe with me.” Dean whispered into Castiel’s ear, making him shiver. He was a full on virgin, he hadn’t done _anything_ to himself or by others at all.

                Castiel gently laid back on the grassy ground, staring at the glittering green eyes of Dean. Dean leaned in and kissed Castiel in ways he didn’t think was possible. Castiel’s lips were almost stuck to Dean’s and soon their tongues where dancing together to their rhyme.

                Dean slowly sat up and smiled at Castiel. Cas tried to smile, too nervous to even move a muscle. The t-shirt on his back felt dirt against it, along with his sweatpants. Dean wrapped his arms around his waist pulling his t-shirt up. Sure, he had bruises on his stomach but Castiel didn’t have room in his brain to worry. He barely had room to think.

                The t-shirt was tossed on the ground next Cas. “Your turn, baby…” He leaned in the Cas’s ear whispering. “D-Dean I’ve n-never done t—“

                Dean bit the tip Cas’s ear softly. “Ssssh,” He laid his lips against Cas’s “It’s going to okay…I’ll keep you safe…” Dean whispered touching the hem of his shirt. Cas nodded and raised his arms, letting his shirt be flipped off his head. His bare back hit the dirty grass with a smashing noise.

                Dean’s blissfully touched Castiel’s hip bone that was sticking out more than Castiel remembered. “You’re beautiful…” He whispered to him lightly rubbing his finger’s down his limp chest. His chest slowly moved up and down as Dean’s finger’s slid all the all down to Castiel’s happy trial.

                Dean’s touch felt warm and it made him feel like he was safe. Castiel’s was stuck in his thoughts under Dean’s love. He wanted to talk; he really wanted to. He wanted to tell Dean ‘ _I’m not beautiful…I’m just Cas…’_ But no words were exiting his mouth.

                His boxer’s under his sweatpants where getting so tight, he never felt it before. Dean’s hand lowered from Cas’s chest to his own pants, unzipping them and slipping them off slowly and sexy like. Castiel bit his lip, not even knowing what to do. His fingers grabbed at the grass, as if they had to have something to play with.

                Next thing he knew Dean was getting on top of him, in his boxers. _‘He’s gorgeous… I want to be perfect just like him. He is perfect. I want to as skinny as him, he is perfect.’_ Castiel thought to himself, feeling Dean’s bare chest get on Cas’s.

                Dean’s hand went down to Cas’s hip and started pulling down at his pants, dragging his boxers done with it. Next thing he knew he was bare naked with a half naked Dean on top of him. He was hard, he had never been that hard in his life. Dean’s fingers slipped under his boxers and loosely shrugged them off his skinny hips.

                “You’re so skinny baby…” Dean whispered in Cas’s ear making him shake. “I wish I was as skinny as you…” He mumbled.

                Cas smiled and nodded, although Dean was _way_ skinnier than Castiel. His rib cage, hips, shoulder blades, were all sticking out and he looked like if he was touched wrong, he’d break. Dean slowly started kissing Castiel’s face, chin, and neck over and over again. “A-ah…” Castiel moaned out, opening his eyes turning a dark red color.

                “It’s okay baby…I want to hear you, show me where you like to be touched, tell me what makes you feel _really good._ ” Dean said between little bites at his neck. Cas nodded and closed his eyes again, not being able to help it.

                Dean was a pro at this as it seemed to Cas. Castiel was in amazement. Dean’s hand moved down Castiel’s chest as he licked and kissed on a sweet spot of Cas; right above his collarbone. “O-oh…D-d-dean…” He moaned out of his lips.

                Dean sat up and put his fingers up to Castiel’s face. “Lick them baby…Make them _soaking_ wet.” Dean seductively said, rubbing his fingers on Cas’s cheek. Castiel licked his lips and let Dean drag his finger into his mouth. He licked and sucked at his fingers, smirking. Dean slowly let his fingers fall out with Castiel’s spit hanging off his fingers.

                He slowly kissed down Cas’s chest all the way to his pelvic bone. Dean’s hand reaching down to Cas’s ass. He flushed red, embarrassed. ‘ _I’m so ugly…how is he even doing this…’_

                  “Put your legs around my waist, Cas. It’ll be more comfortable...” Dean said, and Cas nodded. He brought his legs up to Dean’s waist, feeling scared and embarrassed to what was to come. He crossed his feet to keep a hang on Dean as Dean dragged him closer to him. Cas felt a sting on his back, from probably a stick on the ground, but for the moment Castiel didn’t care. Although it was painful, and seemed to have gone deep, he just cared about Dean.

                The next thing he knew Dean’s cold, wet fingers where playing with Cas’s tight hole. “O-o-oh…” He moaned. One moist finger was sliding into his hole. He grabbed at grass and dirt in the ground feeling Dean’s finger move in and out. “You like that baby…?” Dean groaned, biting his lip and kissing Castiel’s thigh.

                Castiel moaned louder and nodded. Next thing he knew, another finger was being stuck into his tight, tight, hole. “Ah!” He let out louder than he wanted to admit. “Yes baby! Scream for me!” Dean whispered kissing at his Cas’s left thigh. “I wanna hear you call my name, and beg for more.”

                Dean scissored his finger, farther in and screeched the tiny muscle out. Pre-cum was leaking out of Cas’s cock, he couldn’t help it. His hand went up to his cock, and touched it only for it to knock off. “I’ll do the entire work baby, enjoy yourself…” Dean whispered snaking his fingers out of his hole.  Cas looked up for a moment seeing Dean lick his fingers; the same ones that went into Cas’s hole. He licked and sucked at his fingers and started to rub it on his cock. “You ready, baby?” He asked still rubbing his hardened one; it was leaking pre-cum too.

                Castiel nodded and wrapped his legs tight against Dean only to get the sting again by something on the ground under him. He hissed in pain for a second, but Dean didn’t seem to notice.

                He aligned his cock with Cas’s hole and slowly started to push it in. “A-a-ahhh!” Cas yelled out, in pain and pleasure. “Don’t worry baby, you’re safe with me.” Dean calmly said to Castiel. Castiel moaned louder as Dean went in deeper. “D-Dean!” He screamed in more pain than pleasure. Dean pushed Castiel more towards him, digging whatever was below Cas in deeper. He hissed in pain, eyes getting teary. ‘ _Such a wimp Castiel…you can take it…’_

A shock of pleasure shook through his body when Dean hit this one spot in his hole. “Aw-w!”

                “Right there, baby?” Dean asked thrusting into his hole again just to hear Cas moan. “D-Dean!” He groaned out as Dean thrust into Cas more. Dean kept on hitting Castiel’s prostate that he had found, until he knew Cas was about to explode. “D-Dean, I-I—“

                Castiel came as soon as Dean rubbed his cock, getting cum all over his hand as he rubbed and played with the head with his thumb. Dean soon after hit his climax inside Castiel moaning out loud “C-Cas!” louder than Cas moaned once.

                Dean slowly started to get his cock out of Castiel. He hissed a little until Dean collapsed on top of him, smiling. “Y-You did good…” Castiel breathed out. Dean nodded and kissed Castiel once again. Every time Castiel moved he felt a sting on his back. ‘ _You can deal with it Cas, look at Dean…if he can deal, you can! You wimp!’_

Dean smiled and stretched out to get his pants along with Castiel’s. He gave Cas his and put his boxer’s and excising pants back on, only showing his bruised up chest. Castiel sat up and hissed with a harsh sting on his back. “You okay…?” Dean questioned.

                Castiel nodded and got his boxers and pants on. He sat down as Dean sat down across from him, cuddling against him. Castiel for once smiled and cuddled into Dean back. He was happy to be with someone who was so perfect.

                Dean wrapped his arms around Cas’s warm body touching his back. Cas noticed he stopped after he hissed, Dean barely touching that one spot. “Cas…”

                “What?” Castiel asked confused. Dean’s face was on his hand and looked worried. The next words made him want to puke, being the serious hemophobic he was.

                “You’re _b-bleeding_ Cas…” Dean stuttered out looking at his hand. Castiel saw his hand and did what any person like him would.

                _He passed out._


	14. Sticks and Stones May Break my Bones but Words Will Be the Death of Me

**_DEAN’S POV_ **

“Cas?” Dean shook him a little. “Cas, wake up, baby.”

He gave Cas a good once over and realized that there was a decent sized cut going vertically down Castiel’s back. He had to advert the hospital. Cas would hate him if he ended up there. Dean stood up quickly and grabbed his shirt and pulled it on and grabbed Cas’s shirt and used it as a make-shift bandage for the moment. He lifted Cas into his arms and began jogging towards his apartment.

Dean was used to running long distances like from the park to the apartment, but he’s not use to running with extra weight of another person in his arms. Cas wasn’t much but he was enough to make it harder from Dean.

By the time he got to the apartment complex he was panting heavily and his whole body ached. _‘Come on, Dean. You run this damn path every day multiple times a day. You can do this with Cas in your arms. Get the fuck up those damn stairs and patch up your friend. You dumbass.’_

Dean shakily climbed the stairs, panting loudly. He quickly reached the door and saw a note for him from Sam. _“Dean, my friends Brady invited me to hang out with him and my friend Jess. I’ll be home at 4, you better be home before Kate gets here. ~Sam’_

Dean opens the door and dashes to his and Sam’s room. He carefully laid Cas on his stomach and removed the now very bloody shirt from Cas’s back.

Dean knew a little bit of first aid. John taught him just in case when he was in 7th grade and Sammy cut open his knee and needed stitches but they didn’t have any money.

Dean ran to get his first aid kit. Dean crouched beside the bed and gently cleaned the wound. Once it was clean he crawled on the bed and started to stitch. It was a long process so he let his mind drift. _‘Cas wasn’t moaning in pleasure. He was in pain. You did this to him, Dean. If you weren’t such a horny fat ass you would have realized Cas was in pain and not liking what was happening. You’re a fuck up, Dean. You screw up everything you touch. Castiel is going to hate you when he wakes up. He will **never** forgive you for what you have done. He will never talk to you again. You’re just like you Dad says you are, Dean. A good for nothing, useless bastard.’_

Dean shook his head and tried to take a deep breath but came up short and kept panting heavily. His hands were shaking so it took his twice as long to finished Cas’s stitches.

Dean spent the next hour or so working out and working up a sweat. At one point he took off his shirt and looked at himself in the mirror. His stomach had dark purple with tints of green bruises above his belly button. He felt his stomach lightly.

He stomach concaved inward making his rib cage poke out. He wasn’t thin enough in his mind. After harshly judging himself for a while he heard Cas starting to wake up. Dean crawled onto the bed only to heard Cas’s breathing becoming quick and labored.

Dean placed his hand on Cas’s shoulder and a panicked scream escaped Cas’s mouth and he tried to escaped. Dean held him down in fear Cas might rip out his stitches. “Sh, Sh, Cas, it’s just me. It’ just me, Dean. You’re safe. We are at my place. I don’t want you to rip out your stitches. Calm down, baby. You’re safe.”

Cas slowly found Dean’s eyes. “D-Dean?”

“Yeah, it’s me.” Dean half smiled. “Cas, I’m sorry, I hurt you. I should have stopped. I should have never done that. Because of me you are hurt and have stitches in your back. I’m a horrible person and I understand if you’re ma-“

“Dean.” Cas stopped him. “I-I don’t like blood. Hemophobia. It wasn’t your fault. It was a stick. I-I…I didn’t want you to stop. I-I like it…a lot.” Cas blushed.

Cas slowly rolled over to his back and winced then relaxed. Dean laid down beside him and laid his head down on Cas’s chest. Cas ran his fingers through Dean’s hair. Dean traced an eight on Cas’s chest.

Cas gently rubbed/scratched Dean’s scalp in a soothingly peaceful manner. It was calming, especially with Cas’s smooth relaxed heartbeat in Dean’s ear. He didn’t realize how exhausted he was until that action lulled him to sleep. He had no idea if Cas had done the same thing. The only thing Dean know is that after a very happy dream about Cas Dean was suddenly awoke by the front door opening and Sam’s voice calling for him.

Dean scrambled off the bed, jerking Cas awake. Dean pulled on his shirt. “Sam?”

“Hey, you’re actually home.” Sam said entering the room and eyes immediately going to Cas on the bed staring at the him shocked.

“Sam, this is Castiel. He fell and cut his back so I did I little first aid and stitched him up.”

“Why didn’t you go to the doctors?” Sam asked innocently.

“It was nothing I couldn’t handle, Sammy.” Dean replied standing. “I’m going to the bathroom.”

Once Sam heard the door shut he walked over to Cas. ‘’You have been hanging out with Dean a lot lately right?”

Cas nodded. “I-I guess…I mean… that’s—that’s what friends do, right?” Cas mumbled.

Sam sighed. “I’m trying to ask you if you have noticed anything strange going on with Dean.”

“How do you mean?” Cas said as he bit his lip.

Sam leaned in closer to Cas. “I haven’t seen Dean eat in a long time. He tells me that he eat but I only see his exercise and his clothes are getting baggier and baggier. I’m only in 5th grade and I know something is wrong in my brother.”

Before Cas could answer Sam, Dean entered the room. “Sam, I’m going to start fixing supper for you, Kate and Adam soon. What do you want?”

“You’re not going to eat?” Sam asked with anger in his voice.

“Nah, not hungry. Cas and I ate already. Isn’t that right, Cas?” Dean asked folding his arms over his chest and propping in the doorway.

Cas stayed quiet and nodded staring at Dean.

“You’re unbelievable, Dean.”

“How am I unbelievable, Sam?” Dean snapped.

“I know you’re lying.” Sam yelled back. “Prove to me that you ate already, Dean.”

“I don’t have to justify myself to you, Sam.” Dean stormed away. Sam followed.

“Look me in the eyes and tell me you have been eating.” Sam yelled as Dean grabbed three plates from the cabinets. “TELL ME YOU HAVE BEEN EATING, DEAN!”

Dean threw the three plates in his hands down on the ground forcefully. “ _DAMMIT, SAMMY!_ ” Dean fumed. “Do you want me to fix your fucking dinner or not?!”

Castiel stood in the doorway of Sam and Dean’s bedroom and Sam was standing right in front of the kitchen scared and close to tears. Dean stormed out of the kitchen and shoved pasted Sam and walked into the bathroom and slammed the bathroom door that the pictures on the walls fell and broke when they hit the ground.

Dean stared at the mirror above the sink. He didn’t know where that sudden burst or anger came from. He just knew Sam was pissing him off. _‘Everyone is turning against you, Dean. You’re not good enough for them. You’re ugly and worthless. Useless and pitiful. You should fix Sam, Kate and Adam supper and watch them eat it and not eat a drop. That’s what you deserve. **Torture.** You’re just a giant fuck up and screw up everything you touch. Why do you every try anymore?’_

Dean just got angrier with himself that he punched the mirror cracking it and slicing his knuckle on the glass. He flung open the bathroom door and didn’t see Cas or Sam. He walked into his room to grabbed the first aid kit when he saw Cas standing by the window.

Dean carefully grabbed the kit and sat on the bed. He knew Cas knew he was sitting there. Dean spoke up. “I’m guess you heard me exploded.”

Cas was silent not looking at Dean, just staring out the window.

“I punched a mirror so don’t look over here unless you wanna see my bloody knuckles.”

Cas tensed but didn’t speak.

“I’m sorry.” Dean mumbled as he wrapped his hand. “I’m an ass. I understand that.”

Cas shook his head.

“You can turn around. I’m blood free. You can be pissed at me.”

Cas slowly turned around and walked over to Dean. “You’re not an ass.”

“Yes I am.”

“I-I…I would have done the same thing.” Cas mumbled. “Maybe not have broken a few plates but would have yelled.”

Dean could have laughed because Cas cracked a simple joke but he couldn’t. He looked down at his hands. “I think you should go before Kate and Adam get here. I don’t want words to spread to my Dad.”

Cas frowned. “I understand.”

“I like it too, by the way.” Dean added. Cas looked confused. “The sex we had was amazing. I can’t wait to do it again.”

Cas half smiled and Dean stood. He walked over to Ca and cupped his jawline. He looked over at the door then pecked Cas on the lips.

“Will you be at the park bench tomorrow morning?”

Cas nodded.

“Good.”

***


	15. The Reflection Staring, Like a Devil Trapped in a Cage

 

**_Cas POV_ **

                Castiel walked home with one of Dean’s shirt’s on because he didn’t have a shirt of his own. His own shirt he came with was soaked in his own blood. He tensed up just thinking about it; blood. He was lucky he wasn’t a girl being a terrible hemophobic.

                He could feel his back sting as he walked. It throbbed with the beat of his heart and hurt more as the shirt on his back touched it. ‘ _You’re such an idiot for not telling Dean before…’_ He thought to himself. Cas had saw Dean and how bad he was getting. Cas saw all bones and how limp he looked. The way his muscles seemed to be getting weaker and weaker.

                Cas wanted to be the skinny. Dean was perfect and Castiel wanted to be just like him. ‘ _You have to work extra hard Castiel…No eating unless you have to then throw all that up…New plan…’_

Castiel nodded. He wanted to be perfect and normal just like Dean finally have everyone like him and have his Dad accept him. He sighed and walked into his house, feet dirty not having any shoes that whole day.

                The house was quiet and Castiel liked it; no fighting. “Castiel!” Castiel heard from behind him. It was Balthazar. “Where have you been all day, it is 6 o’clock at night!” He asked with almost anger in his voice. What was wrong?

                “I was…out…” He said looking around seeing, Anna come out of the kitchen. “Cas, you’re home!” Anna yelled running up to him and hugging him. Cas hissed as her hand ran down his back. “What’s wrong?” She asked panicked. ‘ _She doesn’t really care Cas…Move along…’_

Castiel walked past her not saying a word and walked up the stairs. “Cas, we were looking for you all day!” Balthazar yelled, trying to get Cas’s attention. “Where were you?” He asked running up in front of Cas. Castiel shook his head as if saying no to him.

                “Cas, we were all worried about you today, the least you could do is tell us where you were!” Balthy yelled with Anna behind him. “On a bender.” He casually said shutting his bedroom door in his face just after seeing Balthazar’s confused face. Locking the door Castiel began to take of his shirt and bottoms and look at himself in the mirror.

                ‘ _Got to work harder! Not skinny enough, you have to do more!’_ Castiel nodded to himself and grabbed the trashcan from beside his bed. He hadn’t eaten a thing that day but he felt the need to feel skinnier.

                Digging his fingers into the back of his throat he threw up stomach acid and mucus from the bottom of his stomach. He brought the bucket up to his chest as he looked at himself. ‘ _More Castiel! More! You’re such a fat-ass! At this rate you’re never going to be as perfect as Dean!’_

Castiel’s stuck his fingers back into his mouth, gagging his body hating him for trying to puke. More mucus came crawling up his throat but mostly he was just gagging. He’s eyes were getting wet and he put the trash-can down.

                His reflection was staring at him like a devil trapped in a cage. Cas could see fat on his thighs, and calves. His stomach was limp but not enough for him. His eyes got tearier and he began to fall to the ground in a puddle of wary emotions.

                ‘ _You’ll always be a fat-ass! You’re gonna be just like your Dad thought you would! You don’t deserve to be normal! You can’t be perfect! You’re just a worthless piece of shit.’_

Castiel began to cry with his knees to his chest. His back was stinging from the way he was sitting; probably popping a stitch.

                He crawled into his bed getting a knock on the door. He put his hands over his ears and was curled up into a ball, only his back showing from under the covers. He rocked hearing the door knock again. It was like when he was little, and his Father was home. He’d go up to his room and cry in a panic state until he fell asleep.

                “Castiel, it’s Gabriel…Can I come in?” He asked knocking again, as Cas ignore it. ‘ _Remember he hates you Cas…just like everyone else…’_  

                “Cas, unlock the door, I want to talk to you…” He yelled calmly, knocking on the door once more. Castiel shook his head, his body shaking, hating himself.

                “Castiel open this damn door!” Gabriel yelled with anger now. About 10 minutes later he heard Michael talking to Gabe outside the door. “I’ll unlock it Gabe…Has he been acting strange to you lately? I mean, I know Castiel is strange in general but, I mean _strange, strange._ ”

                He heard the keys to unlock his door ring as they hit the door. “Yeah, I know what you’re saying, I’d agree.” Gabe said. ‘ _I told you Cas, they hate you. You’re never going to be normal! They HATE you.’_

The door swung open and he could hear the gasping coming from both their mouths. “Cas! Cas, you okay?” Gabe said rushing over to him. He saw the deep, red, cut on his back and was scared. Cas knew it.

                “Michael! Get Mom, he’s having another panic attack about Dad.” Gabe yelled as if it was a _normal_ thing to happen. 5 minutes later Naomi was in Cas’s room on his bed rubbing his shoulder. “Cas, it’s okay…Ssssh, Mama’s here…” Her voice was calming, making him calm a bit. ‘ _She knows your fat too…she doesn’t care…she’s just like Dad…’_  He thought to himself shivering. “Castiel baby, it’s okay, it’s all okay…Mama’s here…Ssssh…”  She said quietly looking at the cut on Cas’s back, probably thinking their Dad had done it. That their Dad had come to Cas and beaten him.

                Cas’s eyes soon where closed just listening to his Mother talk to his oldest brother. “Michael, has he always been this skinny…?” She asked.

                “No Mom, seems like he’s been getting skinnier sense about a month ago.” Michael replied. The last thing Castiel remember was his Mother whispering something to Michael and him nodding. He then fell asleep.


	16. The Truth Would Be Revealed

**_DEAN POV_ **

“Dean?” He heard as he sat on his bed.

He turned his head to see a woman with blonde hair. “You must be Kate.”

She smiled. “Yes, I am. Sam told me you were in here cooling down.”

“Yeah, I’m fine now.”

“Can I come in?” She asked. Dean scooted over and nodded. She walked over and sat down beside him. “You wanna tell me what happened? I saw the shattered plates in the trash can and the broken, bloody mirror in the bathroom. What got you so vamped?”

“Its nothing.” Dean mumbled.

“Well, that’s a lot of nothing for bloody knuckles and a scared little brother.”

Dean stared at his hands. “I just got angry.”

“Dean, I want to be like a mother to you. I want you to be able to talk to me…”

That sparked a new flame of anger. “No! You will not be like a mother to me. If you are a going to be my mother that means you are replacing my real mom. I will not call you my mom.” Dean quickly rose to his feet. All of a sudden blood rushed to his head and his vision went funny as he collapsed to the ground.

Kate hurried over to Dean. “Oh my God, Dean. Are you ok?”

“Get away from me. I’m fine. Just a head rush.” Dean yelled pushing the woman away from him.

“Dean, that was more than just a head rush. Stuff like that only happens that bad when your blood pressure or sugar is low. Come on, you need something to eat to bring that up.”

“No! I’m not hungry, my blood pressure isn’t low and neither is my blood sugar.” Dean growled.

“Dean, I’m a nurse I know what’s best for you.” Kate reinsured.

Dean rose to his feet and gripped his dresser. “You don’t know what’s best for me, lady. I know what’s best for me. Now can we pack up some fucking box?”

He walked out of the room and into the living room where Sam was watching a little kids show with a tiny toddler sitting beside him. Dean walked over to the couch and Dean crouched now on the balls of his toes. The little blonde headed boy with big green eyes like Dean’s looked at him.

“You must be Adam.” Dean smiled. The little kids nodded and kept staring at Dean. “I’m Dean.”

He gave a tiny wave. “Hi.” He said quietly.

“Hey I got something fun that you can play while Sammy, your mommy and I pack.” Dean smiled.

Adam’s eye grew big and a smiled crept up onto his face. He stretched out his hands towards Dean. “He likes to be carried. He’s a lazy little fella.” Kate smiled walking into the living room.

Dean stood and lifted the small boy into his arms and onto his hip. Adam wrapped his arms around Dean’s neck as Dean walked into his and Sam’s room. Once they were in the room Dean sat Adam on his bed. He got down on the ground and pulled out a box. He set it on the bed and opened it and pulled out some of his old action figures he never played with. “These are action figures. They are superheroes who fight evil.”

Adam smiled, but hesitated on grabbing one. Dean looking in the box and pulled out his old favorites. “Here, you can play with them.”

Adam slowly took the action figure from Dean’s hand. “You play wif me?”

Dean smiled. _‘Adam is a good kid, Dean. Don’t let him turn into you.’_

“I’m sorry, buddy, maybe later tonight. I have to pack.”

Adam nodded and looked down at the figures then back at Dean. “Fank you.”

Dean smiled. “No problem, little man.”

Dean walked back into the living room. Kate was fixing sandwiches. There was three sandwiches. “You’re just in time, Dean. I fixed sandwiches to eat before we start packing.”

“Not hungry. I’m going to start packing in Dad’s room.” Dean started walking towards John’s room.

“Dean, eat, please.” Sam begged. Dean rolled his eyes and kept walking into the room and shut the door.

He packed for at least an hour before he heard knocking on the door. “Dean, come out of the room. Eat some food.” It was Kate’s voice.

“Not hungry, leave me alone.” Dean spoke packing up a box.

“I’m not asking you to stuff yourself. Just one sandwich.”

“Leave me alone.” Dean began on the last box other than John bed, mattress, and dresser. “I’m not hungry.”

Dean ignored the knocks on the door for another hours and Dean was exhausted after undoing John bed and moving the mattress. Dean rose to his feet while panting harder than he was after carrying Cas to the apartment. When he got to his feet he was hit with another serious head rush. He collapsed to the ground. He was too weak to stand and couldn’t get a good breath. He gripped his chest and panted.

Kate must have heard Dean collapsed because she unlocked the door and rushed in and over to Dean. Sam was right behind her. “Dean?”

“Leave…me…alone.” Dean wheezed.

“Sam, what do you think is causing this?” Kate asked.

“I don’t think he has been eating. I mean I haven’t seen him actually eating in months. He always tells me he ate with a friend or earlier that day.”

“Sam, why haven’t you told anyone about this?”

“Shut up, Sam. He’s lying, Kate. I eat.” Dean spat out.

“Then how do you explain this, Dean?” Sam yelled.

Kate looked at Dean. “Ok, mister. We are going to head to my house and get you some filling foods in your system and get you some rest and come back in the morning to finish packing.”

“No. I’m not hungry. I’m not eating your food and you can’t make me.”

Kate helped Dean to his feet. “Then we get you to my house and get you straight to bed and we’ll talk in the morning.”

Dean went along with it so they would get off his back. Kate got Adam and Dean grabbed his and Sam’s overnight bags and they went to Kate’s place. The drive was quiet and Dean dashed to the guest room where Kate said it was.

He slowly pulled off his shirt and pants. He drug through his duffel for his sweats to sleep in. He crawled in the bed. He fell asleep quickly and didn’t know how long he was asleep before he was jerked up into a seated position. He opened his eyes and John was standing beside the bed with a serious expression on his face. “Dad?”

“Lift up your shirt.” John demanded.

“What?”

“Lift up your shirt.”

Dean hesitated. He slowly lifted his shirt revealing his stomach and rib cage. John could see all of Dean’s bones. “What time is it?”

“4 in the morning. Dean, what have you done to yourself?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Dean mumbled.

John jerked Dean out of the bed and to his feet. “Dean, you’re going somewhere to get help.”

“I’m fine, Dad, really.”

“You’re not healthy, Dean. It’s a good thing Kate called me when she did.”

“How did Kate know?”

“Sammy told her. I’m glad he did.” John started to pull Dean towards the hallway.

“No! No!” Dean yelled trying to get away. “Please, don’t take me to the hospital. Dad, please, no.” Dean begged pulling away as hard as he could. John dragged Dean all the way to the door when Dean saw Sam standing behind Kate.

“We are leaving, Kate.” John said as he opened the door.

Dean stared at Sam. “How could you Sam. You lied to Kate and Dad. Nothing’s wrong with me. How could you, Sammy. I trusted you. I hate you!” Dean yelled and he flailed in John grip.

Like that Dean was in the car and on the way to the hospital.

***


	17. Drowning Lessons

**_CAS POV_ **

                Castiel woke up that morning with the sun in his face, it wasn’t quiet either. Lucifer and Michael where fighting over something down the stairs. That meant their Mother wasn’t home. Castiel slowly got up and changed into his clothes for the day. He was in sweatpants and a loose shirt; he didn’t want his shirts to be tight on him.

                He didn’t want his fat showing so people would judge him. He walked down the stairs looking at Michael and Lucifer as they fought over something probably stupid. But Castiel didn’t care, he wanted to see Dean. He wanted to see the glittering green eyes, the skinny body. Dean was Cas’s role-model. He was normal unlike Cas thought he was, also perfect.

                Castiel sneaked out the door behind their backs. He was going to the park to see his—friend. He smiled. He finally had a friend.

                Castiel went all the way to the park bench, Dean wasn’t there yet but Castiel was okay with waiting. It was for Dean. His back had lost a stitch as he had thought, so he needed Dean to fix that too. He waited there and waited. No Dean.

                ‘ _He’ll show up Cas…You trust Dean…He’s your friend…’_ He thought to himself. He looked around to see if Dean was close to coming to him. ‘ _He’s probably just on a run…He’s your friend…He would never leave you…’_

An hour went by as Castiel waited on the bench. _‘Maybe…maybe by the park he meant forest…’_ So he got up and walked to the forest, in the area they always had met. He looked around and tried to keep his hope up. “Dean?” He yelled out as loud as he could. He was scared.

                “Dean, please…Y-you can stop hiding…It’s just me…” He yelled his voice cracking. ‘ _It’s just Cas…the unnormal and imperfect guy…’_

“D-Dean, I’m s-serious…I-It’s not funny!” He yelled, frowning panicking in his head, looking around. “Dean, please! C-come on-n…I’m h-here…” He said quieter dropping to his knees in a pile of leaves under him.

                His crystal blue eyes broke into a deep dark sea; he was drowning. A tear dripped off his chin as he talked. “I’m…I’m here D-Dean…” He said to himself hiccupping. He looked into his hands that where getting blurry from his vision. “DAMN IT DEAN! C-COME O-OUT!” He shouted slamming his hands onto the grounds.

                He sobbed into his hands and got up. He had lost everyone. He didn’t want anything more than to be as perfect as him and as normal as him and he’d lost that. He’d lost everything.

                He started running out of the forest onto the park grounds. There was still no Dean. ‘ _No one has ever liked you Cas, you see. Dean just used you for sex, and left you. He never needed you. He never even liked you. **NO ONE** likes you. You deserve nothing but the worst. You stupid, worthless, fat-ass you are.’_

Cas ran as fast as he could to where he remembered Dean’s apartment was. He looked up, wiping his eyes. ‘ _Maybe…he just forgot…’_

He ran up the stairs to the second floor, where the room was. Knocking lightly on the door only for the door to open on his own. Castiel looked in. His heart seemed to stop as he looked.

                It was _empty_. ‘ _He even left the place to get away from **YOU.** See, no one likes you Cas, no one ever has.’_

Castiel grabbed his chest and let out a cry and shook his head. “D-Dean…I t-trusted you…I-I f-finally m-made a f-f-friend! But I was _wrong!_ I’ll n-never make a friend…I’m ** _JUST CAS_**!”

                He ran out, and ran all the way till he got home, where he was going to go in his room and never come out. The door was already unlocked as he opened the door fast, not wanting anyone to see his sobs.

                “Well well, the little fat-ass decided to come home did he?”

                As soon as Castiel heard the voice he wanted to run out of the house. Castiel turned around and wiped his eyes to see his Father. “Are you fucking crying? You fucking wimp, aren’t you glad your old man’s here to teach a few things?” He said staring at him with anger in his eyes.

                Castiel wiped his eyes. Michael was next to his Father; not knowing what to do. Castiel ran for the stairs. “No, you ain’t getting away, you piece of shit!” His Father yelled pushing his way through Anna who was trying to stop him.

                Castiel ran into his room, locking the door behind him. He dragged his dresser in front of his door and sobbed. He was done.

                “OPEN THE DOOR CAS!” His Father yelled at him. Castiel shook his head. ‘ _I’m still a fat-ass to him! I must get skinnier! I need to right now!’_

Castiel stuck his fingers down his throat, far back instantly making him vomit the little he had in his stomach. He heard a crash from outside his room and people yelling. He didn’t care anymore. He stuck his fingers farther back only letting out mucus and stomach acid. He did it more and more even if he knew nothing was coming out.

                “CAS IT’S GABRIEL LET ME IN!” He yelled at the top of lungs. He knew Michael had gotten the keys and unlocked the door. His dresser was in the way. “CASTIEL WHAT’S WRONG?! WE CAN HELP YOU!”                  

                He sat up, nothing was coming out and he was sobbing. He stared at himself in the mirror, taking off his shirt to see himself. Screaming out loud, he dug his nails into his scalp. His tears took over his face. “CASTIEL NOVAK, LET US IN!” Michael cried out even Lucifer was screaming for him.

                ‘ _You worthless fat-ass!’_ Cas yelled in his head. He stuck his fingers in his mouth again only gagging. “LEAVE ME ALONE!” Castiel cried out falling to the floor.

                He looked at himself again and screamed, sobbing. Next thing he knew he heard sirens outside his house. “NO!” He yelled out loud and pushed a chair in front of the window. “LEAVE ME ALONE!” He sobbed.

                He shut himself out of the world and got into a ball like a small child. Minutes later another knock was at the door, this one was softer than the others; less demanding. “Castiel baby…It’s Mama…”

                He shook his head and put his hands on his ears. “Baby boy…Let the gentlemen over here in…there here to help you sweetie…” She said softly. Castiel shook his head and sobbed harder. ‘ _I knew I was different…I just want to be normal!’_

The next thing he knew his window was being broken and a man in blue was coming in. “NO! LEAVE ME ALONE!” He yelled backing up as another man came in behind him. “It’s okay kid, we’re here to help you.” They reassured.

                “GO AWAY!” He sobbed out as one grabbed his arm, only getting Cas to snatch it away. The other man moved the dresser letting the door fling open to a couple of ambulances and his mother. She came running in and grabbed Castiel from the police.

                “I-it’s u-unfair!” He said quieter into his mother. “I know baby boy…I know.” She calmly said rubbing his hair lightly. “I-I just w-wanted to be n-n-normal…”

                “Ssssh baby boy…Mama’s here…” She said. “M-m-mama…I-I d-don’t want t-to be here any-anymore…” He shouted getting calmer in his Mother’s hold. “Ssssh…we’re going to get you…you all fixed up.” She chocked up holding him in her arms.

                An ambulance whispered something into her ear making her stand up out of Cas’s grip. “NO! C-COME BACK!” He sobbed out, reaching for her.

                “Come on kid, come with us…It’s okay.”

                “NO!” He yelled as they started picking him up as he tried to get out of their grip. “Baby boy! Baby boy, I’m right here…I’m not going anywhere…” She yelled getting calmer as they got him on a stretcher. She grabbed his hand and smiled at him. “I-I’m s-s-sorry Mama…” He whispered. “Ssssh…” She cooed in his ear, kissing his head.

                The next minute he felt a needle hit him; he didn't remember where. His eyes had fallen close and his Mother got on a big white truck with him. He remembered his Mother holding his hand tight until he couldn’t feel anymore. He was out cold, until he would be awaken later.


	18. The Cracks in His Armor

**_ Name:  _ ** _Dean Michael Winchester_

 **_ Age:  _ ** _14_

 **_ Height:  _ ** _6 feet_

 **_ Weight:  _ ** _82.5 lbs._

 **_ BMI:  _ ** _11.19_

 **_ Diagnosis:  _ ** _Anorexia Nervosa_

Dean sat in the doctors office in hospital pants and a white shirt. John sat beside him. It was still early. 6:00. It took 15 minutes to get to the hospital but just under two hours to get Dean into the hospital, checked in examined, measured, and changed. All that was left was the doctors ok to admit him to Shady Acres.

Dean stared down at his hands. He didn’t dare look at his father. His hands was still bandaged from when he cut his hand. He was really cold in that room without his leather jacket or his Cas to keep him warm. His throat ached from all his yelling and scream he had done that morning. He was exhausted. He felt sick, he was so scared. This was the exact opposite of what he wanted to get from his father.

After 10 minutes of silence John spoke up. “Dean? Why have you done this to yourself, son?”

Dean shook his head. He was close to tears. Scared shitless was an understatement. He just kept shaking his head.

“I mean you should know that not eating is not good for you.” John said trying to not sound mad. Dean stared blankly at his feet. “What made you think you shouldn’t eat?”

“We didn’t have enough money.” Dean softly mumbled.

“What are you talking about? I gave you enough money for you and Sammy for the time period I was gone.”

“No, you didn’t. It was either have Sammy skip a meal every night or I give Sammy all my food and save up and skip meal until you came back. That’s my job. To watch out for Sammy.”

Dean heard john mouth his mouth and begin to form words but stopped. _‘You’re a failure, Dean. You fuck up everything. John is so disappointed in you. Why do you even try anymore?’_ Dean yelled in his head.

“Look at me, Dean.” Dean heard. Dean shook his head. He heard John voice crack. “Look at me, son.”

Dean’s lip quivered. He slowly turned his head to look at his father. John was teary eyed. _‘Oh God, Dean. You made your father cry. How could you? You are a disappointment. Just imagine what Sammy is doing at Kate’s house. Cas. OH GOD! You told Cas to meet you at the park in the morning. You’re a liar, Dean. You have finally destroyed everything in your life.’_

“You’re going to get better, Dean. They are going to help you.”

_‘He’s just saying that to make you think they are doing the right thing. They aren’t going to help. They are just going to make things worse. You’re a horrible person, Dean. Cas is going to be waiting on that park bench in 2 hours and you are going to be here. He can’t handle that, not from you, Dean. How could you be so selfish?’_

He looked at John. The door opened and Dr. Pamela Barnes walked in. “Hello. I’m Dr. Pamela Barnes. You must be Dean Winchester.” She asked looking at Dean.

He nodded and looked back down at his feet. “I’m John Winchester, Dean’s father.”

“Ah Yes. So, Dean is being admitted for-“ She paused looking at his chart. “ _Anorexia Nervosa?_ ”

“I believe so.” John nodded. “Dean’s brother is the one who told us about his problem.”

“Dean, how long have you not been eating?” Dr. Barnes asked to Dean. Dean shook his head and shrugged. “Can you answer me verbally, Dean?”

He looked up at the doctor. “I don’t know. It started being just one meal a day 4 years ago, but it was probably a year or year and a half ago where it got less and less eating.”

He heard John sigh. It broke Dean’s heart. _‘He’s gonna send you away, Dean. Your own father is going to send you away for a long while because you’re not good enough. You’re a worthless, useless, good for nothing, piece of shit, and don’t deserve anything.’_

Dr. Barnes nodded and wrote something down. “Well, Dean, A boy your age and height should weigh about 160 to 180 lbs. Your weight is just above 80 pounds. How your father didn’t notice surprises me.”

“He must have hid under layers of clothes. He is always wearing my old leather jacket.”

Dr. Barnes nodded. “So, Dean, what I think is best is if you are admitted here for a while. I don’t know how long yet, but we wants you to gain a good 15 pounds by the end of next month.”

“No, I can’t do that.” Dean blurted out. He whipped his head towards John. “Dad, don’t let them take me away.”

John looked wearily at Dean. “I’m sorry, son. It’s for your own good. You’re sick.”

“No, I’m not sick. I’m fine. I’m really fine. I exercise every day. The park and back; nonstop.”

“Son, you’re around a hundred pounds under weight. There’s something wrong with that.” John said with a shaky voice.

“I’m not going. You can’t make me. I’m not sick. I’m healthy. I promise. I eat. I swear.” Dean panicked in his seat.

Two male nurses walked into the room. Dean knew they came to take Dean away. “Nurse Fitzgerald and Tran show Dean to his new room. Mr. Winchester will bring Dean’s belongings later this afternoon.” Dr. Barnes stood from her desk.

“No!” Dean yelled staring at the two nurses and then at John. “Dad, don’t let them take me, please.”

John shook his head. “I’m sorry, son.”

The two nurses walked over to Dean. “No, Dad, please. Don’t let them take me, please.”

“Come on, Dean, we have a lot to show you before breakfast starts.” Nurse Fitzgerald said gripped Dean’s arm and pulling him to his feet.

“NO! Dad!” Dean yelled as they pulled him towards the door. John just stood there staring at him. “Daddy, don’t keep me here. Don’t leave me here.”

Dean pulled against Nurse Fitzgerald and got loose and darted towards his Dad but Nurse Tran grabbed him. “No, it’s time to go, Dean.”

“Dad! Please!” Dean screamed in panic. He was sobbing at this point. “Daddy!” Dean yelled as Nurse Tran took by the underarms and Nurse Fitzgerald took his legs and carried out of the room. Dean screamed down the hall until The nurses laid him on the bed and Dean thrashed and they strapped him down.

A brunette haired female nurse walked into and the two nurse held his chest down as the woman by the name of Ruby put an IV in his arm. She put a needle in the IV and sent a drug through the tube and in his veins. It knocked him out instantly.

**_& ^%$#@#$%^&*^%$#@#$%^&*_ **

He woke up still on a bed strapped down. His head was foggy. There was a woman sitting in a chair beside the bed. “Good morning, Dean.” She smiled.

Dean just stared at her. He pulled on his restraints.

“I’m sorry, honey. You won’t get those taken off until you have calm down and won’t try to hurt anyone or yourself.”

Dean’s lips quivered as the memories flooded in of what had just happened. He closed his eyes and whimpered.

“Everything is going to be ok, Dean. I’m Dr. Jody Mills. You can call me Jody. Your father is waiting in the waiting room for you to wake up so he can give you your belongings and speak with you.”

Dean shook his head. “Wanna go home.” Dean whimpered pitifully.

“I’m sorry, sweetie, but this is gonna be your home for a while.” She ran her hands through Dean’s hair gently. “I’ll go get your Dad so we can get your stuff then take you to breakfast.”

“Not hungry.”

“Of course.” Jody nodded. “But you’re gonna have to eat to get outta here, sugar. I’ll be right back, honey.”

She walked out of the room. _‘You really fucked up this time, Dean. If you had only forced down that stupid fucking sandwich Kate offered you could have been at the park with Cas. He is probably going bat shit crazy without you there. You’re so selfish, Dean.’_

John walked into the room with duffel, a blanket and pillow. Dean couldn’t look his father in the eye. “I brought you some clothes, a blanket, a pillow, a few books I thought you might want to read and some other things.”

Dean closed his eyes.

“Sammy wouldn’t have come but he is a little shaken up about everything.”

Dean was silent and pulled at his restraints again.

“I’ll try to come as much as I can but I have to leave again. Kate and Adam will visit and try to bring Sammy.”

Dean accidently let a choked out sob escape his lips.

John patted Dean on the shoulder. “Get better, son. I’ll see you around. Your new room will be perfect for when you get back.”

Dean didn’t say another word. John left and Dr. Mills…Jody walked in again. “Alright Dean, time for breakfast.”

Dean shook his head. “Not hungry.”

Jody walked over close to Dean. “Honey, saying you’re not hungry isn’t gonna get you out of eating. There are three ways this can go down. You can come with me and eat with everyone else, I could bring you food in here and watch you until you eat or I was get a doctor insert a feeding tube.”

Dean nodded and pulled on his restraints. “I-I could eat.”

“That’s my boy.” Jody smiled as she started to undo the straps. “You wanna use your own legs or want to be wheeled?”

“I can walk.” Dean said slowly sitting up.

Dean and Jody walked slowly to the cafeteria. “Now, Dean. There isn’t a lot of people admitted here. Only the pretty severe cases. There’s only about 9 people here including you and 5 doctors. All doctors but me have two patients. Little old me only has you to look after at the moment. You have my full attention for the time being.”

Dean nodded. “Great.”

Jody smirked. Dean followed Jody through the line. She grabbed her own breakfast and slightly smaller portion of food for Dean. “Here you go.” Jody hand Dean the tray.

Egg, bacon, and a biscuit. “Thanks.” Dean said after Jody sat down. He sat down across the doctor. Dean looked down at the food.

“Looking at the food won’t get it eaten any faster.”

Dean looked up at her. He took his fork. “Give me a moment.”

Jody began eating. “Take you time, but food taste better warm.” Dean nodded and took the bacon and took a small bite. “Atta boy.”

“It’s gonna be long day today isn’t it.”

“Oh yeah.” Jody smiled. Dean sighed.

_Dean and Jody sat there for 2 hours before Dean finished all the food on his plate. Jody let him skip lunch this once. He had free time around 3 o’clock. That’s when a surprise happened._

***


	19. A Dreamless Dream

** Name: ** _Castiel James Novak_

**Age: ** _14_

**Height: ** _5’10_

**Weight: ** _89.7 lbs._

**BMI: ** _12.9_

**Diagnosis: ** _Bulimia Nervosa_

                Castiel was in the dark only hearing the wheels of the stretcher he was in being tugged on the hard floor. It squeaked and it hurt his ears. He couldn’t feel his body; it was asleep unlike his mind. He heard people trying to talk to him but he couldn’t be bothered to talk back. He just wanted to curl up in a ball and sleep. Sleep off his pain.

                He could hear noises in the background and was starting to feel his body. His eyes tugged open and closed not wanting to stay open. “Nurse Ruby, he is waking up.” The doctor said touching his limp arm. They said things Castiel didn’t understand. He just sat there with his eyes closed shut.

                “Castiel, can you hear me?” He knew his Mother was right there, that was her voice. Castiel nodded slowly. “I brought all your stuff here for you, baby boy; this is going to be better for you, okay? You’re going to be safe here.” She said and kissed his forehead. Castiel was confused but he heard his mother’s heels clipping away. He couldn’t do anything about it.

                Castiel opened his eyes, panicking instantly. His breathing turned heavy and he could feel his heart beating. ‘ _Where am I? What did Mom mean?’_ He thought to himself looking around shaking. Someone was talking to him but he zoned out. He wasn’t going to talk; no.

                “Hello Castiel, I’m Nurse Ruby, can you hear me?” She ask getting in front of his face. He shook his head quickly and started getting off the bed he was laid in. “No, no, no!” Ruby yelled running after him only for Nurse Tran to get him into her grip.

                He twisted and struggled in her arms to get out, but the nurse was stronger than he was. He was put on the bed and held down until he was strapped onto the bed, tight.

                “Castiel, I’m Nurse Ruby…This is Shady Acres Rehab Center.” She smiled and handed paper work to another nurse. “Do you know why you’re in here, Castiel?” She asked sitting on the side of his bed, looking at her paper work.

                Castiel shook his head. “Well, you’re here for what these papers says _Bulimia Nervosa._ Do you know what that is?” She asked patting his leg. He shook his head.

                “Well, it means you’re unhealthy, and get rid of your food after you eat it, is that right?” Nurse Ruby asked, looking at him now. He just looked at his feet.

                “Do you speak English, doll?” She laughed. He nodded. “Well, do you want to talk for me?”

                He shook his head and closed his eyes, getting teary. She sighed and put her papers into a folder. “Well, in about an hour we’re going to have dinner with your doctor, Dr. Mills. I might as well tell you the rules here. You have to go to breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day and eat your meal before you leave. You must go to your assigned therapy sessions every weekday; Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays are group session, Tuesdays and Thursdays are single sessions with your Doctor. Got any questions, doll?”

                Castiel was still looking down at his feet, not a peep coming from his mouth. “Of course not…Dr. Masters will be in here to watch you until Dinner. I’ll see you later, Castiel.”

                Dr. Masters was in the room before he knew it. She seemed nice enough. “Hey Castiel, I’m Dr. Masters, call me Meg. I’m the group doctor for everyone in here, how are you today?” She asked trying her hardest to sound nice.

                Castiel was looking at the ceiling as if it was most beautiful thing in the world at that moment. “Not one for talking, huh?” She smirked. Castiel closed his eyes; she seemed too sweet to just ignore. “You know, not many people come in here with bulimia, always anorexic. It’s nice to mix it up, right?” She smiled and patted his shoulder. Castiel turned his head the other way, at least outside was nice. “I’m sure Ruby already told it to your straight but it ain’t all bad in here ya know? We aren’t here to hurt you…we just want you to heal.” She calmly said, just like his mother would have.

                Cas’s panicked state began to fade and he decided, she was okay to talk to. Cas looked at her she had brown hair just over her shoulders. Her face was chubbier than most but it was cute. She smiled at him. “Your eyes are beautiful, you know? A pretty face like yours should be talking.” Castiel shook his head.

                “What, you don’t think you’re pretty?” She laughed. He shook his head tempted to talk. “Well sugar, by the time you’re out of here you’re going to think you’re the prettiest flower in the garden.” Castiel laughed a little, a felt like he lost his voice.

                “Dr. Master, he hasn’t got his blood tested yet, we’re going to have to sooner or later.” Castiel’s eyes got wide and shook his head.

“Don’t like needles?” Meg asked him frowning and patting his shoulder letting some nurses in his room.

                Castiel was panicking again as she left a nurse wrapped his arm up. “Okay stay still, sir.” She said sticking the needle into his arm. As soon as the corner of Cas’s eye saw the blood escaping his body his body relaxed and he was out cold.

_So much for having supper._

**_* &^%$#@!@#$%^&*&^%$#@!_ **

**_DEAN POV_ **

“What you mean I have to eat _again?_ ” Dean gaped.

Jody smirked. “Believe it or not, but you have to eat a whole three times a day.”

“I can’t eat anymore today.” Dean shook his head.

“Too bad bucko.” Jody said taking his hands and began walking towards the food line.

“No, Dr. Mills, I am stuffed. I’m _not_ hungry.”

“Nice try, but no dice. You see you finished eating at noon. It’s 6:30. That food you ate is gone. Time for supper.”

Dean groaned and walked behind Jody in the line. Once again his food portion was smaller than Jody’s. Dean trudged back the same spot they sat in at breakfast. He looked around the room and at the different patients and doctors and the group of nurse eating with each other. “Who are all the patients?”

Jody smirked. “You didn’t get to know anyone during your free time?”

“You call those 5 hours of being watched like a hawk in a room filled with books and a TV free time?”

“You’re in a rehab center for people who have an eating disorder. You actually think you aren’t going to be watched 24/7 the whole time? Hell, you have it easier than some of these other people. WE have to people in here that we have to watch them closer then close when they are having free time. They will do anything in their power to sneak in here and eat everything.”

Dean looked around at the different people. “I’m guessing the two bigger guys over there?” Dean subtly pointed as the two bigger boned men sitting with this bleach blonde haired woman.

“Yep, Ronald Resnick and Tractor Angel. Their doctor is Dr. Eleanor Visyak.”

“Tractor Angel?” Dean asked realizing that Jody was staring intensely at him. “What?”

“You’re stalling. Eat, mister.” Jody remarked starting to use her Mom voice. “Everyone calls him that. Only three people actually know his name. Dr. Visyak, Dr. Barnes, and Dr. Masters. It’s a long complex story, but the summary is that he has been here longer than anyone else.”

Dean took a bite of his food and looked at the next table. “What about the next group?”

Jody looked over at where Dean had motioned. There sat a older man with a beard with a two younger women. One had longer light brown wavy hair and the other had medium length blonde hair. “That’s Dr. Bobby Singer. His patients are Bela Talbot and Lilith. They are anorexic; like you, but they got that way differently than you. Unlike you being a caring brother they did drugs to drop the weight.”

Dean slowly took another bite with a nodded from Jody. He looked at the next table and a familiar face popped into view. “I know that doctor…or at least that I know her daughter.”

“Who? Dr. Harvelle?” Jody pointing at Dean plate, like a Mom pointing at her kid to eat his vegetable.

“Yeah, I knew she was a doctor but I didn’t know what kind.” Dean said and took another bite almost gagging.

“Come on, Dean. Chew and swallow.” Jody nodded. Dean swallowed and took a shaky breath. He had only eaten maybe a fourth of his supper and they had been sitting there for half an hour. Jody was almost done with her meal. “Dr. Ellen Harvelle. Benny Lafitte and Charlie Bradberry. That’s a weird pairing.”

“How so?” Dean said playing with his food. Dean looked up and Jody’s eyes were on him. He brought the fork to his lips.

“Well, Charlie Bradberry is anorexic and Benny is Bulimic. They were admitted together. They can’t be separated. They don’t do anything kinky or sexual. They are just like soul mates. Dr. Masters and Barnes believe that they will comply better and actually try to heal if they are together.”

Dean took another gag worthy bite and swallowed painfully. His stomach felt tight and full to the brim. “And the last group?”

“Dr. Missouri Moseley. She treat Gadreel and Hannah. They are both anorexic because they are dancers. They like to call themselves Angels.”

Dean stared down at his food and pushed it away from his food, not even half way eaten. Jody pushed it back in front of Dean. “No, I’m done.”

“No, you have to eat.” Dean shook his head and wrapped his arms around his stomach. “Dean, you have taken 6 bites.”

“I-I can’t eat anymore. I will throw up.” Dean pushed the plate away only for it to be push towards him again.

“Eat.”

“No.”

“Dean…”

Dean clinched his fist and his jaw tight. “No.”

“Come on, Dean.” Dean closed his eyes and bent his head forward. “Dean, eat.”

Dean stood up abruptly flinging his chair backward. He threw the plate off the table then clinched his fist again. “Fuck this.”

Dean began to storm off when he saw to nurses walking towards him. Jody ran over to him. “Dean, if you don’t eat there will be consequences in the form of a feeding tube.”

“Leave me alone.” Dean ran off, only to be tackles by a nurse; Azazeal. He was dragged to his bed and was given the rest of his dinner through a tube inserted through his nose and into his stomach. He was also strapped down to his bed because of notes of his chart that he is known to rip them out.

The tube stayed in his nose even after the food was shoved down into his stomach. He began to pull on his restraints and yelled to let him go for an hours before clinching so hard with his fist that his palms began to bleed.

_That’s when they knocked him out into a dreamless dream until the morning._

***


	20. Wide Eyed and Ready

                  _ **DEAN POV**_ _  
_

“Ok, bud, it’s time to wake up and attempt to socialize with the land of the living.” He heard as he opened his eyes. Jody was standing by his bed. She lifted his hand, palm up. Dean lifted his head and looked at her. His hands were bandaged. “Sorry about last night. It had to be done. We are going to keep that feeding tube in your stomach until you can learn to eat.”

                  Dean pulled at his restraints and growled.

                 “Come on, Dean. I want you to be out with people.”

                 “No.” Dean rasped.

                 “Well, buck up buddy, ‘cause that’s what you are going to be doing.” Jody smirked. “Now, I’m gonna take the straps off but you better not pull out your feeding tube or I will strap you back down.”

                 Dean nodded and Jody undid the strap and he sat up. She rolled over a stand and put Dean’s breakfast into the stand. “Take that and I won’t start it until we get into the cafeteria.”

                 Dean stood and begrudgingly took the rolling pole and started walking out of the room with Jody behind him. He absent-mindedly walked towards the café. Jody pulled on Dean’s arms. “What?”

                 “Hold on a minute. I have to get my new patient.”

                 “A new patient?”

                 “You think we routinely roll empty gurney with nurses rushing in and out of a room daily. That only happens once a year, maybe. The last time we had so many nurse rush in with an emergency admission was with Charlie just hours after Benny was admitted. There was your entrance but that was different because you were conscious and were under control until you were admitted and Nurse Tran and Nurse Fitzgerald carried you out.”

                 “Who is the new patient?”

                 “You’ll have to meet him; that is if I can get him to come out of the room and off to breakfast. You see I have a case similar to Dr. Harvelle. You are anorexic and this new patient is bulimic.”

                 Dean nodded. “I’ll wait right here then.” Dean propped against the doorway of the room looking down each way of the hallway.

* * *

 

               _ **CAS POV**_

                “Alright buddy, time to get up, you don’t want to have bad start to your first day.” She said shaking his shoulder in to awake him from his deep dream. Castiel eyes fluttered open and close, eventually going back closed. He was in a blur.

                “No, no, no sugar. It’s time to get up, breakfast is ready for us.” She shook him one more time for him to open his eyes. As soon as his eyes were open they were wide, panic entering his state again. He looked around in a blur, breathing heavy again. “Whoa, it’s okay bucko!” She said touching his shoulder, making him scream quietly to himself.

                He looked from the window to the door until he saw it. Cas knew who that was; he could tell even with him turned completely around. His mouth turned a gasp and he jumped out of his bed, not saying word. He heard the woman behind him try to grab him but she failed.

                He saw his friend; he saw Dean. Dean tripped almost all the way over as Castiel practically tackled him. “Jody, I’m just—“

                Dean had begun to yell until he saw who was on him. “Cas?” He outburst as Jody looked at the 2 of them. Tears began to soak Dean’s shirt Castiel falling apart onto Dean.

                “Friendly guy?” Jody asked looking at Dean. Dean smiled for once and looked done at Cas, hugging him tight. He knew why Cas was fallen apart, he knew what had happened.

                Jody stood next to them. “Um, sorry to break this—party, but we got to be heading out for breakfast.” She said putting her hand on Dean’s shoulder, giving him a confused look.

                Dean walked with Castiel very closed to him; actually smiling knowing Castiel was there. “Well, Castiel, is that your name?” Jody asked turning to look at him. Castiel kind-of nodded to her looking up to Dean.

                “Dr. Master’s told me you weren’t one for talking, but I wasn’t expecting no talking at all.” She added holding the door open for both of them. They walked in Jody in the line first Castiel getting a smaller portion than her. Pancakes and hash browns were for breakfast that day.

                Dean was still at Cas’s side although he wasn’t getting anything. Castiel had one hand always on or close to Dean’s, he was broken now. He had lost himself fully.

                Castiel grabbed his food and walked behind Dr. Mills, sitting next to Dean. "So, do y'all already know each other or...?" Jody asked.

                Dean shrugged. “School.”

                Jody nodded. “Alright…School. You have a class together or something?” She questioned looking at the way Castiel would cuddle into him. “Yeah, all of them together actually.” Dean said, seeming he wanted to Jody to drop the subject.

                Castiel hadn’t touched his food yet, he was focused on Dean. “Cas, I know you um—missed your friend but you gotta eat to get out of here.” She pushed the food his way, waiting for Castiel to at least touch it. Castiel shook his head and looked up at Dean, closing his eyes. He was still shaking unless Dean would touch him.

                “Don’t make me separate you too.” Jody said getting into her mom voice. Dean held Castiel’s hand helping him up to his food. He grabbed his fork and did what any bulimic would do; he stuffed his face with the pancake.

                “Whoa! Slow down there partner!” She said grabbing his hand, causing him to go wide eyed. Castiel kept on eating and eating ignoring her talk. “Well okay, but when you have the worst stomach ache in an hour or so, don’t come crying to me. That’s not going to help your first day reputation with the doctors here. If you throw up once, they’ll be on you watching like hawk.”

                Castiel was ignoring her in all just to be done and to be with Dean. In the back of his head he thought he still could throw up his food after eating; little did he know, right?

                Jody sighed. She knew another long day was to come.


	21. This Place Isn’t as Bad as You Think

**_DEAN POV_ **

After breakfast Dean and Cas were able to have some free time before lunch. “Jody, can I get the tube out of nose and actually eat lunch?” Dean asked.

“Will you actually eat lunch and dinner?” She asked and Dean nodded. “Then go to your room and I’ll get Dr. Masters.”

“Can…can Cas be there when they remove it?”

Jody hesitated and looked over at the man at Dean’s side. “I’ll have to talk to Dr. Masters. You know how pretty getting that tube taking out is.”

“Please, Dr. Mills.” Dean said begging in his eyes.

“It’s not my choice. I will find you when Dr. Master thinks you can have it removed.” Jody said looking at Cas then back to Dean. “How about in the mean time you show Castiel around.”

Dean took Cas’s hand and walked them towards Dean’s room. “Cas, I need you to watch my door for me. I have to do something.”

Cas stopped and that pulled Dean backwards. “D-Dean. I-I-I have to go to the bathroom.” Cas whispered.

“Yeah, hold on one minute, Cas. I have to get this fucking tube out of my throat.” Dean walked into his room.

“D-Dean.” Cas followed behind. “Dean.”

Dean placed Cas in front of the him. “Stay there, Cas. Just for one moment.”

Cas stood stiff. Dean propped against the wall. He moved the tube from behind his ear and took off his the tape. He slowly began to pull out to the and began coughing. Cas flinched and looked at Dean who was doubling over with every cough.

There were rushed footsteps coming closer to Dean’s room. “Dean.” Cas whispered.

In two swift pulls Dean yanked the tube out of his throat. An alarm sounded, but Dean smashed the machine to the ground. “Come Cas. I’ll show you to the bathrooms.”

“Dean. I-I-It’s not that can of need of the bathroom.” Cas mumbled.

“There’s no way you’re doing that. We are being watch like hawk. If you do that and get caught they are never going to take their eyes off you.”

“N-No, Dean…I—need it.”

“That’s not gonna happen Cas.” Dean said walking with Cas to the day room. “There’s not much in here. There’s a TV and books. You’ll probably like the books.” Cas gave a hint of a smile. They sat down at a table and faced each other. Dean set his hands on the table. They were shaking slightly. Cas’s hand covered his. He looked up into Cas’s eyes. “I’m sorry I freaked you out by not being there the other morning.”

Cas nodded and his eyes flicked to Dean’s hands under his own. He heard a woman call out his name. “Dean Winchester.”

Dean closed his eyes and tried to hide from the voice. He felt Cas’s tighten over his hands. “Yes?”

A woman with dark, curly brown hair and a rounder face came walking towards him and Cas. “Mr. Winchester, I found your feeding tube destroyed and on the floor of your room. Do you wanted to explain to me why?”

“I needed it out there and then; no waiting for permission or another doctor to get it out when they feel it’s necessary. I needed it out.”

“You can’t do that Dean. You could have gotten seriously hurt. If I hadn’t decided to give you a second chance on eating on your own I would have had Nurse Azazeal and Nurse Tran drag you back to your room and have it insert it into your stomach by piercing a tube through your stomach.” Dr. Masters sternly voiced.

Dean tried to hide his face.

“I do not tolerate what you did very well, Dean.”

“I know.” Dean whispered.

“Good. Remember that.” Dr. Masters said softly. She looked over at Cas. “Good to see you up and about Mr. Novak.”

Cas nodded and his grip tighten around Dean’s hands. He relaxed once she walked off. Dean looked up at Cas. “Are you ok, Cas?”

Cas was quiet. He removed his hands from Dean’s and hid them under the table. “I-I really need to go to the bathroom.”

“Why, Cas?” Dean whispered.

“You know why.” Cas retorted softly.

Dean nodded. “Cas, they won’t let you do that.”

“N-no, m-my tummy hurts really bad.” Cas whimpered softly.

Dean nodded. “Come on, man. Let’s get you to the bathroom.” Dean rose to his feet with Cas.

They walked towards the bathroom and got stop right in front of the restroom door. “Mr. Winchester and Mr. Novak, can I ask you what you are doing?” Nurse Fitzgerald asked.

“I was just helping Castiel to the bathroom. He isn’t feeling well.”

“How about you stay out here, Mr. Winchester and I will be with Mr. Novak. We are under notice that Castiel has bulimia.”

“Well, he is about to get sick and I can’t leave him.”

Nurse Fitzgerald tried to pull a paling Cas away from Dean but no dice. Cas stepped away from Dean. He wrapped his arms around his stomach and doubled over and emptied his stomach onto the tile floor. He dropped to his knees and was shaking slightly. Dean fell down beside him and began to rub his back.

Cas had sneakily slid his fingers into his mouth a gagging up his more mostly digested food. “Whoa, whoa, whoa, Mr. Novak.” Nurse Fitzgerald dashed over and removed Cas’s hand from his mouth. “No, Mr. Novak. No, we are just trying to help you. This isn’t helping you.”

Dean helped Cas up. “Come on, man. Back to the day room?” Cas shook his head burying his face in Dean’s shirt. “My room?”

Cas nodded and they began to walk into the room. Dean laid Cas down on the bed and Cas curled up. Dean curled up around Cas until Cas was asleep. Dean got up and walked outside the room and sat down. He pulled his knees up and buried his face into his knees.

“Has everything set in finally?” Dean heard. He lifted his head slowly. A man was sitting beside him on one side a red hair woman on the other.

“Yeah, I guess.” Dean rasped.

“I knew it would have sooner or later.” The man said. “Honestly, this place isn’t as bad as you think.”

“Who are you?”

The man smiled. “I’m Benny Laffite and that’s Charlie Bradberry.”

“Dean Winchester.” Dean answered.

“Yeah. We know about you.” Charlie laughed.

“How? I came in yesterday.”

“You made a huge scene when you were admitted in here. I’ve never since Kevin and Garth struggle so much on a little nothing like you.” Benny smirked.

“Kevin and Garth”

“Nurse Tran and Fitzgerald.” Charlie answered. “You’re a jumpy little shrimp.”

“I barely remember any of that.”

“I bet, your voice sounded so panicked. I felt sorry for you.”

“So Jody told me you guys are a thing.”

They nodded. “Yeah, we got together way after we started our own old lifestyles.”

“How long have y’all been here?”

“Next week will be three months.” Benny answered. “We shouldn’t be here much longer. I have almost reached my weight requirement for discharge and Charlie is not too far behind.”

“What are you going to do when you get discharged?”

They went quiet. They stood up. “So where do you know the new patient from?”

“School.”

They nodded. “See you around, Dean.” Charlie waved as they walked off.

**_* &^%$#@#$%^&**&^%$_ **

Jody had come to gather Dean and Cas for lunch but Dean had informed her that Cas wasn’t feeling good so she let him keep sleeping and skip lunch.

For free time Dean spent hanging out with Benny and Charlie and getting to know the place better. When supper rolled around Dean walked into his room to find Cas waking up.

He walked over to Cas and whispered in his ear. “Come on, baby, it’s time for supper.”

They slowly walked to the cafeteria and grabbed their food. They sat down and Jody started speaking. “So Castiel, I heard what happened and that was what I was telling you about. You aren’t use to digesting food so eating too fast would cause you to get sick.”

Cas nodded and took a normal bite of his meal. Dean hadn’t taken any bites yet. He just pushed the food around.

“Eat, Dean.” Jody insisted. He took a small bite and swallowed. “I also heard that you, Dean, pulled out your feeding tube.”

Dean nodded and pushed more food around.

“Another bite, Dean.” Jody retorted. Dean complied. “Dr. Master gave you a talking, right?”

Dean nodded and pushed his plate away from him, only to get it push towards him.

“Eat, Dean.” Dean shook his head and hid his hands under the table. “Dean, you know what will happen if you don’t eat.”

“Jody, I can’t.” Dean blurted out.

“Well, you have to try.”

“I did.”

“You took two small bites. Eat more.”

Dean piled up a small amount of food into his fork and lifted it slightly. He paused for a moment. He looked at Cas then at Jody then to the fork and dropped the fork and flung the tray off the table and dashed out of the cafeteria. Cas followed behind him to stop him.

Nurse Azazeal was the first to get to Dean. Dean ended up clocking Azazeal right under his eye. After that Nurse Tran and Fitzgerald literally tackled him and dragged him away. Cas followed and watched as They strapped Dean to the bed and started the feeding tube.

Dean made the worst noises imaginable while they inserted the tub through his nose for the second time in two days. Dean pulled on his restraints to the point of almost hurting himself and panicking.

“No, no, no! Let me go!” Dean yelled.

“Calm down, Dean.” Nurse Ruby scolded.

“Let me go! Please! I’ll eat! I promise!” dean begged.

“You begged that last time.” Ruby retorted.

Dean yelled in anger and agony. “I hate you! I Hate everyone at this damn hell hole! There’s only one person here who understands me! Let me go!” Dean yelled pulling even harder on his restraints.

“Dr. Barnes, I’m starting a sedative.” Ruby talking into a hand held walky talky. She flicked a needle and stuck it in Dean’s arm.

“Stop! Don’t!” Dean yelled. He kept pulling on the cuffs until his body went completely limp and he was out cold.

_Guess early discharge was out._

***


	22. It Was Only A Glimmer

 As soon as Dean was out cold, Castiel was down, broken again. He fell to his knees and curled up on the ground crying. Nurse Tran ended up carrying him to bed where he laid.  

The next day when Jody woke up Cas he wasn’t answering her or moving an inch. She didn’t even know if he had slept that night from the redness in his eyes. Dean was still asleep as well.

The same types of things happened over the next week or so. They were giving Dean another try with the nose feeding tube, but he was warned if he did it again they’d be putting one in his stomach. Only Castiel knew that that scared him.

Castiel ate every day, although that was getting littler and littler. Jody almost made him get a feeding tube until he ate more. Castiel stopped trying; he was past broken if it was possible. He just wanted to sleep all day, or be with Dean. So every day Dean would act up, Cas would just do nothing. Dean was what kept him going.

Today was single therapy session, only the 4th one Castiel had gone to. Every single one was quite pointless to the doctor’s, Cas never talked.

“Well hello Castiel, how are you today?” Meg asked as Castiel sat down. He didn’t answer, he just sat there. “Do you want to talk, today, or am I going to do all the talking?”

Cas looked around at her office, it was nice. The wall was yellow and the paintings were very colorful. “Well Castiel, Jody has been telling me you’re not eating as much as you use to, you wanna tell me why?” She asked looking at his paper work. Cas shook his head at her question.

“It seems that whatever you do eat you seem to either accidentally throw up your food or on purpose. You wanna tell me why on that?” She said calmly, looking at him. Castiel shook his head looking down at his feet. “You understand the longer you’re not talking the longer you’ll be here, right?” Meg added on looking seriously at Cas.

He didn’t answer or do anything. His feet must have been the most interesting thing in the world. “I know you talk…I’ve seen you talk. I haven’t heard you, but you talk to Dean. What’s it gonna take for you to talk to me or even some other patient? It’s been almost 2 weeks, Cas.”

He looked up at her and then down at her desk. He picked up a piece of notebook paper and a pen from her table. She looked at him confused, but let him continue. He started drawing out a room the best he could, with little stick figures, with smiles on their faces.

Meg took the paper from him when he was done and studied it. It had 2 stick figures, in a room, holding hands, smiling. “Are you trying to say you want a room with…Dean?” She questioned looking at him in the eye. He nodded and began to get up. “Cas, we’re not done—“

He left the room. 

_**& ^%$#$*&^%$#@#$%&^%$#@** _

**_DEAN POV_ **

“Good morning, Dean.” Dr. Master said with a smiled. Dean slumped down into his chair. “How are you today?”

Dean glared at Dr. Masters. “There’s tube in my nose that leads down into my stomach.”

“Someone is a little feisty today.” Meg smirked. Dean huffed out a breath of air. “Look, Dean. If you would just eat on your own for breakfast lunch and dinner you wouldn’t have to have the tube.”

Dean’s head shot up when she said that. “I can’t eat all the food you give me. It’s too much. You wanna know the last time I actually had a full breakfast lunch and dinner?” Dean asked aggressively.

“When?” Meg crossed her arms over her chest and leaned back in her chair.

“It was a May 2nd. The day my little brother turned 6 months old.” Dean paused then cleared his throat. “It was the night that my mother died from some inhalation an 3rd degree burns. I was four years old. After that night my Dad fed me and him when he could. Sammy always came first. Making sure Sammy had his milk or baby food. When he got older Dad would make me and him share a meal. It was usually dinner we would share. When Sammy started growing I gave him my half so I would only have one meal a day. So I haven’t had three square meals a day in over 10 years.”

Meg nodded and wrote in her chart. “So I have noticed while doing my rounds that you spent a lot of time with Mr. Castiel Novak.”

“YOU CAN”T TAKE HIM AWAY FROM ME!” Dean blurted out.

“We aren’t going to take him away from you, Dean.” Meg replied quickly to calm Dean. “We are actually going to be doing the opposite. Castiel will be moving into your room. Dr. Barnes and Dr. Mills and I talk in between yours and Castiel’s sessions about this and decided that you two get better you are together and when separate you fall apart.”

“Can I go now?” Dean groaned.

“No.” Meg shook her head. “Dean, you aren’t getting any better.”

“What the hell are you talking about? I have been gaining weight ever since you insert this fucking feeding tube in my nose.”

“Yes, but _you_ haven’t been eating.”

“I already told you how I feel about that.” Dean growled.

“How about I make a deal with you.” Dr. Master peaked Dean’s interest. “How about we go on for two weeks or so and I will let you eat 2 of the 3 meals a days. That means you have to eat everything on your plate for those two meals. After two weeks we will start adding the third meal.”

Dean nodded. “Does that mean I can get this fucking tube out of my face?”

“Only if you will actually eat.”

“Then we do it now?” Dean stood.

“Mr. Winchester, you are not the doctor so you don’t tell me what to do. Demanding and snarky remarks are only make you hard to deal with. I do not tolerate your attitude.”

“But doctor it’s your job to tolerate me to get me healthy.” Dean snorted.

Meg shot out of her sit and planted her hands on her desk and glared at Dean. “There is only one reason you are still in _this_ recovery center, Mr. Winchester. Mr. Novak is the only reason Dr. Barnes and I haven’t transferred you to a better center. If you don’t shape up I will find other techniques to make you behave.” Dean tried to make himself smaller in the chair. “Do I make myself clear, Mr. Winchester?”

“Crystal.” Dean nodded.

“Good.” Meg walked around her desk. “Come with me to your room and we can get this tube out.”

Dean stood and began to walked behind Dr. Masters. _‘Come on, Dean. You’re acting like an idiot. Dr. Master is just done with you. You’re even a failure at healing.’_

After 15 minutes and slowly pulling out the feeding tube Dean was allowed to go to the day room where he saw Cas sitting at a table looking at the window. He smiled and walked over to the man. He sat down. “Hey Cas.”

The man flinched with panic in his eyes until he saw Dean where is instantly calm down. He half smiled.

“Look what I got out today.” Dean pointed at his nose.

Cas nodded.

“So, Dr. Master told me that you requested rooming with me.” Cas’s cheek grew red and he look away. “Hey, hey, don’t be embarrassed. I’m glad you want to room with me. I can’t sleep at night. If we room together…I’ll be able to look at something beautiful at night.”

Cas looked up at Dean and for once he had a genuine smile on his face and that made Dean light up. For once there was a glimmer of hope. A glimmer of hope that they would get better. But it was only a glimmer.

***


	23. Apologizes

 

                “Hello, I’m Doctor Masters, Castiel’s therapist.” Meg said shaking his Mother hand, looking around at Cas’s family. “Hello, Doctor Master’s, I’m Naomi, Cas’s mother; these are his siblings, this is Michael, Lucifer, Balthazar, Gabriel, and Anna.” She said pointing to all of them. Castiel sat and looked at his feet, not wanting to look into the eyes of anyone in that room.

                “Well hello to you all, which one of you is the closest to Castiel, if I may ask?” She questioned, getting right down to business. They were all quiet for a moment then all of fingers were pointed to Gabriel. Gabriel looked wide eyed everywhere. “Whoa, since when—“

                Michael elbowed him in the chest to shut up. Meg nodded and wrote something down on the papers in her lap. “Well, if any of you were wondering Castiel has been doing a bit better since he came in, although he still has a long way to go.”

                “What is he having problems with?” His Mother asked wide eyed. “Cas, do you want to tell them?” Meg said looking down at Cas who was still looking at his feet.

                The room was quiet. “Well, there’s the problem.” Meg laughed a bit to herself. “What he didn’t say anything…” Michael added with a confused face.

                “Exactly, Castiel hasn’t spoken a word since the moment he got here. He only talks to this one boy in here. I haven’t heard him speak once.” Meg spook calmly, glancing at Cas to see if he’d even look at her.

                Castiel turned his head to the window. ‘ _I wonder how Dean is doing…’_ He thought to himself. That’s all he cared about. “Castiel also has been having some problems digesting foods, but that is normal for someone with bulimia.”

                As soon as the word _bulimia_ came into view, the room went day silent. He was still _different._ Castiel started to frown and went back to looking at his feet. He took of his shoes, just because he hated shoes; his white socks covered his feet.

                “Anyway, I called you guys in here to a find little bit about his family life. Where is Castiel’s father, in all this?” Meg asked calmly as if it was an easy topic to talk about. “His Father is not available at the moment…” Naomi spook timidly not wanting to talk about her ex.

                “Where is he, if I may ask?”

                “He’s not in the picture anymore. Me and his Father divorced when he was 4…” She looked at Cas while talking. Castiel didn’t move an itch; he just stared down at the floor.

                “Has he ever seen his Father again? How did his Father like him?” Meg asked looking at his family. They all looked at each other knowing the truth was not an option to tell. They knew if their Mother said a word their Father would abuse her for the rest of her life.

                “He…” Naomi cleaned her throat, looking at youngest child. Castiel eyes met hers for once, his ocean blue eyes meeting hers as if he was saying ‘ _Please Mama…’_

                But, she couldn’t. “He hasn’t seen his Father ever since then…He probably doesn’t even remember Chuck. His relationship with his Father was fine. Me and Chuck divorced because of a fight, a long time ago.” She explained, hoping maybe Cas would forgive her. His eyes went back down to the floor, tears building in them.

                _‘She had a chance and she lied…’_ He thought to himself. He wanted to explode. He wanted no—needed Dean at that moment. He looked up at Meg, as she wrote the information down. Castiel felt a tear run down his cheek making him want to hide.

                He looked up at his Mother one more time; he could tell how sorry she was. “Well, how is his relationship with all his siblings? How about you all tell me how your relationship between him and you are?”

                Michael, of course, talked first. “Castiel and I’s relationship together is fine. I feel like a father to him. I make sure he’s doing the right thing. We don’t fight much, at all, none of us do.” He said elbowing Lucifer who he knew was going to ruin his speech.

                Castiel sighed. ‘ _No, no, no…it’s all lies!’_ He shouted in his head. “Yeah, he and I just fool around a lot.” Lucifer added, not being able to say much. Balthazar nodded, just as Anna. Gabriel began to talk. “Cas and I are I guess the closest. He used to go into my room in the middle of night. He got scared pretty easy.” Gabriel chuckled and began talking again. “He’d come get into my bed whenever Mom was at work and he’d tell me everything. He never was big on talking I guess. He liked talking to me and Mom, I knew that. As he got older he still didn’t talk so, I guess that’s just him. Cas and I used to do everything together…just—I guess something happened.”

                Meg nodded and wrote some more stuff on her paper. Castiel wiped his face just before she looked at him. “I have one more thing before Castiel has to go down for free time; Castiel has a very good relationship with this boy in here, his name is Dean. Do any of you know him?”

                They all shook their heads as Meg nodded and wrote it down on her sheet of paper. “Alright, it was nice to meet you all, you may go.” Meg said smiling shaking Naomi’s hand again as they all stood up. ‘ _I need Dean…’_ Cas thought to himself.

                “Come on, Dear, it’s time for free time.” Meg said tapping Cas’s shoulder as his family left the room. ‘ _No one even said bye…I need Dean…’_ He thought to himself.

                “Cas, come on, you gotta get up.” Meg said getting down to his level trying to look him in the eyes, only for him to turn the other way. He began to sit up and walk out of the room quickly. “Castiel, you know you can’t leave without someone watching you. Come back here, Dear!” Meg shouted rushing after him.

                ‘ _I need Dean…I need Dean…’_ Was what rushed through his mind as he walked blindly into to the cafeteria. “Come on Dean! Eat the rest of your food!” He heard Jody yelling, looking straight at Dean. Castiel walked closer until he saw Dean.

                Dean sat there staring at his plate, playing with food. He wasn’t eating a bite. Castiel walked closer to him until he was right at him, about to sit down next to him…and that’s when it hit him. _Literally._

Dean lifted his plate and glass cup and threw it harshly with all his strength right towards Castiel. The plate hit him smack in the face, and smashed on the floor a long with the glass cup. Castiel grabbed his face, losing his balance and falling backwards right onto the broken pieces.

                All was frozen. Dean turned his head seeing the mess he had made, only for Nurse Azazel to tackle him to the ground. “CAS!” Dean yelled. ‘ _I need Dean…I need Dean…’_ He thought, still racing through his mind as he began getting up with pieces of glass stabbing into him.

                His face was swelling and he was crying. Jody was running for his side. “Cas, don’t move! Stop!” She yelled walking as close as possible to him without stepping in the broken glass. He ignored, only thinking about Dean.

                Nurse Tran and Ruby were dragging Dean out of the room as Castiel began to sob. Jody soon was at Cas’s side as he sobbed. “Cas, get up, we got to check you out, come on.” She said trying to pick him up. Nurse Fitzgerald ran to his side up, pulling him up. Castiel sobbed. ‘ _I need Dean! I need Dean!’_ He thought to himself trying to get out of his grip.

                The next thing Cas knew he was looking at his feet in the struggle to get out of Nurse Fitzgerald. Blood was all over his sock and he did like he always did. 

He passed out.


	24. Until He was Blue in the Face

“Let me go!” Dean yelled.

“Oh no, you injured another patient all because of your anger.” Nurse Ruby remarked.

“LET ME GO!” Dean yelled whipping his head up at Ruby. She shook her head.

“I’m a lot stronger than I look, sweetheart.”

Dean thrashed his arms to get out of the nurses grip. He slung his body at walls and other people to get away. “Help here.” Nurse Tran yelled as he and Ruby held him down on the ground.

Nurse Blake ran over to them. “I have something to give him. It’s a muscle relaxer. It should help until you get him to his room.”

Within seconds Dean’s body is limp but he is conscious. They dragged him to his room. They strapped him down he tried to argue but it came out very slurred. Dr. Masters walked into Dean’s room fuming. “Start an anesthesia, now.”

Nurse Ruby covered Dean’s mouth and nose with a mask. He breathed in and with every breath he got sleepier. Soon he was out.

**_* &^%$#@!@#$%^&*&^%$#_ **

He woke up very fuzzy. All he knew was that his stomach was in a lot of pain. He opened his eyes and tried to move his arm but they were strapped down. He groaned and tilted his head back.

“We were forced to strapped you down.”

“I didn’t do anything.” Dean blurted out looking at the voice. Dr. Mills.

“What do you remember?” She asked with the face of disappointment.

Dean huffed out a breath of air. “Lunch. You were with me. Cas had finished eating an hour earlier and went to a family session or something. You started yelling at me and threating me. I threw the plate and next thing I know Tran and Ruby were on my ass. I was drugged then nothing.” Dean slurred.

“Castiel is in the infirmary.” Jody said softly.

Dean’s eyes went wide. “What happened? Did someone hurt him? I swear I will kill anyone who harms him!” Dean yelled jerking up and pulling on his restraints.

She stared at Dean. Dean went quiet. “You hurt him. The plate you threw hit him directly in the face.”

Dean stared at Jody. _‘You dumbass, Dean. You have finally done. You successfully hurt everyone you ever loved. You are broken, useless, worthless, piece of crap and you deserve **nothing.** Cas will never forgive you for what you have done. There is no getting better for you. You are going to have to deal with the fact that you hurt your best friend.’_

“Nurse Tran and Nurse Ruby dragged you out of the cafeteria. You were screaming; catatonic. Cas was sobbing on the ground with the floor building with his blood.” Jody said as her voice broke.

“I-I-I didn’t know.”

“Yes, you didn’t know but that doesn’t make up for the fact that Castiel is in the infirmary with a broken nose and a concussion all because you wouldn’t eat.” Jody snapped. “I have never in my 10 years of working here ever had a patient as hard headed as you.”

_‘You’re a lost cause, Dean. No one will ever be able to fix you. Why even try anymore? You hurt Cas. You are the reason he is in the infirmary of this God forsaken place. Even your doctor thinks you are hopeless. Cas will never love you. Just like your Dad. Just like Sammy. Hell, you even told Sam you hated him when Dad sent you here. That’s probably why they haven’t shown up. Probably why you haven’t had a family therapy session. Sammy doesn’t want to see you. John is trying to keep Kate and Adam away from you. You’re gonna die here.’_

“Let me see him, please.” Dean begged, sounding 10 times smaller.

Jody shook her head. “You’re not going anywhere. Dr. Master and Barnes don’t want you near the other patients. We don’t want anyone else getting hurt. Dr. Master already gave you a stomach feeding tube.”

Dean gripped his fist tight. “No, no, no, no.” he mumbled. “Please, Jody, let me see him. Please.” Dean begged.

“I will not allow it, Dean. Not after what I witnessed last night.” Jody stood when Dr. Master entered the room.

Dean closed his eyes and turned his head to the furthest point away from Dr. Masters. _‘Cas doesn’t want you. That’s why they are keeping you away from him. He hates you. You wouldn’t blame him. You did throw a plate at him. You amount to nothing in his eyes. Dr. Masters is probably telling you that they are transferring you away because that was the last straw.’_

“Mr. Winchester?” Meg spoke. Dean turned his head to the woman with teary eyes.

“I’m s-sorry.” Dean mumbled weakly.

“I know you are, sugar.” Meg said with anger under her breath. “Sorry, doesn’t fix broken noses.”

“I didn’t know. I’m sorry.” Dean blurted out.

“That’s right, you didn’t know. Because of that Castiel has a concussion, a broken nose, and stitches in his face.”

“Let me see him, please.” Dean whimpered.

“I won’t let you near that poor boy after see that.” Meg snapped.

_‘Here it comes, Dean. They are take you away. Probably states away from Cas. You will never see him again. He will be just a distance memory. You’re only good memory in this hell hall or any other place in your life. You destroyed everything, Dean. You are nothing. Everybody leaves you Dean. Mom, Dad, Sammy. Now you are leaving Cas. You deserve emptiness.’_

Tears dripped down Dean’s face. “Punch me, kick me, slap me, put me in a padded room but please down transfer me please. Please.” Dean whimpered.

_‘You’re a little girl, Dean. Begging and pleading to stay. You are not a true man. You are pathetic. Exactly what father thought you would be. Will amount to nothing. You’re already dead on the inside. There’s nothing to hope for, there’s nothing to dream for because you are dead. Or at least dead in Cas’s eyes, which is close enough.’_

“Give me one good reason why I should keep you here?” Meg demanded. “Give me one good reason I should even think about keep you here?”

Dean kept his eyes closed. _‘Don’t say it, Dean. You will regret it. Cas can’t know about this. Ever.’_

“Mr. Winchester, I don’t think you understand the severity of this situ—“

“I love him.” Dean blurted out. Meg went silent. “I love him. Words can’t describe how much I love Cas. He is the only thing I think about. He is my first thought in the morning and my last thought I night. I can’t sleep at night because I am alone at night. I just want to hold him in my arms. He’s scared. I love him. I would rather kill myself than hurt Castiel.”

Meg walked over close to Dean. She had a serious look on her face. “Well, he got hurt because of you. You hurt him.”

“I know! Just let me see him one last time. Let me speak with him one last time, please. That’s all I ask.”

Meg covered his mouth. “I’m not letting you anywhere near Mr. Novak until you are mentally stable. You have _one_ more chance to prove you good enough to stay here.”

Dean nodded and Meg walked out of the room for Nurse Ruby to walk in and sit by the door. Dean turned his head away from Ruby. Tears rolled down his face. “I’m sorry, Cas. I’m so sorry. I would never hurt you, baby. You know that. Please forgive me.” Dean mumbled to himself very softly.

The rest of day nurses walked in and checked on Dean. He had slept through his breakfast but Jody came in at around noon and started his feeding tube machine up. He couldn’t look Jody in the eyes. He royally fucked up and no amount of apologizing would forgive him.

It was a cycle. Nurse rolled around every ten minutes or so. Around 6 Jody came in for dinner. She told him that Cas was awake. He would be getting out of the infirmary in a few days. Dean didn’t care. It was all white noise in his head. All he wanted was Cas healthy and in his arms.

Dean cried himself to sleep that night. He had endless dream of Cas getting hurt and glaring at Dean with hatred in his eyes. He would apologize to him until he was blue in the face but the hatred only grew bigger.

_Dean had broken._

***


	25. Worry

                “Castiel! Wake up it’s just a dream! Wake up!” Meg said shaking him as he screamed in his sleep, tears falling out onto his cheek. He woke up, strapped to the bed which panicked him more. “Ssssh honey, you’re going to pull out a stitch. It’s all okay, you’re in the infirmary, nothings gonna hurt you.” Meg patted his hair back, he was growing a fever.

                Castiel looked around, eyes wide trying to get up from the straps. “Don’t worry Cas, I’ll undo these straps, they were so you didn’t pull out a stitch in your sleep.”

                Meg did as she said undoing the straps letting Castiel sit up. As soon as he sat up he instantly laid back down in pain. “Do you remember what happened, sweetie?” She asked looking at the stitches on his forehead.

                Cas nodded closing his eyes, trying to get up. He needed to see Dean, no one understood. “No sweetie, you have to stay in here for a couple of days…You’re pretty hurt, dear. You have a total of 34 stitches all around your body, a broken nose, and a concussion.”

                Castiel shook his head, he didn’t care. He started getting up, one foot hitting the floor, with a cry escaping his lips. “I told you Cas, you got stitches everywhere. You stepped in glass pretty deep with that foot, so you have some stitches there. Don’t walk on it.”

                Cas shook his head and try getting up again stepping on his foot, crying out. Meg tried pushing him back onto the bed but she wasn’t strong enough. “Nurse! Nurse!” She yelled out looking around as Cas kept walking and crying in pain getting to the door.

                Nurse Tran came running in picking up Cas making him scream. “I’m sorry Cas, you have to stay here.”

                ‘ _I need Dean…I need him…is he okay?’_ Cas thought to himself clawing at Nurse Tran. He got the straps put on him again. Castiel cried with his arms and legs strapped to the bed. Meg walked over to Cas and looked to see if he pulled out any stitches.

                “You’re lucky Cas, no stitches were pulled out.” She smiled and patted his head. “Doctor Master’s, his lunch is here.” Nurse Ruby said bringing out to him.

                Meg nodded and let her sit it on the table. “Castiel, if I undo your arm straps will you eat?” She asked looking at him. He nodded.

                She sat his food on the lap and undid her straps. “Now eat, Cas…” She demanded a little mad at him for trying to leave. Castiel played with the food on the plate, another tear running down his cheek. “Come on Cas, you can eat…Are you just in pain? Is that why?” She asked looking at him as he continued to play with his food, not eating a bite.

                Another tear fell from his eye. “I’ll give you a little more pain medicine, but I can’t give you much more.” She said giving him a shot of something to ease the pain. Castiel cried more, starting to hiccup. He didn’t care who was looking at him now. He just wanted to be with Dean. He was only happy with Dean.

                Castiel looked up at Meg, his eyes almost begging. She looked at him. “I know it hurts Castiel, but you gotta eat.” She sighed and felt bad. Castiel shook his head and let his fork fall off his plate. “No Cas, you gotta eat. What’s wrong?” She started to worry.

                Castiel broke into a sob, his hands in his face, not being able to help it. “Castiel!” She yelled shaking him.

                “I-I-I n-need hi-m!” Castiel yelled out to Meg. He didn’t even realize he had talked but he had to. He had to see Dean. Meg was wide eyed, looking at Cas. He had talked to her.

                “Who Cas?” She looked at him, feeling his head that was still warm. “D-Dean!” He yelled panicking, his breaths getting heavier.

                Meg set his food aside and looked at him. “You can’t see him sweetie, he hurt you.” Cas shook his head. “N-no! H-he’s—he’s t-t-the…” He was breathing heavier and heavier not being able to talk. “Cas stop talking, you’re going to hyperventilate!”

                “N-NO! I-I-I N-NEED D-DE-EAN!” He shouted sobbing panicking to himself. “Nurse Tran! Nurse Ruby!” Meg yelled out loud holding Castiel down. He just sobbed to himself as soon as they were in the room. He felt a pinch on his neck and his eyes close. Something was being put in his nose as he felt himself doze off into a dreamless sleep.

 

                He awoke the next morning with a feeding tube in his nose. He looked around the room and only a nurse was looking after him. He was shaking. His arms and legs where strapped again and he felt something in an area where he didn’t want to think was touched.

                “You’re up?” Nurse Ruby said laughing looking over at him. Cas nodded looking at the Nurse. “Well, know you’re not going anywhere anytime. She said. “Not even the bathroom, sweetheart.” She smirked looking at a bag under his bed. Castiel shook his head.

                “Yes, Cas. You’re not moving anywhere for awhile.”

                Castiel looked around and sighed. ‘ _I just wanted Dean…’_ He thought to himself, closing his eyes. His mind was set on Dean. He hoped Dean was okay. “Your buddy Dean is in some trouble too, so you’re not alone.” She added making Cas look up. He shook his head as if saying ‘ _no’._

                “You’ll see yourself soon enough…don’t worry.”

                And that is all Cas did. He worried.


	26. He's My Heroine

“Dean?” He heard. “Dean.”

He wasn’t listening. He didn’t care. It had been a week since he threw a plate at Cas’s head. He hadn’t really spoken much. Who could he talk to? Only nurses were in his room other than Jody or Dr. Masters.

He doesn’t have to worry about eating because he is just getting fed him from the tube in his stomach. He was only allowed to get up to go to the bathroom.

“Dean, have you been listening to me?” Jody asked.

“No…” Dean replied blankly.

“I said. It’s time for your therapy session with Dr. Masters.”

Dean pulled on his restraints as Jody started to undo them. He sat up and followed Jody blankly. Like a good little soldier. Dean had given up.

He sat down in front of Meg’s desk. “Good afternoon, Mr. Winchester.”

Dean nodded.

“How are you today?” Her hands shaking slightly.

Dean shrugged.

“Come on, Dean, speak to me.”

“There’s nothing to say.” Dean remarked.

“Sure there is, any little thing can be a step in recovery.”

Dean straightened up. “I woke up, peed, had food put into my belly, sat around, then more food was put in my belly, now I’m here.”

“What if I told you we would let you out of your restraints and actually socialize?”

“I’ll tell you, you are a load of crap.” Dean deadpanned.

“Why would you say that?”

“You won’t let me see Cas.” Dean retorted almost immediately after.

“You threw a plate at his head.” She remarked.

Dean stood abruptly and planted his hands on the desk. “You wanna know what really happened? I just threw a plate. I didn’t even know Cas was there. I was being threatened and yelled at to eat when I was so full I could have thrown up.”

“You shouldn’t have thrown the plate.”

“Dr. Mills shouldn’t have been so aggressive.”

“We are just trying to help you get better …”

“Help? You call getting in people’s face help? I call it being my father.” Dean stepped back. Meg was confused. Dean pulled off his shirt and turned around revealing angled white lines going in different directions all along his back. “That’s what my Dad did in one night. He was drunk. I didn’t make the meal he wanted for supper that night. He made me peel off my shirt and he whipped me exactly 34 times on the back in front of my little brother who was 4 at the time.”

Dean stared at her. “Mr. Winchester, I had no idea—“

“No, you didn’t. Now you understand why I don’t take kindly to the way you have been treating me.”

He sat back down in his chair. Meg was surprised. “No big storm out.”

Dean leaned in forward. “I need to see Cas.”

“I can’t let you.”

“You don’t understand. I _need_ to see him. He is my heroine. I can’t sleep without him.”

“What makes him so important to you, Dean? Why should I bend the rules for you and this one man?”

“I—love—him.” Dean blurted out.

“I know, you have told me. Castiel seeing you helps him, but you seeing Cas hurts him and doesn’t help you.”

“I don’t care! I need him! I have to see him.” Dean stood.

“Seat down, Mr. Winchester. We aren’t done here.”

“I’m done talking to you. I have to see Cas.”

“Mr. Winchester, you have to see that Castiel is hurt because you hurt him. That gives me every right to keep you away from him.”

“I didn’t mean to hit him! I just threw the damn plate because I was done eating and nobody was listening to me.”

“We aren’t inclined to listen to I’m stuffed.”

“I need to see Cas! I need to tell him I’m sorry. Once I speak with him just this once you can keep me away from him. Hell you can even transfer me. I just have to see him!”

“We aren’t going to transfer you, Dean.” Meg said softer.

“Well, I can’t say here when I can’t see him.” Dean started walking towards the door.

Meg stood and walked around the desk. “Dean, if you walk out that door and towards the infirmary we will stop you.”

“Then stop me because nothing is going to get in my way to see him.” Dean opened the door and started running down the halls.

“Mr. Winchester!” Meg yelled through the doorway.

Dean took a sharp right down the hall that had an arrow said infirmary. He slammed through the door that was marked infirmary. He searched through the empty bed before finding at the end of he room was one patient; Cas.

“Cas?” Dean half yelled half asked.

There was no nurses there at the moment. He took a chance that would probably get him kicked out or even transferred. He locked the one entrance into the infirmary and shoved a chair under the doorknob.

“Cas! Are you here, baby?” Dean spoke rushing to the one bed occupying a patient.

“Dean?”

Dean rushed over to the bed. “I’m here, Cas. I’m here.”

“H-How are you here?” Cas asked.

“I’m a stubborn bastard.” Dean smiled sitting on the bed.

“They wouldn’t let me see you.” Cas remarked.

“They wouldn’t let me see you, either.” Dean leaned in closer. Cas cupped Dean’s jaw. “I missed you, Cas. I haven’t slept in days. I am so sorry I did this to you.”

Cas nodded. “I missed you too.”

“I need you, buddy. I can’t sleep, I can’t think, and can’t eat without you.” Dean leaned in and kissed Cas’s neck.

Dean’s lips gently grazed over Cas’s lips. “I have been waiting for this for weeks.” Dean moaned under his breath.

“Mmm—hmm.” Cas moaned running his hands through Dean’s hair.

Cas played with Dean’s shirt hem. “Come on, baby. Let’s get you out of those restricting clothes.” Dean pulled Cas’s shirt off only to see him wince. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Dean whispered. “I can’t stop hurting you, Cas. I’m sorry.”

Cas shook his head. “I-I’m ok, Dean.” Cas sat up and Dean lowered himself down on Cas’s lap. Dean connected his lips with Cas’s. He ran his fingers down Cas’s back. He felt the wound on Cas’s back from last time. It was healed and scarred. Guilt only bubbled up in Dean’s stomach. Cas pulled Dean’s shirt off revealing the object pocking out of Dean’s stomach.

The actual tube wasn’t in there right at the moment. It was only the beginning of the tube. The other part had to be connected during meal times. A lid cover the end sticking out, but it was still not pretty to look at.

Dean caught Cas staring. He closed his eyes as he felt Cas’s fingertips graze around the entrance. “Cas…”

Cas leaned forward forcing Dean to lean back. Cas pressing his lips against the tube. It was a simple, gentle kiss. Just like a mother kissing a little kid cut to make it better. He looked up at Dean. “Dean, I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s not your fault, Cas.” Dean mumbled lifted Cas’s head. “Don’t look at that.”

Cas pushed Dean of him. He straddled Dean’s waist and traced a circle around the tube on Dean’s stomach. Cas pulled Dean’s pants and boxers down past his knees. Dean started to pull off Cas’s pants when Cas finished the job.

Dean was sporting a massive hard on and Cas had blood rushing in that direction as well. Cas took Dean’s hands and began to suck on Dean’s fingers.

Once Dean’s finger were nice and wet he found his way to Cas’s perfect ass. He squeezed on finger inside and Cas let out a loud moan. Dean slammed his lips into Cas’s. That’s when they heard knocks on the door to the infirmary. Dean heard his name being yelled on the other side.

Dean squeezed the second and third finger inside Cas shortly after one another. Cas was moaning words of gibberish of pleasure. It was like he was in a different world. He looked beautiful. For once since Dean met the guy he looked relaxed and enchanted. It was a Cas that Dean had only seen one other time. It was their first time before Dean hurt him…again.

“You ready, baby?” Dean said with a deep, lewd voice. Cas nodded with massive amount of pleasure in his eyes. Cas rocked back on Dean’s fingers. “Hold on, baby.” Dean pulled his fingers out then replaced it with his rock hard cock.

Dean rolled his hips, plunging his dick into Cas’ prostate. Cas moaned audibly into Dean’s neck. Cas’s looked into Dean’s eyes. Cas’s pupils were blown. “You’re so beautiful, Cas.”

“I love you, Dean.” Cas gasped as Dean thursted into Cas’s prostate again. “I-I gotta…

“Come for me, baby.” Dean moaned hitting his climax. “Come for me.”

Cas slammed his lips against Dean’s and he came hard on both his and Dean’s chest which cause Dean to fill up Cas’s insides. “Cas…I love you too.”

“Dean…” Cas moaned collapsed beside Dean, boneless. “That—that was amazing.” Cas breathed.

Dean turned his head and pecked Cas’s lips. “You are amazing.”

They were silence. That’s when they heard the people banging on the door. The facilities janitors took the door off it’s hinges and Dr. Master and Barnes ran in with Jody and four nurse in tow. Dean and Cas scrambled to get their clothes back on. Nurse Tran and Azazel pulled Dean off Cas’s bed. “Time to go, Mr. Winchester.”

“No. I didn’t do anything.”

“I would beg to differ, Mr. Winchester.” Dr. Master asked walking over to Cas. “Castiel, are you ok?”

Cas stared at her with fearful eyes.

“Pam take Dean to the unit where we hold difficult patients.” Meg said over her shoulder. “Castiel are you ok?”

Jody walked over to Cas. “No! You can’t take me away! Don’t take me! Please!” Dean yelled as Nurse Tran and Azazel dragged him out of the room.

“NO! STOP! DEAN!” Dean heard Cas yell.

Dean struggled to get away only to have Nurse Ruby to stick him with another batch of muscle relaxers. He went limp and could only watch as he was being dragged to part of the recovery center he had never seen. They set him in this room with padded walls.

Dr. Barnes came in a crouched down beside Dean’s bed. “Ok, Dean, we are going to keep you in here for a few days to help you mentally then check your mental status then get you back with the others. Dr. Mills will have to tell us when you and Cas can be near each other. We have to get through to Cas to actually know what happened just now. Hang tight, kiddo.”

Dean looked up at the ceiling and tears flooded ran down his face as Dr. Barnes left. No one believed him. They thought Dean was hurting Cas just then, probably raping him.

That’s just great. Padded room, possible _rape_ , even more possible transfer. Things couldn’t possibly get any worse. Oh wait, Cas is probably having a _breakdown_ and Dean _wasn’t_ there.

***


	27. Infirmary's Most Popular Patient

_‘Pam take Dean to the unit where we hold difficult patients.’_ Echoed in Castiel’s brain. ‘ _No! You can’t take me away! Don’t take me! Please!’_ He remember Dean yelling, he knew he had to stop it.

                **_So he yelled._**

                “NO! STOP! DEAN!” Castiel screamed getting out of the bed, rushing out to get him only to be pulled back by Jody and Meg.

                He ran in place, his feet skimming over the floor as Jody and Meg tugged him back on. “NO! LET ME GO!” Castiel yelled at the top of his lungs, fighting his hardest to get out of their grip. “Castiel, don’t act up, don’t worry he is gone.” Jody calmly said, stroking his hair back as Meg strap his arms in again.

                “NO! LET ME GO!” Castiel yelled, digging his nail into his palm trying his hardest to get on strapped. “No Cas, let go of your palm…”

                “NO! I HATE ALL OF YOU! LEAVE ME ALONE AND LET ME GO!” Castiel sobbed his voice straining as he yelled.  “Castiel, calm down!” Meg shouted shaking a bit from the drama.

                “NO! I CAN’T! NO!” He begged out loud as Meg finally got his feet strap as well. He saw Nurse Fitzgerald walking over to him with a needle. “I’m sorry, buddy.” He said calmly as felt a sharp pinch on his neck again.

                He was out cold.

 

* * *

 

                The next week Cas was sent back to his old room, where he slept all day. They would come by and try to feed him; he’d eat and puke it all up later on, as if he couldn’t digest at all anymore. Although doctors knew he would soon enough.

                He’d never get out of bed unless to go to the bathroom. But every-time Jody would come to get him for food; he’d just sit there and not say a word. All he wanted was Dean. He loved him.

                “Castiel…It’s Meg, I came to check up on you.” She said going and sitting on the edge of the bed. Castiel saw her face and turned around the other way, closing his eyes. “I needed to talk to you about what happened last week; the police need to know…” She said quietly hoping he’d answer.

                He sat up slowly, looking her straight in the eyes. “P-police?” He questioned quietly. Meg nodded her head. “It was needed Dean was hurting you.” She said smiling, as if it was true. “But don’t worry, he is gone now…”

                _‘Dean was hurting you…’_ The words rang like a bell at midnight in his brain. “H-he didn’t hu-hurt me.” Castiel spook quietly. Meg shook her head. “I know it’s hard to admit sweetie, I know.”

                “H-he didn’t hurt me!” Cas began to yell crossing his arms over his chest as if he was cold. “Then what was he doing in that room that day?”

                Castiel looked down at his bed and back up at her. “He loves me…” He whispered. “What Castiel?”

                “I said…He loves me.” He stared Meg in the eyes as he dug his finger nails into his arms. “Cas, he is just looking for something to hang on too. You can’t believe—“

                “He loves me!” Castiel shouted getting out of his bed to get closer to her. “You…You don’t know any—anything!” He shouted. “Castiel calm down…I understand.”

                “No—no you don’t! W-where is h-he?!” Castiel shouted. Meg shook her head. “No Cas, we’re not doing this, you’re not going anywhere.”

                Castiel shook his head. “WHERE IS HE?!” His breathing was heavy again eyes were turning red from tears. Meg shut the door, starting to call for a nurse. “Castiel, if you don’t calm down soon we’ll have to strap you in again and make you go to sleep.”

                Castiel walked aggressively over to the door where Meg stood. “No Cas, you’re not leaving.” She shouted shaking, not used to Cas talking or being o aggressive. “T-tell me where he is!” Castiel shouted, staring at Meg.

                Castiel pushed through her, ramming himself into the hard door. He fell to the ground in tears. “Cas, why do you want this boy so much?”

                Castiel looked her straight in the eyes and began to talk. “He’s all I have! He is the only person to ever l-love me; to be my f-friend…” Castiel fell apart all in one sentence. Meg didn’t understand but as soon as she opened her mouth to ask question, Nurse Ruby was in the room.

                “Dr. Masters…” She spook softly. Meg looked up with worry on her face. “What is it?”

                “Dean Winchester, he actually eating on his own and behaving. It’s been a week…he wants permission out.” She said only to be pushed over by Castiel as he ran out the door. “Nurse Azazel!” She called out seeing him on the other side of the hall who tackled Castiel to the ground. Castiel pushed himself into a wall trying to get out of grip only to hear a loud pop in his wrist, with a terrible amount of pain rushing through his body.

                “Oh my God!” Azazel yelled dropping Cas on the ground as he grabbed his wrist in pain, feeling a bump sticking out.

                The pain overwhelmed him and as he tried to look down there was more blood, making him once again pass out. The last thing he heard was feet rushing over his way with Nurse yelling out “He broke his wrist, how the fuck did he break his wrist! He just got out of the infirmary!" 

                Castiel smiled a bit in his sleep. At least the pain of losing Dean was gone...            


	28. Dean, Focus

_‘Hang tight kiddo. That’s all they have to say to you, Dean. They can’t wait to get you out of this place.’_ Dean thought as he slowly regained consciousness to only realize then is someone close to him at his temporary bed in the padded room.

He opened his eyes and Nurse Ruby came into view. “Good morning, Dean. Don’t mind me.”

He looked down at himself and noticed he was wearing different clothes. He could tell by the softer fabric this was not his white tee he was wearing. He sat up and saw that he was wearing a light pastel green pair of hospital pants when he swore he was wearing light blue. “Wha—“

Ruby smirked. “Are you about to ask about the clothes?”

Dean slowly nodded. His head was foggy and he moved much slower than before when he wasn’t drugged.

“The muscle relaxers I gave you caused your bladder to relax and it emptied while you were unconscious. Nothing to be embarrassed about. I got you all cleaned up, nice and pretty for when you woke up.”

“Thanks.” Dean mumbled looking around the room. Nothing much to look at.

“No problem, sugar. Just a heads up, you slept through breakfast and lunch is in about 10 minutes.”

“’M not hungry.”

“Too bad, Dr. Masters told me to call Dr. Mills when you woke to they can start feeding.” Nurse Ruby said as she walked out of the room and closed the door.

Dean curled up in the little cot and stared at the wall softly singing ‘You Shook Me All Night Long.’ By AC/DC.

 _‘She's one of a kind she's just mine all mine. Wanted no applause it's just another course’_ Dean barely audible sang to himself thinking of nothing but the amazing sex he had had with Cas before they dragged him away.

He head the door gently creak open. Dean slight shifted to be able to see the person; Jody. “Good morning, sleepy head.”

Dean avoided eye contact with his doctor.

“Come on, buddy. If you’re going to be a pouter, pout on your other side so I can start your lunch.”

Dean laid down on his back and lifted his shirt to let Jody put the tube in.

Dean laid down and watched the machine do its job. About half way through the bag of mush that Jody called food, Dean started to fill weird. “Jody, can we stop the machine?”

“No can do, Dean. You have to finish the bag. We let you sleep through breakfast, we aren’t going to half ass your way through lunch.”

“Please, Jody. I don’t like this feeling in my stomach.”

“You’re almost done with the meal.” Jody answered.

Dean groaned and held his stomach. He stayed like that for 10 minutes when the machine beep alerting them that it was done. Jody turned off the machine and unhooked it from Dean. “Dr. Masters will be in here in an hour or so. The bathroom is right there and you are free to walk around the room. I’ll be back to check on you in a few hours.”

She left and Dean curled in on himself in an attempt to stop his stomach turning.

Jody hadn’t been gone long before Dean’s stomach gave a violent lurch, forcing Dean to sit up in his bed. Seconds later that same violent lurch in his stomach crash into him. Dena scrambled to get off the bed but he plants his feet firmly on the ground and doubled over and emptied everything in his stomach violently.

Two nurses ran into his room. Once stood ready to start cleaning the floor when he was done the other rubbed his back. When he was done he looked at them with embarrassment on his cheeks. “sorry.” Dean mumbled.

“It’s ok, darling. These things happen.” The first nurse replied. She had a calmly smile. Her name tag spelled out Blake.

“Puke is a natural response for your body to get rid of things that are bad.” The second nurse added. She had a calmly voice and a gently touch. Her name tag wrote out Robinson.

“’M sorry. I messed up the floor. Couldn’t reach the toilet in time.” Dean mumbled.

“It’s ok, sweetie. Nurse Sarah Blake right here will clean the floor right up and I will find you some new pants to wear.”

Dean nodded and opened his mouth as If he was going to say something but he refrained.

“I’m Nurse Robinson, but you can call me Cassie, and that’s Nurse Blake but you can call her Sarah. We work down here in solitary confinement normally but sometimes we work for the harder to handle patients, like you.” Cassie said while pulling out a new pair of green hospital pants and handing them to Dean

Dean quietly put on the new pants and noticed Cassie smiling at him. “What?”

“Nothing. It’s just if you are this calm and collected you won’t be here long.” Sara finished up clean end they left leaving Dean to get lost in his thought until Dr. Masters appeared.

“Good afternoon, Dean.” She smiled.

Dean looked at her.

“Not chatty today?” She asked as he shook his head. “How are you today?”

“How’s Cas?” Dean spat back.

“We’re talking about you, Dean. How are you?”

“I don’t care about me, I care about Cas.”

“Not caring about yourself got you in here in the first place.” Med retorted.

“You’re avoiding the question. Cas is still hurt.” Dean blurted out.

“Cas is out of the infirmary and resting.”

“I need him.” Dean rushed.

“Definitely no.” Meg remarked.

“I have to see him.”

“Dean, we are here to talk about you. Tell me about your father. How many times did he beat you?”

“Cas is probably freaking out. I heard him as you dragged me out.”

“Did John ever abuse Sam?”

“He’s probably a mess. I love him.”

“Dean, focus.”

“Cas panics with everyone, but me. It’s strange to watch him not talk like this. He’s not mute, but it’s like he only talks when necessary around people he doesn’t deem worthy. Which brings me to the fact of why he even talks to me. I’m worthless. I like to think it’s because ewe are different but the same in ways that tie us together and keep us human.”

Dean was gone. He was in his own world talking aloud to anyone listening. He didn’t know how long he talked until he blinked and Ruby was smiling at him sitting in a chair cross legged in front of him. Dean was confused. Seconds ago he was building up an agreement with Meg and now his throat was sore and his mouth was dry and Dr. Master’s was gone.

“Dr. Masters think you kinda went on a brain lock down. Like it could have only handled so much at that one moment so it freeze and locked down. You have been talking for hours. I mean hours. It’s 7 in the evening now.”

“I missed dinner?”

“Nope, Jody came in once Meg had enough and stayed until dinner and got fed up but she couldn’t get through to you. Once you meal was done she was done with you for the night. I came in because I heard Cassie saying something about what you were saying was the cutest things ever.” Ruby paused. “I have been sitting here for an hour listening to you talk about Castiel and if I have learned one thing…it is that you love that man.”

Dean didn’t know what to say. He just nodded. He brought his hands to his face and sighed. He turned over on his side and fell asleep.

He woke up that morning with the machine running and the tube already in his stomach. He groaned and opened his eyes. Ruby was still there. She was working the machine. “Good morning.” He rasped.

“It’s good to see you awake, Dean. You were having a bad nightmare last night.” Ruby smiled.

“You stayed all night?”

“No.” She smirked. “I did my rounds then checked on you every now and again and around 3 in the morning you were tossing and turning in your sleep. I came in and you were mumbling gibberish.”

The machine beeped. Dean nodded.

“Me or another nurse will be back later to give your lunch.” Ruby stood.

Dean sat up and for a while paced around the room singing different songs to himself. One song to seemed to repeat over and over after an hour of trying find a song.

_‘Beth, I hear you callin'. But I can't come home right now. Me and the boys are playin'. And we just can't find the sound.’_

One slow lap around the room.

_‘Just a few more hours. And I'll be right home to you. I think I hear them callin'. Oh, Beth what can I do. Beth what can I do.’_

Another slow lap around the room.

 _‘You say you feel so empty. That our house just ain't a home. And I'm always somewhere else. And you're always there alone. Just a few more hours. And I'll be right home to you. I think I hear them callin'_. _Oh, Beth what can I do. Beth what can I do.’_

Two more laps around the room.

_‘Beth, I know you're lonely. And I hope you'll be alright. 'Cause me and the boys will be playin'. All night.’_

Four hours. He sang that song for four hours. He even hummed it while Nurse Tran, Kevin started the machine for lunch. “Alright, Dean. Someone will be back to give you dinner.”

“Can I actually eat dinner?”

Kevin nodded. “Sure.”

It was like that for two days. He eat, he sang, he ate, he sang, he ate dinner, sang then went to sleep with the words of Beth by Kiss on his tongue.

It was a routine until the third day of his quote unquote insanity in the padded room. He had just finished eating, actually eating, his lunch when Dr. Masters came in.

“Good morning, Mr. Winchester.”

Dean was walking around the room. _‘You say you feel so empty. That our house just ain't a home…’_

“Beth by Kiss?”

Dean nodded not looking at the Meg.

“I’ve been told you are eating.”

Dean nodded and kept singing.

“You should be here much longer.” Meg smiled.

 _‘Oh, Beth what can I do. Beth what can I do.’_ Dean sang quietly.

Dean had the stomach tube removed the next day. He just hummed and sang the same song for the rest of the week and no one told him to stop. Ruby was the one who sat with Dean when he slept. On the seven day Dean stopped singing. It wasn’t until after lunch that Dean talked to Ruby.

“Ruby?”

“Yes,”

“Can I get out of here soon?”

Ruby didn’t speak for a moment. “I will have to talk to Dr. Masters.”

“Please, can you go now.” Dean begged like a small child.

“I will, hold tight, sweetie.” Ruby walked out of the room.

Dean nodded and laid back on the bed and waited. He waited and waited. It wasn’t until dinner that he knew something was wrong. Something was really wrong.

                                                                                ***


	29. Happiness

 

                “Castiel buddy, wake up, it’s time for breakfast.” Jody said shaking his shoulder. His eyes fluttered opened. He was in a new place. Not the infirmary, not his old room, but a new one. He had been in there once before.

                He moved his arm and realized it was heavy. He looked down and saw a white cast going from the tip of his thumb to the halfway point on his arm. “What—what happened?” Castiel asked still looking around. “And where am I?”

                Jody smiled. “You broke your wrist, Cas. You slammed yourself against a wall, I guess your wrist wasn’t in a good spot. Now, for where you are; you are in Mr. Winchester’s room. Dr. Master’s decided sense you guys got into less trouble together, that we couldn’t let you guys stay apart. So, you got what you wanted Castiel, your room is his room too.”

                Castiel half-smiled and opened his mouth to speak only to get his question answered. “Yes, Dean is out. He is in the cafeteria with Nurse Ruby. Now come on, you need breakfast too.” She said patting his leg letting Cas get out.

                Castiel nodded and ran out of the bed, rushing with Jody to the cafeteria to see Dean. He needed to see Dean. They entered the room and Cas saw him, and rushed over to him. Although he thought he was close to him in reality he was pretty far back. The flashback of a plate hitting him the face was hard to deal with at a time like this.  

                Castiel stood there smiling, looking at Dean. If only Dean knew how much Cas loved him. Dean saw his smiling face and instantly was up and out of his seat. “Cas!” He joyfully yelled, hugging him tight. Castiel held on close and looked up at him.

                “Dean!” He grinned looking up into the apple green eyes. It was the happiest moment Castiel could remember other than having sex with him. Soon the green eyes closed and so did the blue. Their lips met with a crash. It seemed that it was just them in the room in Castiel’s eyes.

                Castiel opened his eyes to Dean smiling and a room full of clapping. He looked around. Nurse Ruby was clapping first and then many of others joined in. Castiel smiled and held Dean’s hand as they walked over to get food and back to the table where now Jody was sitting.

                “You guys seem happy for once.” Jody smirked, biting at her breakfast as they did. Castiel nodded, going back into his shy state. Dean was still holding Cas’s hand; the one that was not broken. Jody looked at them.

                Dean ate all his food that day without getting yelled at, and Castiel didn’t even try to do any puking on purpose, although he did puke only a little in the trash can. They went on that day, at free-time, at group therapy, at dinner; they were always together.

                It was finally time to go to bed and Cas and Dean had the room together. Of course they had separate beds, but they didn’t care. They were together. Nothing could take them away from each other now.

                Castiel was on his bed, closing his eyes when Dean speaks to him. “C-Cas?” He whispers.

                “Yes Dean?” He asks opening his eyes back up seeing Dean in his bed lying on his side. “Can you come here?” He asked.

                Cas nodded. He got up and sat at the end of Dean’s bed, looking at him. “No baby, come here. Lay down with me…” He whispered patting his shoulder. Castiel nodded and laid down awkwardly beside Dean.

                Dean kissed his lips. “I missed you.” He said. Cas nodded. “I missed you too.” Cas kissed him back on the lips, with passion this time. Dean cupped Cas’s jaw in his hand and kissed him over and over. “We’re gonna leave this place baby,” He stated kissing his pink lips over and over again. “We’ll run away together…We’ll let no one stop us.” Castiel kissed his temple and looked at his eyes.

                “That’s exactly what I want Dean.” Castiel said smiling and locking his lips with Dean’s. Dean nodded. Dean rolled over and got on top of his lover, kissing and rubbing his neck.

                Castiel pulled Dean’s shirt up with ease as Dean pulled at his. Castiel laid them on the ground and fixed the pillow under him for comfort. Dean slid everything else off him, his hardened one popping out, catching Cas’s eye. Castiel slowly pulled his all the way off and rolled over on his stomach.

                Dean kissed and teased at Cas’s back making it red and wet. Using his own spit he licked his fingers and began to finger Castiel, starting off this time with 2 fingers.

                Castiel moaned out loud, muffled in the pillow. Dean kissed his back, adding another finger. The finger slid in his tight hole, stretching it and making it larger. “You ready baby?” Dean asked sucking at Cas’s neck making him bite down on the pillow. Castiel nodded eyes full of lust and love.

                “You wanna licks my fingers...?” Dean asked with a dark, sexually, sound in his voice. Castiel didn’t even answer, his lips were on Dean’s finger’s within seconds. Once they were fully wet he slid all over his cock and slid it inside Cas.

                Castiel moaned and moaned. “D-Dean!” He shouted grabbing at the pillow, thrusting himself with Dean. Dean hit his prostate over and over. “I—I’m gonna!” Castiel groaned as his cum got all over the bed as he grabbed himself, letting it all come out.

                Dean soon followed, hitting his own climax. His cum filled Cas making him feel like Dean was part of him. Dean slid out soon after and got beside Cas in the tiny, tiny bed.

                “I love you Cas.” He whispered and kissed his swollen lips. Castiel smiled and kissed him back. “I love you too Dean.” Dean wrapped his arm around Cas as he tried to get up.

                “Dean, they can’t find us like this…they’ll kick me out again…” Castiel whispered. Dean shook his head. “If they do, I’ll find for you again Cas. If I’m getting out of here, I’m getting out of here with you.”

                Castiel nodded and relaxed into Dean. “Okay Dean…I trust you.” He said kissing him, snuggling into him. They went to sleep with smiles on their faces for once.

_Who know Dean was a spooner._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter will be posted in a week. Me (MCRgurl) and Bringmesomepie will be be on vacation for a week will not have our laptop's with us. We will have the chapter's written but, we can't post them so please wait. Sorry for the problem! More chapters to come! 
> 
> Have a nice week! ~MCRgurl


	30. He is More Important

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are back! YaY! We had a little week long vacation to San Fran, CA with our family (*whispers* we are sisters.) During this said vacation me (bringmesomepie) and MCRgurl managed to keep writing and will be having a landslide of chapters coming up in the near future and you will feels your hearts out :D

**_1 MONTH LATER…_ **

Dean jogged in front of Cas that morning. He had to get to the dinner line before Cas. “Good evening, Madison.” Dean beamed.

“Hello again, Dean. Had to beat Cas?” She asked handing him his dinner tray.

“Yeah, can I have Cas’s tray too?”

She smiled and handed the second man’s tray to Dean. “You two guys always make me smile. Finding a little bit of gold in this darker situation.”

He smiled and walked to the table leaving Cas utterly confused and staggering towards Dean.

“D-Dean? Madison said someone already got me food.” Cas said slightly panicked.

“It’s alright, Cas. I grabbed it for you.” Dean set the tray in front of Cas.

“Assbutt.” Cas muttered.

“Bitch.” Dean replied sitting down across for him. Dean spotted Jody walking over to the boys. “Look who is approaching.”

Jody was too kin of Dean and Cas’s sudden affection towards each other. _“I don’t wanna know what you two do in the dark.”_ She would always say. She rolled her eyes as she sat down beside Cas.

Even with Dean eating she still had to watch him profusely just to make sure.

“Hey, _bae_ , open up.” Dean smiled and played with his fork.

“Dean, stop playing with your food. Eat.” Jody used her mom voice.

Dean ignored Jody and Cas did as he was told and opened his mouth. Dean proceeded to take his fork and feed Cas a forkful of his dinner.

Cas was stunned. He froze for a moment to register what just happened. He smiled and mirrored the action to Dean. Dean smirked and chewed the food.

They looked at Jody and had a goofy grin on her face. “Y’all are so adorable it’s hard to look at.”

Dean seductively looked into Cas’s eyes as he stuck a piece of chicken into his mouth. He motioned for Cas to lean forward.

Once Cas was close enough Dean captured Cas’s lips and transferred the chicken from Dean to Cas. Cas chewed and swallowed. “That chicken taste good.”

“It’s not the best.” Dean shrugged.

“No, it’s good because it tasted like you.” Cas whispered. Dean laughed and they continued to at like that; feeding it to each other.

They cuddled in the day room watching crap TV after that until it was time to get ready for bed. They weren’t allowed to shower together but pretty much everything was for them together.

After a week of sleeping in separate beds they ended up sleeping together. Some nights it was in Cas’s bed, but other’s they were in Deans.

That one night in particular they were spooning in Cas’s bed. Dean traced an eight on Cas’s peck as he wrapped himself around the smaller man. He kissed Cas’s shoulder. “Cas, you awake?”

He listened closely and heard the light snore from the other man. Dean closed his eyes and drifted to sleep.

He didn’t know what woke him up until he sat up carefully without waking Cas. His stomach gave a rough growl and it wasn’t because he was hungry. He wrapped his arms around his torso and took a few deep breaths. His stomach turned and Dean got out of Cas’s bed.

He carefully walked over to the bathroom. He flicked on the light and shut the door. He turned on the sink and wet his face.

Dean’s stomach gave a massive heave and he dove to the toilet and expelled everything. He spat into the pile of puke in the bowl and flushed. He stood and walked towards _his_ bed on wobbly legs.

He curled up into a tight ball and groaned into his pillow.

For who know long he was back and forth between the bed and the toilet. Dean knew it was definitely food poisoning. _‘If he was sick shouldn’t Cas be sick too? He surely hopes not. Cas shouldn’t suffer something like this.’_

He thought it was around 4 in the morning when he heard movement from Cas’s bed. “Dean?” Cas mumbled.

Dean tried to be as quiet as possible so Cas would think he was asleep. His stomach turned violently. He could feel his mouth filling with saliva. He abruptly sat up and dashed into the bathroom and collapsed to his knees and threw up everything but the kitchen sink.

“Dean?” Cas asked getting out of the bed.

“No…Cas, go back to bed.” Dean shooed. He looked back at Cas. His face just about as pale as Dean’s.

Cas scrambled to the sink and emptied his stomach. When he was done he spat into the bile and moaned.

“Food poisoning.” Dean spoke and rose to his feet. He banged on the door. Nurse Ruby came in.

“Is everything alright?”

“No, tell Rufus to suck a cock. He gave me and Cas food poisoning.”

“Well, damn.” Ruby exclaimed. “Can you and Cas walk with me to the infirmary without retching?”

Dean’s stomach rolled and he heard Cas puking some more. “You got two buckets?” Dean managed to say before covering his mouth and dashing to the bathroom. Cas was limp beside the toilet when Dean fell to his knees and vomited. Ruby stood in the doorway with two buckets.

“Alright boys, right this way.”

Dean pulled Cas to his feet. As they walked Cas spoke. “This is not pleasant.”

“Never had food poisoning?” Dean asked as Cas’s shook his head. Dean felt sorry for the guy. Food poisoning wasn’t something anyone wanted , but never had it and then get it was a nightmare. “I’m sorry, baby.”

After a bout of medication Cas seemed to be getting better. Dean insisted to work on getting Cas better. Dean could ride out the poisoning, he was _not_ going to let Cas suffer. “Dean, we have enough staff to treat both of you.” Nurse Tran mentioned.

“No…treat Cas…then me. He is more important.” Dean moaned.

It was late in the afternoon before Cas well enough to go to the day room. Dean stayed the night and that morning after breakfast he found Cas in their normal spot.

They weren’t together long because Dr. Masters found them. She wanted Dean.

“Good morning, lovelies. How are you feeling> I heard the chicken gave you food poisoning.”

“We’re fine, Dr. Masters. What do you want?” Dean remarked.

“I need to speak with you.”

Dean nodded. “It’s not my day for therapy.”

“Call it an add on.” Meg smiled. “Come with me.” He stood and followed the doctor. She lead him down an unfamiliar hallway that he had watch Cas walked down a few times before, but never gone down there.

“Where are you taking me?”

“You’ll see, sugar.” Meg said as she stopped and opened a door motioning Dean to enter.

He entered hesitantly. He was halfway in when he recognized the people in the room. He tried to back away but Meg pushed him in further and shut the door behind her.

_‘No! He shouldn’t be here! He shouldn’t want to see me. He should hate me! He should be gone on some business trip, not in this room. She shouldn’t want to have her son in the same room as me! This isn’t right.’_

“Hello Dean.” John smiled. Sammy sat at the table quietly with Kate beside him. Adam played quietly on the ground. They were all smiling.

“Sit down, Dean.” Meg pulled a chair out from the table.

Dean slowly sat in the chair and silently stared at his family…plus Kate and Adam. “W-What are you guys doing here?”

“We came to see you.” John answered. Dean shook his head as if it was a question John asked.

“You look good, Dean. Much better than how we saw you three months ago.” Kate added.

Dean remained silent. “Tell me, John, what is your home life like? Dean doesn’t share much about that?”

“I’m not home a lot. I’m a trucker. Kate would watch over them for a while, when I was gone.” John lied.

Dean shook his head. “Samuel?”

“Sam.” Sam responded.

“Ok, Sam, how close are you to Dean?”

Sam didn’t even hesitate. “We are close. At one point Dad was gone for two weeks and Kate was there either…Dean took role of man of the house. For as long as I can remember Dean has always been there for me.”

_‘He hates you, Dean. He is just saying these things for show.’_

“You were the one to your father you were worried about Dean, correct?”

“Yes, I don’t regret doing that.”

“How was Dean’s response to you when he found out?”

“Just like what you think Dean would react.” Sam never made eye contact with Dean. “He looked betrayed and even said he hated me.”

That was Dean’s last straw. “Why are you here, Sammy? You should **hate** me! You shouldn’t **care** you put me here!” Dean blurted out. Meg stood immediately and Sam looked terrified. “None of you **_should_** be here! I’m a _nothing_. You _shouldn’t_ care about me. I’m a _useless, worthless, good little soldier_. You said it yourself that I’m a selfish bastard, Dad. Why are you even here?!”

“We are here because we care about you, Dean.” Sam replied. “I just want you to get better.”

John huffed out a breath of air and rolled his eyes then looked at Dean. “Tell what you really think, _John_.” Dean stood. “Can I be done here, Dr. Masters?”

She nodded, not wanting Dean to explode. He walked out of the room, fuming. He ran to the day room and immediately searched for Cas. He was on the couch reading a book. He dashed over there and ripped the book out of Cas’s hand and crumbled into Cas’s lap and cried into his shirt.

_He had never done that before._

***


	31. He Cares About You Deeply

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always Cas's Point of View was written by: MCRgurl  
> and Dean's point of view was written by: bringmesomepie
> 
> *just to keep you updated*
> 
> :D

**_CASTIEL’s POV_ **

Cas sat in silence with the light conversations of people in the room around him as Dean left down the hallway. The TV show on the television was boring without Dean telling him what was going on or making a witty retort that he thought was hilarious every minute or so.

So, Castiel and his young mind went over to the bookshelf. After scanning the books that had been touched…ever he found it. He sneezed as he picked up the book _‘The Outsiders’_ of the shelf.

Dean told him that Sam was reading it at school with his favorite teacher. Maybe it’d be a good read?

He started reading the first line. ‘ _As I step out into…’_ He was instantly hooked and got lost in the mental images the book inquired. All of a sudden the precious novel was knocked from his grip. Castiel looked in panic only to find Dean collapsing into his lap with his face in Cas’s t-shirt.

“Baby?” Cas asked. He felt Dean grab at his shirt, holding it tight as if he were a baby hanging onto his mother for warmth.

Cas felt a hiccup against his stomach. It was then that he realized what Dean was doing. He was crying…

Castiel had never seen him do it before and never had comforted someone crying before.

He thought hard before patting Dean’s back like his mother would always do to him as a kid.

“W-What’s wrong?” Cas asked wrapping his arms around Dean. It felt like the right thing to do.

Dean looked up with red, puffy eyes and tear stains on his cheeks. “My family came..” He hiccupped into Cas’s shoulder. “They—lied…They lied right in front of Dr. Masters face.”

Cas knew about Dean’s family life. Mostly how his father was never home and how much he loved Sam.

He didn’t talk about his mom, though, he kept that away from any conversation. Cas never talked about his family to Dean. He trusted no one with that information. But, the way Dean was holding him, he felt like he could say anything to the boy.

“It’s ok, Dean.” Cas said and kissed the top of his head. He didn’t know what was wrong with him, but he knew Dean would tell him eventually.

Castiel rubbed Dean’s back until they had to leave for lunch. The whole day went by in a blur before Cas even knew it.

They were going to bed. Dean was in his bed. Cas scratched Dean’s head and kissed at Dean’s neck. He smiled for once that day.

“Dean, Can…can I ask you something?” Cas timidly questioned looking at Dean. Dean nodded as he played with Cas’s finger as if they were the most interesting thing in the world; they were strangely much smaller than his. “What exactly h-happened today?”

Dean shook his head. “I don’t wanna talk about it, baby…”

Cas nodded and sighed. _‘Cas, he’s gonna tell you! Why’d you even ask?’_ He thought to himself.

“Did you Dad—“

“I said, I don’t wanna talk about it, Cas.” He shouted fast.

 _‘Stupid, Cas. Real stupid! He doesn’t want you, can’t you see?’_ He sighed and bit his lip. _‘Don’t cry Cas…God, you’re such a pussy.’_

He laid down and spooned into Dean. He never was the one to spoon either, Dean was always spooning him…

“Was it about Sam or—“ Cas was cut off by Dean once again.

“ _CAS!_ ”

“Did they talk about your mom?” Cas let out a mere second later only to see Dean jump out of the bed and scream .

“NO CAS! Stop! I don’t wanna fucking talk about it!”

“De—“ was all he managed to get out before the door slammed behind Dean as he stormed out of the room.

Castiel sat in silence for a moment, staring up at the ceiling. _‘Just like your father! You just had to know! You stupid fuck! He hates you now. You managed to hurt the **only** person you have loved. The only person to ever love you back!’_ He thought. A tear dripped of his eyelid and he laid back.

“I’m sorry.” He mumbled to himself. He wiped the tears off his face in a rush of terrible anger. He rolled off the bed and flopped face first onto the floor. _‘That’s Dean’s bed, not yours. You deserve nothing, but dirt, not even this hardwood floor.’_

He closed his eyes and sighed. Maybe Dean would forgive him… ** _Maybe_** …

**_!@#$%^ &*()(*&^%$#@#$%^&*()(*&^%$#_ **

**_DEAN’S POV_ **

He heard Nurse Ruby and Tran behind him and calling out his name. It wasn’t that late so she would still be here. He walked up to her office and banged on the door. “Dr. Masters! Dr. Masters!”

The door opened slowly and Meg’s face appeared. “Dean? It’s late. What are you doing up?”

“I’m glad you are still here…”

“I’m on call tonight. Come in and sit.” Dean did as he was told and waited for her to sit down. “You are a unique person, Dean. I’m guessing you wanting to talk.”

“John fucked everything up.” Dean blurted out.

“How so?”

“After that stupid session I went to Cas. He makes me feel better. This time he started asking questions I can’t answer.”

“Can you give me an example?”

Dean licked his lips. _‘Cas is probably having a serious breakdown because you can’t tell him about your fucking mom or what happened today. You’re such a pompous jerk, Dean. Cas should hate you.’_ “He asked why I don’t talk about my mom.”

Meg thought for a moment and laced his fingers together and sat her hands on the desk. “Well, why don’t you talk about you? Kate seems like a caring young woman. She seems to be very involved in your life.”

Dean stared at her as if she was the enemy. “Kate is not my mom. She will never by my mom. She isn’t even my step-mother. She is dating my dad and they have a son together; that 3 year old, Adam. My mom died when me and Sammy were little. I didn’t even met Kate until 3 months ago, the day I was sent here.” Dean spat out.

“That’s doesn’t’ make sense. It says right here on your chart that Kate is your step-mom.”

“No, she is nothing to me. She is just a person trying to replace my mom.” Dean got up and paced the room.

“Dean, what has got you so vamped? You are on edge and your eyes are crazy. Tell me what’s going on.”

“I-I-I snapped at Cas because he was asking about today.” Dean said holding his head in his hands.

Meg walked around he desk and guided Dean into the seat and crouched down on the balls of her toes. He moved Dean’s hands and held them in her own. For once her face was soft, concerned, soothing. “Dean. What is so wrong in telling Cas about your family? You did say you loved him. In a healthy relationship you have to know everything about him and he should know everything about you.”

“I-I can’t do that, Dr. Masters.” Dean choked on his words.

“And why not?”

“I’m not good with feelings.” Dean managed to say. “If I talk about that to Cas…He will see me vulnerable and I—I have already cried in front of him.”

“Why would Cas care if you are vulnerable?” Meg asked holding Dean’s head in her hands softly.

“I’m the thing keeping Cas’s head above water. He is so fragile and broken without me to care for him and love him. I’m not even sure if he thinks the same.”

Meg smiled. “Dean, sweetie, Cas cares about you. Believe me, he cares about you deeply.”

“You think so?”

“I know so, so get your ass back to your room and tell that man everything.” Meg demanded.

Dean stood and nodded.

“Dean, before you go I have a few questions to ask.”

“Meg, I don’t want to be theraped right now.” Dean moaned.

“No, tell me what happened to your mom. Tell me why you and your Dad aren’t on good terms. Tell me what you are going to tell Cas.”

Dean sighed, sitting back down in his chair. “When I was 4 my mom died because of a fire. After the fire, firefighters found her the next day with severe 3rd degree burns. She was barely breathing. She died during emergency to save her life. I watched my Dad crumble to the ground at the news. He was never the same. He couldn’t hold down a job until around five years ago.

Meg nodded and wrote something on his chart. “Dean, you mentioned to me that your father beat you. Care to explain?”

“When he was drunk anything could get him angry. He usually took out his anger on me. Taking me over his knee and whipping me with his belt on my ass or back. I would hope and pray that that night would be the night he wouldn’t use the buckle of the belt. He would punch and/or kick me until I passed out on the ground and kick me until I woke up that morning.”

Meg tried not to gasp. “Did he ever do any of that to your brother?”

“He didn’t, but I have no clue now.”

“You do know we could get him arrested.” Meg informed.

Dean shook his head. “It’s only when he drinks. Hopefully he hasn’t been drinking.”

Meg nodded and wrote some more on his chart. “OK, now you can go talk with Cas.”

Dean straightened up. “Why did we have to talk now and not later?”

“I had to calm you down. I couldn’t have you possibly say something you were going to regret.”

“Thanks.” Dean walked out and down the hall.

_‘He’s not going to be there when you get to the room. He’s probably sleeping in the day room or in his old room. He hates you. You destroyed him. He is never gonna want to talk to you ever again.’_

Dean thought as he walked won the hall and got closer to his room. He slowly opened the door and popped his head in. “Cas, baby?” Dean whispered. He looked around and didn’t see him. Dean nodded but he noticed something.

He walked into the room and saw Cas lying on the ground asleep. He looked closer and saw the tear stains on his face. Dean sighed and bridal styled lifted Cas up and laid him down gently onto the bed and curled up around the smaller man.

He circled a finger around Cas’s stomach. _‘Hey Jude, don’t make it bad. Take a sad song and make it better. Remember to let her into your heart. Then you can start to make it better.’_ Dean sang softly. He closed his eyes and kept going.

_‘Hey Jude, don’t be afraid. You were made to go out and get her. The minute you let her under your skin. Then you begin to make it better.’_

Dean snuggled down on Cas’s chest and hummed the rest of the song and sang the chorus before making the risky decision to lace his fingers with Cas’s and falling asleep.

***


	32. Only When I Have A Good Dream

He had a very vivid dream that. Him and Cas were on a beach. They were both in bathing suits and looked perfect. They were also happy. Dr. Harvelle and Singer were there. Jody and Dr. Masters were there. As well were Benny and Charlie.

  
It was some sort of ceremony. A very casual ceremony. After heading what the ceremony about...it was a wedding. Dean and Cas's wedding.

  
That's when Dean woke up from being shaken, but not from Jody. It was Cas. He blinked and realized there was a lake of drool of Cas chest. He sat up and wiped his face.

"Good morning, Cas." Dean grumbled.

  
"I-I thought you were...mad at me?" Cas said wide eyed and awake.

  
"No, I was mad at first but I had my head put on straight. I realized one thing. I love you and in a relationship...we don't hide things. I know you ready knew about my mom and how she died when in4 but that's not everything. Not even close."

  
Cas nodded and looked down at his shirt where the huge wet patch of drool soaked into his shirt and stuck to his chest. "You drool a lot."

  
Dean smirked. "Only when I have a good dream."

  
"It was one good dream." Cas smiled.

  
"It was." Dean smiled taking Cas's hands. "I'm sorry about last night. The things you were asking were subjects that are hard for me to answer."

  
Cas nodded.

  
"I mean I'm not the only one. I don't know thing about your family. I mean I know you have four brothers and a sister. I know your mom has this high paying job and your dad isn't in the picture but nothing else." Dean said as he watched Cas stiffen. "You don't have to tell me anything but I'm about to tell you everything."

  
Dean took a deep breath. "When I was 4 my mom died in a fire I started. The fire was in my lite brothers nursery. I had been playing in his room just hours earlier. My dad took Sammy and I carried him out of the house. Dad went back to save Mom. She was found the next day barely breathing and had severe 3rd degree burns. She...she died on the operating table. I watched my father breakdown." Dean paused to hold back tears. "My dad was never the same. He couldn't hold down a job for shit. He wasn't the same dad I knew."

  
Dean held his head I his hands almost hyperventilating. He was freaking out over what is saying on the verge of a panic attack from all the memories. He felt Cas rub his thigh gently...soothing even.

  
"My dad would start drinking and would beat me with his belt on my ass, back or whatever body part was closest." Dean looked up at Cas and his face was calm, sympathetic, gentle. "Five years ago my dad actually found a job. A truck driver. He left me and Sammy alone for a week or two in our crappy apartment. He never had enough me to sustain both of us while he was gone. So I started skipping meal to make sure Sammy was getting enough."

  
Dean shook his head as he felt the tears escape his eyes 'dammit'. He closed his eyes and took a shaky breath. "I would give anything for Sammy. I would die for that boy in a heartbeat."

  
Dean nodded not looking at Cas. "So that everything. That's the life of Dean Winchester."

  
Cas cupped Dean jawline forcing the taller man to look at him. "Dean, I understand how hard it was for you to open up to me. I'm proud of you, never the less."  
  
Dean nodded and looked around for a clock. '8:13'. "Jody should be coming in to take us to breakfast soon."  
  
Cas nodded and they were silent for a few moments the. Cas spoke. "You have a beautiful voice."  
  
Dean looked at Cas. "You heard me singing?"  
  
"I woke up at you were lifting me onto the bed. What made you sing that song. I thought you were more into old rock music?"  
  
Dean smirked. "My mom would sing that me to get me to sleep instead of a lullaby."  
  
Cas leaned in and pressed his lips to dean's. Dean got up and shut the door and walked back over to Cas and got on top of him. Dean hungrily kissed Cas. "You're beautiful, Cas." Dean moaned nipped Cas lower lip.  
  
Cas gripped the back of Dean's neck and some of his hair. "Dean..." He moaned.  
  
Dean sucked on his own fingers as Cas lost himself as they undressed. Dean circled his index finger around Cas's plump hole. Cas whimpered as Dean teased. "Are you ready, baby? One finger."  
  
Cas nodded and pulled tighter on Dean hair. Dean moaned at the pain. He slide the second finger in and got a gasp from Cas. Dean pumped in and out and hit Cas's prostate.  
  
"Fuck!" Cas blurted outage looked at Dean and Dean smiled devilishly  
  
Dean plumped again and slammed against Cas's prostate harder getting curse word out of Cas. "Oh God, Cas are are gorgeous when you fall apart like this." Dean moaned as he slipped the third finger in.  
  
Dean pulled out all his fingers and stuck his finger n his mouth as Cas whimpered at the feeling of emptiness. "Baby, you taste so good." Dean said as he spit into his finger and lathered his dick with saliva.  
  
"I'm ready, Dean. I'm ready." Cas moaned digging his nails into Dean back as Dean slowly teased Cas hole.  
  
Dean slowly nested Cas tight hole. "As you wish, baby." Dean started a nice rhythm and listening to Cas moan incoherently.  
  
"You're so tight, baby." Dean moaned and hit Cas prostate. Cas wrapped his legs around Dean waist and dug his nails harder on Dean back.  
  
"Dean, I'm gonna..." Cas panted. Dean placed his hand between the two men and gripped Cas hard muscle and pumped up and down and Cas fell apart. "Dean!"  
  
"Come for me, baby. Come in my hand." Dean said as he climaxed inside Cas. Dean was seeing star. He could only imagine what Cas was seeing.  
  
Come spilled out of Cas dick and over Deans hand. They both panted  and Dean lean over and licked up all of Cas come.  "You taste amazing, Cas."  
  
"I love you, Dean." Cas panted as they pulled on clothes and cuddle together with Cas on dean's chest.  
  
"I love you too, Cas." Dean smiled.  
  
                                                                                                                                    ***


	33. True or Fault?

"Cas, you have a visitor." Dr. Masters said. They only got visitors on Sunday's. Other times it had to be in a family therapy session which could happen any day.

  
                Cas looked at Dean who nodded, continuing to watch the crappy show that was on TV.

  
                He got up and followed Meg to the visitor area that neither him or Dean had gone to before.

  
                He looked around to see no one in the room. "Just sit here Cas he'll be out in a minute. He is signing in."

  
                Cas nodded as she left the room and the man came in. Cas's eyes got wide and he backed away in his seat.

  
                His Father was there, alone and ready to talk to Cas. "Hey Fat-Ass!" He smirked finding a seat across from Castiel. Castiel looked down at his stomach. It had a bump like you were supposed to have with no bones showing through.

  
                _‘I am fat...how did you not notice this before...'_ He thought to himself. His Father chuckled. "I see I was right, you turned into a little fat boy, and saw that made yourself skinny. You had to make yourself skinny because you couldn't do it yourself!"  Chuck laughed at him smiling no nurse to even hear them talk. Nurses allowed it to be private, it was family. But where watching them at all moments. Chuck smiled while he talked knowing he had to put on an act.

  
                _‘It's true Castiel, you piece of shit! He knows you more than you even know yourself.'_

  
                “You know if this wasn't a hospital I'd be beating your ass right now. You deserve that too." His Father said slamming his hand on the table.  "The family has been happy since you left, ya know? Naomi has been talking to me...what if we got back together? You'd never be a fat-ass, I'd never have to beat you but you know what you did? You made me lose the only good thing in my life 10 years ago!" Chuck lied his ass off through that, he wanted Castiel to be stuck here.

  
                Castiel was panicking on the inside and nodding. He got teary but was trying to hold it in.

  
                “Go ahead Castiel! Cry! Cry right here in front of me!" He shouted. Cas hadn't even said a word.

              “If you stayed here you'd make everyone happy...Your own family doesn't miss you or even care. They haven't been in here to see you have they? No! I knew I had to straighten you out myself."

  
                An hour went on with his father yelling at him about himself. Until Dr. Master's came popped in for a second.

  
                “Sir, Castiel has to go for Dinner, I'll give you guys 5 minutes to finish up."

  
                Chuck nodded and smiled. He stood up and walked over to the now sobbing Cas. "Now listen here Fattie. You're not going to tell **anyone** what just happened, are you?"

  
                Cas nodded and wiped his eyes. He took Castiel in his arms and smiled, digging his nails into the young boys back but smiling as Dr. Master's came in.

  
                Cas turned around and started walking through Meg, looking at the ground. "I know it's hard to leave Cas, I know..." She said patting his shoulder.

  
                Castiel was breathing heavy and looked up for a second. Dr. Master's was right in front of him.

  
                “Cas buddy, you okay?" She asked with a worried look. Cas stared at her then back at the floor. "Castiel?" She asked again.

  
  
                Next thing she knew she was being pushed out of the way by Cas. "Cas! Stop!" She yelled as he ran out the door, sticking his fingers in mouth quickly, only gagging after not doing it for so long.

  
                He looked to his right to see nurses rushing towards him. Then he looked to the left seeing Dean with a wary and shocked face walking fast towards him.

  
                Cas ran off into the hall all the way to their room. He leaned on the door getting a chair and pushing it against it.

  
                He grabbed the trash can beside his bed and stuck his fingers in mouth again only gagging. He sobbed. "Work!!!"

  
                Cas pushed his fingers all the way down his throat making bile come out his nose and mouth.

  
                There was knocks on the door and people running to get Azazeal; he was the only person that could get it open. He heard Dean yelling the most.

  
                “Castiel baby, stop!!!" He yelled. "You're beautiful baby, stop!" He yelled again. Castiel shook his head to himself. _'Keep going Cas...'_

  
                Castiel keep on emptying himself until there was nothing but mucus coming out from the bottom of his stomach.

  
                He heard the door being broke down next thing he knew Azazeal had burst through the door with nurse Tran and Ruby behind him. No Dean in sight.

  
                They quickly grabbed Cas and put him on the bed. Cas sobbed and tried to get up. He didn't care about himself anymore. He needed to know if Dean was okay.

  
                Cas eyes were red and swollen. He was panicking on the inside and out. He tried breaking his way through their grip but he wasn't strong enough. "DEAN!" He yelled out once.

  
                They stuck him with a muscle relaxer and minutes later he was asleep. Away from the demons in his head and the worries in his stomach.   
  
_**!@#$%^ &*(*&^%$#$%^&*()(*&^**_  
  
                Castiel woke up the next morning with Dean behind him, spooning him. His hand was resting on Cas's flat stomach, rubbing it smoothly and protectively. He was singing softly to himself "All Out of Love" by Air Supply.

  
                _’I'm all out of love...I'm so lost without you...I knew you were right...believing for so long..."_

  
                Cas keep his eyes close as Dean kissed at his hair and the side of his neck.

  
                He could hear Dean singing with smooth voice. His breath softly hitting the back of Cas's neck as he kissed it softly.

  
                Cas opened his eyes. He saw his bed way over on the side of the room. That meant he was in Dean's bed.

  
                "Good Morning, Baby." He heard from behind him. Castiel looked up and saw the emerald green eyes of Dean.

  
                Castiel nodded, he had just remembered what had happened. 'You don't deserve Dean...you don't deserve to talk.'

  
                He frown shut his eyes again, not needing to talk. "Baby?" Dean asked rubbing Cas's shoulder.

  
                "Cas, you can talk to me about last night you know?" Dean said.

  
                Cas nodded. "I-I-I think it's time I tell you..." Cas stuttered opening his eyes and sitting up for Dean to see him.

  
                "L-last night I went to the visitor center and my-- my Dad was there..." Cas breathing turned heavy and he was shaking. 

  
                Dean wrapped his arms around Cas as he shivered, speaking quietly. "My Dad left my Mom when I was four and has abused me every sense...he h-hurts me...he blame my mom leaving him on me...he told me that the family is happy without m-me." He hiccupped and cried into Dean.

  
                ”And the worse part is that I know it's true..." He sobbed and Dean patted his back.

  
                “Sssh Cas, it's okay..." He kissed his temple. "I understand... It's okay."

  
                They sat in silence for a while, while Dean rubbed and kissed at Cas.

  
                Cas knew Dean understood. Dean's life was hard too. He just wished Dean's wasn't, that he could take away that pain from him.

  
                Soon Jody came and picked them up for breakfast. Dean didn't say anything about his meltdown again.


	34. Su Amigo es Mi Amigo

_**2 weeks later...**_  
  
Dean sat at the table him and Cas normally sat at during free time. Cas had a therapy session with dr. masters. He wasn't really paying attention to the other patients. He really hasn't talked to any of them. He would sometimes talk with Benny and Charlie was cool, but they didn't talk much.

  
"Hey, Winchester." He heard. Not many people called him that unless there was a Mr. Before it. He straighten up and a petite blonde woman sat in the seat in front of him. "It's been a while, Winchester."

  
Joanna Harvelle. She is Dr. Harvelles daughter and a grade higher than Dean. They had been best friends all of middle school but Jo moved schools for high school so they only saw each other on scheduled meet up times. Dean's mind had been revolving around Cas lately.

  
"Jo?"

  
"My mom told me you were in here for Anorexia." She replied casually.

  
"Yeah, why are you here?" Dean tilted his head.

  
"It's Christmas break. I do this every year. I help out the patient by socializing with outside folks."  She smiled.

  
"Well aren't you a saint."

  
Jo folded her arms and put the onto the table. "Sammy has been worried sick about you."

  
"You have talked to Sammy?"

  
"I pick him from school every Thursday after soccer practice for Kate. He has been telling me everything."

  
Dean smiled. "Good ole Sammy. Next time you see him tell him I'm sorry and I miss him."

  
"Sure thing, Winchester." She smiled. "Mom has also been telling me about this person you have been going googly eyes for."

  
Dean blushed.

  
"What's her name? Their aren't a lot of girls in this joint that arent complete sluts."

  
Dean smirked and looked down at his hands. "His name is Castiel."

  
"Castiel Novak?" Jo said wide eyed.

  
"Yeah? Why?"

  
Jo shook her head. "Nothing, but I'm friends with his sister. She says he doesn't really talk to anyone but his mom, one of their brothers or maybe her."

  
"Well, he talks to me and we have been "dating" for 4 months." Dean said with a cocky smile.

  
"What's with the quotes around dating?"

  
"We never established that. We just became a thing. We've fucked a few times."

  
Jo smiled and covered her mouth. "Dean!" Dean blushed and hid his face. "You have to give me details!"

  
"I'm not going to give you details on my sex life."

  
"Are you a bottom?" Jo blurted.

  
"No. Cas is the bottom. We have only done it three times." Jo stared at Dean with a mischievous grin. "What?"

  
"You are totally fawning over him. You are head over heels love with him."

  
Dean blushed. "Shuddup."

  
"Dean! You are!" Jo squealed.

  
Dean smiled. "Yeah, you're right. I love him."

  
"D-Dean?" They heard.

  
Dean looked over and saw Cas standing at the me of the table. "Cas, come over and sit. I want you to meet one of my old friends."

  
Cas hesitantly walked over to Dean. He was as stiff as a board. He say down and stared at Jo. "Hi there, Castiel." Jo smiled.

  
"Cas, this is Jo. She is Dr. Harvelles daughter."

  
Cas silently waved.

  
"Dean has told me nothing but good things about you, Cas. I'm honored to meet you. I see right off the bat he really cares about you."

  
Dean blushed. "Mr. Winchester."

  
Dean looked at and saw Dr. Masters waving him over. "Well, that's me."

  
Dean leaned over and whispered in Cas's ear. "Talk with Jo. Make a friend. She won't bite."

  
Dean walked over to Dr. Masters. "Good afternoon, Dean. I can see you have met Joanna." Dr. Masters smiled.

  
"I already knew her. I've known her for a while." Dean remarked.

  
"So you know Ellen?"

  
"Yeah, for a whole she was like a mom to me." Dean said looking down at the ground as they walked. "Then my dad got the job as a trucker."

  
"Are we going to learn more about your childhood today, Mr. Winchester?"

  
"God I hope not." Dean retorted as he looked back at Cas and Jo.

_*** &^%$#@#$^&*&^%$#@#$%^** _

  
**_JO POV_**  
  
"So Castiel, I hear you are talking to people outside of your family." Jo smiled.

  
Cas was as stiff as a board.

  
"Dean's a nice guy. It doesn't surprise me he fell in love with you."

  
Cas's looked confused. He tree his head and squinted. That made Jo laugh. It was as if the man was asking me what I meant but wasn't saying any words.

  
"I mean, Dean comes from a broken family yet still has a pure heart. He attracts others from broken homes or families. He like likes people who are almost as sweet and kind as he is, but he falls in love with people who are both broken but pure."

  
Cas kept squinting at Jo. Confusion was swimming in his crystal blue pools he called irises. She leaned forward.

  
"I know you come from some kind of broken family or lifestyle. I can read on your face and your posture. My moms a shrink." Jo laughed. "I also knows about Dean. He loves you more than I have seen him love someone before. So by inference I guess you are similar to him. That makes you a rare Individual."

  
Cas nodded. "I-I-I do love D-Dean."

  
"He speaks!" Jo beamed. That got a chuckle out of Cas but nothing more. "Don't worry, Castiel. I'm good friends with your sister Anna. She told me a little about your father and his feelings towards you. It's horrible. If Dean loves you I know you are a gentle soul and I think we could be good friends if you let it."

  
Cas smiled. Jo knew if he hadn't been from some kind of bad back ground he would be a amazing guy. He actually looked at her. In the back of her head she thought he only did that for people he trusted.

  
"How about we go get some dinner." Jo suggested.

  
Cas shook his head.

  
"You wanted to wait for Dean?"

  
Cas nodded

  
"Well, he can meet us there." Jo stood and held out her hand to Cas. "Come on, Cas."

  
He hesitated but slowly stood and jo took his hand and lead him to the cafeteria. Dinner had already started. Jody trust Cas to eat so he waits for Dean.

  
Jo walked in front of Cas and grabbed food and Cas grabbed his. "So Cas, how do you keep Dean so calm?"

  
Cas was confused.

  
"I mean if you haven't noticed Dean can get loud."

  
Cas just shrugged.

  
"Tell me something about you, Cas. You don't seem to talk much."

  
"My name is Castiel Novak. I am in love with Dean Winchester."

  
"Well aren't you adorable." Jo smiled.

  
Cas blushed. He looked down the cafeteria when they heard loud noises. "Fuck you! I'm done listening to you." They heard.

  
Seconds later Dean comes storming into the cafeteria. "Mr. Winchester, stop." Dr. Master yelled with Jody behind her.

  
"Shut the fuck up!" Dean boomed. "I'm done here."

  
"Dean Winchester, come back here." Jody yelled.

  
Dean stopped abruptly and knocked a stack of trays over. "No! I'm done talking with both of you. Stop following me!" Dean jogged out of the cafeteria.

  
Jo looked back at Cas. He looked terrified. "That's how Dean normally acts."

  
Cas opened his mouth like he was going to speak but closed it. Jo looked away and locked eyes with her mother. "When did Dean stop acting like that?"

  
Jo flinched at the sudden voice. She turned and Cas was looking at her slightly panicked. "As long as I have known him he would blow up like that at anything. It wasn't until around five years ago when his dad started his job as that truck driver. Ever since then he hasn't been as bad."

  
He nodded. "Oh." Escaped his lips.

  
"I can tell you Dean is a different person from five years ago. He is not putting up a facade." Jo re-insured.

  
Cas relaxed a little.

  
"You don't seem to talk much do yeah?"

  
Cas shrugged.  
"I mean you've talked to me...is that a new thing?" Cas nodded. "Is it because I'm a friend of Deans?"

  
"N-no, you're n-nice." Cas whispered.

  
Jo smiled. "Thanks, you're nice too."

  
Cas smiled and he saw Dr. Mills sat down at the table. "What happened with Dean?" Jo asked.

  
"He is in another room. He is far too angry to be with people right now."

  
"What happened?"

  
"I don't exactly know. I was waiting by Meg's office and sudden Dean stomped out of the office. Cussing And fuming. Meg chased after him and I followed."

  
"Is he in his room?" Jo asked.

  
"No, he went back to his room in the solitary confinement." Jody nodded. "I help carry him there."

  
"C-carry?" Cas blurted out. 

  
"Nurse Ruby sedated him."  
                                                                                                ***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoa! Point of view change! Tell us what you think about give an outside POV!


	35. You're not My Dean...

Cas got into bed that night, shaking in fear. No one was with him, it was just him. _'I can't sleep...'_ He thought. _'I hope Dean is okay...'_

  
He shut his eyes and toss and turned for hours until finally falling asleep.

  
_**!@#$%^*((* &^%$#@!~@#*()(*&^%$#@** _

  
_Castiel opened his eyes seeing his family and Dean. "Where am I?" He asked getting up realizing he was in a suit._

  
_"Come here sweetie. Let me fix your hair." His mother said walking over to him licking her fingers and straightening his hair._

  
_He started to walk farther away going over to Dean who was smiling. He moved his arm around Cas's shoulder._

  
_"Are you enjoying yourself baby?" He asked as if Cas knew the answer. "Enjoying what...?"_

  
_Next thing Cas knew everything went black and then back to color. He saw Dean frowning._

  
_"Dean what's-- what's wrong?" He asked rushing over to his lover. Dean started laughing with his hands on his face._

  
_With a confused look Cas got closer. "D-Dean...?"_

  
_Dean slowly took his hands off his face showing same old Dean. Cas smiled until Dean opened his eyes; they were **black.** _

  
_Cas jumped backwards in fear. The Dean he knew wasn't there. Cas's heart was racing and he was shaking._

  
_"Y-your not D-Dean!" Cas shouted backing up until he hit a black wall. The shade soon covered everything expect Dean._

  
_"I am Dean. There's no stopping this. This is the evil he will become!" It yelled coming closer to Cas._

  
"NO!" Cas sobbed. Then it was silent. "Cas! Cas!" He heard.

  
"Castiel!!! Wake up! It's just a dream!"

  
Cas opened his eyes. Jody was there with a worried look, shaking him.

  
His breathing was heavy and he looked around in a haze. "You okay there, buddy?" Jody questioned. Cas nodded, swallowing his spit and sitting up. He rubbed his eyes and slid out of bed.

  
 _'Another day without Dean...'_ He thought sighing. He walked with Jody to breakfast. That's when Jo came up to him with a bright smile.

  
"Hey Cas, how are you holding up?" She asked. He shrugged. _'Why does she talk to me...She should hate me...I'm horrible...'_

  
"Don't worry boy, I know Dean will be back soon." She patted Cas's shoulder making him flinch. "Sorry! I didn't mean to scare ya." She stated.

  
Cas nodded, and looked down at his food. It was Dean's favorite thing for breakfast; pancakes. He remembered the story and everything; it was because when he was little him and Sammy would make faces using the syrup and eat it like they monsters. It made Sam laugh so of course Dean enjoyed it.

  
Cas smiled thinking about it. He liked thinking about having good memories with his siblings. Castiel didn't have many good moments... He remembered him and Gabriel running out the house after seeing a cat that had no home. He remembered the poor kittens eyes as he picked it up.

  
Their mother let them keep it. It stayed with Cas for weeks...that was until Lucifer killed it... but it was still one of his favorite moments.

  
He remembered Anna and him running around in the house, playing a prank on Balthy. They dumped whipped cream on his face.

  
Of course later on Balthy cussed at them because it was on his birthday but that didn't matter to Cas.

  
"Cas, Cas! Hello?" Jo said snapping her fingers in his face.

  
Cas flinched again. He was zoned out in his own memories. He sighed, back to reality. The only happy thing in his life now was Dean and didn't even have that.

  
Dean was his kitten, or the prank he pulled. He was all the little things that made him happy in one. But he wasn't there...

  
His fork hit the plate then Cas realized he'd ate all his food and was just putting the fork in his mouth over and over again.

  
"Castiel!" Jo yelled getting him back. Cas looked at her, tense and afraid. "Cas, I've been trying to get your attention for 30 minutes now!"

  
Cas smiled a bit. _'Just like Michael would say...'_ He thought.

  
"S-sorry...I-I-I do that some...sometimes." He stuttered out. Jo smiled. "It's okay, Cas."

  
Cas nodded and sat there looking at the table.

  
Hours went on and there was still no Dean. He went to the freetime area and sat where they usually did.

  
He imaged Dean sitting across from him. He would be smiling at Cas or simply hold his hand. He felt safe with him. He knew Dean would never hurt him. He knew that Dean would be with him, but he worried Dean would never get out of where he was.

  
Jo sat with him and even played some cards with him till it was time for showers, then bed.

  
Castiel got in the shower and sat down on his bare ass, cold on the floor.

  
He thought about Dean again as the hot water fell on his cool body. He closed his eyes, imaging Dean kissing him.

  
Castiel never had done it before but in the shower that night he was hard. He rubbed his throbbing member thinking about his Lover; Dean.

  
He went to bed that night smiling. He had Dean in his mind, but he truly wanted Dean by his side.

  
He chuckled. _Maybe inside him too..._


	36. I Didn't Know Better

**_DEAN POV_**   
  
"Let me out! Let. Me. Out!" Dean yelled.

  
There was silence. This time he was strapped to the bed in the padded room.

  
"LET ME OUT!!" Dean fumed. "DR. MASTERS!!"

  
The door opened and Nurse Ruby entered. "Oh look who is awake and voicing his opinion."

  
"Get me out of here." Dean snapped.

  
"Oh no, not with that rage." Ruby walked in. "Now you slept pasted supper and all night. It's time for breakfast. You have two choices. Eat it or have it fed to you."

  
"Neither. Ruby, you have to get me outta here. I have to talk with Dr. Masters. I have to make sure Cas is ok."

  
"Cas is ok, sugar. Joanna is with him. Sure he was freaking out earlier but he is ok now."

  
"You have to get me out of here. I have to talk to Dr. Masters."

  
"Meg will be here shortly." Ruby sat beside Dean and patted his knee. "What would be best for you is to calm down."

  
"No, I can't calm down. No after what Dr. Masters did." Dean fumed.

  
"What did she do, sweetie?"

  
"She got my dad arrested for child abuse. There no there to watch Sammy!"

  
"Dean, Sam is ok in the hands of Kate Milligan. You don't have to worry."

  
Tears rolled down his eyes in frustration as he pulled on the restraints. "Please...let me go."

  
"Sorry, sweetie. When you are calm enough we will undo the cuffs. Right now, you are too vamped. Dr. Masters will be here shortly so do you want to eat breakfast or wait for Dr. Masters and she will insert a feed tube?"

  
"I can eat." Dean whimpered.

  
10 minutes later a tray of food is brought out to Dean with Dr. Masters. "Mr. Winchester."

  
"Dr. Masters." Dean remarked moving the food on the try around.

  
"I did what I had to do to make sure when you get discharged this won't happen again. I also had to make sure your brother was safe."

  
"John only hurt me when he was drunk!" Dean yelled.

  
"What makes you think he won't start doing that when he is sober? How do you know he hasn't hurt your brother?"

  
Dean felt tears bubble up in his eyes again. "John wouldn't hurt Sammy. Sammy's the good child. He would never." Dean cried pulling at his restraints that only allowed reached as far to eat.

  
"We don’t know that, Dean. Now I know Sam is safe." Meg sat down.

  
"Is there any way I can talk with Sammy?"

  
"Not while you are in here." Meg said without hesitation.

  
"Please...Meg, I-I need to talk with Sammy." Dean whimpered.

  
Dr. Masters didn't say a word. She just stepped out of the room and shut the door. 20 minutes later he finished eating and Dean was in his own little world. Image of Cas and how he had been freaking out. They pounded into his skull. Dean screamed into his pillow and gave up.

**_!@#$%^ &*&^%$#@!@#$^&*&^%$#@!@#$%^_ **

_'So close no matter how far_  
Couldn't be much more from the heart  
Forever trusting who we are  
And nothing else matters'

  
Dean started singing again. He ate and sang. Three days and Ruby came in.

  
 _Never opened myself this way_  
Life is ours, we live it our way  
All these words I don't just say  
And nothing else matters

  
"Good evening, Dean. Have you cooled down?"

  
 _"Never cared for what they do_  
Never cared for what they know  
But I know"

  
"I'll take that as a yes." Ruby smiled. "So I have your dinner and some good news."

  
Dean looked at her as she placed the food in front of Dean.

  
"Dr. Masters told me that tomorrow morning we would move you to your room again."

  
Dean straightened up. "Is Cas ok?"

  
"Cas is fine. He has actually been talking with Jo."

  
"Wanna get out now." Dean said taking a bite.

  
"Just one more night, Dean. You can do that. You have been singing a pretty song. I don't know what song it is but it's pretty with you singing it."

  
Dean just kept eating.

  
"I do have a surprise for you. I've only done this once in the 6 six have worked here, but your are very passionate for you brother."

  
Dean looked at her. She handed him her cell phone.

  
"Call your brother."

  
Dean dialed a number and brought the phone to his ear. There was a dial tone and then someone answer. "Milligan residents."

  
"Can I speak with Sammy?"

  
"Hold on one minute." He heard Kate replied.

  
"Hello?" Sam spoke.

  
"Sammy?"

  
"Dean?"

  
"Yeah, it's me."

  
"Dean, I'm sorry about what happened at that family session."

"Dean, I'm sorry about what happened at that family session."

  
"It's ok, Sammy. It's good to hear you. Are you hanging in there with Dad gone."

  
"Did he ever hit you "

  
"No, but he yelled at Kate a few times."

  
"Well, Sammy, dad is in prison now."

  
"When are you coming home, De? I help make your room perfect. You have your own room, Dean."

  
"I'm coming home when I get better, Sammy. Shouldn't be much longer."

  
"I gotta go, De."

  
"Bye, Sammy." Sam hung up.

  
Dean was teary eyed. "I'll be back in the morning." Ruby rubbed Dean leg.

  
Once he finished eating he rolled over on his side. He drifted asleep and had a vivid dream... _ **about Cas.** _

  
_'"Sammy, straighten your tie. Don't want to look like you were raised in a barn on his big day." He heard._

_  
He turned around and there was Mom. In all here beauty. Dean looked around and they were at their old house. "Mom?"_

_  
"Oh Dean, you look so handsome. Cas is one lucky man." She smiled._

_  
"Cas?"_

_  
"You can't see him just yet. They ceremony is in just a hour."_

_  
"Ceremony?"_

_  
Mary smiled and fixed Dean's tie. "Yes, honey, the ceremony. You and Cas have been planning this wedding for a year and a half."_

_  
Dean stared at his mother._

_  
"It's best thing to happen for me. Watching my oldest boy getting married. It almost beats you burning the house down with me inside, burning me extra crispy." Mary added and her body turned burnt and cracked and  peeling off._

_  
"No!"_

_  
"Yes! You played with that fucking outlet in Sammy's bedroom and got me trapped in his bedroom."_

_  
"I was young. I didn't know better."_

_  
"This is just like you. You kill everything you touch. You ruined everything. Mommy's dead. Daddy's in prison. Sammy is living with your Daddy's little slut."_

_  
"Mom..."_

_  
"You think Kate is replacing my spot, yet you were with Ellen being like a mother to you. You were always my burden. When I was trapped inside Sammy's nursery being engulfed by flames for a second I thought I left a pot roast in the oven...but it was me."_

_  
"I'm sorry, Mom. I know I'm a burden. My only job is to take care of Sammy."_

_  
"Then why did you leave me, Dean." Mary said sternly._

_  
"I was pulled away."_

__  
"You shouldn't even be alive. Why are you still breathing?" Mary cocked her head. "Oh right. You are in love with that panicked, codependent, little bitch, you call Castiel."  
"Momma, please..." 

_  
"Please, what Dean? Dean? Dean!"_

_  
_His eyes shot open and he jumped into sitting position. He was breathing heavy and sweating profusely. He scanned the room and it wasn't the solitary confinement. It was the infirmary. When he fully came to he realized there were an oxygen tube in his nose and an IV in his arm.

  
"You're ok, it was just a dream." Nurse Ruby said touching Dean's shoulders.

  
Dean looked around with crazy eyes. Nurse Tran and Fitzgerald were standing with him. "Whaa--h'pp'ned?" Dean slurred.

  
"You were completely catatonic. Screaming and flailing you were yelling about something was your fault." Nurse Tran said.

  
Dean unclenched his fists and relaxed. "What time is it?"

  
"7 in the morning. You've been in here since 2 in the morning."

  
"Can I see Cas?"

  
Nurse Ruby walked over to him. "Cas is still sleeping. I can walk with you to your room so you can rest some more." Dean nodded as Ruby took out the IV and the oxygen mask.

  
Dean took a shaky step off the bed. He ended up leaning on Ruby. "You are stronger than you look."

  
"Thanks." Ruby smiled as they turned towards Deans room.

  
"It was a dream about my mom." Dean whispered.

  
"That was some dream."

  
"It's my fault my mom's dead. I was playing with an outlet in my baby brother’s nursery. That same night there was a fire and my mom got trapped after handing my dad Sammy."

  
"I'm sorry, but it's not your fault, sweetie. You've had to be young and didn't know any better. Don't blame yourself."

  
"How can I _not_ blame myself when it is my fault?”

  
"Honey, I might not be a therapist but I do know that what you did when you will little doesn't make you responsible."

  
"You say that like you have done something similar." Dean said stopping at his room.

  
"I was kidnapped when I was younger. Not even five and an older man offered me candy when I was playing in the front yard. Until I was around your age 16 police found me. The man had made me and this other girl his "child"/ sex slave." Ruby responded. "My mom never told me candy was bad."

  
"Did the man look creepy?"

  
"No, he looked like an _average_ Dad. That's the scary part. When I was little, parents never told you about stranger danger because it wasn't a big thing. Do I hold myself responsible for taking that piece of candy? Not anymore. The guilty was consuming me. Finally I had a talk with my parents and they told me that it's not your fault, you didn't know better."

  
Dean nodded. "Thanks Ruby."

  
"Get some rest." She started to walk away.

  
"Hey Ruby?"

  
"Yeah?" She turned around with a smile.

  
"How did you get educated and end up a nurse?"

  
"He homeschooled us because he didn't was us dumb. When I was 16 I graduated high school and started nursing school by 18."

  
"Thanks again." Dean smiled and slowly walked into his and Cas's room. Cas was carelessly sleeping in his bed like a little _angel_.

  
Dean crawled into his own bed and drifted to sleep with what Ruby said in his head and he had a peaceful dream for once.

                                                                                                ***


	37. I'm Not Telling You About Mine and Cas's Sex Life.

Castiel woke up that morning with something soft and wet touching his neck over and over again.  
  
"Mmm..." He moaned out. It felt good.  
  
The soft and wet thing moved over to his collarbone; this was Cas's sweet spot. He bit his lip and opened his eyes.  
  
It was Dean's lips on him. "Dean.." He tried to yell without a moan escaping his lips. "Hey baby, I missed you..." He softly said kissing Cas's sweet spot again.  
  
Cas moaned louder than he meant too. He realized how hard he was getting just from Dean's lips. "I missed you-- you too." He managed to get out as Dean kissed down his chest, blowing kisses on his nipples.  
  
Dean looked down the covers seeing Cas's sweatpants where very tight in the front. "I can tell..." He whispered. Cas's lips found Dean's as Dean lowered Cas's sweatpants and boxers to his knees.  
  
"D-Dean you-- you don't h-have too..." Castiel stuttered out in pleasure. Dean kissed the tip of Cas's ear and turned Cas on his side.  
  
Dean lowered his hand down and lightly touched his sensitive cock. "Owww..." He moaned out.  
  
Dean smiled and kissed Cas over again as he slowly pumped his hand over Cas's hardened one. He lightly touched the tip with his thumb every time he got close.  
  
"D-Dean, I-- I'm g-gonna..." He moaned out panting. Dean nipped at Cas's neck. "Go ahead babe, cum for me...cum in my hand."  
  
Castiel panted a little more and with one more long stroke of Dean his cum was spilling out.  
  
He panted and instantly cupped Dean's jawline and passionately kissed him over and over again on the lips.  
  
"I love you." Cas exclaimed in the middle of kissing. "I love you too." He whispered and began to make-out with Cas over and over again.  
  
Castiel began to make out with Dean with lust in the air. He took Dean's shirt off with no flaw.  
  
Dean kissed Cas over and over again on the lips. Cas pushed Dean's pants down. He wasn't wearing any boxers.  
  
Cas grabbed Dean's throbbing member and started to rub it. "C-Cas!" He moaned as Castiel put pressure on his cock. Castiel kept kissing him only wanting to give pleasure to his lover.  
  
Next thing he was moaning again too. Dean stuck his finger in Cas's tight hole quick and fast taking Cas by surprise.  
  
He fingered in and out of Cas as Cas thrusted his hand through Dean's cock.  
  
Cas soon came between Dean and himself. Dean hit his climax soon after as well.  
  
They laid close together panting in Cas's bed. That's when they heard a knock on the door.  
  
"Oh shit!" Dean yelled grabbing his pants and Cas's sweatpants to put on quickly.  
  
By the time the door opened Cas was still lying in the bed while Dean was standing over him with pants on holding out Cas's.  
  
"Oh my gosh, Dean Winchester!"  
  
It was Jo. "I'll come back later...oh my gosh!" She rushed out the room although she was screaming as if it scared her.  
  
Cas smiled at Dean and got his pants on lying back down on the bed.  
  
Dean wrapped his arm around him and kissed his cheek. "You don't have to worry anymore baby..." Dean whispered.  
  
Cas looked up. "Why?"  
  
"Because we're gonna get out of here soon. I'm going to act well and you're gonna to act well, even if we have to lie to Dr. Master's! I want to get out of here and be with you..." Dean smiled and kissed Cas.  
  
Cas nodded and kissed him back. "But Dean, we're _supposed_ to tell Dr. Master's the truth...for us to get better..."  
  
"Baby, I'll be fine with you..." Dean kissed Cas on the nose and got up.  
  
Cas nodded. Dean _'was'_ the only thing that made Cas happy.  
  
 ** _!@#$%^ &*&^%$#@!@#$%^&^%$#@_**  
  
Later that day Dean and Cas went to their normal spot in the free time area watching yet another crappy TV show.  
  
"Oh my gosh! There you 2 are!" Both Dean's and Cas's head turned to the voice. It was Jo...again.  
  
She slid close to them both on the couch making Castiel tense. Dean rubbed his back; he was letting him know it was safe.  
  
"Dean! Cas! Tell me all about it, oh my gosh!" She shouted. Cas tensed up again and as if he was a turtle went back into his shell. He hid his head in Dean's shoulder.  
  
"Jo, I'm not telling you about mine and Cas's sex life."  
  
"Ha! So you did have sex! You gotta tell me now!" She yelled in excitement.  
  
Dean rolled his eyes and kissed Cas's head.  
  
"Dean you're telling me later...I'll make sure of it!"  
  
"Yeah right!" He laughed and went back to cuddling Cas. "She's gone Cas, you can unbury yourself."  
  
Dean said then hearing light breathing coming from his lips. Dean smiled and moved Cas so his head was on a pillow and the blanket was on him. Dean quietly wrapped his arm around him.  
  
Cas had fallen asleep. 


	38. The Day They Had Been Waiting For...

****_2 months later... The day they had been waiting for.  
_  
"Mr. Winchester, it's been difficult helping you but you are at the weight ready to be discharged."  
  
Dean beamed. "What about Cas?"   
  
"He should be discharged along with you." Dr. Master grinned  "I have already called Mrs. Milligan and she is on her way to pick you up."   
  
Dean ran down the hallway. "Cas!"   
  
He entered the freetime room and he was sitting there on the couch reading his favorite book for the third time. _'The Ousiders'_   
  
He ripped it out of his hand and set it down. "You heard what Dr. Masters said."  
  
Cas smiled and nodded.   
  
"We are well enough to leave." Dean beamed. "I get to see Sammy!"   
  
Cas was smiling wider than Dean had ever seen.   
  
"We have our life back, Cas. Aren’t you excited?"  
  
"I am excited, Dean." Cas said softly.   
  
Dean flopped on the couch and laid his head in Cas lap. "I mean we have been catching up in school and eating but now we can go to school together and hang out together. We can still meet up at the park bench." Dean smiled as Cas ran his fingers through His hair.   
  
"Dean?" He heard. He sat up and Jody was standing at the end of the couch. "You need to pack your things, Kate should be here soon. Same with you, Cas. Your brother, Michael will be here shortly." Jody smiled.   
  
"Thanks Jody." Dean smiled. "I mean it Jody, thank you. For everything."  
  
"It was nothing. It's my job to get you better and that's what I have done." She smiled. "I have other work to be done. So can I walk you two to your room one last time?"  
  
Cas looked over at Dean with a smile. "Do you even have to ask?" Dean replied.   
  
Once in their room Dean and Cas quietly packed. "Cas, why isn't your mom picking you up?"   
  
Cas shrugged. "Probably overslept or something."  
  
"Can I meet your brother Michael?"  
  
Cas tensed. "I--uh--Su--I--" Cas stuttered then ended up nodding.   
  
"What's wrong, Cas?" Dean asked putting his bag on the ground.   
  
Cas shook his head. "I-It's nothing."  
  
"Like hell it's _nothing_." Dean muttered and walked out of the room and down the entrance where Nurse Ruby was standing.   
  
"Dean, it's been great listening to you sing. I'm gonna miss it." She hugged him.   
  
"I'll try to come and visit with Jo some time."   
  
"You better, _Winchester_." She smiled. "Dr. Masters wanted to talk to you before you leave."  
  
Dean nodded and looked outside and saw Sammy. Sam didn't see him. He looked around and saw Dr. Masters walked over to him.   
  
"I wanted to tell you that don't let your past control you. The only thing that can do that is you. No one should say that you aren’t good enough, Dean."  
  
"Thanks, Dr. Masters." Dean smiled. He turned and Cas stood there sheepish. "Cas, I'm sorry for what I said. I just really want to meet your family."  
  
Cas nodded. "Goodbye, Castiel." Meg smiled and waved.   
  
They walked out together holding hands. Dean dragged Cas over to Sam. "Sammy!" He yelled flinging himself at his little brother.   
  
"Dean!" Sammy smiled. "I knew Cas was someone more than a friend."   
  
"Let's just not let Dad find out." Dean whispered in Sam's ear.   
  
"Castiel!" Dean heard. He looked over and saw blonde haired tall man no older than 20 walked toward him and Cas.   
  
"You must be Michael." Dean beamed. He held out his hand towards the older guy. "I'm Dean."   
  
"I remember Dr. Master asking about a Dean in one of Cas's family session. How do you know Castiel?"  
  
"School." Dean answered.   
  
"Are you two friends?"  
  
"More than friends." Dean said snaking a hand around Cas's waist.   
  
"Oh really, well, he'll have to see you later because we have to get home." Michael smiled.   
  
Dean kissed Cas and walked back over to Sammy. "Bye Cas." He waved.   
  
Dean hopped into the 1967 black Chevy Impala that John was going to give him. Kate was driving. "Hey Dean. You look good, sweetie."  
  
"Thanks." Dean took a deep breath of the fresh air and polyester of the Impala.   
  
"You hungry? Sammy and I didn't know if you wanted anything to eat when we picked you up."   
  
"Nah, not hungry, we had lunch before we left." Dean _lied_. They actually left right before lunch started.   
  
"Ok, it's good having you back, Dean. Sammy fixed up your room just the way you would like it. He worked hard on it."   
  
Dean smiled. "Thanks Sammy."

                                                                                                ***


	39. This is What I Deserve...

Castiel got into the car just getting his seatbelt on when the yelling began.   
  
"That place was supposed to make you _better_!" Michael yelled starting the car making sure Dean was nowhere near.  
  
"I knew Gabriel would screw up or even Luci but you? I'd never think you would. Mom said that place was gonna help you!"   
  
Castiel continued to look out of the window not speaking a word. "You gonna talk to me because that place was supposed to help that too?"   
  
Castiel looked out the window thinking about Dean _. 'Remember Dean still loves you...'_ He thought to himself.  
  
"That place didn't help you at all...it-- it just made you worst!" Michael yelled almost to their house.   
  
As soon as the car parked Castiel rushed out of the car, walking to door hoping it'd be unlock; it wasn't.  
  
"Everyone's home...Mom has been in bed for like the past week...you know how it is..." He sighed and opened the door. Castiel tried to push through quicker than Michael but his brother was much stronger.  
  
"No, you're not going anywhere Cas. If you want to be fruity than you can tell everyone else." He said grabbing Castiel by the arm and making him sit on the couch.   
  
The family was already walking down the stairs ready for Cas's return. "Cas!" Anna yelled running down the stairs with her arms out.

 

"Anna stop!" Michael yelled making her freeze giving him a confusing look.  
  
"What's the problem with hugging my brother I haven't seen in over 6 months?" She remarked with an attitude.   
  
"Because...Because he might tell ya something or touch you...I-I don't know how these people are like..." Michael tripped over his words as he talked.   
  
"What the hell are you talking about Michael? Are you going insane?" Gabriel shouted walking over to Cas and sitting by him. Castiel was hiding his face. _'Dean understands...Dad was wrong they were sad without me...Gabriel not going to care that you're in love with Dean...'_ Cas thought.  
  
"Well, Castiel why don't you tell everyone what happened in there. You surely didn't get better."   
  
Castiel sat looking down at his feet. "I can tell he has got better. Cas, lift up your shirt." Gabriel said.   
  
Castiel did as he was told. He had only eaten breakfast that day so his stomach was a bit flat but not as much as it used to be.  
  
"See...barely helped him there!" Michael shouted. "Michael, that's a huge improvement!" Anna exclaimed.   
  
"That's--" Michael rubbed his head before letting it all spill. "He's fucking gay!" He yelled out slamming his fist into the table. Everyone froze. The family was strict Christian so sex wasn't but just so horrible but being gay was like a crim.   
  
Gabriel was the only one that stayed by Cas's side. "Is-- is that true Cas?" Balthazar asked backing up.   
  
Castiel just sat there looking at the floor. _'Dad was right...They're better off without me...'  
_  
"Is it fucking true Castiel?!" Balthazar screamed.   
  
Castiel just sat not saying a word. There was a loud smash as Lucifer threw something at the wall. "Fucking hell!" Balthazar yelled walking around in circles.   
  
Anna just ran up to Michael who was rubbing his head as if he had a headache.   
  
The only person that didn't say a word was Gabriel. Gabriel rubbed Castiel back. If only that had been enough.  
  
 _'Dad was all right... They're happy and better without me. They don't need me...only Dean cares about me...'  
_  
Castiel broke and ran for it. "Cas!" Gabriel yelled out.   
  
"NO! DAD WAS RIGHT! YOU ALL _HATE_ ME! YOU'RE ALL BETTER OFF _WITHOUT_ ME, YOU'RE HAPPY WITHOUT ME!" Castiel shouted rushing out the front door barefooted.  
  
He looked behind him seeing a glimmer of Gabriel. He had stopped at the door. Castiel ran farther to a place he hadn't been in a long time.   
  
_'Gabriel doesn't care either...'_ He thought as he kept running. His feet where burning from the hard rocky ground.   
  
His vision was blurry so he couldn't see much. Plus it was dark. He finally made it there within 10 minutes.   
  
He went to the place him and Dean always went; the park. It was the only place he could think happily. He could be with Dean without being judge.   
  
Castiel laid down on the bench. He was freezing cold. _'I deserve it...I'm a disgrace to my family...'_ He thought to himself.   
  
He was only wearing some sweatpants that where lighter and a light weight white t-shirt.   
  
He wiped his face off; the tears making him colder. He grabbed his knees and closed his eyes shaking from the cold.   
  
It was probably only 40 degrees- if even that. He wished Dean was there to cuddle him that night like he always did.   
  
Dean was Cas's blanket. He was his drug to live and his only chance to be happy.   
  
He closed his eyes again tears getting cold on his cheeks.   
  
2 hours past and he still wasn't asleep.  He felt himself getting a fever and knew he probably could get really sick from laying out in the cold.   
  
The temperature was only getting colder as the night went on. He had found a tiny spot that was warmer than the rest. About 10 degrees from an almost working heater in the bathroom across the street.   
  
It was still about 40 degrees. He shivered and opened and closed his eyes. The tears where gone.   
  
Castiel laid there not getting one bit of sleep. It was 8:00 am. He felt sick, cold, and scared.   
  
He didn't sleep that whole night. _'I deserve this...this is what I deserve...'_  
  


                                                                                                ***


	40. He Was Alone...

“Dean, wake up, breakfast is ready.” Kate called from downstairs. “Sam, can you go get your brother.”

Sam darted up the stairs. “De? You up? Kate fixed your favorite; pancakes with chocolate syrup and whipped cream.”

Dean was sitting on his bed. He hadn’t slept. He couldn’t. He had to get his plan perfect. He had to make himself right for John. It was clear to him that John only beat him because he wasn’t perfect. Sammy was perfect. He stayed up all night planning it out.

_‘No, pancakes and chocolate…that’s the definition of fat. You have to start being more careful. You can’t let them no. They will just send you back. They will take you away from Cas. Cas...He would crash and burn. Watch yourself. You’re fat. You’re not good enough. This is why John is in jail. You useless son of a bitch.’_

“I’m not hungry.” Dean looked up at Sam, who was propping in the doorway.

“You look horrible, Dean. Are you ok?”

“I’m hanging in there, Sammy. Getting back into the real world is a little rough. I didn’t get much sleep.”

“But it’s your favorite? I made Kate fix it because I knew that should be your first meal.”

_‘Give him an excuse. Fake puke. Anything. You can’t eat those empty carbs. If the rehab center gave it to you for food then it makes you fat. Pancakes were served every Tuesday and Thursday. They are a no go. Make yourself get sick. Convince Sam that you aren't feeling good after transitioning to the “real” world.’_

“Say something, Dean. You have been staring at me for a while. Are you sure you are ok?” Sam said walking over to Dean.

Dean shook his head and covering his mouth with his hand. He scrambled off the bed and darted to the bathroom and slammed the door. He shoved his fingers down his throat. He coughed. “Come on.” He gagged and felt tears bubble up in his eyes. _‘Cas did this so easily. Just go deeper. Sammy, Sammy can’t know my lie.’_

He plunged his fingers as far as he could down his throat until everything in his stomach came shooting out. “Oh God.” Dean whimpered as he wiped his fingers on his pants. He heard Sam knocking on the door.

He hadn’t realized that he broke out in a sweat. A glob of spit hung out of mouth and slid off his lip. He spit into the toilet and flushed. _‘Cas would be proud of you. You did the right thing. Never make yourself do that again. You’re done with that. That was just an extreme emergency situation. You. Don’t. Need. That.’_

Sam opened the door. “Dean?”

“Sorry, Sammy. I’m just not feeling too great.” Dean stood up on shaky legs.

“No, it’s ok. Go get some rest.” Sam nodded.

Dean crawled back into his bed and curled up and hid the smile on his face as Sam left the room. He sat up and pulled out his notebook he had and wrote out his plan.

_‘Meet Cas tomorrow…Sunday…at the park bench. You need to be perfect. John will accept you then. Even if he can’t see him.’_

Dean laid down and closed his eyes. He somehow fell asleep. He drifted to sleep. He dreamed about being perfect.

_Cas and him were on a beach. They were alone. It was a picnic. Cas was absolutely stunning. He was smiling. “It’s a beautiful day, Dean.”_

_“You look beautiful.” Dean smiled._

_“I wish I could say the same, Dean. You’re not perfect. I thought you were supposed to get better after Shady Acres. Now you are back to your old ways. You will never be good enough for me or John.” Cas’s emotion changed._

_“Cas? What are you talking about? I’m just fine.” Dean shook his head._

_“I only latched on to you because I needed something to make me feel better. I used you to get the courage to stand up to my family. You are nothing to me. You were never anything to me. I only use that pathetic anxious nervous wreck to get pity. I never loved you. You’re just a game piece.” Cas kept going._

_“Cas, this isn’t you. Baby, I love you and I would die for you in a minute.” Dean replied getting closer to him._

_“NO, get away from me. You’re nothing to me. You’re dying. You’re gonna die. You are getting worse. I do not and have never loved you.”_

_“No, Cas, don’t say that.” Dean yelled._

_“I hate you. You are gonna die alone.”_

“NO!” Dean shot up into consciousness. He was covered in sweat. He removed the sheet on his bed. There was a dark patch in his boxers that spread onto his sheets. “No…No, no, no.”

Panic started to bubble up in his head. _‘Dad is going to kill him. He hadn’t wet the bed since he was five, after a nightmare about Mom’s death. John spanked that out of you. How could you make yourself even less of a man? You’re a boy. A useless, good for nothing, not even a good little soldier. You are a child who wet the bed.’_

Kate ran into the room. “Dean?” Dean looked at the clock and found it was 5 in the evening.

Dean was wide eyed and panting. He quickly covered his lower half to hide from Kate. “No, Kate, please, go away.”

“Dean, you were screaming. You’re as white as a sheet and shaking.” Kate walked over to Dean.

Tears rolled down Dean’s face. “I’m sorry, Kate.”

“Why are you sorry?” Kate moved the hair from Dean’s face.

He closed his eyes and slowly moved the sheet revealing the soiled bed sheets. “I’m such a loser.”

“Aw, sweetie, that’s ok. After hearing those kind of screams I would expect more than this.” Kate took Dean’s hand. “How about you go take a shower and I’ll change your sheets.”

Dean nodded. Half an hour later he was dressed and Kate had loaded the soaked sheet in the washer and was walking out of Dean’s room when he was getting back into bed. “Kate?”

Dean blushed. “Can…Can you stay with me until I fall asleep?”

Kate smiled. “Of course.”

She walked over to Dean’s bed and sat down propping against the bedpost and crossing her legs at the ankles. Dean scooted down in the fresh covers and laid his head down gently in Kate’s lap and brought a hand up to his face and laid it softly on his jean clad leg. He closed his eyes as she slowly ran her fingers through his hair. “I’m sorry I told you, you would never be my mom.” Dean blurted out in a soft whisper.

“Shh, Dean, rest. You had every right to tell me that. I’m not trying to replace your Mom. I’m trying to be the closest thing to your mom; the second best. Tomorrow you can start an actual day awake and with people then the next day you will start your first day back at school.”

Dean breathed in the smell of Kate’s jeans. She smelt nice; comforting; safe. As Kate ran one hand through his hair she tapped lightly on his hip and hummed a very familiar song; Smoke on the Water.

He finally understood why John like her so much. Dean smiled and started to slowly drifted into unconsciousness. “Thank you.” He mumbled.

“For what?” Kate replied softly knowing he was losing the battle to stay awake.

“Being here with me.” Dean’s eyes fully closed. He didn’t hear Kate’s response but he could dream. He dreamt of kissing Cas on the park bench. He dreamt of watching Sammy grow up, get married and having a family. It was a peaceful dream. He wished it would never end.

_But it did that morning. He was alone…just like dream Cas said… **He was alone…**_

***


	41. Take me away...

 

                Cas rubbed his eyes. It was still 8:00 am. He hadn’t slept in a little over 24 hours now, and was so tired; sleep was very important to Cas.

                He was cold, the sun only bringing a little more warmth in the winter air. He shivered almost seeing his breath in front of him. Castiel had never stayed up for 24 hours straight before. It usually was easy for him to sleep, but he couldn’t sleep now.

                He didn’t have anything. He didn’t have anyone in his family anymore, he didn’t even know if he had his lover. After another 3 hours of waiting there was still no Dean. Castiel thought he was all alone. ‘ _No one likes you Cas…You deserve to die out here…you deserve to be sick and feel bad; after all you’re a disgrace to everyone, aren’t you?’_ He thought to himself.

                He felt horrible. The cold air and the lack of clothes keeping him from it was getting to him. He could feel himself getting sicker and sicker. ‘ _I’m not going back…no matter how cold it is…I’m not going back…’_ He thought.

                His head was hot but he shivered at the same park bench. The bench was a little warmer than the ground. He was still barefooted but tried to cover his feet up with the ends of his sweatpants. He laid down on the bench. The park was pretty much abandoned; he had only seen Dean here. No one else ever had come into his sight coming to the park.

                His stomach ached with all the mucus draining down his now sore throat. He wrapped his arms around his stomach as if the pressure helped.

                ‘ _Maybe sleeping would help…’_ He thought and closed his eyes tight. Hours went on and he still had gotten no sleep. His shiver only got worse, the sick feeling he had was exploding at the minutes. His head was hurting, nose was stuffy, throat was sore, and his stomach was killing him.

                His skin was cold and pale, making him shiver more and more. If he tried to walk he’d lose his balance from lack of sleep and being too cold. His body was trying it’s hardest to go to sleep but he couldn’t.

                ‘ _I need Dean…’_ He thought over and over again. His stomach growled at him like a dog that was anger. ‘ _I don’t deserve food…I don’t even deserve this bench…’_ He looked down at the bench and nodded. Slowly, he stood up. It made his head spin and throb until he no control other than the fall over onto the ground.

                The ground was freezing; it made sense, hot did rise not cold. He laid there with his eyes wide up, unable to sleep. ‘ _Maybe I’ll die of hypothermia…’_ He thought, smiling. ‘ _Maybe someone will find me…’_

He was on the ground the whole day until human urges called. He’d get up and stubble. Cas was smart, he knew these were signs of hypothermia; the constant confusion, the lost of balance, even the constant urge to pee.

                The fact that he was shivering rapidly was another sign. He also knew he was having sign of a cold or even the flu. He had a sore throat, stuffed-up nose, runny nose, bad headaches, and aches and pains everywhere. Worst of all, his stomach was like a merry-go-round and wouldn’t stop spinning.

                Sometimes his eyes would get teary and he’d breakdown. ‘ _No one likes you Cas…no one is here for you anymore Cas…’_ He could see his breath as he thought to himself.

                His shivers would literally start making him shake and cough. He had nothing on his stomach so all he would do is dry-heave. He’d smile knowing he didn’t have to do it himself. He was sick and it would just happen.

                Castiel didn’t care. ‘ _Let me die here alone…no one cares…’_ He thought getting teary again. ‘ _Dean was just using you…He hasn’t been here all day, has he? No, he hasn’t. He just wanted you to get better. He never loved you, he was like everyone else. He will bully you like everyone else has to you. He lied. **No one cares about stupid little Cas.** ’ _

                He bounced up and down on his feet, tears rolling down his face. ‘ _Everyone has left you and you know exactly why! It’s because you’re a horrible person and deserve **nothing.** You deserve **nothing at all.** No one will ever care about you and you know it. Everyone knows it. You’re **nothing.** ’_

Soon it was dark again and colder than the night before. It felt about 30 degrees to Cas. He was getting teary from how cold it was. His stomach gave a violent shake making him dry heave. ‘ _You can’t do this Cas…You have to go back…’_ He thought, shaking his head.

                He wasn’t going to go back no matter what. ‘ _Make it stop!’_ He yelled inside his head coughing, a dry, dry cough into the air. His breathing was getting heavy and his head was pounding. He hadn’t slept in over 35 hours. He felt crazy.

                There was a blur of a tall man in plaid. “D-d-d-d-ea-a-an?!” Castiel yelled. The wind blow and the blur was gone. Cas was seeing things. He was screaming in his head. ‘ _I just want to go…’_ He thought sobbing.

                8:00 am the next morning came around. 48 hours of no sleep. No one had came looking for him, and no one was there.

                ‘ _Take me away…please just take me away…’_ He thought.


	42. You Weren't There For Him...

Dean padded down the stairs. He was fully dressed. He opened the front door. “Dean?”

He stopped in the doorway. “Yeah?”

“Where are you going so early, sweetie?” Kate asked.

“I was gonna head to the park for a little while.” Dean played with the door knob.

“You haven’t eaten breakfast.” Kate said pointing towards the kitchen. _‘Give a valid excuse. Say you are meeting Cas at the park and getting breakfast.’_

“Um, yeah, Me and Cas had planned to meet in the park every chance we could. I was gonna meet him and we were going to have breakfast with him.” Dean lied through his teeth.

“Promise me to stay warm. It’s cold out and I don’t need you to miss any more school.”

“Alright, Kate.” Dean nodded and shut the door and began to jog towards the park.

_‘You did good, but not good enough. She’s gonna get suspicious if you keep lying. You have to actually look like you have eaten’_

The cold wind air flew into his eyes and they watered up. His throat was dry and his lung began to burn. He saw his park bench. They was a body lying on the bench. He sprinted towards it getting angry. That was his and Cas’s bench. As he quickly grew closer, he realized that it was Cas.

“Cas?” Dean yelled.

He body flinched and quickly sat up. He looked panicked but calmed when his and Dean’s eyes connected. “D-D-D-D-Dean.” Cas shivered.

Dean rushed over and wrapped his arms around Cas. “Are you ok, Cas? You’re freezing. How long have you been out here?” Dean pulled him as close as possible.

“A-A-A-All n-n-n-night.” Cas shivered. “F-F-For two d-d-days.”

“Cas, baby, you’re freezing.” Dean pulled off his leather jacket.

“N-N-N-No, I d-d-don’t need it.” Cas tried to push away.

“No, you are wearing it and we are going to Kate’s house.” Dean said sliding Cas’s arms into the sleeves. Cas took a few steps and was putting all of his weight on Dean. “Nope, you can’t walk.”

Dean lifted him up into his arms. He walked down the street. Cas’s eyelids drooped heavily. Dean didn’t know if he was suffering hyperthermia or the flu or just exhaustion. _‘You didn’t show up yesterday. You would have found him earlier. He wouldn’t be this way.’_

“No, no, no. Keep your eyes open, baby. Please, stay awake until My…Kate’s house. Stay awake.”

Dean began to rush towards Kate’s house. He kicked at the front door. “Open up! Open up! Kate! Sammy! Open up! Hurry!” Dean yelled. He looked down at Cas. “Cas, baby, just a little longer, honey.”

The door opened but there was no Sam or Kate. It was Adam. “De?” He asked standing in the doorway staring at the man in Dean’s arm.

“Adam, get your Mommy, now.” Dean asked as calmly as he could.

“Mommy!” Adam squealed.

“What? What?” Kate asked walking into the room.

“Help him. Help Cas.” Dean begged walking towards Kate, basically throwing the smaller man in Kate’s arms.

“Oh my God.” Kate gasped. “Castiel? Are you awake, sweetie?”

Cas hummed in mere consciousness.

“We are going to get you warmed up, sweetie.” Kate said gently putting the man back into Dean’s arms. “Follow me into my bathroom. I’m going to start a warm bath. We don’t want him to go into shock but we need to warm him up.”

Dean dashed up the stairs behind Kate. She stated the water and tested the temperature. “Kate, what do I do?”

“Get him out of those clothes.” Kate demanded.

Dean began to strip him free from his clothes as the tub began to fill. “Cas, we are going to get you better.” Dean ran his fingers through Cas’s hair. “You’re going to be ok.”

Kate placed a hand on Dean’s shoulder. “Dean, I’m going to need you to go downstairs. Keep Sam and Adam from coming up here.”

“No, I can’t leave him.” Dean replied wide eyed.

“Dean, you’re feeling are getting in the way of me helping him. I’m a nurse. I can help him, now, go look after your brother and half-brother.”

_‘Cas is gonna die because of you. Everything that bad that ever happens in your life is all because of you.’_

Dean walked down the stairs. “De?” Adam came running towards him. Dean lifted the boy into his arms.

“What’s wrong, Adam?”

“Who dat guy?”

“That…” Dean paused seeing Sam walk into the kitchen. Dean followed. “That was my boyfriend, Castiel.”

“What’s wrong with Castiel?” Sam asked as Dean entered the kitchen.

“I found Cas in the park freezing. It looked like he had been there for days.” Dean said setting Adam in his chair. “Come on, Adam. I’m gonna fix you some lunch.”

“I’s want mac’n’cheese.” Adam squealed.

“We got any of that here, Sammy?” Dean tried to smile.

“I think so. I can make it, Dean. You want any?”

Dean smiled. _‘Come on, Dean. You have to show Sam you are better. Eat the damn macaroni and run all of it off later.’_

“Sure, Sammy, that was be great. I’m not that hungry because of the drama going on with my boyfriend, but I could eat some.”

It was difficult but once the meal was served and they got through it without any suspicion. Sam finished first and went off to hi room and Dean gave the rest of his food to Adam. He had only taken a few bites. _‘You did good, Dean, but you could have done better.’_

“Dean, I finish.” Adam ordered.

“Alright, buddy.” Dean smirked as Kate walked into the kitchen.

“Dean?”

“Yeah?”

“Cas is back to normal temperature. It would surprise me if he has a nasty cold later. He’s asleep in the guest bedroom.” Kate lifted Adam out of his chairs. “Before he conked out he told me that he hadn’t really slept in 48 hours. I told him he was safe here and you would be here when he wakes up.”

“Thanks, Kate.” Dean nodded.

“Dean, I’m glad you came to me for help.” Kate smiled as Adam snuggled into her.

“I knew you were a nurse and I didn’t want to take Cas back to a hospital. Not again.”

“Anyway, I’m still proud of you. He should be fine.”

Dean nodded. His smile faltered and looked down at the ground. _‘He’s gonna be fine, Dean. But it’s still all **your fault** ’_

***


	43. I know Cas...I know.

 

                Castiel woke up in a haze. He was warm…almost too warm as he felt himself breaking a sweat. He opened his eyes and didn’t know where he was. His eyes were wide and he sat up quickly. Next thing he knew he was only seeing black dots across his vision, a massive headache spawning with it.

                “Cas, baby, it’s okay! It’s just the guest room.” He heard from the other side of him. It was obvious that it was Dean, making Cas calm down instantly. He grabbed at his forehead, the sudden headache overwhelming him.

                He felt a hand wrap around him as he was beginning to get his vision back from the massive head rush. Cas shut his eyes, his hand still on his head as it was pounding. He looked over his shoulder and saw Dean smiling wide at him.

                “How you feeling, Cas?” He asked patting his shoulder. Cas closed his eyes and swallowed his spit, seconds later coughing as if his throat was as dry as the desert. Dean leaned over Cas and gave him a cup of water. His coughing continued so Dean patted his back.

                “Here’s some water, baby.” Dean calmly said. Cas keep it in his hand which was shaking, and sweaty. He looked horrible. Sweat covered him head to toe, he had dark, dark bags under his eyes, and if you heard him talk, you’d think he had been sick for months.

                He sipped water down his throat, only to cough and spit on the covers. “S-sorry…” He hoarsely said. “No Cas, baby, its fine. Don’t strain your voice. Try and drink some more water.” Dean said, kissing Cas’s forehead and grabbing the cup of water again. “Oh Cas, you’re burning up!” He frowned.

                “I think you got a fever.” He said as calmly as possible. Castiel knew he wasn’t calm at all though, he knew Dean was worried about him. ‘ _Cas, how stupid were you to think Dean didn’t care about you…You could have died…You just have to ask to stay here and everything will be okay.’_ He thought to himself.

                “I’ll be right back honey; I’m going to go ask Kate if you could take anything for that fever.” Dean said with a clearly fake smile. ‘ _You had Dean worried sick Cas, how could you do that to the only person that loves you? You shouldn’t deserve him. You deserve dirt and death and yet he saved you? Why would he save someone like you?’_

Castiel looked out the window, rubbing the back of his neck. You could see the road that lead down to the park and the road that soon would turn into the street Cas lived on. ‘ _I’m never going back there…I’m never seeing them again…no one cares about you Cas…Their nothing to you now, only Dean.’_

He started coughing loudly and rapidly. ‘ _You got yourself really sick…What were you thinking? Oh yeah…you wanted to die out there! How selfish of you? Dean would have died without you. Just like your Dad, you selfish bastard…’_

He turned his head and Dean was suddenly in front of him. He wondered how long had zoned out for. “Here Cas, this should help you out.” Dean said with a slight smile; he must have said that at least 5 times before Cas noticed.

                Cas held out his hand and Dean gave him 2 large pills. He grabbed that water shaking and globed down the 2 pills and water, only coughing a but afterwards. “Cas, do you want to tell what happened that made you go out and about _kill yourself_?”

                Cas frowned and looked up at Dean with eyes of complete wary emotion. “I’m sorry,” He breathed in a heavy breath, “Dean.”

                   “Were you planning on— on _killing yourself Cas?_ ” Dean asked shyly with his emerald green eyes glimmering like they were the prettiest jewel in the world. Cas looked down and swallowed his spit from the back of his throat. “Cas, you weren’t…were you?” He asked again in a different form. Cas looked up his face telling him everything. ‘ _I’m sorry…’_ He thought, he’s mind not letting the words fall out.  

                Dean sighed knowing the answer. Cas didn’t even try to look Dean in the face again for he knew it would be a face of true horror and disappointment. “Was it your family?” Dean asked seeming to be angry with Cas. Cas nodded.

                “Dammit Cas! As soon as you’re better we are fixing this! We’re going to go back there and straighten them up!” He shouted his hand slamming into the covers of the bed. “N-no Dean, y-y-you can-can’t!” Cas shouted falling apart. “They’ll tear you apart…” He mumbled his voice getting quieter and quieter as he talked.

                “No, Cas! We’re doing this no matter what happens!” Dean shouted. “Cas, I love you…I need you. They’re—they’re killing you! They’re hurting you and I just can’t take it!” He cried out, looking straight down at Cas.

                Cas shook his head and put his hands on his face. “D-Dean they’ll h-h-hurt you t-too!” Cas shouted. “Cas…” Dean’s voice turned calm. Cas’s soft hiccups and coughing filling his ears. “Cas, look at me…” Dean said touching his wet cheek.

                Cas looked up, the blue of his iris meeting Dean’s green. “Cas, it’s going to be okay…I promise. We’re going to make it through together, okay?”

                Cas nodded and brought his face onto Dean’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, Dean…” He mumbled again, hanging on him with his arms wrapped around. “It’s okay…” Dean repeated over and over again into Cas’s ear. Cas’s nose was running and his sweat was all over Dean, but Dean didn’t care.

                “I love you too Dean…” Cas said aloud realizing he hadn’t said it back. Dean smiled down at him. “I know Cas…I know.”

* * *

 

                 Cas woke up the next day in the same bed. It was really late in the day, about 2:30 PM. He heard the guest bedroom door open a bit and a smaller boy with brown hair and green eyes looked at him. “Oh, sorry…I didn’t mean to wake you.” The boy said walking in and shutting the door behind him as he came into the room.

                “Kate told me to give you some food…so, I figured I’d just leave it here.” He said with a plate in his hand. Cas smiled; it must have been Sam. He had the same green eyes and tall body frame like Dean. He seemed more innocent though, as if he was afraid of losing everything just by coming into a room uninvited.

                “Y-You’re S-Sam?” Cas asked timidly in a mumble. Sam nodded. “Dean’s told you about me?” He asked almost as shy as Cas. Cas nodded. “He…he talks about y-you all th-the time.” Cas tried to say without a stutter only to fail. Sam smiled and sat the food down. “You’re Castiel?”

                He nodded. “You’re Dean’s boyfriend?” Sam asked smirking. Castiel blushed and was too shy too come out and say yes. “It’s okay, I know.” Sam laughed it off.

                Castiel looked up at the boy. He could tell he was going to grow up to be like Dean; at least everything good in Dean.

                Cas must have zoned out because next thing he knew Sam was gone. It was a Monday…Dean was at school, without him. Cas sighed. ‘ _I hope he is okay…’_


	44. His Downward Spiral

Dean was nervous to say the least. It was his first day back to school in 6 months. Kate drove him to school and he just tried to remember his old routine. This time there was no Cas.

He walked into the building and straight to his locker. He grabbed the book that hadn’t been touched in months. He was caught up on all of his work and kept up his grades.

He sat down at his normal seat in his first period. He looked around and people were smiling. They were glancing at him and saying hi to him. It was unnerving. The late bell rang and the teacher stepped into front of the room. “Happy Monday to you all; I have some good news to share with all of you.”

Mrs. Rosen smiled and looked at Dean. _‘Oh God, Dean. You have been trying to avoid confrontation with all your teachers in all your classes. You haven’t done anything wrong yet. Hell, you’ve only been here for 30 minutes.’_ He sat there staring wide eyed at the teacher in confusion.

“We are glad to have Dean back here with us today.” She smiled. “Care to come to the front of the class and tell us about your experience about where you were.”

“No, I’m good.” Dean shook his head, looking around the room at the many facing staring at him just as curious as Mrs. Rosen was.

“Come on, Losechester. Where were you? We have been dying to know if you were in rehab or in jail for selling yourself on the streets.” Gordon blurted out.

“Enough, Gordon.”

“No, Ms. Rosen. It’s fine.”

“Well, can you at least tell us where you were? Yu can leave out all the personal stuff.” She egged on.

Dean closed his eyes. He shook his head. “No, it’s all personal.”

“Did you rob a gas station for your little baby brother, losechester?” Gordon remarked.

“Enough, Gordon.” Mrs. Rosen said sternly.

“Come on, Dean. Tell the class where you were for over half the year.” Alastair egged on for the Hell of it.

“I said that’s enough. Now let’s get to our actual lesson.” Mrs. Rosen scolded and started teaching.

The rest of the day was similar to that. Any of the classic bully had a crack at Dean. It wasn’t until after school that they all ganged up and sought out Dean. He was walking home when Alastair came up behind him and threw him to the ground. He was pinned down by Crowley and Gordon whereas Alastair, Uriel, Dick Roman were standing above him.

“Here’s how it’s going to go. You’re going to tell me where you were all this time. Where’s the hell is _Asstiel_? Or I will beat it out of you.” Alastair growled pulling at the collar of Dean’s shirt, forcing his chest to elevate.

Dean stared at Alastair then whispered. “Then beat me up…cause I’m not tellin’ you _shii—“_ Dean then received a punch to the face.

“I know you know where Castiel is.” Alastair prepared for another smack down. “I know you are gay for him. Tell me or taste me fist!”

Dean swallowed hard. “They taste like moron.”

Alastair punched again. “You’re a fag and love stupid, lonely, physco maniac’s like Castiel.” Alastairs laughed making the others laugh. “That makes you a double threat, faggot.”

Dean pulled himself closer to Alastair’s face with blood dripping off his lip and showing on his teeth. _“Fuck You._ ” Dean muttered then spat in Alastair’s face.

Alastair kept punching Dean repeated five more times then stood. He stared down at Dean’s bloody, yet still conscious face and smiled. “Why don’t you just kill yourself to save yourself from embarrassment?”

The gang ran off and Dean just lay there until he knew they were gone. Salty tear ran down his face and burned on his lips, nose, and left cheekbone as he sat up. He rose to his feet and looked at his hands. They were shaking vigorously. One part low blood sugar, one part fear, and one part anger/sadness. He jogged home and flung the front door opened and darted to the guest room where Cas was sleeping when he left for school.

Cas was awake and reading his favorite book once again. _The Outsiders_. Dean basically threw himself onto the bed and ripped the book out of Cas’s hand and collapsed into Cas’s chest. He sobbed hard into Cas’s chest. He felt Cas tense in shock then relax. Arms wrapped around him and he felt finger ran through his hair.

He gripped Cas’s shirt tightly and plastered his face to Cas’s chest for dear life. He was hyperventilating, he was sobbing so hard. He felt Cas slowly drag his nails lightly over Dean’s back and felt Cas’s cheek on the top of his head.

Dean franticly searched for one of Cas’s head and he sat up. Cas’s plain white tee had red blood stains and wet from tears, snot, and drool from Dean’s open mouth sobbing. Cas was wide eyed. It took Cas a second to recover after seeing Dean’s face the way it was and the fact that Dean was mid-breakdown. “Cas, you’re—you’re not a stupid, lonely, physco maniac. You are the most—beautiful, passionate, kind person I have ever met. Don’t let other people tell you differently.” Dean hiccupped.

Cas nodded and slowly wiped tears flowing from Dean’s eyes but coming to no avail. “Dean, wha-what happened today?”

Dean choked out a whimpered. _‘Dean, you are completely shutting down in front of your boyfriend. Get out of there, now. Go on a run, skip dinner, go to sleep, skip breakfast, go to school, miss lunch, come home and repeat, now!’_

“People are cruel.” Dean managed to choke out.

Cas quickly pulled Dean close. Dean’s head was right under Cas’s chin. “Everything gonna be ok, Dean.” Cas whispered then kissed Dean’s head.

“I love you, Cas.” Dean hiccupped.

“I love you too, Dean.” Cas replied as he got Dean to laid down on his side.

Dean was never one for being spooned. The last time he was the one being spooned was at the hospital after one of his breakdowns that didn’t lead him to solitary confinement.

Last time him being spooned it ended with him storming out and angry. Both times he was glad it was Cas spooning him. Cas’s feverish body warmed him up nicely. He tucked his arms under Dean’s arms and laced their fingers together. Dean felt safe in Cas’s arms. All of his angry and weariness rolled off and the toll of exhaustion crashed into Dean and he passed out in Cas’s arms.

                                                                                ***


	45. Losing My Religion

Cas woke up that Tuesday morning with Dean gone and off to school. He heard the house and it seemed quite as if no one was home. That was until he heard a little boy, yelling for his mother. Cas decided to stay quite. He could tell he still had a fever although he felt much better; must have been the medicine talking.

                He had lost the stuffed and running nose and his headache. The only thing that was still there was his stomach that was in knots from the fear, stress and sickness he had been feeling. His throat was tried. Cas remember the longest he’d gone without talking; it was 9 months and his throat felt the same, maybe a little drier. It was the first month of middle school. All the kids in his class laughed and teased at him for wearing his same old trench-coat.

                He stopped talking that whole year until he found a friend at the end of the year named Hael. She ended up ditching him the next year for a boy. Cas didn’t get another friend again until Dean.

                He sat with Gabriel his whole 6th grade year and sat with Anna his whole 7th. He was left alone in his 8th which was the worst year for him. He got the most bullying because a kid tricked him. The boy he had liked asked him out; Crowley. It all ended up being a trick to see if Cas was gay. He obviously was and was bullied and beaten the whole year.

                Hael and her friends had found out and told everyone at school. Cas didn’t talk at all that year either. His Mother had hit her downfall with a long-term sickness that was still undiagnosed to that day. She was at her worst when he was 8th grade. He could blame that for his downfall if he wanted too.

                Castiel shook his head and closed his eyes. ‘ _Don’t think about that…it’s all okay…Dean’s gonna be home soon…as long as he is here everything is going to be okay…’_

                He heard the guest room door open and tiny footsteps coming in. Kate was at the door and the little boy was putting food on the guest bedroom’s bedside table. “‘Ook Mommy! ‘Ook! I’s can get to top of table!” He shouted with the slurred words from his lack of experience from age. “Ssssh Adam, Castiel is sleeping.” She cooed and picked up the small toddler.

                Cas smiled looking out the window with the people by his back. He had always had a sweet spot for little kids, although he never had even held one. He was the youngest in his family and he never visited the rest of the family. He’d only seen babies and toddlers, but never handled them.

                He heard the door shut and turned around to look at the door. Kate was still in the room. “Oh, you’re up? Did he wake you?” She asked sitting on the edge of the bed. Cas shook his head and swallowed his spit in the back of his throat. “That medicine seems to be working for you. You should be good for school tomorrow. Dean will be happy that you’ll be there with him.” Cas looked down and frowned. School…

                ‘ _Don’t worry Cas…Dean will be there for you. Maybe all the bullies have forgotten about you…’_ He thought.

                Kate touched Cas forehead. “Your fever is going down, I can tell. Dean will be home soon, I have to get Sam with Adam. You’ll be okay?” She asked as if he was her son. He nodded. Kate smiled and left the room, getting Adam, and left.

                Cas got out of bed after eating the snack Adam had left him. He went to the guest bathroom and started the water for a bath. He also liked baths rather than showers, although he couldn’t get that often at his own home.

                He stripped his clothes and looked down at himself. He had scares from the glass had been stuck in him when he fell, and scars on his wrist from when it broke. Dean had always been there for him. His other scars where from his Father or when he was a kid. Dean never noticed them.

                Cas slowly got his whole body under the water closing his eyes. He was tall so his feet touched the end of the tiny tub. He let his feet stick out as he closed his eyes and held his breath, gracefully letting his head dip under the water.

                ‘ _Dean is going to get home and be with you Cas…it’ll be okay…’_ He thought. ‘ _He loves you…as long as he is here, you are okay…’_

Cas smiled under the water coming back up for air. He felt like life was turning up for him, at least as long as he stayed with Dean. Dean was his hero, the thing that has keep him safe and alive.

                He slowly sung a song as washed himself in the bathtub.

‘ _Oh life, it's bigger_  
It's bigger than you  
And you are not me  
The lengths that I will go to  
The distance in your eyes  
Oh no, I've said too much  
I've said enough.’

                He washed off with the water and thought of Dean.

‘ _That's me in the corner_  
That's me in the spotlight  
Losing my religion  
Trying to keep up with you  
And I don't know if I can do it  
Oh no, I've said too much  
I haven't said enough.’

                 Cas smiled and finished the chorus as he laid there in silent’s.

‘ _I thought that I heard you laughing_  
I thought that I heard you sing  
I think I thought I saw you try.’

                 The sound of the lovely song spun through his head as he laid in the tub. He didn’t know how long he was in there but he knew Sam had come home. He needed to come out soon. Dean needed him as much as Cas needed Dean.


	46. Staring

Dean came home that next day and instantly slid to the ground propped against the front door. School was harder to deal with now. Sure the actual classes were easy or ok, the people were more aggressive towards him…just because he was friends with Cas. He hated that they thought of him like that. They didn’t know him. Not in the way Dean knew him. They were wrong. They were all wrong.

 

His second day back and on his way home again that day Alastair and his gang built a wall around him and this time it was Gordon who beat the shit out of him. He knew he had a black eye and probably broken if not bruise nose.

 

“Dean? Is that you?” Kate called. Dean kept his head between his knees as she walked over to him. “Sweetie, what are you doing on the ground?”

 

“Can…Can you go away right now?” Dean choked out.

 

“Dean, what’s wrong?” Kate lifted Dean head slowly revealing  his bloody face. “Oh my God, Dean. What happened?”

 

“Nothing, it’s nothing.” Dean tried to sound believable.

 

“Who did this to you?”

 

“It doesn’t matter.”

 

“It doesn’t matter? Like Hell it doesn’t. Go up into my bathroom and wait for me.”

 

“Kate, don’t do anything, please. It will just make things worse.”

 

Dean stood and walked upstairs and Kate cleaned him off and took care of his only bruised nose. Dean went straight to Cas’s room. It scared Cas when Dean shut the door and stormed over to him. “We are going over to your house right now. We are settling this with your family. I love you and I love you being here but not under this circumstances. You ran away. Something in your family is scaring the hell out of you and I don’t like broken families the way yours is.”

 

Cas stared wide eyed. “N-no…i-i-i-can’t. They—They—they hate me, Dean.” Cas stuttered.

“Why would your family hate you?” Dean blurted out. “We are going over to your house now. There’s no getting out of this even if that mean I have to carry you.”

 

Cas nodded begrudgingly. He slowly got out of bed and walked over to Dean. “I love you.” Cas whispered.

 

“I know, baby.” Dean wrapped his arms around Cas and brought him closer. “You’re going to get through this.”

 

Cas looked up at his face. “What—What h-happened, Dean?”

 

“People don’t give a shit about me, Cas.” Dean smirked. Cas pulled away with an expression of pure anger.

 

“No! Don’t say that! You. Are. Amazing. Dean! I give a shit! Sam cares about you! Kate cares about you! I care about you! Don’t ever say that again!” Cas blurted out. There was no hesitation; no stutter…just anger. It scared Dean.

 

Dean didn’t know how to respond because he knew Cas was wouldn’t lie to him but he didn’t believe Cas. He nodded and started walking towards the door. “Come on, we’re going.”

 

Cas followed behind him. ‘Great, Dean. You really fucked up again. Cas is mad at you. He blew up at you because you’re a loser.’

 

It was a quiet walk except for Cas giving directions. They ended up at the front door of the Novak house. Dean bit his lip and looked over at Cas. “Here go nothing.”

 

That’s when he knocked.  

 

* * *

 

**_CAS’S POV_ **

Cas slowly wrapped his arm around Dean’s making Dean look down at him. He smiled, and knocked again when no one answered.

Cas looked down as the door opened seeing feet. He looked higher seeing jeans, then a t-shirt, and the face of Michael staring the couple.

“Castiel!” He shouted with his arms out expecting Cas to come openly. Dean had a sly look at his older brother, almost as if he was saying ‘ _don’t you dare touch him…’_

“Well, why don’t you come in Castiel…let Dean go home his family and have some supper.” Michael vaguely said with an obvious fake smile on his face. Cas looked up at Dean who was motioning Cas in. Cas could see Gabe in the corner of his eye and Balthazar watching TV in den.

“D-Dean, can come t-too.” Cas stuttered, shutting his eyes scared of what may happen. Dean had let Cas all the way in. Castiel stared at Dean, waiting for him to come too. “Cas, we can leave that disgrace outside…” Michael whispered in Cas’s ear.

“HE IS NOT A DISGRACE!” Came out of Cas’s mouth out of nowhere. Everyone’s eyes where wide and stared at the youngest boy. “He is _nothing_ of a disgrace! He is my best friend and boyfriend and I—I love him!”

Michael glared at Cas. “Cas…Cas it’s okay…” Dean whispered and planted a kiss right on Cas’s lips in front of everyone. “Get—Get out!!!” Michael yelled grabbing Cas by the arm and tugging him in. Dean smiled and hung onto Cas’s arm.

“L-let go of me, Michael!” Cas yelled trying to get out of Michael’s grip. Dean glared at Michael for some reason having a smile on his face. “I’ll go Michael…But if Cas tells me anything…I mean anything, you’re going get it.” Michael stared at Dean not letting go of Cas.

“Michael!” They all heard from nowhere; it was Gabriel. “We have been praying for someone to bring Castiel back to us for days…We’re lucky he is alive! We searched everywhere and you’re getting mad at his _only_ friend he has ever had? You’re being the disgrace!” Gabriel yelled. Michael sighed, he knew Cas never had any friends, no matter how much he didn’t want to admit it.

“I’m sorry Dean, but please…the family needs to talk to Cas. Thank you for bringing him back.” Dean rolled his eyes and let go of Cas. Michael sure could put on a show.

“I love you, Cas.” He whispered before letting the door shut on his face. Cas looked around, biting his lip in worry.

The whole family (expect their mom), was staring at them. Anna was the first the break the stare and run into a strong hug with Cas. Some questions were asked  but Cas didn’t feel like answering. He had one thing on his mind though.

“Where’s Mom?” He asked quietly, she was the only one missing. The room went from cheers of happiness to stares and frowns. “W-what?” Cas asked.

When no one answered his question he assumed the worst. She was getting sick again.


	47. You're Just His Lifeboat

**_Cas POV_ **

“Wake up, faggot!” Lucifer yelled shaking Cas. He opened his eyes and remembered what had happened the night before just from the word ‘faggot.’ He rubbed his eyes as Lucifer left the room. The window on his wall was dirty; no one had washed it in 6 months.

The clouds seemed to brush through the sky, the grey breaking off them as they got closer to his house. He sighed, no one answered his question the night before and he knew why. Their mother had been sick for a long time and no doctor knew what was wrong. She was starting this get better, but she must have been getting worse when Cas was in the hospital.

He sighed. He’d have to think about that all day and go to _school._ ‘ _Dean will be there Cas, as long as he is there it is going to be fine.’_ He thought to himself getting dressed.

Michael had driven him to school with the rest of the family. He didn’t say a word as usually. A rain drop hit the edge of his nose as he walked out of the car walking to class. He could hear it and feel it almost; all the stares and whispering going on behind his back.

‘ _Ignore them Cas, just get to Dean…Get to class and get to Dean.’_

Castiel rushed into the hallway that lead to his classroom. He was so close to the room until he heard someone call his name. “Asstiel? Is that you?” It was British, it had to be Crowley. ‘ _Ignore them Cas, just keep going…’_ He thought to himself.

He took a step forward and was dragged backwards. “It is you!” Alastair laughed. “It’s the faggot himself, he is back!” Crowley laughed too. His little group had grown big. There was way more people in it other than Crowley and Alastair.

Cas looked around and backed up. “I hear you have a thing for Dean now.” They asked. Cas just swallowed his spit. ‘ _Where is Dean…? Dean will be here to save me…’_

“Is it true, faggot?” Gordon roared out making the crowd laugh. Cas looked behind him and saw the door. He took the chance he had and dashed for the door, making it inside to his chair near the window without getting beat up.

That was until he looked up from the window only getting punched in the eye pushed near it again. He screamed. ‘ _What was that Cas, you can’t show that they hurt you!’_

The boys laughed and Alastair punched him again. It hit his same eye and the side of his nose. Castiel could feel his eye throb, as his nose crack in pain. He touched it and heard a yell from the other side of the classroom. “Boys, sit down! He just got back, give him a break.”

The teacher yelled as Dean walked into the classroom just as the bell rang. Dean sat down next to Cas as Cas looked out the window, although one of his eyes where becoming blurred and swollen. ‘ _Don’t look at Dean…He can’t see your pain…He can’t know you’re hurt…’_

Dean was smiling, acting as happy as could be. His reflection on the window he could tell. Dean looked at Cas and tapped his shoulder. Castiel ignored him. ‘ _He can’t see my face…he can’t…’_ He thought over and over again.

That’s when Dean touched the back of his neck and pitched it. It was Cas’s sweet spot, making him turn red and turn to Dean. ‘ _You’re done now…’_ He thought to himself.

**_* &%$#@!#$%^&*()(*&^%$#@#$%^&*_ **

**_Dean POV_ **

Dean only showed up to school that day for one reason. He had to see Cas. He felt like crap. His body ached. He couldn’t figure out a reason to skip dinner that night so he forced himself to eat then ran for hours until his legs gave out 3 miles away from his house at 3 in the morning. Kate didn’t get mad because she never found out. He snuck out by climbing out his window. He made it back to his room before 5 o’clock and got a mere two hours of sleep before having to get up.

He knew from the moment he walked into his first period and saw Castiel that Alastair and his gang had done something. He kept his eyes on Alastair and his gang for the rest of the day. He kept Cas away from them at all cost. He was only gone for a minute or two. He left to go to the bathroom before his walk to Kate’s house. When he came out he already knew.

“Hey, Asstiel, are you going to get any ass tonight? Is your butt buddy going to fuck you in your ass? Have you come out to your parents yet? Have you told your family that you are a poofty poofter?” He heard from a boy with a British accent.

“No, he is going home to write in his diary about how much he is love with that loser Winchester.” Dean knew that was Alastair’s voice.

Dean walked over to the noise and saw the gang of misfits circling Cas. “Guys, why don’t you fight someone who can take your beatings.”

Everyone in the group looked over at Dean. He crossed his arms over his chest and hed his face high with a smeared smile painted on his face. Alastair walked over to the Winchester and got in his face. “You think you can “take” our beatings?”

“I have taken them before. I’ll do them again if it means you staying away from Castiel.” Dean leaned in closer to Alastair’s cold face.

“You gotta lot to learn boy.” Alastair’s spat.

Dean smirked and looked over at Cas. “Hit me…Hit me…if will make you feel better.”

“Shut up, Winchester.” Alastair tightened his fist.

Dean laughed. “Are you too afraid to punch me now.” Dean pointed to his cheekbone. “Right here. DO IT!”

“SHUT UP!” Alastair slung his fist as hard as he possibly could in Dean’s face. Dean collapsed to the ground on his hands and knees and blood dripped out of his mouth.

Dean slowly looked up at Alastair and his crew. He once again had a joyfully pained smile spread across his face. He laughed. “Is that all you got?” Dean egged. “Come on, you’re not going to bite.”

Dean glanced over at Cas who looked terrified then back at Alastair. “See you around, Losechester. Prepare for the beating of a lifetime in your future.”

Dean stood and spat into the grass and over to Cas. “Let’s get you to your car, Cas.”

“B-but Dean…”

“But nothing. Don’t speak of this.” Dean smiled and opened the car door for Cas. Dean watched as Michael drove off with his boyfriend. Once out of eyesight Dean began his journey home.

_‘You’re done, Dean. A beating of a lifetime, Alastair says. Hmh. More like a Friday night in your book. He already called you a loser. Cas probably thinks you are useless. He doesn’t truly love you. You’re just his lifeboat. He comes to you when he needs you and then leaves…he leaves you more broken each times. You are empty without him and useless with him and broken spending time with him and done every time he leaves you. It’s over for you…there’s nothing left. You’re just his lifeboat.’_


	48. Loving You Makes Me Nervous

**_Cas POV_ **

“Castiel, what’s wrong with your eye?” Michael asked. Castiel looked out the window. Not saying a word. “Cas, if someone is beating you up you can tell me…you can always tell me.” Castiel glared at the window. ‘ _You don’t care about me…you don’t care about this faggot…’_ He sighed.

“Look Cas, I know the family hasn’t treated you the best…or good at all and we talked about it. We are going to try and help you out from now on. Mom is getting really sick and someone needs to be here for you…” Michael tried to explain while driving.

“Just tell me what happened…please, and then I’ll leave you alone.” He begged turning the corner. Cas looked out only seeing half in vision. He whispered timidly, “C-Crowley and—and Al-Alastair…”

“Did they beat you up because you’re…gay?” Michael tried to add without sounding harsh. Castiel nodded, turning around looking at Michael. “How long have they been doing that?” He asked almost at their house.

Cas shrugged. “A—A long time…” His face turned flat as they got to the house. They got out of the car walking to the door. “Cas, just look at me for a second.”

He did as he was told and stared at Michael. “Just…contact me if they mess with you again.” Cas nodded. ‘ _Like that will do anything…’_ He thought. Michael opened the door to shouting from the kitchen.

“Well you know what! You can keep it! It’s your fault anyway!” It was a female voice but not Anna’s or Naomi’s. “I will, but remember it takes 2 to tango!” Gabriel yelled.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, what’s going on in here?” Michael yelled walking into a room with a clearly pregnant girl and his brother, Gabriel. “Nothing, we’re done here!” The girl yelled walking away strictly and slamming the door shut on her way out.

Gabriel started laughing as he slid down to the floor. “Gabriel, what happened with you and Kali?” Michael asked leaning down to his level. Gabriel was laughing hard, tears swelling in his eyes. Michael sighed and got up.

“Are—are you just going to leave him there?” Castiel asked staring at his oldest brother. Michael nodded. “No one can help him out when it’s happen. He just sits there and laughs/cries for an hour and goes to his room. We haven’t been able to stop it.” Michael said walking over to their Mother’s room.

Castiel looked down at Gabriel. Tears fell down his face as he laughed as if he was insane. Castiel decided to sit down next to him. “H-hey Gabe…” He whispered.

“W-what happened?” Castiel asked. Gabriel continued to laugh. “What—What’s so f-funny?”  Castiel asked. Gabriel rubbed his eyes and tried to stop his laughter fit. “Well Cas, I’m gonna – gonna be a single Father now.” He wiped his eyes and his smile widened. “T-Then why are you l-laughing?” He stuttered out.

Gabe patted Cas’s shoulder. “You know what, Cas? I don’t even know.” His laughter grew a he answered. Castiel was confused and looked at Gabriel.  “She’s due soon and she just told me she’s giving the baby to me. It’s all mine.”

Cas smiled. “Don’t worry G-Gabe, I-I’ll be here.” Cas stuttered as he stood up. “Cas, wait!” Gabriel yelled quickly. Cas looked back and Gabriel’s face had turned serious. “Will you actually help me?” He asked calmly. Cas nodded. “I promise.” He replied with no stutter at all.

Castiel smiled for once without Dean and walked up to his room. ‘ _Dean helped you out a lot today…you should repay him…’_ Cas thought. He got out of his clothes and went into his bathroom. He turned the shower on, getting the water nice and warm. He got in and closed his eyes, watering his hair. ‘ _We just recovered…we should go have dinner together…a real date…’_

Castiel smiled at the thought. ‘ _A date with Dean…’_

Castiel imagined him and Dean eating out together, smiling because they’re both perfect. He imagined them going out somewhere and making-out. The thought made his cock twitch in pleasure. He smiled and got out of the shower. ‘ _I’ll ask him tomorrow…’_

He got into his PJ’s and jumped into bed. ‘ _I’ll ask him tomorrow’_ He smiled.

**_* &^$#@!@&#@**&^%$#$%^&*&^%$#_ **

**_Dean POV_ **

“Dean, it’s dinnertime. Get it while it’s hot.” Kate yelled up the stairs.

_‘Nothing. You eat nothing. You are not going to throw up your food. You can’t go down that road. Why put food in your mouth? Ignore her. Act like you are asleep.’_

Dean threw his scheme notebook under his pillow and flopped down on the bed and closed his eyes and cleared and relaxed his body as he head Kate’s footsteps. “Dean?” She asked softly then saw the young boy “asleep”.

She sat down on the side of the bed. She stroked Dean’s scalp. “I wish I could get Adam to sleep as much as you do.

Dean rolled over on his side and curled up as if cold, which he was. He felt the weight of Kate shift off the bed. He heard rustling and a blanket suddenly was draped over him.

“I keep a plate out for you whenever you wake up. You can reheat it later.”

Dean stopped paying attention after that. He was back in his head. _‘I hope Cas is better with his family. He doesn’t deserve his family hating him. That’s what Dean’s deserves. No food, no food, no food, no food, no food.’_

He sat up quickly and grabbed his journal and pulled out his pen. He wrote the same two words over and over again for six pages furiously. ‘ _No food, no food, no food, no food, no food, No food, no food, no food, no food, no food. No food, no food, no food, no food, no food. No food, no food, no food, no food, no food. No food, no food, no food, no food, no food. No food, no food, no food, no food, no food. No food, no food, no food, no food, no food. No food, no food, no food, no food, no food. No food, no food, no food, no food, no food. No food, no food, no food, no food, no food. No food, no food, no food, no food, no food. No food, no food, no food, no food, no food. No food, no food, no food, no food, no food. No food, no food, no food, no food, no food. No food, no food, no food, no food, no food. No food, no food, no food, no food, no food. No food, no food, no food, no food, no food. No food, no food, no food, no food, no food. No food, no food, no food, no food, no food. No food, no food, no food, no food, no food. No food, no food, no food, no food, no food. No food, no food, no food, no food, no food. No food, no food, no food, no food, no food. No food, no food, no food, no food, no food. No food, no food, no food, no food, no food. No food, no food, no food, no food, no food. No food, no food, no food, no food, no food. No food, no food, no food, no food, no food. No food, no food, no food, no food, no food. No food, no food, no food, no food, no food. No food, no food, no food, no food, no food. No food, no food, no food, no food, no food. No food, no food, no food, no food, no food. No food, no food, no food, no food, no food. No food, no food, no food, no food, no food...’_

He whispered to himself. “Try again, fail again, fail better.”

He looked around his room and admired it. He hadn’t had a chance to really look at the room because he either slept or wrote in his journal. Sammy really did put his everything into Dean’s room to make it perfect. He smiled. Sammy had an eye for design for people…or at least for Dean. He laid back on the bedspread and stared at the ceiling. He closed his eyes and heard small footsteps near his doorway. He cracked open one eye and spotted a little boy sheepishly stand in the entrance of his room. It was Adam.

“What’s up, little man?” Dean looked at the clock and saw that he had been really into his thoughts for a long time. It was 8:30 at night. “Isn’t it past your bedtime?”

“I had a…a nightmare.” Adam whimpered.

“Why didn’t you get your mommy or Sammy?” Dean sat up slowly…not wanting to get a head rush.

“They downstairs watching a movie.” Adam brought his blanket up to his chin. “I scared, De.”

Dean smirked at the nickname Sam called him every now and again. Dean walked over to the little three year old. “Adam, it’s ok to be scared. You wouldn’t believe it but I get scared sometimes too.”

“You get scared?” He asked.

“Heck yes.” Dean smiled. “Now what was this bad dream you had?”

“It was a monster.”

Dean nodded. “How about you and me go to the bathroom and you come hop into my bed and you can sleep with me.”

“Thank you, De.”

“No problem, baby bro.” Dean smiled. Five minutes later Dean was wrapped around his half brother.

_*** &^%$#@#$%^&*&^%$#@#$%^&*^%$#@** _

_**Still Dean's POV** _

He woke up that morning without Adam with him. He looked at the clock and it was way past time to go to school. He shot up and felt his damp skin from a recent cold sweat. He didn’t realize how labored his breathing was.

He got up from the bed on wobbly legs. He walked into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. He looked like he hadn’t slept in days yet he was sleeping more and more. He used the bathroom and walked downstairs to find Kate sitting at the kitchen table. He was supposed to be at work not sitting in the house relaxing. “Kate?” He rasped.

She looked up. “Oh, Dean, I’m glad you’re finally awake. You scared us all last night.”

“What happened?” Dean asked with slight panic in his voice in wonder of what exactly happened mere hours earlier.

“You were one step below catatonic. You were ballistic and screaming. You scared Adam to death. He was sleeping in bed with you. He ran to me, but we had already started hearing your screams. You had broken out into a sweat and brought yourself into a fever. Your arms were flailing; it was like you were having a seizure, but you weren’t.”

Dean scratched the back of his neck. “What was I saying?”

“No, don’t hurt him. Don’t. Get away. Leave _him_ alone. He’s just a child. I love him. He doesn’t deserve this. It’s all my fault.” Kate answered not looking at Dean. “I couldn’t tell if you were talking about Sam…or Cas.”

“Kate, I’m sorry. I’ll apologize to Adam wherever he is…I told him he could sleep with me.”

“Adam understands. He was more scared because you were scared…not that you scared him. Now, you get some more rest. You can go to school tomorrow. You’re mental health is more important than education at the moment.”

Dean nodded and walked back upstairs and smirked. He managed to make her forget about his breakfast and lunch. He grabbed his journal and read it over and over again until it came the time school got out. He dashed out of the house and down the road to the park bench. He saw Cas pacing back and forth in front of their spot. “Cas!” Dean shouted as he neared the bench.

Cas whipped around and spotted the blonde haired man. He instantly smiled. “Dean!”

He flung himself at Cas. “I’m sorry. Kate let me stay home because I didn’t sleep very well. I had to be here though I couldn’t go the whole day without seeing—“ Dean was cut off by Cas’s lips.

“Dean…” Cas blushed. “I-I was…was w-wondering…if-if y-you want—would like to go…I mean…if-if it isn’t…I-I was hoping if you w-would go on a-a-a d-dinner date with…m-me?”

Dean smiled and huffed out a puff of air. _‘Cas is going to make you eat. You can’t disappoint Cas. Not him. Say yes…say of course. Eat for him. Do anything for him… **anything**.’_

“Of course, Cas, baby. I would love too.” Dean smiled.

Cas smiled and hugged Dean. “Great.” Cas relaxed.

“It took you a while to get to your point, baby. You don’t have to be nervous around me. I will never hurt you. I will always be here for you. Through thick and thin.” Dean cupped Cas’s jawline.

“I know…” Cas stared with his crystal blue pools into Dean’s emerald green orbs. “Loving you makes me nervous.”

Dean smiled. “I love you, Cas. You are beautiful and perfect in my eyes.” Dean kissed the tip of Cas’s nose.

Cas moved close to Dean and nuzzled into Dean’s chest as they stood there together. “I love you too, Dean.”

They finally sat down on the park bench together. Dean just thought as they sat there in silence; a comfortable silence. _‘You are going to have to fail to love Cas. You can’t eat. You can’t not eat. You’re horrible Dean Winchester. Fake it…no…not in front of Cas. Eat half of your meal…no…none of it…all of it…you’re screwed, you useless, spineless, good for nothing, son of a bitch, Winchester.’_

**_***_ **


	49. The Best of Worst Days

Castiel woke up extra really that morning to take a nice shower and get himself all pretty. It was finally the Friday morning before his and Dean’s dinner date that night. They were meeting at the park after school and didn’t want to go home before the date. He wanted to stay with the man he was in love with.

Things had been getting better for him; his siblings treating him right and protecting him at all costs. Crowley and his gang only bullied him when Dean wasn’t around which didn’t bother Castiel much because he knew Dean would protect him. Dean would do anything for him. Although sometimes Dean would get hurt from the bullies by sticking up for Cas. Cas wish he had the strength to stand up for Dean too, but Dean would always just walk Cas home or to Michael’s car. He wouldn’t speak a word.

Castiel sighed. ‘ _Today is going to be a good day, don’t think about the bad.’_ He got out of the shower and pulled his hair back not really changing the way it would flow; his hair was impossible to tame.

                 He looked into the mirror, and touched his stomach. It wasn’t flat or a stick and Castiel didn’t like it, but he knew Dean would be proud of him. Castiel had stopped his bad habits for Dean.

                 He dried off his hair and threw on some fresh boxers. The clothes he laid out where Dean’s favorite, not too fancy but dressy enough for a date. He had a plain white button down shirt on that had a small tail at the back, and black pants that where tight on his legs; they weren’t Cas’s favorite but Dean said they where his so that’s all that mattered to him.

                 Castiel put on his favorite trench-coat that finally fit him perfectly. He was all set and smiled at himself as he looked into mirror. He was ready for the day to start.

* * *

 

                 He made it to school that day and was making his way to 1st period when he hears the same British voice he was used to hearing. “Whoa, is Asstiel getting it in the ass tonight, or trying to find a new lover?” The giggles and laughs in the background made Castiel frown. He tried to keep walking but Alastair pulled him back. “Hey, we’re talking to you! It’s rude to walk away in the middle of a conversation.”

                 Castiel stopped and looked at his feet. “Why are you looking gayer than usual, it’s not like you have any friends to impress.” Gordon asked, bumping his elbow into his friend. “Yeah, ya faggot. What’s got you all fruited up?” Alastair asked laughing. Castiel kept looking down at his feet not saying a word. ‘ _Don’t let them ruin your day…it’s going to be okay…’_

                 “Hey Fatasses, let him go!” Castiel looked up seeing a tall blonde haired boy with his same blue eyes. It was Lucifer…Lucifer was actually sticking up for him. Why now?

                 The whole gang of bullies looked up, eyes wide. They automatically let Cas go and went on to their 1st class. Castiel looked up at Lucifer in awe. “I’m sorry I’ve never come before Cas…But I will now, I promise…” Lucifer said leaning down to Cas’s level. Castiel nodded. “T-thanks.”

                 Lucifer nodded and walked away when one of his friends called for him. ‘ _Does he call everyone a fatass?_ ’ He thought to himself walking to class. He saw Dean’s smiling face. He was wearing a band shirt and some jeans. Castiel didn’t care though, because that was what Dean wore. He wasn’t in to the ‘best dress’ type of thing.

                 Castiel smiled and walked over to Dean who was smiling at him. He wanted to kiss him then and there at that moment, he loved him. He wished everyone could know.

                 The day went on and they were finally at the park together holding hand waiting till it was time for dinner. “Are you ready baby?” Castiel asked so happy not stuttering at all. Dean nodded, not talking very much like he usually did.

                 “Are you okay baby? I mean if—if you’re not f-feeling well we can do it a-another night?” Castiel tried not to stutter because Dean knew if he stuttered around him it meant he was sad or nervous and he didn’t want Dean to know that.

                 “No, no, no baby, I’m fine. Don’t get all nervous, it’s fine; I’m fine.” Dean mumbled out wrapping his arm around Castiel on their normal park bench and kissing the top of his head. Cas shook his head. “I’m—I’m not n-n-nervous now.” Dean looked down at Cas and kissed him on the lips with a smile on his face.

                 “You don’t have to lie to me; this is going to be a nice date baby. I’m feeling fine.” Dean reassured smiling as if it was fake.  Cas nodded.

                 They went to their date in peace, talking as they would have. The food was nice, they both had a salad. Castiel noticed Dean looked around and at Cas more than eat. He looked at the food but wouldn’t eat after awhile. Castiel was a bit worried but this was their first date. ‘ _He is just nervous and is not that hungry. That’s what happens when he get hungry…’_ Castiel thought.

                 “How’s your salad?” Castiel asked. ‘ _Don’t ask that Cas, that’s stupid.’_ He thought to himself, panicking a bit on the inside. Dean smiled like he had at the park. “It’s fine.”

                 “J-just f-fine?” He stuttered. ‘ _Stop stuttering Cas…Stop.’_ He thought to himself. Dean smiled, it didn’t seem fake. “You’re really cute when you stutter.” Dean mumbled salad in his mouth.

                 Cas nodded. ‘ _He doesn’t want to talk about the food, see that was a stupid question Cas.’_

                 “Hey Cas, are you going to answer any of that?” Dean asked, looking at Cas’s phone. Cas looked down at his phone.

‘ _Missed Call from Michael: 5:49 PM_

_Missed Call from Michael: 5:51 PM_

_Missed Call from Michael: 5:54 PM_

_Text Message from Michael: 5:56 PM_

_Text Message from Gabriel: 5:57 PM_

_Missed Call from Gabriel: 5:59 PM_

_Missed Call from Anna: 6:01 PM_

_Text Message from Balthazar: 6:02 PM_

_Text Message from Balthazar: 6:03 PM_

_Text Message from Balthazar: 6:04 PM_

_Missed Call from Lucifer: 6:05 PM_

_Missed Call from Lucifer: 6:06 PM_

_Missed Call from Michael: 6:15 PM’_

‘ _You’ll call them back when you’re done with Dean…’_ He thought, Dean being the top thing on his mind. Dean stared at Cas, he wasn’t saying anything. “Cas?”

                 “Y-yeah, I’ll see it later. It’s rude to check during a date.” He said shyly. Dean nodded. “But, it seems serious don’t you think?” Dean said as another message came up.

_Text Message from Gabriel: 6:19 PM_

Castiel looked around, panicking on the inside. Dean looked worried and went over to Cas and touched his back. “Look Cas, I’ll go pay for us and you go handle whatever is going on, okay?” Dean said making sure Cas was okay. “Y-you don’t ha-have to—to do th-that.” He stuttered not being able to control it anymore.

                 “I am Cas, you go wait outside and handle whatever is going on, I’ll be out in a minute.” Castiel nodded and grabbed his phone, walking out.

                 He looked at his phone as soon as he was outside, first going through the text messages.

                 ‘ _Castiel, please come home now, it’s important.’_

_‘Little bro, this is important. Come home…’_

_‘Castiel! Come home!’_

_‘Castiel! COME HOME!’_

_‘COME HOME DAMMIT CAS.THIS IS IMPORTANT.’_

He saw all the missed calls and decided to call Gabriel. He was closest to him. The number was memorized into his brain. It ringed 4 times Gabriel was at the phone quickly yelling his name. “ _Castiel, thank God!”_ He heard with loud noises in the background.

                 “G-Gabriel what’s going on? W-why is your v-voice sh-shaky?” Cas asked scared. “ _Castiel, I’m the only home right now but I’ll tell you when you come home. Please, just do it-“_

“N-No! Gabriel w-what – what’s g-going on!?” He shouted into the phone. “ _Castiel, it’s not safe to tell you alone—“_

“TELL ME DAMMIT!” Castiel screamed grabbing onto the wall, he never cussed. “ _Mama’s really—really sick Cas. She passed out on the floor this morning, Michael found her barely breathing after school.”_

“NO! Y-YOU’RE L-L-LYING!” Castiel yelled as Dean came out the door, rushing over to him as soon as he saw him. _“Castiel just come home!”_ Gabriel yelled. Castiel fell to his knees, sobbing. ‘ _Their lying! Their lying! Mama’s fine!’_ He shouted in his head.

                 Dean dashed staring at Cas. He was saying words but Cas heard nothing. He dropped his phone on the ground sobbing, screaming ‘no’ over and over again with ‘you’re lying.’

                 Dean wrapped him into his arms. “Cas! Cas, snap out of it! What’s wrong? Cas, speak to me!” Dean yelled touching his face his he feel apart in his arms. Castiel tear fell on Dean’s shirt he had no idea what to do.


	50. Dream A Little Dream Of Me...

It was a good night. Well, it started out good. Cas and Dean both got a salad…that’s the only thing Dean was going to put in his body…lettuce. Dean looked around the restaurant constantly then his eyes connected to Cas.

Cas’s phone was annoying. Every minutes it vibrated for like half an hour. He finally suggested that it was important for Ca to answer. He left to pay and when he found Cas…it was a horrible sight. Cas was completely ballistic.

“Cas, baby, it’s ok. I’m here. Cas? Calm down.” Dean frantically wrapped his arms around his boyfriend. “Cas! Cas, snap out of it! What’s wrong? Cas, speak to me!”

Cas collapsed in Dean’s arms and sobbed. Dean knew he was going to have to carry Cas to his house.

After an hour Dean arrived in the doorway of the Novak’s house. His arms were shaking and his legs ached. He knocked on the door and almost instantly the door was flung open. “Castiel?”

“He broke down outside the restaurant we were at.” Dean said to the man with light brown hair and golden eyes.

“Yeah, I figured. Thanks for bringing him.” Dean nodded.

“Is everything ok?” Dean blinked as the man took Cas from him. Dean guessed it was Gabriel since he had already met Michael and kinda knew Lucifer. Balthazar hung around with Lucifer so Dean had seen him at school. Gabriel was the only one he had met of the Novak brothers. Anna was a given, and Dean knew Jo was friends with her.

Gabriel looked Dean square in the eyes. “No.” He shut the door, leaving Dean worry…doubting… fearing… _’What’s wrong with Cas’s family?’_

He slowly walked towards his house. He passed the park…he stopped at the park bench. _‘Something is really wrong. It was like Cas didn’t even know you there. You couldn’t comfort him. Something happened that was more important than you. Something important enough to make Cas shut down. He didn’t say a word the whole run to his house. He was silence. He should be there for Cas, but you’re not. You never are.’_

Dean ran home and opened the front door. He was back before he said he would have. “You’re home early.” Kate voiced from the living room.

“Yeah, Cas had to get home. I’m going to take a shower and get ready for bed and hang out in my room.” Dean darted up the stairs.

“Dean, wait.” Kate asked.

“What?”

“Come down here for a second. Sit down with me. Sam is at a sleepover with Brady so it’s just you, me and Adam. Adam is already asleep. We need to talk.”

Dean’s stomach twisted into a knot. “What’s going on?”

“I got a call from someone today.”

“Who?” Dean was internally panicking. Kate took Dean’s hands.

“It was from your father.” Kate finally said.

Dean immediately shook his head. “No, he…he’s in jail.”

“No, it got out on good behavior. He is in rehab right now for Alcohol abuse.”

Dean nodded. “I’m going to go take a shower and hang out in my room now.” Kate nodded.

“Everything is going to be ok, Dean. You don’t need to worry.” Dean didn’t answer her. He walked upstairs and grabbed some boxers from his room then meandered to the bathroom when he stripped and turned the water on.

_‘He can’t come back. He just can’t. You had just started knowing how to live without him. He’s going to find out about you and Cas. He’s going to kill you. He’ll keep you away from Cas. You’ll never see Cas again if he comes back.’_

Dean got in the shower and let the hot water ran off him. He turned the heat up just enough that it burned. _‘You deserve this.’_ He ran his hand over the scar from where his feeding tube had been. He turned the water up a little more so it was painfully hot. He sat down on the bottom of the tub and brought his knees to his nose. The water burned his back, but he didn’t care.

He dried off and pulled on his boxers and towels dried his hair a tad before walking into his room and flopped on the bed and getting under the covers. He closed his eyes. _‘Cas is in pain and you are just lying in bed. You’re pathetic. The worst boyfriend ever.’_

He drifted into the numbness of sleep only to dream. It was supposed to be an escape. Instead…it was terror…torture…painful…this is what he deserved.

_It was a motel room that Dean had never seen before and he had seen his fair share. In the room was a man who was messing with the light on the desk. His back was facing Dean. “Hello?”_

_The man turns to face Dean. “Hey Dean.”_

_“Well, aren't you a handsome son of a gun.” Dean tried to joke and smiled. He was shocked that he was talking to no one other than his self, literally. Dean was talking to Dean._

_“We need to talk.” Dream Dean replied as he rose to his feet._

_Dean tried to smile. He thought he understood what was going on. “I get it. I get it. I’m my own worst nightmare, is that it? Huh? Kinda like Superman III junkyard scene? A little mano y mano with myself?”_

_“Joke all you want, smart ass. But you can’t lie to me. I know the truth.” Dream Dean answered sternly. “I know how dead you are inside. How worthless you feel. I know how you look into a mirror…and hate what you see.”_

_Dean shook his head and swallowed the saliva that was building in his mouth. “Sorry, pal, it’s not gonna work.” Dean smiled. “You’re not real.”_

_“Sure I am,” Dream Dean smirked. “I’m you.”_

_“I don’t think so. ‘Cause this is siesta. Not yours.” Dean rose his left arms towards his face. “All I gotta do is snap my fingers and you go bye-bye.”_

_Dean snapped his fingers and nothing happened. He snapped again and again nothing. His smile faulted._

_As if saying ‘I told you so’, Dream Dean nodded. “I’m not going anywhere. Neither are you.” The motel room’s door slammed shut and locked. The smile is gone from Dean’s face. He was completely serious. “Like I said…” He rose his hand and it held a sawed-off shotgun. “…We need to talk.”_

_Dean and his dream-self started circling each other._

_“Talk about low self-esteem.” Dream Dean chuckled. “Then again, I guess it’s not much of a life worth saving, now is it?”_

_“Wake up, Dean. Come on, wake up.” Dean whispered to himself._

_“I mean, after all, you've got nothing outside of Sam.” They stop circling each other. They're now back in their original positions. Dean by the door, and dream Dean by the desk. “You are nothing. You're as mindless and obedient as an attack dog.”_

_“That’s…that’s not true.” Dean smiled in denial._

_“No? What are the things that you want? What are the things that you dream? I mean, your car? That's Dad's. Your favorite leather jacket? Dad's. Your music? Dad's. Do you even have an original thought?” Dean scoffs, not wanting to admit to anything. “No. No, all there is is, **"Watch out for Sammy. Look out for your little brother, boy!"** You can still hear your Dad's voice in your head, can't you?” He motions with the weapon to his head. “Clear as a bell.”_

_Dean smiled. “Just shut up.”_

_His dream self lowered the gun_ _. “I mean, think about it ...” Dream Dean walked towards Dean, whose smile was fading. “... all he ever did is train you, boss you around.”_

_They were standing face to face. “But Sam…Sam he doted on. Sam, he loved.”_

_“I mean it. I’m getting angry.”_

_“Dad knew who you really were. A good soldier and nothing else. Daddy's blunt little instrument. Your own father didn't care whether you lived or died. Why should you?” Dream Dean yelled angrily._

_“Son of a bitch!” Dean yelled._ _He pushed the dream Dean hard, knocking him into the wall above the desk. “My father was an obsessed bastard!” Dream Dean tried to get up but Dean kicks him back down. He uses the gun, as if a bat, and hits Dream Dean with it. He used the weapon to hold the deam man down against the wall. “All that crap he dumped on me, about protecting Sam! That was his crap. He's the one who couldn't protect his family.” He stepped back and swings at Dream Dean with the gun again. “He's the one who let Mom die.” Dean pins Dream Dean down again. “– who wasn't there for Sam. I always was! He wasn't fair! I didn't deserve what he put on me.”_

_Dean used the gun and shot his dream self in the chest. Blood splattered everywhere and on Dream Dean’s face…his eyes were closed. Dean approached his dream self on the desk, looking at him. Suddenly Dream Dean’s eye flick open and they were completely pitch black, as is possessed by something…a demon. Dean’s panics on the inside and his eyes are wide open in fear. The Demon Dean sits up and looks into Dean’s eyes. “You can’t escape me, Dean. You’re gonna die. And this? This is what you’re gonna become!”_

_The demon snaps his fingers and Dean is surrounded in black. It is silent. He looks around and suddenly he is in a familiar place. It was the park. Cas was sitting at their park bench. He was staring straight ahead, ankles crossed, and his fingers laced together in his lap. Dean ran over to him. “Cas?”_

_Cas looked up at Dean. “You should have stayed with me, Dean. I needed you and you left me. You didn’t know what was happening and you dumped me with my brother.”_

_“Cas, I was going to stay but Gabriel shut the door in my face.”_

_“You could have opened the door! I needed you!” Cas yelled but his body stayed still._

_Dean ran his finger through his hair and held back tears. “Cas, baby, I’m sorry.”_

_Cas abruptly stood up and looked at Dean. “I guess that’s what you do. I needed you and you did nothing. All you can do is say you’re sorry.”_

_A hot tears ran down Dean’s face. “Castiel…”_

_“No, listen to me for once in your life. All you do is think about yourself. You are nothing to me. You are nothing.”_

_More hot tears rolled down Dean’s face. He choked out a sob. “No, Cas, baby, please…”_

_“No, I am not your baby. I hate you, Dean Winchester.” Castiel’s eyes blinked and they were pitch black._

_Castiel smirked with his black eyes and then snapped his fingers. He disappeared. Dean was in black again. “No! Cas! NO! PLEASE! NO!” Dean yelled._ He shot up in his bed.

He was sweating profusely and breathing heavy. He ran his hands down his face. He had hot tears stains on his cheeks. He shifted uncomfortably on his bed and realized something else. He lifted his sheet and they were soaked. They were beyond soaked. Last time he only empty half his bladder. This times his bladder was past empty. He did it more than once.

His face grew hot. He heard footsteps; Kate’s. “Dean?” She poked her head in. She knew something was really wrong. “Dean?”

Tears built up in his eyes. He sniffed and looked at Kate. “Kate…it happened again.” Dean managed to say that but sobbed and wrapped his arms around himself.

He heard Kate dash over to his bed and crawl over to him. She didn’t care that the bed was soiled. She pulled Dean into her arms. “Sweetie, it’s ok. It’s ok. Never to be ashamed of. I’m here for you, honey.”

“It’s all my fault.” Dean mumbled.

“No, it’s not, baby. Nothing is your fault. I’m right here. Shh.” Kate combed her fingers through Dean’s hair and rocked him gently.

“I’m sorry, Kate.” Dean mumbled. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

“Shhh, it’s ok. Everything things ok.” Kate whispered.

“I’m sorry, Mama. I’m sorry.” Dean sobbed.

Kate noticed Dean’s choice in words. He slid off the bed and carried Dean into the bathroom and she cleaned him and changed him into fresh clothes and laid him on her bed. “Just a few more hours of sleep, sweetheart.” Kate curled up around the young man. She wished she could call Dean her son, but she couldn’t.

“Kate?” Dean whispered. “I’m sorry, I called you Mama.”

Kate pulled Dean in tighter. “Don’t be sorry. You can call me anything you feel comfortable with. I’m always going to be here for you.”

Dean fell asleep with those words. He woke up hours later and Kate was gone. Probably at work. He sat up and got out of the bed. He ran to his room to find his bed made with new sheets. He pulled on clothes and dashed out of the house. He kept running until he reached the park bench. He made a promise to Cas. _‘We are going to meet up every day at the park bench. No matter what.’_

Cas didn’t show up that day.

**_***_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No copyright infringement intended. 
> 
> I used most of the conversation from "Dream a Little Dream of Me" Season 3 Episode 10 where Dream Dean and Dean talk. I hope you like this chapter! It was fun writing this chapter! More drama coming in the future!   
> ~~ Sincerely bringmesomepie :D


	51. The Nail of My Cat's Paw

                 “Castiel, Ssssh…It’s all okay, just get into the car, okay?” Gabriel tried to calm his baby brother who was stuck in a terrifying state of sobs and screaming. He shook him trying to get him out of it. “Cas! Please, I’m begging you! You’re—you’re scaring me!” Gabriel shouted shaking his brother over again.

                 He grabbed him and brought him into his arms. “Castiel, please…It’s going to be okay…” The door slammed behind him as he quickly put Castiel in the car. He jumped in the driver’s seat and dashed off to the hospital. “Cas, Mama’s gonna be fine…I promise…”

                 Castiel shook his head and pulled his knees up to his chest, sobbing. “N-n-n-no.” He sobbed out in a harsh ton. Gabriel was freaking out.

                 They made it to the hospital in record time, not getting pulled over surprisingly. Gabriel carried Cas out of the car trying to get Cas on his feet. “Walk Cas! You can walk!” Gabriel shouted, only to let go of Cas making him fall to his knees. He sighed and picked his baby brother up. “Castiel she is going to be okay…I promise.” Gabriel’s voice echoed through his ears.

                 ‘ _Mama’s hurt…it’s all your fault again…she’s sick again and you let it happen…she’s in the hospital because you let her get this bad. You only cared about yourself…you should be the one dying, not her.’_ He thought to himself.

                 Gabriel sat Castiel in a wheelchair so his arms wouldn’t give out on the boy. Michael had told him what floor they were on so he quickly went to the elevator clicking the button for level 4. It was slow.

                 Castiel’s thoughts keep going, getting worse and worse. Gabriel pushed Castiel out of the elevator getting him out of the wheelchair, carrying him to the waiting room where his brothers and sister sat.

                 Anna was leaning her head on Lucifer who was protectively holding her. Balthazar was sitting with his legs fully out, acting like nothing was going on when inside his head was boiling. Michael was pacing around the room until he saw Gabriel holding Castiel.

                 “Michael please!” Gabriel begged, his voice shaking as tears started to form in his eyes. Michael rushed over as Gabriel finished speaking. “He—he won’t _stop!_ I can’t get him to _stop!_ He is scaring me, Michael! Please, help him! Just please!” Gabriel shouted. Michael looked at Gabriel’s face with complete fear, then seeing Castiel sobbing in his arms.

                 Michael quickly grabbed him and rushed with him in his arms to a seat. It was like Cas was a small child, as he instantly cuddled into Michael, sobbing. Michael patted his back. “Cas, it’s okay…it’s okay…Ssssh everything is going to be okay…” Castiel shook his head.

                 Nurses were starting to stare at Castiel as Michael held him close. Balthazar looked over at Gabriel who was the one pacing now. “Castiel, it’s okay! Ssh it’s okay!” Michael tried to say calmly but coming out forceful.

                 “Michael Novak?” a woman’s voice shouted out looking for him. Michael looked around with his baby brother in his lap. He tried to get up but Castiel hung on to him like a cat’s nail stuck on fabric. Michael looked at Lucifer and for once Lucifer knew he was asking him to be the man of the family.

                 Lucifer stood up and approached the woman holding papers and such in her arms. Luci looked back making sure Michael was okay with it. His twin brother nodded letting Luci walk on.

                 Castiel didn’t hear much, his sobbing was going down, but the words that came from Lucifer’s mouth he heard perfectly. “What the fuck do you mean you still don’t know what’s wrong with her?!” He shouted at the woman.

                 “Lucifer, calm down!” Anna yelled getting up and calm him. “No, fuck you! She’s been sick for years and all these damn doctors are saying is that they don’t know!” Lucifer shouted at the nurse and Anna over again. Lucifer got real close to the nurse. “Well, fuck that! You go in there and fucking tell that damn doctor to do as many tests as possible because I’m not letting my mother die on me because of a dumbass doctor!”

                 The room was silent, even Cas was just looking at his brother. The nurse stared at him. “Now!” Lucifer yelled at her making her run off. Michael looked down at Cas and his shock torn face.

                 All Castiel remembered was a ton of yelling and darkness. He shut his eyes closed not wanting to hear it anymore, and drifted into a dark dream.

* * *

 

                 Castiel didn’t remember his dream but he knew it was bad for him to wake up a sweaty mess with his 17 year old brother by his side, shaking him. “Cas, Cas, Cas! Wake up, it’s okay! It was just a bad dream!” He yelled. Castiel stopped and looked around, panting and rubbing sweat off his brow. “You okay there Castiel, you got me scared there for a bit.” Balthazar asked rubbing Cas’s back.

                 Castiel nodded, pulling his knees up to his face. He was in his room, not the hospital. Balthazar was with him and no one else was home. There was a dark cloud glooming over the city, doomed to drop rain at any moment.

                 “I bet your wondering what’s going on.” Balthazar added, noticing Cas’s wide eyes. Cas nodded frowning. “Well buddy, the rest of the family is at the hospital with Mom who isn’t waking up… She is in a coma.” Castiel shook his head. “D-don’t t-t-tell me this!” He shouted.

                 Balthazar was calming, rubbing his back. “Ssh Cas, I’m not done…” Castiel looked up, eyes teary again. “We brought you home because we knew you couldn’t handle the hospital.” Castiel shook his head. “No, Cas listen to me.”

                 Castiel looked out the window. “The family talked about it and we decided you shouldn’t go anywhere today…you gotta calm down…” He calmly spook. A tear fell down Castiel’s eye as he looked outside. “B-b-but Dean—“

                 “No Cas, Dean can live without seeing you for one day.” Balthazar spook a little harsher than he meant. Castiel fell silent. “I’m sorry Cas, you’re just not safe anywhere but here. You know how you were yesterday and we need you here.”

                 Castiel shook his head and laid back down on the bed. “Cas—“

                 “Go. Away.” Castiel strictly said scaring his older brother. Balthazar stared at him. “I said. GO. AWAY.” He yelled. Balthazar was outside the door in no time.  Castiel walked to his window and looked out seeing tiny raindrops hit the window.

                 He looked at the clock. _5:58 PM._ He banged his head on the window making Balthazar rush back. “NO!” Castiel yelled. Balthazar shook his head and sent him back to bed where he slept until the next day.


	52. Soon The Nightmares Will Stop

“No…no…NO!” Dean yelled in his sleep. “I’m sorry! NO! Cas! NO!”

“Dean.” He shook Dean. “Dean, wake up, please wake up!” It was Sam. He straddled Dean to hold Dean’s flailing limbs. “Dean, it’s Sammy! Wake up! Please!”

“Cas! No!” Dean struggled against Sam holding him down. “N-NO!”

“Dean! Wake up!” Sam plugged Dean’ nose and covered his mouth. Dean started struggling for air. He whipped his head side to side. Sam released Dean’s nose and mouth. Dean’s eyes flicked open and he gasped for air.

“Sammy?” Dean whispered. Sam stared at him. “What time is it? Why are you sitting in my lap?”

“You were yelling and thrashing. You were scaring me.” Sam slide off Dean’s waist and sat on the side of his bed. “I had to hold you down so you wouldn’t hurt yourself.”

Dean blinked. “Thanks, Sammy.” Dean sat up and felt the pressure of his bladder. Dean was two seconds away from springing a leak. Dean scrambled out of the bed. He darted out of the room and slammed the bathroom door shut. He was already leaking into his boxers. He dashed to the toilet and relieved himself. He let out a sigh of relief.

He pulled his dick back into his boxers. He sat down and propped against the tub. He was shaking and covered in sweat.

The sweat he knew was from the nightmare but the shaking was new. He hadn’t eaten anything except a few bits of lettuce on his date with Cas. He stood and a wave of lightheadedness hit him like how it had right before he got sent to that hospital.

He heard a light knock on the door. “Dean?”

He probably woke up the whole house with that door slam. “Yeah?” Dean asked with his voice shaking. He couldn’t see. He gripped the sink counter tightly as his body swayed.

“Are you ok, De?” He heard a younger kids voice…Sam. “Should I get Kate?”

Dean grabbed the door knob and slowly opened the door. He still couldn’t see and the room was spinning. He looked in the direction he couldn’t best say where Sam was. “No…no, Sammy…I-I’m fine.”

“You don’t look fine, Dean. You are sweaty and dashed out of your bed in a hurry after having a pretty bad nightmare at 4 in the morning.”

“I’m fine, Sammy. Just had to pee something bad.” Dean smirked with a fake smile. His vision was coming back.

“Are they coming back?” Sam asked concerned. “The nightmares about Mom? Are they coming back?”

Dean shook his head. “No…these are different. They…they aren’t about…they aren’t about Mom…they are about—“

“Cas…” Sam answered. “I know…you were yelling his name.”

“Just go back to bed, Sammy. I’m ok, I promise.” Dean whispered.

Sam nodded. “You can tell me anything, Dean.”

“I know, Sammy.” Dean smiled as if hiding something. He walked into his room and grabbed his journal.

_‘You can’t eat. You can’t eat You can’t eat. You can’t eat. If you eat you will disappoint Dad. If you eat you will disappoint Dad. You have to be there for Cas. You have to make Cas happy. Cas makes you feel happy. You can’t let Sammy know. If Sammy knows you’ll get sent back. You have already drop the weight you gained at the stupid fucking hospital. You’ll soon be good enough for Dad. Soon you’ll be good enough for Cas. Soon the nightmares will stop.’_

Dean sat on his bed for hours before climbing out his window and running down the street. _‘Not going into the kitchen you won’t get asking to eat.’_

As he neared the park bench like he did yesterday he already knew Cas wasn’t there. _‘It’s still early…he will show. He has to…’_

He sat down on the bench and looked at his hands. He lifted them up and they shook slightly. He panicked for what he thought was hours. He flinched when he felt a hand touch his shoulder. He slowly looked up and his eyes connected with his crystal blue eyed angel. Cas ran the back of his hand down Dean’s face from the corner of his eye to the tip of his chin. “Cas, I’ve missed you.”

“I-I’ve missed you too.” Cas replied with a sorrowful smile.

Dean patted the side of the bench motioning Cas to sit. Cas shook his head. “What’s wrong, Cas?”

“I wanna…I wanna t-talk.” Cas mumbled standing in front of Dean.

“Talk about what?” Dean took Cas’s hands.

Cas licked his lips. “About…about w-what happened…on…on our date.”

“I waited for you all day yesterday and you never came.”

“I-I couldn’t.” Cas whispered.

Dean nodded. “Did I do something wrong?”

“No…NO…no…You did nothing wrong.” Cas sputtered. “Can…we-we go to my house?”

Dean nodded and stood but he got a head rush and swayed towards Cas and collapsed into Cas. Cas, luckily, caught him. Dean scrambled. “I’m fine…I’m fine…I’m fine.”

Cas was wide eyed and stiff. “D-Dean…?”

“I’m fine…I’m fine…I just had a dizzy thing…I’m fine.” Dean repeated. “I’m fine, I’m fine.”

Cas nodded. Dean took Cas’s hand. “Are…are you sure?”

“Let’s go to your house.” Dean ran a hand over his face. “I’m fine, Cas.”

It didn’t take very long to get to Cas’s house. The hard part of getting past the Novak siblings. _‘Be prepared, Dean. You’re going to have to listen to all of them inferring or flat out telling you that you are a thing…an abomination.’_

Cas opened the front door and the house was quiet. It was ghostly. Cas slowly sheepishly crossed the kitchen. They easily got up the stairs. “Cas, baby, where is everybody?” Dean finally asked as they stepped into Cas’s room.

Cas looked at the floor. “It’s my mom…” Cas mumbled.

“What about your mom? Is she ok?”

Cas shook his head. “S-She’s in a coma.”

“Oh my God…I’m sorry.” Dean watched Cas closely. He could see his lovers bottom lip quiver. Tears started bubbling up in Cas’s eyes. “Cas, baby, shhh, it’s ok.”

Dean pulled Cas close. “W-We don’t k-know i-if she’s ok.” Dean sat Cas on his bed and laid him down. “T-the doctors don’t k-know wh-what’s w-wrong.”

Dean ran his fingers through Cas’s hair. He curled around his boyfriend. “I think we should both take a nap. Dean looked at the clock and saw it was 2 in the afternoon.

“I love you, Dean.” Cas whimpered.

Cas turned over and nuzzled into Dean as he heard the front door open and loud voices appeared.

“2 months, Michael. He has two fucking months.” There was a door slam.

“We are going to help Gabe, Luci.” The other voice yelled.

“Don’t call me, Luci, Michael!” Lucifer yelled.

“We are going to help him raise that baby.” Michael said with a less aggressive voice than Lucifer. Dean just kept listening. “We are not going to let that baby have a father like we did.”

“What if that baby turns out like Castiel?”

“Not now!” Michael shouted. “He is getting better! Whatever him and that boy Dean do is helping Castiel! We are not fighting about! Not right now! Not with Mom!”

“Mom isn’t getting better! That means soon **_YOU_** are going to be the one in charge…it mght happened soon.”

“SHUT UP! No! She is going to get better! Michael yelled.

Dean drifted to sleep with the sound of the two men fighting. He couldn’t help but close his eyes and let his mind get lulled to sleep. _‘Why did I close my eyes? Why did I let myself fall asleep.’_ Dean thought right before he drifted off.

*******


	53. Red Eyes, Red Thoughts

 

                 “NO! CAS! NO PLEASE!” Castiel heard as soon as it started, eyes popping open. He quickly got up and saw his boyfriend fighting himself and struggling. “NO! NO! CAS PLEASE!” He shouted accidentally flinging his hand at Cas’s cheek scratching him with his nail.

                 Castiel grabbed his cheek and eyes wide. He could feel a tiny bit of blood, on his finger. He was even more panicked now. ‘ _It’s just—just a little blood Cas…Nothing to be afraid of…just don’t look at it…’_ He was shaking a bit but closed his eyes, then the screaming started again. “CAS! STOP! PLEASE!” Dean yelled.

                 “D-DEAN WAKE UP!” Castiel shook him getting on his knees, pinning him down. “DEAN! WAKE UP!” Castiel yelled, shaking his lover. “I’M RIGHT HERE. IT’S A DREAM!” He shouted. He straddled onto Dean as his legs and arms where struggling to get away again.

                 “DEAN! WAKE UP!” He shouted again. No one must have been home because they would be able to hear Cas’s screams.

                 Castiel could feel a tiny shiver of blood creeping down his cheek. ‘ _Don’t think or look at it Cas…Now is not the time to pass out…’_ He told himself, closing his eyes as he kept Dean down. “DEAN! WAKE! UP!” He screamed, eyes getting watery in panic.

                 Castiel pinned his names down, and sat on his knees beside him. Next thing he knew, the side of his leg and down where getting a warm liquid down the end. “DEAN! GET UP! IT’S A DREAM! PLEASE! PLEASE! WAKE UP!” He shouted pulling off the covers seeing the liquid was yellow and coming from Dean. “DEAN!” He shouted, a tear hitting his small cut and burning.

                 He was shaking and could see the red on the side of his face. Cas quickly closed his eyes and took one hand off of Dean to cover his mouth. ‘ _Don’t look at it Cas! Don’t!’_ He thought himself. “NO!” Dean yelled shooting up seeing Cas with his eyes closed, coughing into his hand.

                 Castiel opened his eyes seeing Dean staring at him, not saying a word. Dean looked down and saw what had done, then looked at Cas and thought the same. It was as if time was as slow his heart beat. A tear fell off the side of Dean’s face. “Cas…Oh God, Cas, I’m sorry!” Dean shook out of his mouth, shaking, and tearing up.

                 Castiel was wide eyed but knew it wasn’t the time to be panicked. He needed to hide it for Dean. He held his breath for a second and began to talk. “D-Dean, it’s,” He closed his eyes and breathed in again, shaking from how hard it was not to stutter. His nerves where flying out the roof.

                 “Dean it’s all okay…” He mumbled holding in tears himself. Dean shook his head and put his hands to his face. “It’s all my fault…I’m so sorry…” He cried out, his chest going up and down with tiny hiccups. “No, no, no…” Castiel calmly stated getting close to Dean and wrapping his arms around him.

                 “It’s all okay Dean, nothing to be sorry for, baby…I’m here…” Castiel kissed his forehead and held him tight making Dean instantly sink into his grip. “I’m so sorry Cas, I’m so sorry…” Castiel closed his eyes and kissed Dean’s head twice. “Everything is fine baby, I promise…” Castiel looked down at his lover who was calming down in his grip.

                  “Let’s get me and you washed off, okay?” Castiel said, calm himself. Dean looked up and nodded. Castiel grabbed his hand and helped him up. He grabbed the covers and sheets with him and show Dean where the bathroom was while he went to take the sheets and covers into the washing machine.

                 When Castiel came back he was faced with his boyfriend half-dressed with the shower on. Castiel shut the door behind him, letting the heat be trapped in the room. Dean didn’t even notice Castiel came in the room because he bent over and Castiel got a load of ass. “Is—is it hot enough?” Castiel asked because his face was getting hot as he stared at Dean’s bare ass, facing him. Dean turned around looking at his boyfriend.

                 Dean walked over closed to him as if he had no care in the world. He touched Cas’s shirt and pulled it up and over his head. “Thank you Cas…” He whispered, stroking Cas’s cheek. Dean rubbed the tiny cut that Dean assumed he had made.

                 “I think we’re both stressed.” Dean said noting even trying to sneak his fingers under Cas’s pants. He pulled them down slowly, feeling Castiel’s smooth legs, although one of them was dirty from what Dean had done.

                 “But, do you know what is a relaxer?” Dean whispered in Cas’s ear. “Sex…” He mumbled.

                 Castiel gulped as Dean kissed the tip of his ear and getting into his shower. Castiel followed instantly getting dragged into a kiss by Dean under the water; his tongue sinking into Dean’s mouth. They closed their eyes and sucked on each other, rubbing their cocks together for the attention they needed.

                 Dean brought down his hand and pushed Cas’s leg up around his thigh. He kept kissing Castiel as his finger sneaked itself inside Cas’s tight hole. Castiel gasped, a small moan coming from his lips. His boyfriend’s finger worked its way in deeper, sneaking a second finger in without warning. Castiel hissed and groaned in pain and some pleasure.

                 Dean kissed Cas’s lips again and again. “Ssh, baby.” Dean moaned between kisses. Dean smoothed his finger in and deep. Cas let out a loud shout and Dean knew he hit his prostate. “Right there baby?” Dean asked kissing him on the neck. Cas nodded, gasping as he dug in that same spot over and over again.

                 Dean kissed Cas’s neck and down, then pushed Cas softly up against the shower wall. “Put your foot on the shower’s edge baby. It’ll be less painful.” Dean asked kissing him on the shoulder. Castiel nodded and put his leg up to the edge of the tub.

                 Dean kissed down Cas’s back and rubbed water on Cas’s hole before slowly sticking his cock in. Castiel groaned and gasped and bit on his hand. ‘ _Ssh Cas, it’s okay.’_ Dean kissed his shoulder, getting deeper in.

                 Castiel was in pain and bit down hard on his hand. ‘ _Why does it hurt so bad this time?’_ Castiel thought moaning more than usually. “You okay, baby?” Dean asked not moving anymore. ‘ _Tell him the truth Cas…’_

                 “I’m fine, baby.” Castiel whimpered pushing the pain away. Dean kept going his whole length inside Cas, hitting his prostate. The pain was being filled with pleasure. “D-Dean!” He shouted as his throbbing member twitched.

                 Before Cas knew it Dean cumming into him fast and hard with every thrust. Castiel clenched his hole from the pleasure. “Oh baby, you’re so tight.” He moaned then seeing Cas’s still erected cock. Dean moved his hand and rubbed his boyfriend’s cock with every thrust. “I’m—Ah…” Castiel gasped and cum fell onto Dean’s fingertips and hand. Dean slowly rubbed him through the orgasm and kissed his back all over. He pulled out of Cas before Cas knew it, and kissed Cas’s neck.

                 Castiel panted and went down to his knees, Dean following him. He never noticed until now how skinny Dean was, but he was too out of energy to say anything about it. “To bed?” Castiel panted.

                 Dean nodded turning the shower off and getting a towel for him and Cas. They dried each other off and kissed. “Dean, I’ll be there in one second.” Castiel said letting Dean walk away to his room. Cas was hurting so bad. He leaned down and touched his sore hole. He could feel a liquid that was more liquid than cum.

                 So, of course he touches it and brings his fingers to see it. ‘ _Oh God…Oh my God…’_ Castiel thought as his head spun, passing out on the bathroom floor.

                 He was bleeding.


	54. He Smiled, I Tried To Smile, He Stopped Smiling

Dean pulled on some of Cas’s boxers. He knew Cas wouldn’t mind. He sat down on the stripped bed and looked down at his hands. They were shaking more than this morning.

He didn’t know how long he was staring at his hands before he realized Cas hadn’t comeback yet. He slowly got off the bed to make sure he didn’t receive a head rush. He walked out of the bedroom and saw the bathroom light was still on. “Cas? What’s taking so long?” Dean asked entering the bathroom.

His eyes immediately connected to Cas’s body laying belly down on the ground butt naked passed out. Dean dropped to his knees and lightly tapped Cas’s face. “Cas, baby, wake up for me please.”

 _‘Why do I always hurt Cas when I try to make love with him?’_ Dean gave Cas a once over and found why Cas fainted…Blood. It had already come to mind that Cas might have already been on edge because Dean scratched him in his sleep and cut his cheek.

Dean mentally slapped himself. _‘you stupid, fuck up. You can’t even stretch out and prep a guy’s asshole properly without him tearing. You caused Cas to feel more pain than pleasure, you stupid fuck’_

He remembered Cas telling him that his mother was a some sort of doctor. She might have a better first aid kit. Under the bathroom sink he found the proper stitching equipment and rubbing alcohol. He was glad Cas was unconscious for the moment. He unscrewed the bottle cap and gently spread apart Cas’s butt cheeks.

He slowly dribbled the disinfectant onto his lover’s cut hole. He heard Cas’s light groan in pain even in his unconscious mind. He took some toilet paper and dabbed the wound to clean away the blood and alcohol. Cas started to stir awake. Dean placed a hand on Cas’s back. “Cas, baby, this is going to hurt a little bit. You’re precious little hole tore a little bit. It needs a stitch or two so can you just bear with me. I think these are the stitches that dissolve so you don’t have to worry about them being removed.”

Dean started working on Cas butt as gentle as possible. It wasn’t until he was done that Cas became vocal. Dean stood slowly and washed his hands then cleaned up the mess. “D’n? Cas mumbled lifting his head hazily.

“Right here, baby. You are on the bathroom floor. You’re plump hole tore a little bit and it require a stitch, two to be exact. You should be fine. Let’s get you in some clothes and back to bed. It’s getting late and we are both really tired.” Dean tried to smile.

Dean helped Cas stand and walk to his room. With every step Cas winced. “I’m sorry, baby. We’re almost to your bed. You just need to put on some boxers.” Dean said gently. Dean helped him step into his boxers and then lead Cas to the stripped bed. Dean made the decision to flip the mattress because of what he had done earlier. After that Cas laid down on the bed and Dean grabbed a blanket and they snuggled close together.

 _‘Everything is going to be ok, Dean. Cas isn’t going to hate you. It was an accident. He will understand. He will understand that you didn’t mean to hurt him. What if he doesn’t?’_ Dean thought as Cas pulled himself closer to Dean. _‘You remember your first time with Cas. You cut up his fucking back. You carried him home. You know he doesn’t like blood and you fucking hurt him. How will you ever forgive yourself? Cas will think you are on purposely hurting him. He will break up with you. You’re such a fuck up, Dean’_

Dean fell asleep with that thought. It was a dreamless sleep that was full of sorrow and hatred.

**_& ^%$#@#$^&^%$#@#$&*&^%$_ **

**_2 WEEKS LATER…_ **

Dean woke up that morning and dragged himself out of bed and pulled on jeans and his favorite steel toed boots. It was Saturday so he was heading to the park bench. Cas never talked about what happened 2 weeks ago. He says he’s ok when Dean brings it up. Every times Dean feels more guilty.

Dean looked in his full length mirror behind his door and hated his image. _‘Not good enough. Dad wouldn’t approve.’_ He grabbed a belt and wrapped it around his waist to keep his pants up. He pulled on a Metallica shirt then a flannel. He shivered and looked around his room. Dad had taken away his leather jacket. He found an old sweatshirt in the back of his closet. It was thicker and a little too big for him. Must have been John’s at one point. He pulled it over his head and nodded. He felt a little warmer.

Dean never noticed because it had been winter up until a month ago. He has been cold…really cold. Even with the heater on in Kate’s car when she drives him and Sam to school doesn’t help. He’s still cold. It used to be that he could wrap himself around Cas and feel warm, but that doesn’t work anymore.

Even now, Dean tries to get his normal run in but he doesn’t have the energy. He is able to half run half walk to the park bench every morning and evening on weekends and every evening on weekdays but that’s it. It’s like his energy is getting ripped away.

Cas doesn’t to be aware of Dean’s problems. Dean likes to keep it that way. Cas should worry about Dean. Dean should worry about Cas and only Cas…and Sammy. Nothing is more important. He walked out of his room and down the steps. It was early at 9:30 in the morning. Dean knew Kate was working this Saturday and wouldn’t be back until later this evening. Which meant Adam was at daycare. Sammy was spent the night with his friend Brady. Dean easily snuck out of the house. Today was different for Dean. He couldn’t run very far. He started and got off his street and was panting heavily. It wasn’t but a block he had run. He still had two miles left to run.

He forced himself to run even though it was exhausting and painful. His side were cramping up and his lungs burned. His head was spinning. He felt nauseous but knew he couldn’t throw up. He saw the park bench and noticed it was empty. He had time to put his head on straight. He basically collapsed onto the bench. His breathing was labored and hard. He let out a dry cough. He sat up and sat back in the seat. He could feel his body shaking hard. He couldn’t tell if he was cold or exerted too much energy…he was both cold and exhausted.

It took half an hour to get his breathing back to normal but his body was still shaking. 15 minutes later he saw Cas nearing the bench and he smiled. He watched Cas walked over to Dean. He was wearing tan cargo short and plain white short sleeve t-shirt. Cas was smiling. Cas beamed happiness. That made Dean happy. Cas finished the last stretch of his walk to the bench with a light jog. That’s when Cas made a weird face at Dean. Cas cocked his head to the side and squinted his eyes.

Dean was confused and kinda terrified of what Cas was thinking. Dean looked down at his hands and watched them shaking a little more than they had 2 weeks ago. Dean took a deep shaky breath and look back at Cas whose eyes burned through his skin like acid. “Good Morning, Cas.” Dean tried to smile. Cas stopped smiling.

_******* _


	55. As long as you're around

 

                 Things were getting better for Castiel. He was actually smiling as he woke up on the Saturday morning, jumping into his shorts and a fresh, white t-shirt. He looked into the mirror, and saw himself, just as he was. Dean would be proud of him.

                 His Mother was still in the hospital, not in a coma but there. The doctors were starting tests on her that day which made Castiel happy. When he got out of bed, he heard yelling from one of his brother’s rooms. ‘ _Ignore it Cas, it’s going to be a good day…’_

He could hear it was Gabriel. Gabriel and his ex, Kali where not on good terms, but it was Gabriel’s baby too and he wanted to know what was going on with it. They would fight over the phone, but at least Castiel knew they weren’t talking about him.

                 He rushed down the stairs and out the door, getting hit by the heat instantly. He smiled; even the warmth made him happy. The sun was shining on him, not a bit of wind hitting his skin. The clouds were perfectly fluffed and high in the sky.

                 He could see someone sitting at the bench. That was his and Dean’s bench, they hadn’t seen anyone at that park every since they made met there.

                 Castiel started to jog; he wanted to see Dean as soon as possible. He was smiling, charm still shining from the tip of his hair to the stubble on his chin. That was until he _really_ saw Dean.

                 The green eyes hit his blue and they were not shining. There was no bit of life in them at all, as if it’d been sucked out by a mosquito. His lover was wearing a sweat-shirt in the heat. He was shaking and tried to smile as Cas looked him in the eye.

                 Cas frowned. “Good Morning, Cas.” He spook, as Castiel stared. Cas didn’t want to talk about it, he couldn’t. Dean would leave him, he knew that. “M-morning.” Castiel stuttered. ‘ _Calm down Cas, calm down. You can’t have him knowing that you’re worried about him. He’ll shun you out. He’ll hate you and leave you for good.’_

Dean cocked his eyebrows up in confusion. “You okay Cas, you stuttered a little there?” He asked. ‘ _Dang it Cas, you did it now. You can’t lie to Dean. You love Dean, you cannot lie to him! Tell him you’re worried, it’ll be alright.’_

“Y-yeah, I’m fine. I’m just—just a little worried.” Castiel confessed not looking at Dean, but at his feet. He wished he could take off his shoes; he hated shoes so much. Dean nodded. “Is it your mother?” He asked carefully taking Cas by surprise. “N-no, it’s just…c-can you take off your—your s-s-sweatshirt?” Castiel closed his eyes and held his breath. Dean gave a confused a face, but laughed.

                 “At least buy me dinner first, Cas.” He added in for a joke. Castiel looked up with pleading eyes, telling Dean it wasn’t a joke. Dean bit his lip. “Alright, I’ll take it off, if you come closer to me.”

                 Castiel nodded as Dean stripped off his jacket, a bit of his shirt coming up with it showing his thinning skin. He was still wearing a flannel over it, but that was Dean. Cas couldn’t tell him to take that off too.

                 As promised, Castiel got closer to Dean, sitting by his side. Dean pulled him closer. Castiel laid his head back against him, still worried. ‘ _He’s just cold…He’s probably not feeling well…Nothing to worry about Cas.’_ Dean shivered against Cas, making Cas think harder.

                 Dean saw him looking and smiled. He wrapped his arms around Cas and moved him onto his lap and kissed him on the lips. “Are you worried about me, Cas?” He asked calmly, smiling softly at his boyfriend. Castiel nodded. ‘ _I wish I could just lie…’_ He thought to himself.

                 “Well baby,” He moved Cas even closer in his lap that cuddling wouldn’t even be a word to describe it. “I’m perfectly fine.” Dean stated kissing Castiel on the lips again. “Nothing to worry about,” He kissed his lover again with passion and lust leaking from his pores. “Okay?”

                 “Okay, baby…” Castiel timidly said kissing his boyfriend back as he wrapped his arms around his neck. Dean kept the kiss going, it was more than a kiss or a make-out moment. It was Dean telling him he’d be there with him no matter what. Everything was okay as long as Cas was by Dean’s side and everything was okay as long as Dean was Cas’s side.

                 The day went on and soon the sun was going down. Cas and Dean had sat at that bench all day, telling each other about what was happening in their life or just sitting together; nothing was going to break them.

                 Dean’s phone buzzed as they watched the sun fall and the moon rise. Sam had texted him to come home, Cas didn’t know why. “Meet again tomorrow?” Dean asked, smiling, eyes low and tired. Castiel nodded. Dean started to get up only to turn around for Cas.

                 “I love you Cas.” He said before Castiel was even off his feet. He smiled and kissed him. “I love you too Dean.” He said with pride.

                 Castiel walked home, the opposite side of Dean. He tried to watch and see how Dean was leaving. He was jogging, but it was so slow. ‘ _He promised everything will be okay, remember? He is okay, with you.’_ Castiel thought and turned around from Dean’s site.

                 When he got home people where home and Cas wanted answer right away. “What’s g-going on?” Castiel asked as all his brothers and sister where in the Den talking. They seemed as scared as Cas. “Good news Cas!” Gabriel shouted getting glares from the siblings. “They found out what Mom has.”

                 “What does she—“

                 “I’m sorry Castiel, but it’s best for us not to tell you…” Michael interrupted him in midsentence. Lucifer rolled his eyes. “There is bad news though…” Anna said quietly getting Cas’s attention. He looked at them. No one wanted to give him the bad news.

                 Lucifer rolled his eyes once again and punched his fist down onto the table with a loud **_thrash_**. The rooms eyes where all on him. “She’s getting fucking surgery and it’s a 50/50 percent—“

                 “Shut the fuck up!” Balthazar said grabbing him by the mouth to shut him up. “Well damn, Balthazar, I just thought he should know the truth!”

                 Castiel looked at his feet. Lucifer didn’t need to finish that sentence anyway. That’s what he assumed. He looked down at his feet and started walking to the stairs, glancing at their mother’s room. No one had been in there in weeks.

                 “Castiel!” Michael shouted, the room fell silent again. “She’s going to be okay.” He calmly stated. Castiel looked down and ran up the stairs, hearing one last yelling from one of his brothers. “Damn it Lucifer! You just had to be the asshole you are and tell him that!”

                 “He deserved to know!”

                 “But now he’s going to be stuck in his stupid little no talking fazes and stutter even more! He already is messed up, why make it worse?”

                 Castiel stopped listening, shutting the door close and locking it. ‘ _As long as Dean is here, you’ll always be okay.’_ He nodded and smiled, pushing away the facts his brothers had stated.

                _‘As long as Dean is here.’_


	56. It Was Only Tuesday

It was only Tuesday. Dean didn’t know how he was going to get through the rest of the week. He was getting colder and was getting winded by just going from class to class. He couldn’t let Cas know. Tuesday Cas and Dean walked to the park bench after school.

Today was different. He was exhausted. He didn’t want to leave Cas but he was so tired. Cas takes his hand as they got off campus. Cas was walking faster than Dean would have liked but Dean kept up with his boyfriend.

He was suppressing heavy breathing. There was no need to worry Cas. He practically collapsed on the bench. CAs made a weird face at him so he added a ‘I won’ so Cas would roll his eyes. It made Dean happy that Cas was finally smiling. He seemed even happier as of two days ago.

“What’s got you in a preppy mood?” Dean asked.

“I have good news. “ Cas shyly smiled.

“What’s going on?” Dean smiled. Cas scooted closer to Dean.

Cas took Dean’s boney hand. “The doctors found out what was wrong with my mom and she went into surgery 2 days ago.”

Dean smiled. “That’s great. How is she doing?”

“They are monitoring her at the moment but she’s better.” Cas smiled wider.

“You should go see you mom and be with your family right now, Cas. “ Dean suggested. “I need to get home. I’m tired. I’ve had a long exhausting day at school. Your family is more important than me.”

Cas shook his head. “We would just be waiting around a waiting room waiting for her to wake up so we all can go in and talk with her. Only one person is allowed to go in there at a time. Michael hogs visiting hours. I think he’s scared of losing Mama.”

“What if she wakes up and you’re not there. What would she think?” Dean added.

Cas stared at Dean, then nodded. “You’re right.”

“Of course I’m right. Now, go to the hospital. Wait for your Mom awakening. When she doesn’t wake up tell her I said hope she feels better and I can’t wait to meet this wonderful woman.” Dean smiled.

Cas gave a toothy grin and energetically lunched towards Dean kissing him passionately. Dean cupped Cas’s jaw. Dean kissed back with less energy. With a sharp intake of air Dean pulled back. “You should go, baby.”

Cas nodded the rose to his feet. “I love you, Dean.”

“I love you too, Cas.” Dean smiled and ever so slowly rose to his feet. He watched Cas walk off and when Cas turned the corner Dean started walking dizzily to his house.

It took his just under half an hour to get home, which was horrible. He opened the front door and Kate and Sam were heading towards the door. “Hey Dean, can you babysit Adam for a few hours? Sam and I are going to go to the store to stock up on food.”

“Yeah, sure.” Dean replied stunned at the sudden request. He stepped into the living room and took off his shoes and threw his book bag on a chair before flopping on the couch and wrapping up in a blanket. He still wasn’t warm but it would have to do.

“Dean?” Adam asked walking up to the older man.

“Yeah, little man?”

Adam crawled onto the couch. “Can you play with me? I gots your action figures. We can play with them.”

Dean shook his head. “Not right now, Adam.”

“How about tag?” Adam suggested jumping off the couch.

“No, Adam, I don’t want to get up.”

“Please, De. Sam never wants to play with me. He says he’s too old to play tag.” Adam pouted.

“Adam, I’m really tired. How about you draw a picture for Mommy for when she gets home?” Dean suggested curling up into a tighter ball to get warm.

“Ok, De. Play with me later?”

Dean nodded. “Later.” Dean watched Adam draw a picture but sound he could feel his eyelids growing heavy. He could feel his body giving in to sleep. It wasn’t until there was loud voice that woke him up.

“De! I sleepy!” Adam moaned. Dean wiped a hand down his face. He sat up slowly. “I sleepy.”

Dean nodded. “Well, let’s get you to bed, little man.” Dean stood and stretch out his hand to lead him upstairs but Adam rose both hands. He wanted to be carried. “No, Adam. I can’t carry you.”

“Up! UP!” He shouted.

Dean sighed and placed his hands under Adam’s underarms. He ungracefully lifted Adam onto his hip and began walking towards the stairs. He lifted one foot to take the first step on the stairs. His knees shook violently and he feel to the ground taking Adam with him.

Adam was just a bit shaken up and landed on top of Dean. He freaked him out and now he was cranky. “I wanna go to bed!” Adam squealed.

Dean was getting annoyed. He stood slowly avoiding a head rush. He took Adam’s hands and took a step up the stairs.

“Up!” Adam yelled crankily.

“SHUT UP!” Dean snapped. “I know you are sleepy! I can’t lift you! We are walking upstairs and I’ll read you a bed time story and you’ll go to sleep.”

Tears bubbled up in Adam’s eyes and his bottom lips quivered. He took Dean’s hand and they walked upstairs. After three stories Adam was peacefully asleep. Dean walked into his room and passed out on his bed. He was going to regret yelling at Adam. ‘Kate is going to hate him. Why did he yell at the boy? You’re such a stupid fuck.’

**_***_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the shorter chapter, i didn't want to give anything away and this is all i could do i hope you enjoyed it! :D  
> ~~ bringmesomepie


	57. Have I Ever Told You How Much I Love You?

**_3 days later…_ **

                 Friday. Friday was always Castiel’s favorite day. It was the day he’d get out of school for the weekend, the day where he could be awake for as long as he wanted, and most of all spend his time with Dean, his boyfriend and lover.

                 School was over that day and Cas was walking to the park with Dean as they always did. It was there place, it was where they knew they could be themselves. Castiel was happy for once in his life. He had Dean and that was reason enough for him to be happy.

                 The park bench was hot, but they still cuddled into each other. Castiel wished they could stay there forever, just together in peace. Dean held Cas’s had although his was shaking. “Are you okay, baby?” Castiel asked looking at his shaky, boney hand. The corner of Dean’s mouth went up. His smile was soft, but had charm to it.

                 “I’m perfect, Cas.” He spook in a whisper. Castiel’s eyebrows cocked downwards in confusion and worry. “Dean, I—“

                 He was broken off by a kiss from his lover. Cas touched his lips in surprise looking at Dean’s green eyes. They were dull and faded. Castiel was past worried about him, he was terrified. “What was—“

                 He was cut off again by yet another kiss by Dean. “Ssssh…” Dean whispered getting close to Cas. “I’m perfect, Cas…” He smiled and wrapped his arms around him. “And you are perfect too.” The sound coming out of his mouth was low and his breathing was hard. Castiel bit his lips and let Dean talk.

                 “Castiel, do you know how beautiful you are?” He asked getting closer to him, showing Cas the chill-bumps on his arms and the bags under his eyes. Dean was smiling, and although Cas was terrified he didn’t know what else to do. So, he smiled back at him.

                 “Do you Cas?” He asked touching his lips with cold fingertips. Castiel didn’t know what to say, he didn’t think he was beautiful, he just knew Dean was proud of him for what he had done. Dean kissed him for what seemed to be for hours in just a moment. It was full of passion and lust.

                 “Dean, why are you saying all this?” Castiel asked looking him in the eyes only to be kissed again. “Dean—“

                 “Cas, I’m saying it because you’re mine. You’re perfect, Cas. You’re beautiful and I want you to know that…” Dean stated in a calm tone, kissing him again with aggressive, but loving passion. Castiel kissed him back not knowing what else to say or do. Dean was calming and touched Cas with grace, slipping his fingers up Cas’s shirt.

                 “D-Dean, what are y-you?” Castiel asked looking around. Dean leaned over and kissed the tip of Cas’s ear. “I want to love you,” He slid his cold finger down Cas’s back under his now loose shirt. “I want to show you how much I love you,” Dean kissed Cas on the lips and finished his sentence, “Right here on this park bench.”

                 “But, D-Dean what if—“

                 “Baby, no one has come here since the day we started coming. Don’t be afraid of what could happen, because I’m here…As long as I’m here,” He lifted up Cas’s shirt over his head and kissed him on the lips. “Everything will be okay.”

                 Castiel nodded and felt the warm air hit his skin. Dean lifted up his own shirt and let Castiel look. His bones were defined by his skin that was thin as if by the touch, he would break. Castiel let out a gasp of shock that hit the warm air with shock.

                 “D-Dean, what happened—“

                 He wanted cry, but his eyes wouldn’t let him. “Ssssh…” Dean said kissing Cas’s lips that where trembling. He kissed Cas over and over again. “I’m perfect, Cas.” He said again. He slid his hand under Cas’s pants loop and leaned against him. The shaking was now more pronounced as his own body was on Cas’s.

                 He pressed Castiel, fully down on the bench and kissed him with the same love he always had. His hands where cold as they started to pull Cas’s pants and boxers down. “D-Dean—“

                 “Ssssh Cas, everything is going to be okay…” Dean whispered, kissing him once more. Castiel swallowed his spit at the back of his throat and let Dean pull them down all the way to his ankles, letting them fall to the ground.

                 Dean began to took his off, standing up in front of Cas, showing him his all. Castiel shivered at the sight of his lover, his bottom lip trembled once more. He had to close his eyes. Dean slowly got on top of Cas, said the same thing. “Ssssh, it’s okay…I’m perfect, Cas.” He whispered, looking into the ocean of his blue eyes.

                 Castiel breathed in a shaky breath and nodded. Dean smiled, so Cas did the same. His lips met Cas’s with a cold touch. “Relax baby.” Dean stated, wetting his fingers by sticking them in Cas’s mouth. Castiel sucked at them as if they were his and he was a child again.

                 Dean’s fingers where cold against Cas’s hole, but soft touches were only made. Castiel tensed up only to hear his lover speak again. “Ssssh, baby.” He whispered kissing the inner of his thigh. His finger dug inside him, preparing him for what Dean had.

                 He was slow and calm, the kisses on the inner of his thigh smooth and loving. By the time his second finger was in, the stretching and pain was more pronounced. Cas bit his lip and groaned, it was still tender from the last time.

                 “It’s all okay baby…” Dean whispered, kissing at the inner of Cas’s thigh again. “It’s all okay…” He mumbled. The third finger was rough but slow as Dean wanted it to be. He didn’t want to rush; he just wanted to be here with Cas. Castiel inhaled a sharp breath and bit his lip as Dean dug in deeper, but with soft touches.

                 Dean pulled out and straddled Cas, arching his back to kiss Cas on the lips. “Are you ready, baby?” He asked in a hushed tone. Castiel nodded, looking into his once shining green eyes. Dean wet his finger and wet the outside of Cas’s hole. He wet his cock, with soft touches, not wanting to give himself any love.

                 Castiel closed his eyes, feeling Dean push in carefully. He gasped. “Baby, it’s okay…I’m not gonna leave you hurting…I’m not going let you get hurt.” He said with warmth in his heart. Castiel bit down on his lip and glazed at the sun that was starting to go down.

                 Dean stuck in more, slow and careful to Cas. By the time he was fully in Castiel was ready, he knew he was. Dean smiled down at Cas, making Cas smile at him. Dean’s face had never seemed so happy in weeks.

                 Dean thrust slow and made sure Cas was okay. Castiel would cry out, and moan letting Dean know he was there. Castiel closed his eyes, the pleasure overwhelming his insides. He felt Dean fill him up on the inside, moaning Cas’s name seconds before Cas let out his cry.

                 Dean thrust him through it and kissed him while sliding out. They laid there heart to heart, skin touching skin. Every time Cas moved he could feel the bones from Dean, digging into him like blade.

                 “Cas?” Dean said calmly, his breath shaking. “Yes, baby?” Castiel answered, looking out to the sunset that was happening. “I’m proud of you.” He let out looking Cas, in the eye. Castiel looked up, mouth ajar and eyes wide. “What do you mean, baby?” He asked, timid.

                 Dean smiled. “I’m so proud of you, Cas.” He let his fingers dance in Cas’s hair, smiling wide. “And I’m so sorry…” He looked up, and you could see all his emotion being poured out from one tear in his eye.

                 “No, no, no Dean, it’s okay!” Castiel leaned up and wrapped his arms around his boyfriend. “It’s all okay.” Cas mumbled out, thick tears falling onto his shirt. Dean shook his head, but was still smiling down at his lover. “Have I ever told you, how much I love you?” He asked, another tear escaping the grasp of his eye. His breath hitched, and was slow. He could hear his heart-beat against his.

                 Castiel shook his head. “Dean, it’s okay, don’t cry…please.” He let out in with a raw tone in his voice. “I love you more than anyone could love a person, Cas. I love you so much that I’d give my life for you, I’d do anything for you and I’m sorry.”

                 “It’s okay Dean, I love you too.” Castiel felt tears whelping up in his eyes. “It’s all okay Dean, I’m here.”

                 “I’m so sorry, baby, so sorry.” Dean shout, tear falling onto Cas. Castiel shook his head. “It’s okay Dean! I’m here…” He held Dean in his arms, trying not to let a tear escape his eye. “There’s no day that goes by Cas, that I don’t think about you. You’re the one I love, and I will love forever and I’m so sorry.”

                 “Dean, please…it’s okay.” Castiel wrapped his arms tight around Dean held his breath. “Cas, I’m so proud of you and what you’ve become and I want you to know that.” He paused took a shaky, heavy breath. “You’re so strong now, you’re the strongest person I know and you’ve grown into the most perfect person alive. Don’t ever think differently…” He said closing his eyes as if just talking was taking his energy away.

                 “Stand up for yourself from now on, okay?” He pleaded as he wiped the tear from Cas’s face. Castiel nodded. “Okay Dean, I will, I promise…” He held his breath. “Why are you telling me all this, Dean?” Castiel asked.

                 Dean’s breathing was hitched and heavy. “Cas, I love you so much and—and I don’t deserve the love you give me. I don’t deserve you.”

                 “Dean don’t say that! Don’t ever say that!” Castiel shouted grabbing on to Dean tight. “You deserve me as much as I deserve you and I love you. I can’t live without you Dean.” Castiel wiped the tears off of Dean’s face. “I’m so sorry Cas…” Dean whimpered out.

                 Castiel shook his head. “It’s okay Dean, I’m here. I love you and will always be here for you.” Dean smiled and got up getting his clothes on and giving Cas his. They got their clothes on and hung onto each other with grace.

                 Dean looked him into the eyes. He didn’t want to let go, although they had been there for a long time and needed to get to their families. Dean touched Cas’s hand and wouldn’t let go, kissing it over and over again. His breathing was loud and his skin was freezing.

                 “Let go Cas…” He whispered. Castiel looked up in confusion. “I need you to let go of my hand, Cas…” Castiel slowly let go, and Dean sighed with a smile. They separated and walked a inch before looking back at each other.

                 “Can I come visit you tomorrow?”  Castiel asked, looking at his skinny body. Dean nodded. “I love you, Cas.” He spook in a calm but happy tone. Dean smiled and walk forward to Cas. “I love you too, Dean.” He smiled and kissed Dean on the lips. They parted ways, Cas looking at the shadow of his boyfriend from the streetlight dawning on him.

                 Castiel saw Dean’s back round the corner and he was gone. He walked home, the lights where still on which was a surprise to him. He walked into the house seeing his family all in the den together in peace. One face caught his attention from the others; his mother was home.

                 “Mama!” Castiel yelled running over to her, smiling. She stood up and smiled, hugging her boy. “I missed you, Castiel.” She spoke. “Oh, mama! You have so much to see, tomorrow, I’m gonna bring my friend over here and you’re going to meet him! He’s been waiting to meet you!” Castiel shouted hugging his mother close.

                 She smiled held him tight. “Okay, my little angel…anything you want.” Castiel smiled and looked around at his family. Everyone was smiling and happy, and everything seemed okay.

                 He walked up the stairs, smiling, going to his room. The moon shined in from the outside making Castiel stare. ‘ _Dean is going to love seeing you this happy…’_ He thought. ‘ _I can’t wait.’_


	58. I Won't Let You Down, De.

Talking with Cas was one of the hardest things Dean had ever done. He was getting winded by just talking. The hardest part of making Cas let go of his hand. If he could he would have never let go, but he had to go home.

He was so tired. Walking was a challenge now. He was always cold. Not ever his sweatshirt and a blanket could keep him warm.

Kate wasn’t home from work yet when Dean got home. That meant Adam was still at daycare. He walked into the living room to set his book bag now when he saw Sam absently watching TV. “How was school, Sammy?”

“Fine, I guess.” Sam shrugged.

“Come on, Sammy.” Dean tried to bring up his energy. “In a few months you’ll be in middle school. How do you feel about that?”

“I don’t know. I’m kinda scared.” Sam revealed.

“You should be scared, Sammy. You got friends and you are wicked smart.” Dean smiled.

“You think so, De?” Sam asked beaming a smile Dean always love to see.

Dean smiled and held back tears. “Yeah, buddy. Don’t let Dad tell you what to do with your life, ok Sammy.”

Sam nodded. “I won’t. Dean, is it true that Dad coming home soon?”

“Yeah, Sammy. Don’t be like Dad, you hear me? I want you to become I big shot lawyer with a pretty girl on your arm.”

“Why are you telling me these things Dean?” Sam asked wide eyed.

Dean could feel the knot building up in his throat. “I just felt like this was a good time to tell you, Sammy. That’s all.”

“You’re scaring me, Dean.”

“Don’t be scared, Sam.” Dean looked down at his shaking hands. “You know whenever Dad would go on his trips and leave me in charge for a few days he would always tell me the same thing. He’d say. “Watch out for Sammy. Look after your little brother, boy.” I’d nodded every time. He trusted me with you. I did carry you out of the house the night our house burnt down.”

“Dad never told me that.” Sam remarked.

Dean smirked with tears bubbling up in his eyes lids. “Yeah, he wouldn’t. He doesn’t like to talk about that time.” Dean chuckled. “He thinks it’s my fault Mom died.”

“It wasn’t your fault, Dean.”

“I know, Sammy.” Dean smiled and looked at Sam with teary eyes. “Sam, I’m sorry I said those things I said when I was sent to the hospital. I would have done the same. You were helping your old brother. So thank you.”

Sam stared at Dean confused. “No problem, Dean. I was trying to do the right thing.”

‘You know I would never hate you. You’re the only thing in my life that I haven’t ruined. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you for those six months. The one thing that keeps me going every day is knowing that my little brother is headed for bigger and better things. I’m so proud of you, Sammy. You are the most mature 5th grader I have ever known. You are growing up too fast. Slow down and smell the roses, little brother.”

Sam had tears building up in his eyes listening to Dean. “Dean, why…why are you telling me this?”

“I don’t tell you this enough, but I love you, Sammy. I’m so proud of you.” Dean patted Sam’s cheek. Sam dove in for a hug and wrapped his arms around Dean’s small frame.

After a few moments Sam pulled away. “I’m really tired, Sammy, I’m going to go to bed.”

“Was school really stressful?” Sam asked as Dean slowly stood.

“Yeah, but it shouldn’t be hard for you. Goodnight, Sammy.” Dean rose the stairs. He entered his room and pulled off his favorite AC/DC shit and favorite jeans that were ripped at the knees. He grabbed his journal and a pen and wrote.

_‘Talking to Cas was the hardest thing I have ever done. Talking to Sam was the second hardest. I am getting really weak. Today talking was hard to do and catching my breath was harder. I’m good enough now. This is what Dad wanted me to be…nothing. I’m finally happy now. It’s hard to write now. My strength is deteriorating. My eyelids are heavy. I feel faint. I’m finally good enough and that make me happy. Cas is finally happy and Sam is going places, he’s so smart. There’s not a day I go without thinking about my beautiful boyfriends, Cas. I will always love him…Cas…’_

Dean set the book on his bed side table and placed the pen on top and used all the strength he had left to pull the cover to his shoulders. He slowly drifted away. His breathing became slow and his chest came up ever so slightly. His lips parted slightly as his last words formed. _‘Cas.’_ was whispered in a puff of air and Dean drifted into an eternal sleep.

**_* &^%$#@!@#$%^&*&^%$#@!@#$%_ **

**_SAM’s POV_ **

Sam woke up that morning later than normal. Dean usually woke him up if he slept past a certain time. Kate had already left for work, taking Adam to daycare as well. He got out of bed and crossed the room and into the hallway and Dean’s door was still shut.

Sam knocked on the door. “Dean? You up?” There was no answer. He slowly opened the door and looked inside. Dean was sleeping peacefully. He walked across the room over to Dean’s bed. “Time to wake up, Dean. It’s almost 11. You should be awake already. Cas is going to be worried.”

Sam nudged Dean and he was as limp as a ragdoll. Sam touched Dean’s face and he was ice cold. “Dean!” Sam yelled. Dean didn’t even flinch. Sam didn’t even see any movement under Dean’s eyelids. “Dean!”

Sam pulled the covers off Dean and it revealed Dean’s skeleton like figure. Sam could see every bone. “What have you done to yourself, Dean?’ Sam shook him again and nothing. That’s when Sam realized he hadn’t seen Dean’s chest rise or fall. He place a finger under Dean’s nose and felt nothing.

“No, no, no, no, no, You’re supposed to wake up!” Sam shouted with tears running down his face. He was supposed to watch Dean as he went through high school and college. He had been looking up to Dean since he was four. Studying him wanting to be just like his big brother. He thought Dean was getting better. “Wake up, Dean!”

Sam cried on his brother’s chest. He remembered playing action figures with him. Dean would always be the superhero and Sam was the side kick. He remembered when he was five he dressed up as Batman and Dean was nine and dressed up as Superman. He watched Dean jump off the roof and land fine. Sam followed and broke his arm. Dean was the one who took him to the hospital by riding on his bike with Sam on his handle bars.

Sam didn’t know what to do. He was all alone without his brother. Kate didn’t know. Adam shouldn’t know. Cas…oh God…Cas. “Dean. Please, wake up. You’re going to be ok, if you just open your eyes. Please. Don’t die. You’re my brother. You’re supposed to help me with life and Dad. You’re supposed to always be there for me. Don’t leave me, De. What am I supposed to do now? You can’t leave me!”

Sam heard knocking at the door. He flinched and sat up. He cracked the front door and looked out. He saw Cas’s face beam. It went from happy one moment to terrified the next. “What’s wrong, Sam?”

Sam choked out a sob. “It’s Dean…”

Cas’s face went white. “W-what’s wrong?”

“He’s dead.” Sam sobbed. Cas darted into the house and into Dean’s room where he saw the life less form that use to be Dean on the bed.

He crawled onto the bed and touched Dean’s cheek. It was colder. Sam watched Cas breakdown from the doorway. “Dean? Wake up? You knew I was coming today. I was going to take you to see my mom. You can’t leave me!”

Sam’s tears grew bigger as he watched Dean’s boyfriends fall apart. Sam had never seen Dean more than when he was with Cas. He never wanted this to happen. Sam ran to get the phone and dialed 9-1-1. He told them his brother was dead. They were coming.

Cas was sobbing. “We were finally happy and normal! I was finally normal! It’s not true! You can’t be dead! You’re not dead! Wake up, Dean! Come on, baby! Wake up!”

Sam and Cas heard the sirens stop at the house. Sam ran to the door and flung it open. Paramedic followed Sam. EMT’s brought along Kate who quickly found Sam. Sam wasn’t moving from his place in the doorway. Kate started sobbing at the sight. Cas was sobbing into Dean’s chest and Dean was unmoving and limp.

“Sir, I’m going to need you to move.” A paramedic said. Cas fought back and latched onto Dean’s lifeless body.

“No! I won’t let you take him away from me. You can’t take him from me!” Cas yelled.

“Sir, you have to let go. We have to take him to the hospital.”

“He hates hospitals! He doesn’t do hospitals! He panics, it brings back bad memories for him. You can’t take him to the hospital.” Cas shouted.

“It took ten minutes but soon Cas was off Dean and held close against Kate. He stayed there for half an hour. Sam still stood in the doorway. The house felt so empty. It felt so terrifying. Sam didn’t know what to do know. Dean was gone. He was gone, gone. One single tears fell down Sam’s face. Sam was now the man of the house.

Kate took Cas home an hour later and Sam stayed in Dean’s room. He found Dean’s journal and read it over and over again. He started it shortly after he left the hospital. He knew he was going to die. He thought he wasn’t good enough. He thought he wasn’t good enough until his final entry. The night before he died. He was good enough because he was dead. Dean was wrong, but that means nothing now. Dean had been broken for a while…he was broken beyond repair. Cas seemed to help mostly but it wasn’t enough.

Two days later Sam watch men lower his brothers body into the ground beside his mother’s grave. At least he’s happy with Mom. He doesn’t have to hurt anymore. John came home three day later and immediately asked where Dean was when Kate, Sam, and Adam were all in the living talk with him for a while. When no one answered him John charged up the stairs calling Dean’s name genuinely concerned. He entered Dean’s room. He stood there froze to find the room exactly how Dean died into it. The bed was not messy but half the sheet were thrown two one side. Dean was buried in his favorite AC/DC shirt, favorite jeans that ripped at the knees and his favorite steel toed boot. There was one thing that Dean was not buried in and that was his necklace. Sam wore that now.

Sam broke the news to John. Dean never really recovered from Anorexia. He was just a good liar and con-artist.

Sam was not ok, and he won’t be ok for a long time. The only thing that keeps him going is Dean’s dying request from Sam. _‘I want you to become I big shot lawyer with a pretty girl on your arm.’_

Sam made damn sure that he kept that promise. Dean would be even more proud of him. Every second of every day Sam just thinks that now Dean isn’t in pain. He is finally happy. _He is finally good enough._ He was always good enough. Life would be different now. Sam stood in Dean’ doorway exactly one week after Dean’s death, he smiled and gripped the amulet around his neck. A single tear ran down his face.

**_“I won’t let you down, De.”_ **

**_***_ **


	59. Stop

“Cas?” Gabriel knocked on his bedroom door. “Cas, you gotta get up…” Gabriel said knocking on the door and opening. Castiel wasn’t asleep, he was just staring at the wall in his bedroom. “Castiel, have you even slept?” It was Monday, a week and 2 days after Dean’s death. Castiel didn’t answer looking at the wall, no emotion shown on his face at all.

                 “Look Cas, Mama wants you to go to school today, okay? You’ve been in bed since…” He didn’t dare finish the sentence seeing Castiel looking up at him, knowing what he meant. “She thinks school will clear your head, okay? So, let’s get up and get going.” Castiel stared at wall, not paying any mind to his brother.

                 Gabriel sighed. “Michael, I need you in here.” He yelled. Michael came in and Gabriel walked out quietly. “Hey Cas, buddy.” He smirked. Cas paid no mind, the only form of moving coming from him blinking. “You’re going to need to get out of bed, okay? Am I going to have to pick you up?” Castiel just breathed. Michael sighed and took Castiel into his arms; Castiel didn’t even flinch.

                 “Okay Cas, you gotta get dressed, okay? I’ll lay you out some clothes and let you do that in peace…We’re leaving in 15.” He patted Cas’s back as he left the room. Cas stood in silence staring at the clothes laid out on his bed.

                 ‘ _Dean didn’t like that outfit…you can’t wear that outfit.’_ He thought throwing them on the ground and getting his favorite outfit out. Dean loved it when he wore stuff Dean liked. He took out a pair of ripped jeans that Lucifer used to have and Balthazar’s old Def Leopard shirt and put it on slowly, looking at the mirror. All he saw was a shadow in his reflection, a shadow trying to creep its way out of his body.

                 He stared at the mirror and lifted up his shirt, seeing his ribcage poke out. Castiel bottom lip trembled. ‘ _Dean looked like that; you didn’t do anything about it. He wanted to die because he loved you. He wanted to be perfect and he finally aid he was. You’re not perfect Cas, nothing is okay without Dean.’_

His thought was cut off by a knock on the door and Michael coming in. “We’re leaving Cas, are you ready?” He asked. Tears whelped in his eyes but he sucked them back in, and looked at Michael.

                 Michael smiled. “I didn’t know you liked Def Leopard?” Castiel looked down at his shirt, it wanted Dean to be happy with him. He always was so happy seeing him in this shirt. They walked down the stairs, Anna smiling at the end of the stairway. “Hey Cas! I’m so happy to see you out of bed and going to school!” She said kissing his cheek. Castiel just looked down at his feet, walking out the door and into the car.

                 “Cas, you forgot your shoes, silly!” Anna said following behind him with his shoes. They were plain and white, and Castiel didn’t like them. He didn’t like shoes at all and Dean liked that about Cas. Castiel took the shoes and put them on. He’d be kicked out of school not wearing any.

                 Michael drove them all the school, them all going their separate ways. Castiel looked up at the sky before going in the school. When he walked in, he could feel the stares and the whispers. He looked down and held back tears. ‘ _Dean told you to stay strong…He told you that you were strong. Strong people don’t cry…’_ Cas told himself walking to his first period class.

                 “Hey Faggot!” He heard from behind him. The same British voice he used to hear until Dean made them stop. “I hear your little boyfriend went off and killed himself, is that true?” Castiel swallowed his spit and keep walking. Crowley ran in front of him making him stop in his tracks. Castiel wasn’t looking at them, just his covered feet.

                 “Yeah, is that true?” He heard from behind him. Castiel started shaking. ‘ _Dean told you what to do…’Stand up for yourself from now on, okay?’ He said.’_ Castiel closed his eyes and held his breath. ‘ _Don’t cry Cas…’_

                 “Did your little boyfriend kill himself because he couldn’t take you anymore?” Alastair laughed off. Castiel hadn’t talked since the day Dean died, but something in his heart told him it was time too.

                 “STOP!” He shouted as one talked in the background. Everyone went silent and that meant **_everyone._**

                 “HE WOULD NEVER KILL HIMSELF BECAUSE OF ME, I HELPED HIM!” He shouted. “HE LOVED ME AND I LOVED HIM AND HE LEFT ME! HE LEFT ME ALONE BECAUSE HE WANTED TO BE HAPPY! HE IS FINALLY HAPPY!”

                 All faces where staring at him, and one yelled his name. “Castiel?!” He heard with loud footsteps in the background. “DEAN DIDN’T LIKE SCHOOL, HE WASN’T HAPPY BECAUSE OF ALL YOU! HE DIED BECAUSE I COULDN’T SAVE HIM! I LET HIM DIE!” Castiel cried out, feeling someone surround him. “Okay Cas, we’re going home, okay?” It was Michael with Balthazar by his side.

                 “HE JUST WANTED TO BE LOVED! HE WANTED TO BE BEAUTIFUL TO SOMEONE!” Cas shouted as Michael and Balthazar starting dragging him out the door. “I LET HIM DIE, OH GOD…I LET HIM DIE.”

                 Castiel cried out, sobbing the whole way to the car. Michael laid him down in the backseat and rubbed his hair back, letting him sob in his arms. Balthazar started to drive home as he heard the whaling screams from Castiel.

                 “I let him die…I let him die…it’s all my fault…” Castiel sobbed. Michael rubbed his hair back and whispered. “It’s okay Castiel, it’s all okay…Ssssh…” He whispered. Castiel shook his head. “I killed him…I let him die…I want him back…I want him back so bad…” He whimpered into Michael legs that his head was resting on. “Why did I let go, Michael?! Why did he make me let go?!” Michael rubbed his hair as their mother would have done. “Ssssh…” Michael cooed.

                 Castiel sobbed and said the same thing over and over again until one hit Michael in the heart. “I just want to die, Dean. I just wanna die without you…” He said in a hushed tone out loud as if he was talking to Dean, as if he was in the car with them.

                 When they got home, they laid Castiel in his bed. Castiel didn’t say another word in his bed, he laid there with his thoughts spinning. Michael was still in the room, watching him so didn’t do something he’d regret. ‘ _Why’d it have to be you…I wish it was me.’_


	60. Epilogue

**_1 month later…_ **

****

It was a Friday. Castiel’s least favorite day as of now. He was the day he had his last moments with Dean. He hated Friday’s because all he could think about was the boy he loved. The boy that was gone forever.

                 Castiel thought about him every day. He was in his dreams, he was in his thoughts, he was everywhere and Cas’s mind hated it. ‘ _I just want him back…’_ He thought. Cas would cry every single night and on bad days he’d sob the whole day long.

                 ‘ _I’ve failed you Dean…’_ He thought. ‘ _I am not strong…I was only strong with you, and I let you fall. I let you crumble and it’s my entire fault. I’m so sorry…’_

                 Castiel would think that daily, killing any happiness any him. He hadn’t smiled since the day before Dean’s death. The school would send him his work to do from home; he was unsafe in the school zone. There were more days than not, that he wouldn’t even do the work given because he felt like it wasn’t even worth it. Today was one of those days.

                 It was 3:45 PM so his brothers and sister would be coming home soon. Everyday Cas would look out the window and see them pull in; they all would have smiles and happy thoughts planted in their minds. Castiel wished he did too. But today was a different day…the car came flying into the driveway with Gabriel running out the car and the others following.

                 Castiel cocked his eyebrows and ran down the stairs as they were walking in. “W-what’s g-going on?” Cas stuttered. He couldn’t say a single sentence straight anymore. He was always sad or nervous. Gabriel ran past him on the phone and Michael came up to Cas smiling.

                 “Kali’s having the baby.” He smirked and patted Cas’s shoulder. “Do you want to come to the hospital with us? Gabriel needs all the support he can get. He is a total wreck.” Anna asked pointing over to Gabriel who was pacing in circles as he was on the phone, getting an over the night bag.

                 ‘ _Dean didn’t like hospital’s Cas…you can’t go there…’_ He looked down at his feet and walked back up the stairs. ‘ _You’re not going be there for your brother, Cas?’_ He thought. ‘ _Dean would want you there with your brother…Even if it’s in the hospital. He’d do that for Sam. You go do it for Gabe.’_

He decided he should go, he needed to go. When he walked down the stairs only Lucifer was there. “W-where did—did everyone g-go?” He stuttered looking around. Lucifer pointed to the door and Castiel ran, but was too late. They were gone. ‘ _You’re a failure Cas…’_ He thought to himself shutting the door behind him and walking slowly back the stairs.

                 “Hey Castiel?” Cas looked over at Lucifer. “If – if you really want to go, I’ll drive you there. Everyone just thought you didn’t because you just left to your room, buddy. So do you?” Lucifer asked tapping his foot. Castiel looked up to his brother. He was being dead serious.

                 Cas shyly nodded and Lucifer sighed. He got up and got the keys to his car, walking in front of Cas. They got into his old rusty red car, and Lucifer started to drive. It was quiet, almost too quiet.

                 “Lucifer, w-why weren’t you – you going?” Castiel asked timidly in a whisper. Lucifer smiled. “Because I didn’t want to be reminded of the past.”

                 Castiel looked up at Lucifer. “W-what do you m-mean?” He stuttered out. Lucifer looked down as they hit a spot light, then back at the road. “Cas, why didn’t you want to go to the hospital?” He asked, looking over to Cas.

                 Castiel looked down. Lucifer knew. “Exactly Cas, because you didn’t to be reminded of the past. I didn’t want to go back to the place where Mom was sick or where Michael was the day after Papa left. I hate hospitals. But, I’m going now because, if my baby brother can go then I can too.”

                 He could see Lucifer’s eyes twinkle in the sun but not letting one tear fall off his face. Castiel nodded stared out the window. Lucifer was right, he couldn’t live in the past. He had to make it for the future, for everyone he loved that where alive or dead.

* * *

 

                 They got to hospital and had been there for hours just watching Gabriel pace. “Gabriel calm down, you’re scaring me.” Anna said grabbing his shoulder, only to get it shoved off. “Don’t – don’t touch me!” Gabriel stumbled over his words, walking away to the men’s restroom.

                 Castiel looked around seeing him storm off. No one was going over to help him. “A-aren’t you going t-to any—anything?” He asked looking at Michael. Michael shook his head. “He’ll just freak out like he just did with Anna and end up hurting one of our feelings or literally hurting us.”

                 Castiel looked behind him at the men’s restroom and got up. “No Cas, sit back down, he’ll hurt you. Cas!” Michael yelled, getting his attention for a second. Cas looked back as he stepped into the bathroom. Gabriel was sitting on the toilet just crying.

                 He looked up, looking embarrassed and ashamed. “Guess I didn’t lock the door, did I?” He smiled a bit wiping his eyes as Cas locked the door behind him. It was a one person bathroom. “That would have been funny if I wasn’t just crying.” Gabriel chuckled in his cry.

                 Castiel looked down at Gabriel. “W-why are you c-crying?” Gabriel looked up and wiped his eyes. “I’m not ready, Cas…” He mumbled. Castiel cocked his eyebrows and tilted his head in confused.

                 “Cas, I’m not ready to be a single Father…” He explained seeing his confused state. Castiel looked down and nodded. “Cas, I can’t do this alone…I can’t. I’m not ready.” Gabe went on talking to his baby brother.

                 “But—but G-Gabe you’re not a-alone.” Castiel said patting his shoulder. Gabriel looked up and sighed. “You’ll be there with me, Cas?” He asked being completely serious. Castiel nodded. “What else am—am I s-supposed to do?” Next thing Castiel knew his brother was wrapping his arms around his neck. “Thank you, Castiel. Thank you.” He could feel a tear  on his shoulder and patted Gabriel’s shoulder, nodding.

                 Gabriel let go and smiled at Cas and walked out the door, looking back at Cas. “Are you coming?” He asked as Cas turned around. He nodded. “I’m h-here.” He said walking out the door.

* * *

 

                 Hours went by and finally Gabriel was in the room with Kali as she gave birth. The Novak’s all waited outside in the waiting room. Michael paced around the room, not being able to just sit on his feet, Lucifer was asleep because of how late it was, Anna was reading a children’s magazine with Balthazar who was cracking jokes at the tiny pictures. Their mother was reading the bible as she always did and was smiling; that was something she hadn’t done in awhile.

                 Another hour went by and a pair of golden eyes poked through the door with a tiny blue blanket in his arms.

                 Everyone stood up instantly walking over to him. Gabriel was smiling wide, and laughing as he held the baby boy. “You’re a father now, Gabe. How are you feeling?” Michael asked. Gabriel bit his lip and looked up. “I feel like the happiest man alive, Michael.” He said as if you could hear the smile on his face.

                 “Can I hold him?” Anna asked looking down at the little guy. Gabriel looked up. “I actually want Castiel to hold him first.” Anna looked with confusion as Gabriel pushed through his family going over to Cas. Castiel stared in confusion and surprise as Gabriel laid the boy and the blue blanket into his grasp. It was tiny, fresh, and loving.

                 Castiel sat down at a chair and looked down at the tiny baby. The baby reached up for him, smiling. Castiel smiled for once in a long time. “What’s – What’s his name?” Castiel asked, smiling looking up at Gabriel.

                 Gabriel smiled. “ ** _Dean_** – **_Dean Alexander Novak_**.”

                 Castiel’s eyes went wide and tears started to form in his eyes; for once not because of being sad, but in the joy of the tiny baby. “Hello Dean.” Castiel mumbled wiping his face as a tear fell. Dean smiled up at him grabbing his index finger and playing with it in his strong grip.

                 Cas smiled wider and another tear fell off his face. “I promise to you, Dean that I’m never letting any harm come to you.” Gabriel and the whole family watched as Castiel talked. “I’m gonna be here for you every day of your life. You’re going to be _loved_ and _cared for_ like no other child. I will be the best Uncle for you. Everything is going to be okay as long as I am here, okay? I promise.”

                 The baby smiled and giggled to himself looking up at Cas. The whole family was tearing up as Castiel gave the baby back to Gabriel, as the baby let out a whimper from the loss of warmth. “He already loves you, Cas.” Gabriel chuckled. Castiel smiled and got up, looking out the window. ‘ _I am strong Dean, and I still love you. I will always love you. When I look at this baby, I will think of everything happy we did together. I will remember the love you gave to me.’_

And as if Dean was there a breeze hit Cas’s back sending a chill through his body. Dean would always be with him. In his heart or in his mind.

                 Because true love is not normal or perfect, but it lasts forever and that is all that mattered to Cas.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoyed! Me and bringmesomepie will be doing more stories together so if you enjoyed the writing, please read our new stories! 
> 
> All art was bringmesomepie so don't copyright it. She actually drew them. Hope you enjoyed the ending because I know I did! :) Comment what you thought about it all in general or just some of your favorite parts? That would be lovely! Thank you again for reading! :)


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